allyn yonge <ayonge@yahoo.com> wrote:

     Chapter 1

    "Tendou Akane must die."

Good opening. Definitely gets one's attention.

Kuonji Ukyou stiffened on hearing the words. The calm reasonable
tone blew through her bones like a chill east wind. Striving to keep her
face blank Ukyou watched a figure detach itself from the shadows of

blank, Ukyou

Deep within the recesses of the darkness, a deeper dark stirred and
Ukyou had the shivery feeling that it was a living shadow and no
human thing that lurked in the darkness. Again the voice spoke; it's

its

evil metallic tones echoing off the walls like roaches boiling from the
belly of a corpse. 

Either change the ; above to a comma, or change echoing to echoed.

    "Who . . ." She moistened her mouth and tried again. "Who
are you?  You send me a note . . .send all of us." Ukyou indicated the
other two. "Send all of us notes to meet you, to hear something

Send should be sent (all three times)

VITAL"

Need some sort of punctuation after VITAL.

    "Tendou Akane must die." The voice repeated, as if Ukyou
hadn't spoken. "She stands between you and happiness" Again the

Need punctuation after happiness.

voice spoke as if speaking to one of them was speaking to all of them.
" She stands between you and the way home . . .between you and your
honor . . .between you and Satome Ranma."

Saotome

    "Husband will come soon . . . Ranmasama will come to me."
The voice mimicked.  "And you cook? What do you have to say? 

you, cook?

Ukyou wanted to cry out that her love for Ranchan (and his for her)
was strong, that he WOULD come for her. But the words wouldn't
come. Here, in this place, she could no longer lie, not even to herself.
Instead she remembered . . . Ranma at Christmas, wearing a ridiculous
scarf; Ranma at Togenkyou, destroying his cure; Ranma on Mt.
Phoenix . . .crying.

Mixing manga and anime continuities, I see....

    "So"  Ukyou forced the words past a constricted throat. "what

"So," and capitalize what

    "'Pervert girl' may not be as easy to kill as you think. Many
have tried; Taro, the Demon Doll, Saffron. And yet she is here still."
The voice sounded disgusted. Ukyou wondered what Akane had done
to incur the wrath of this shadowy figure even as the voice continued.
" . . .succeed in removing Tendou Akane you . . .all three of you would
be immediately suspect. Even if you escaped the police, you would still
have Satome Ranma to contend with. And beyond him Hibiki Ryouga.

Saotome

And, if they should fail . . . Shinnosuke and his grandfather, Prince
Toma, Prince Kirin and the Seven Lucky Gods, Akane's sister's

sisters

    "All of your lives, your hopes, dreams, happiness . . .all held
hostage to the life of one silly, selfish girl. A clumsy girl, who hits
Ranma, calls him names . . . hit's him if he looks at another girl. Yet

hits

calls on him when SHE needs help. Calls HIM into danger . . .

End quote.

    "Idiot." The sharply spoken word froze Shan Pun in her

Pu

    "My resturant?

restaurant

Ukyou's Okinomyaki! You want my

Okonomiyaki

    "So we just give you our lives" Ukyou could sense that the

lives."

    "Not quite." There was faint amusement in the voice. "I will
provide the plan. A plan which will eliminate our problem with
no . . .mess to clean up. YOU must implement the plan, all three of
you so no one if free to betray the others."

one is free

    "And just what does this great plan consist of? Some secrete 

secret

technique? Or maybe a demon curse?" Ukyou asked sarcastically.
    "It would be . . .imprudent . . .to reveal my plan in advance of
payment. However I ca tell you that you must first make friends with

can

     . . .doesn't look like she's here. Do you want to wait? It's
really very good okinomyaki. The best in Japan."

okonomiyaki

Ukyou remained under the counter as the two girls left, still laughing.
As the shadows lengthened . . .as customers came and went  un-fed

>from the restaurant . . .Ukyou stayed frozen in place. She was cold . .

.so very cold. She didn't' think she would ever get warm again.

remove ' after didn't

*********************************************************

In the early morning dark .  . .when cold neon washed the streets of
Tokyo in a sterile light . . .a shadow, darker than old sin stood in the
center of a deserted warehouse. At its feet lay a sword, a Chinese jade
carving . . .and the deed to a small okinomyaki restaurant. 

okonomiyaki

    "Ranma's not here Shan Pu.

here, Shan

Uncle Satome took him off for

Saotome

    "Aaaaaaaaaa!" With a scream of outrage Akane launched a
bone crushing blow. Shan Pu moved a fraction and the blow
smashed  . . .air.  Insultingly Shan Pu smacked Akane on the rear.
With a snarling growl Akane whirled, launching a high spin kick
that would have snapped the top off a fire hydrate. Being somewhat

hydrant.

more mobile and infinitely more limber Shan Pu again shifted just

limber, Shan

slightly . The massive blow missed and Akane was thrown off

slightly. (No space before period)

balance ,would have fallen had Shan Pu not caught her.

balance, would

    "No get so angry no miss so much."
    "When I want your opinion" Akane snarled, shrugging free

opinion,"

of Shan Pu's grip. "I'll give it to you."

grip, "I'll

    "O-key Do-key." Shan Pu agreed cheerfully. Springing
forward Shan Pu launched a flurry of hand and foot strikes, at first

forward, Shan

driving Akane backwards.  One pace, two paces back. Then Akane
regained her equilibrium and started to counter attack.  Dropping
suddenly forward Akane caught

forward, Akane

herself on her hands , scything her

hands, scything

legs around in a smashing leg sweep. Laughing Shan Pu leapt over

Laughing, Shan

Akane's legs,  only to double over as Akane's caught her in the gut
with an iron palm strike. Landing hard Shan Pu rolled quickly

hard, Shan

    "Shan Pu bored. Nothing to do.  Ranma gone. You only
one give Shan Pu decent work out." Narrowly Shan Pu watched for

workout."

    "Here's soap and towels." Akane gathered up Shan Pu's
clothing. "I'll go put these in the wash and be right back."
Sitting on the low wooden bench Shan Pu rinsed herself off, then

bench, Shan

    "Aaaaaaaaa." Shan Pu jumped as a small hand
unexpectedly covered her own. As her combat reflex launched her
away from the perceived threat, soap ran into her eyes, she inhaled
water and slipped on the slick soapy floor.  Blind, gasping and
helpless Shan Pu fell toward the hard tiles . . .when strong arms

helpless, Shan

    "Shan Pu no scared." Struggling to sit up Shan Pu sank
back ,bravely suppressing a groan of pain. 

back, bravely

    "You strained something when you slipped, didn't you?"
Without waiting for an answer Akane pulled Shan Pu more securely
onto her lap and began to finish Shan Pu's interrupted bath. Closing
her eyes Shan Pu allowed Akane to bathe her.

eyes, Shan

Relaxing completely

completely,

End Chapters 1-2

Overall, this was really pretty good. The conflict and suspense level
was very high, and that really kept my interest in the story. All the
characters so far seem to be handled well.

One thing, though: Please edit better before you post; fix all the
unindented paragraphs, too-short lines, and such. Make it easier for
people to read your posts, and you'll get more readers.


Gary