[Note from Nabiki:
Next time, I'll clone myself and get each clone to write
part of the story...]
Nabiki Section #4
Nadoko Tenbiki felt like she was on top of the
world. Quincy had proposed to her, and their marriage
was set for two weeks. Her salary was now higher than
the gross national product of Russia and Germany
combined. She'd finally gotten a nice reclining chair up
to her office, and she could finally afford to employ her
own personal massager 24 hours a day.
Sven was working on her shoulders as she went
through the email report from GENOM Intelligence.
FROM: KMadigan@Genom.net
TO: NTenbiki@Genom.net
SUBJECT: That 'Porno' film
After much study, we have identified the subject of the
film as 'Sylia Stingray', not to be confused with 'Celia
Stingray'. Apparently, at the time of the Largo affair,
Largo kidnapped Celia Stingray, daughter of Dr. Stingray,
famous boomer inventor, and made a boomer duplicate of
her, which then took her place. While this boomer was
originally indistinguishable from the original woman, its
programming seems to be starting to rewrite itself as it
wavers back and forth between acting like the real Celia
Stingray and becoming Largo's lust puppet. Why the
boomer displays this split personality is unknown.
Whether the original Celia Stingray is alive is also
unknown.
However, this film constitutes proof that Largo is indeed
alive, and we should take immediate action.
Katherine Madigan
Nadoko nodded. Indeed. She forwarded the email to
Quincy and got on the phone. "Cancel the next boomer
rampage. We're going to field test the new models on
Largo himself. And...I think it's time to field test the
TESLA project."
**********
Ukyou section #4
Mr. Schaft was relieved that Largo used the elevator
instead of the window this time; replacing plate glass
gets expensive. He put a disk down on Mr. Schaft's desk.
"Here you go. The control codes."
There was an explosion in the distance. "And hurry.
The military helicopters are coming."
Mr. Schaft popped the disk into his computer, and
hit a few keystrokes, then they sat and waited as the
explosions got closer and closer. Largo's veins started to
bulge. "What is taking so long?"
"I need to get a faster disk drive, I think." He began
doing a crossword as the Toyota building down the street
exploded in flames. It finished just in time as a JSDF
helicopter crashed into a nearby building when a passing
giant monster punched it. "Now, you just have to rip your
chest open and put this in your chest cavity."
The resulting spray of fluids made a mess of Mr.
Schaft's desk. He frowned. "That's going to cost a lot to
clean up."
"I could care less! Now what?"
"Seal off your chest and get out of here before they
blow up my place. Words should appear before your
vision once your body assimilates it. Just follow the
instructions." He got up and started running, just in case
Largo didn't bother to leave.
Largo simply went over to the window, and then the
following words swam into his vision.
WELCOME TO WINDOWS FOR BOOMERS 34.
'Who do you want to destroy today?'
YOU HAVE NEW HARDWARE. DO YOU WANT TO INSTALL IT?
"Yes!" Largo said. He could see the helicopters and
jets flying around, trying to spot him, so he ducked out of
sight next to the window.
WELCOME TO THE WINDOWS LASER SATELLITE CONTROL
BOX HARDWARE WIZARD. By running this program, you
will install a small black box which enables you to
control laser satellites.
[ ] Install [ ] Next Hardware Item [ ] Quit.
"Install it already!" A magnetic pulse rippled through
the building, shutting off and breaking everything
electronic. Except Largo. He was better built than that.
Nothing happened. "DO IT!"
Nothing happened. The words still hung before
Largo's sight. Finally, he realized his mistake. "Install."
WINDOWS IS NOW INSTALLING LASER SATELLITE CONTROL
HARDWARE. INSTALLING... A tiny bar began to creep
across his sight at a speed of about one milimeter every
ten seconds. The bar was two meters long.
Largo made a quick mental calculation. It's going to
take five hours and 33 minutes to install this.
Damnation. He turned to run. He could lose them and then
install it somewhere peaceful and quiet. Unfortunately,
Windows doesn't like you to run other programs while
running an Installation Wizard, such as the ones
controlling your limbs. Largo found himself unable to
move.
There was only one choice. "QUIT! QUIT!" I never
should have bought Windows 34 from those Chinese
vendors, he thought.
ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO QUIT?
Yes [ ] No [ ]
"YES!"
Windows also doesn't like it when you quit the
Installation Wizard in the Middle.
GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT.
Largo would have cried, but his tear gland program
couldn't run and he was too busy being hit by a cruise
missile anyway.
----
Leon, Daley, and Linna searched Linna's apartment
for clues. The angry boomers had trashed it when they
came back to kidnap her and she was gone. The search
wasn't going well, especially when Basatsu Naikure
popped out of the wreckage of Linna's refrigerator and
glomped onto Daley, who suddenly remembered that he
was in fact gay. Why did I ask Linna out on a date? he
asked himself, but couldn't find the answer to that,
either.
His contemplation was interrupted by Leon
announcing. "I've got a clue!" Everyone turned to see
what it was.
Shampoo's Section #4
"Priss!" Leon cried, holding up a disgusting flat object
and hugging a coatrack. "I love you! Look, I found a clue!"
"That coatrack, stupid Leon," Linna said tiredly. Leon's
little vision problem was a real pain, and his obsession with
Priss was even worse. "What you find?"
"This!" Adjusting his thick glasses, the AD Police officer
held up a grubby piece of flat food....
"Aiyah!" Linna exclaimed in horror. "That okonomiyaki!
Evil okonomiyaki boomer cabal must have kidnapped Priss!"
"Ah yes, the Schaft Cartel, operating out of Kansai,"
Daley said. "Led by some haglike chef and the infamous Mr.
Schaft."
"Schaft?" Linna inquired.
"He's a bad mutha," Leon replied.
Daley scowled. "Watch yo' mouth!"
"Aiyah," Linna commented absently, trying to think of a
plan. Her brain began to overheat slightly; thinking was hard
work. But necessary, at times.
With effort, skull glowing slightly from the heat, she
devised a cunning and intricate plan.
"We storm Schaft Building and kill everyone."
"Brilliant."
"Sounds good."
***
Meanwhile, in a fortified Dojo on the other side of town,
a foul gathering of criminals was taking place.
The first to arrive was the foul Okonomiyaki Hag. Priss
had heroically blown her to little bits in her grubby cafe, but
they had managed to save her brain and connect it to a bloated,
quivering mass of protoplasm. The resulting hideous blob was
currently slumped in a tank, literally oozing out of the tacky
purple tights and blue tunic she insisted on trying to wear.
The next to arrive was Akemi Tando, the noted biological
poison specialist. There was some speculation over whether
Tando was a man, a woman, or some sort of ape. The blue dress
seemed to point towards woman, horrifying though the thought
was.
The final member of the gathering was the infamous
Schaft.
"Gentlethings, I report complete success so far. Or plan
to cram filthy okonomiyaki down the throats of the world is on
track, and once the TESLA Project comes on line there will be
no stopping it!"
"Good, good, good!" borbled the Okonomiyaki Hag, dribbling
on the table.
"I have to admit, that okonomiyaki was pretty fetid even
before I started on it," Tando said casually. "But there is no
food that I cannot pervert and twist yet more, even one as
inherently putrid as okonomiyaki."
"Soon, very soon, there will not be a single Chinese
restaurant in business! Okonomiyaki shall kill the human race!
Toxins will kill civilization! Video will kill the radio star!"
Diabolical laughter filled the room.
----------------------------
Kuno's Section #4
Nene moaned in pleasure as the noble Mackie caressed her
[Ednote: Deleted to comply with Japanese decency laws, and
because Akane and Ranma are paying me for it.]
[A-loooooooo-ha! So, *dis* be what da little Tendo wahine be writin' in
class, hey? Well, da big kahune can be writin' dis thing too, and he be
takin' his turn! Oh, an' tell big sis that she be leavin' dis in if she be
wantin' to graduate!]
Principal Kuno be writin' his bit o' Round 4!
---------------------------------------------
Now, de Knight Sabers, dey be some baaaad ladies, keiki! Hey, but even de
baddest kids is needin' some adult author'ty figure, and de Knight Sabers,
dey got Doc Raven.
Doc Raven, he won cool dude. Wen Sylia lose her poor fodah to de bad boys
at Genom, he take her in an' raise her like she his own kid... even took
in
her poor bruddah, who be runnin' a bit wild.
Wen de Doc hear de alarm go off, he know his kids be in trouble. Did de
kahune say dat Doc Raven be a mechanical genius? He wanna watch his kids,
cause he care, so he be puttin' surveillance devices 'round de city to be
keepin' track o'dem. So when de alarm go off, he know right where dey are,
an' he go down to de custom unnerground canoe run he set up years ago (to
be gettin' where he wan' go). So now he be runnin' de rapids, headin' over
to where he hear his wahine be.
De explodin' pineapple take care of de door, an' de big bruddah o' de
kine surfs inta de room wavin' his clippers. "'Ey, keiki!" he say as he
somersault ovah de examening table. "Wha' chu doin hurtin' my wahine, you
-- YOU!"
"Oh, Doc Raven!" Sylia cried out. "My brother... my brother..." Den de
poor lile' girl broke down sobbin', like she been through too much
already. "Look at what happen' to my brother!"
"Hey, be cool, wahine," he say back at her. "He ain' you bruddah, so you
be fine."
"He's NOT?!?" Sylia an' Nene both burst out.
"'Eey, no, no worries," de Doc reply. "Don' you rememer, he be stayin' in
Germany ri' now?"
"Then WHO?" Nene, she demand, lookin' up at de body which be layin' on
her.
"Oh, *dat*," Raven say. "Dis be one o' de boomer doubles I make for Mackie
when he wan' be two places a' once."
[Oooh! OOOOOHH! I wanna play, too!]
Sylia sat up, outraged. "You mean, he's a... a... DELINQUENT!?"
Dr. Raven frowned sadly. "Well, I suppose... all he wanted to do is be
seen somewhere while he was doing something somewhere else --"
"Like peeping on me!?!" Sylia screeched. "Ooooh, when I get my hands on
him -- and this boomer copy of him, I'm gonna kill it! HAPPO--"
['Eey, wahine, you be lettin' de boss man take care o' dis, 'kay?]
Fortun'tly, ol' Doc Raven thought 'bout dis one. "Don' worry, de Doc got
things taken care of. See, he build special audio circuits in all de
boomer bits, so he doan have no trouble wit' 'em later." He pull out his
ukelele an' start playin'. "Tiptoe... t'rou de tulips..."
An' de Mackie boomer, he jus' shudder an' fall apart!
[Gomen, sis... he caught me. <Sigh>]
Akane's Section #4
------------------
Unfortunately, Dr. Raven was a little slow, sometimes, and didn't stop to
think about what his music would do if you weren't wearing earplugs.
When he turned round after playing his final note, Nene and Sylia were
hunched up, unconscious, hands over their ears. Their faces had
expressions of horrible pain on them, like they'd been listening to
Chinese music or something. (Everyone knows that Chinese music, like
Chinese cooking, is extremely painful and causes brain damage if listened
to for too long.)
Dr. Raven, who looked a lot younger than he was, managed to straighten
both of them out and get them resting a bit more comfortably, when
unfortunately he bumped Nene's purse, and a picture of her older sister
fell out. When he saw it, his eyes glazed over, and he got this silly grin
on his face. Then he started dancing around, and danced out the door
without realizing it, leaving Sylia and Nene lying there.
Meanwhile, Priss had gotten tired of waiting for the boomers to show up
again, and started looking for the rest of the Sabers. After breaking open
the door to the lint room, she gathered up a huge ball of the stuff and
pulled off a piece in her hand. When the first guard boomer came up to
her, she tossed the hunk under its feet, and slammed the boomer into the
ground when it skidded on the fluff. As she kept searching, she wondered
exactly why she'd been calling after Leon. I mean, he was kinda cute, but
she didn't need some *guy* to save her, did she?
The smell of rotten pineapple was what finally led her to the room where
Nene and Sylia had been held captive. While she was shaking them and
trying to wake them up, the 35-C boomers came to deliver Linna; a few
pieces of the table took care of them, and soon the four Sabers were out
looking for the masterminds of the evil plot to kidnap them yet AGAIN. The
Chinese symbols on the walls were kind of puzzling, especially when they
were next to some kind of purple-haired bimbo that seemed to serve as the
Genom mascot, and the smell of rancid ramen was almost overpowering... but
Priss was sure they'd find the evil masterminds running the boomers, and
make them DIE HORRIBLY.
Ranma's Section #4
------------------
Too bad for the Sabers, Priss was walkin' loud enuf to wake the dead, let
alone some crummy boomers, and in less than 15 minutes they were locked
back up behind bars.
Meanwhile, Leon was dragging Daley along behind him, looking for the Genom
headquarters. "Remember, *I'm* driving! We got lost a dozen times the last
time I let you drive!"
"Hey, they gotta be at Genom!" Daley said. Leon shook his head, wondering
why he put up with the idiot. I mean, he was strong, and good in a fight,
but geez! Pull a clue!
"Genom's got over 50 buildings in this town alone!" he said, after
facepalming a couple of times. "How are we gonna find out which one
they're held at?"
"Uh... I dunno?" Daley said, scratching his head, a moronic expression on
his face.
Leon gnashed his teeth. Baka.
After driving around for a while longer, Leon suddenly noticed a truck
pulling out of a building in the industrial district. "Wait a minute...
what's that in the back of that truck?"
"Uh... gee..." Daley grunted, shading his eyes. "I dunno. I can't see it."
"Arrgghhh... those are the Knight Sabers' hardsuits! They must be in that
building!"
"Ohhhh. Wow."
Leon stamped on the gas, and sent a ki-strike to blow in the doors ahead
of them. With a roar, the car vaulted into the building, like something
out of the 'Dukes of Hazzard', munching several boomers along the way.
Leon and Daley quickly took out the rest of the guard crew, and marched
into the main part of the building.
Just then, though, a low rumble rolled through the hallway, building to a
full-throated roar. Long, four-legged shapes burst into view, holding low
to the ground. Leon paled. "C-c-c-ca-ca-ca-*CAT* boomers?"
"Meet the first fruits of the TESLA project," a gloating voice rolled out
of the loudspeakers. "Have a nice day."
Kasumi Section #4
Daley laughed. "Gee, you're paranoid, Leon." He
walked forward and petted the nice kitties. "Here, try
holding one." He picked one up and handed the cute little
calico cat to Leon, who stared at it in fear. Soon, Daley
had covered Leon with cats. Oddly, this didn't seem to be
helping, even though the cats were all purring and trying
their best to cuddle up to Leon and comfort him.
Finally, Leon simply went stiff and passed out. The
cats helped Daley drag Leon through the building as they
continued their search for the Knight Sabres.
Eventually, they found a broom closet which
someone had jammed a door under the handle of so that it
couldn't be opened. Leon could use a good dusting, Daley
thought. He pulled the chair away and opened the door.
Celia, Priss, Nene, and Linna all came out of the closet at
once. "Finally, after 10,000 seconds we're free!" Celia
announced. "Time to con...oh, hi, Daley."
Daley said, "Hi, everyone. We need to get Leon
cleaned up and conscious."
Celia whipped out a small rod. After she pressed a
button, a rotary dusting head popped out of the end. With
a second touch, it clicked onto high speed. In seconds,
she had him dusted off and lint free. A third push and it
squirted a strong whiff of smelling salts under his nose.
His eyes snapped open and he jumped to his feet. "Thanks, Celia."
She nodded and smiled, then nudged Priss. "Priss
has been missing you very much."
Priss got big eyes. "Have not!" She started to
stammer and stare at her feet. "N...n...not been
mi...missing you...Leon!" She leaped forward and wrapped
her arms around him in a tight hug.
His eyes widened and then he hugged her back. "I
love you, Priss-chan."
Celia sidled over to Linna, who was looking at
everything but Daley. "Isn't there something you like
more than money too, Linna-chan?"
She looked up and gulped, then smiled nervously at
Daley. "Ummm...thanks for rescuing us. I...owe you one."
Daley stepped forward, his handsome face shining.
"Anything for you, Linna-chan."
Celia gave Linna a gentle shove; sometimes you
just can't be subtle. Their heads collided and soon the
collision became a kiss.
<I feel good about myself>, Celia thought. <My
sis...friends are all taken care of...oh wait, Nene...>
Nene was close to crying, watching the other
Sabres with their boyfriends. She ran over to Celia and
began sobbing into Celia's chest. "I've been kissed by an
evil boomer! Now I'll never be able to get married!"
"Don't worry, Nene. The real Mackie loves you. I
know you miss him and that's why the evil boomer was
able to trick you into kissing him, Nene-chan." She
stroked Nene's hair. "Will you come help me get our
hardsuits while they're busy?"
Nene nodded, determined to do her best for Celia.
"Let's go!"
They soon found the hardsuits, guided by the clever
cats, who had been spying out the base for Celia. <I'm
glad I took that cat training correspondence course,> she
thought. Sadly, the clumsy boomers had gotten grime and
oil all over the hardsuits, so Celia and Nene took some
time to carefully clean the suits, making them spotless.
The others caught up with them by the time Celia
and Nene had finished. Quickly, the Sabres scrambled
into the hardsuits while Leon and Daley scrambled into
two handy suits of...umm...Iron Man armor that Genom had
stolen from Stark Industries. At least that's where Celia
assumed they had come from. One was monogrammed
with a gryphon on the side in orange; Leon put that one
on. The other one had a little winged knight in black on
the side of the helmet; Daley put that one on.
[Thanks for the idea, Nabiki.]
"Okay, let's run through a level four diagnostic,"
Celia said. Everyone carefully checked their armor to
make sure everything was working. It's important to be
careful with electronic equipment, especially weapon
systems. You especially shouldn't fire chi blasts into
rooms with brand new stereo systems. Not that I'm
pointing any fingers. Certainly not at any fiancees of any
of my relatives.
But that's another story. Celia said, "Is everyone
ready?"
"Check," Linna said.
"Let's engage in some mindless violence," Priss said.
"Hmm...what...sorry, I was playing Tetris on my
targeting computer," Nene said.
"I'm ready," Daley said.
"Born ready," Leon said confidently.
"Right. LET'S GO, JOE!" Celia shouted and the
Knight Sabres plus their Male Auxillary moved out.
**************
Kodachi Segment #4
Sylia smiled. Largo-sama had reconfigured the
hardsuits to be the instruments by which the conversion
of the Knight Sabres into blessed inorganics would be
carried out. She could feel the tiny nanomachines
crawling about under her skin and she luxuriated in the
feeling. Soon, weak and perishable flesh would be
replaced with incorruptable metal, plastics, and
ceramics.
A tiny window containing the sacred image of her
love, Largo-sama, opened in one corner of the hardsuit's
visor. "Can you feel the transformation, my love?"
"Yes! Oh yes! Soon, I will be fully fit to be your
bride and rule over the world of rubble we will create!"
The thought of calling down lightning from the heavens
upon her enemies excited her. The red haired harridan,
the demonic chef, the chinese bimbo, all the evil rivals
for the love of her Largo-sama would be wiped out, along
with all the disgusting meat-sacks that covered the
world with their peasant behavior. Cleansing fire from
the heavens. Oh yes, she quivered with anticipation.
Largo laughed. "I have the black box. The laser
satellites are mine. I shall turn all of China, especially
Amazon.com, into a black, charred bridal wreath to lay at
your feet."
Sylia felt her legs stiffening as every cell was
first filled with a plastic-steel alloy, then burst and
was replaced. The effect was spreading upwards
towards her [censored by Nabiki], making her moan with
joy.
The screams of the Sabres erupted over the
intercom system. Perhaps they were not entirely fit for
the new era, but she was benevolent and would reward
them even if they didn't survive it.
Leon and Daley, on the other hand...they were
annoyances. "Is there something you can do about these
dogs, Largo-sama? The two cops...they will never do."
Largo-sama pushed a button and the suits he had
planted as traps for them were filled with nerve gas.
Their screams as they died was a suitable concert to
accompany Sylia's transformation into a goddess.
***************
Ryouga Section #4
Unfortunately for Largo's evil plan, he had made one
big mistake. He had put his duck boomer in charge of
rigging the hardsuits, and the duck, as usual, had misread
all the labels. If only he had trusted in his valiant pig
boomer, all would have been well, but due to listening to
the pig-tailed boomer and the duck boomer, it all went
wrong.
Instead of turning the Sabres into boomers, all the
suits did was to play Barry Manilou music, which made
the Sabres scream as if they were going to die.
Meanwhile, Largo HAD planted the suits which were now
filling with nerve gas. Sadly, because he had used the
duck boomer as his spy, it had misidentified Leon and
Daley as putting on the rigged suits, but ACTUALLY,
because Daley had spotted those suits as rigged to kill
the wearer, he had forced Leon to put on a suit of Iron
Man armor that was NOT rigged to spray poison gas. He
had even let Leon have the better suit; a real man didn't
need battle armor.
They could see the Sylia boomer, writhing about,
lost in degenerate fantasies we won't go into here
because Nabiki would just censor them. Daley turned to
Celia. "Is there any hope for it?"
"Put it out of its misery," Celia said, gagging. "It's
beyond hope."
Daley nodded and blew off Sylia's head with a full
repulsor blast, then vaporized the body. "Well, that's
over."
"Now, let's find the TESLA project," Celia said.
With Daley and Leon leading the charge, the gang of
six cut their way through a million billion boomers,
leaving bits of twisted plastic, ceramics, metal, and
stuff everywhere. Daley's infallible guidance sense took
them where they needed to go. They could see a big
shining neon sign ahead 'ENTRANCE TO THE TESLA
PROJECT HERE'.
"There it is!" Celia said.
Linna hugged Daley, who blushed. "Good job!"
"It was nothing," he said. "Nothing that a real man
couldn't do."
"I guess I would have been in trouble," Leon said.
"Well, yes, but I wasn't going to rub it in," Daley
said.
"Alright! Let's launch our attack!" Celia said.
The ADPolice's two best men and the Knight Sabres
charged forward towards the door and...