Craig Putnam wrote:

Hey, not bad!  Good story, good prose.  There are just a couple of minor
details:

As the discussion was about to continue, a loud crash came from the

front

door. Automatically Kasumi was on her feet first, concerned that if
something had been broken she would have to fix it. Habit at Kasumi's
taking charge of the situation made the others relax and allowed her to
examine things alone.

You tend to be redundant, especially near the beginning of the story.  In
the above paragraph, you might want to take out the word "automatically"

and

reword the last sentence to something less awkward.

Souns good. I'll look it over again for that sort of thing.

Suddenly Kasumi felt her heart race as more possibilities began to form.
Was she right? Was he Ranma? He did appear a bit young, but perhaps she
had been a but hasty in condemning all younger men. It was simply not
proper to stereotype an entire age group for being immature. Ranma
appeared very mature for his age, from what she had seen so far.

Heh.

I like how you write the first part of this story from Kasumi's point of
view.

Thanks. Giving it from her POV helped to keep the opening from being too
much like the 'standard intro' for most alt fics. And fortunately things
diverge early on, making the reader aware that the changes are going to be
signifigant, early, and (hopefully) not predictable.

Genma's reaction was to shift nervously as he cleared his throat and
looked towards the ceiling. "Well...," he trailed off.

Excellent characterization.

My thanks again.

Still, it's only at the end of the story that
you point out that Shampoo feels a bit, err, degraded by being thought of

as

a guy.

Hmm. I might try to throw a referance in about that earlier then.

And with that Ryouga Hibiki jumped quite willingly into the fountain.

What?  No more P-Chan?  Heh, heh...

Nope. Ryouga did not fall into the Spring of Drowned Piglet this time
around.

All in all, a good story.

Thanks. Further revisions will be a little while, at least until the
epilogues are completed, but I'll try to work on them as much as I can.
Chapter one just bugged me the most and I felt a real urge to redo that
one as soon as possible. (Just reread chapter 8 as well, the first prose
work I did. I REALLY need to redo that one too.)

-- Craig Putnam
Sailor Singularity

Thanks again for the C+C.

D.B.  Sommer