Guy Under wrote:

The snow was falling at a steady pace in the mountains, covering

them

like a blanket of the purest white. Ranma was feeling good, even if
the weather was a little too cold for his liking. He was running at

top

speeds, feeling more free and relaxed that he had been in a long

time.

This scene doesn't seem to be connected with anything in the story.

Nope it isn't, that's the point of it. Glad you noted it :)

This is supposed to happen later in the story, give some time and I'll
eventually get there.

Akane was mad most of the time, whatever made
her mad
seemed to be eating her. Ranma was, for a change, silent most of the
time,
he seemed to be thinking about a lot of things lately and was

treating

Akane as if she were made of glass, this just seemed to anger her

even

more.

The author must fight the repetion of phrases; 'most of the time' was
used twice in consecutive sentences, and so ruins the ruins the feel
of the prose. Prose must be both grammatically correct (which this
piece isn't, but I don't comment on spelling and grammar) and read
well.

Well thanks for taking your time to point it out, I'll look for that
king of mistakes more often. 

'Most of the time' is used far too often in many fanfics. Good
narration is confident and focused, and 'most of the time' is a phrase
that is used to qualify a statement and so when used regularly it
brings it down.

I'll change that, but you know, most of the time when you are writing
something, you just don't see that kind of troubles :)

Nabiki was making deals in her usual table, when Ranma
approached her and commented. "Hey Nabs..." Ranma received for this,
Nabiki's
full glare, the kind of glare that would have made a weaker man

faint.

There seems to be absolutely no reason for Ranma's instance on using
such an intimate form of address.

Yes it is, Ranma is rather friendly with people, and gets too familiar
rather fast with people that he considers friends, giving her a nickname
is his way to tell her, that he considers her a friend.

Ranma was observing Nabiki while she was attending at his wounds.

For

first time since he got to know her, and had to admit hat she was

rather

beautiful and she had a great body too, <I can't believe that most

of

the boys hadn't noticed this earlier, she's definitely better built

that

Akane, and maybe she doesn't has the incredible body of Shampoo or

even

Ukyo, but she definitely is in a great shape, just look at those

legs of

her or the way that the little shorts were hugging her hips or the

way

that the tee shirt...>

The author seems intent on developing a relationship between Ranma and
Nabiki. Having characters check each other out and 'notice' one
another is a classic cliche. A genuine pairing would be, say, an
exchange of mutal concessions, the hashing out of differences in a
natural situation, etc. Consider how Takahashi brings Ranma and Akane
together, and you have a good example of how match-making should be
done.

Nope actually no, I want them to be friends by now, and checking your
friends isn't a crime as far as I know. (because if it is I am a
criminal :)
They like each other... well so what ??
Is not like they are going to have sex just because of it... well not
yet ^_-

By now they only need a friendship, and that's all they are willing to
give, not that is going to be an easy one.

The piece is too forced to be a meaningful attempt at pairing these
two--and where's Akane? On the plus side the author knows what he
wants to do and sticks to it, and avoids excessive side-tracking.

She's in the dojo, I think. (I'll deal with her later give me time.)

Hey! I think that the second part was a praise... Thanks

Do you liked the story ??

Tony