Very interesting...It's definitely something I'm going to be watching
out for...let's go to the videotape...er...whatever...

CAUGHT BETWEEN WORLDS:
Part One: Hakkyo
A Magic Knight Rayearth story by Rob Barba
MKR belongs to CLAMP, Kodansha, Sega, and whoever the hell in the US who
owns the rights this week.

Anime Works, is it?  I should be keeping better track of this thing...

    As the bright light surrounded Hikaru, she knew it was time to return
home to Earth, to leave Cephiro behind and follow her own destiny.  She
looked at Fuu and Umi, and knew that they, like she, would probably return
here again someday, to their friends and loves, to this world that she was
the last Pillar of, the Goddess of.  Although she'd given that power to the
people, she was still the deity of this world, and it would be her that made
the world ebb and flow, move to a happier tune.
    As she got closer to the light, however, it did not fade into the
vibrant tapestry of colors that was Tokyo Tower.  The light instead got
harsher, the expected colors changing into more sterile, harsh endless
white.  Her arms, long accustomed to the rising, flying feeling of returning
to the Earth dimension, were beginning to bind to her side, immobile,
paraplegic.  The flying sensation that she felt suddenly and without warning
cut off, dropping her to a floor that was just as white as the walls, as the
ceiling.

Could this be extended even more, perhaps?  I ilke the picture that's
painted...it just seems woefullyly (perhaps that's too harsh?) incomplete.
It doesn't feel quite so...personal.  Of course, I'm infamous for
critiquing fics as if I had the right to change even the intentions of
the fic...*shrug*

    Well, she wasn't going to sit here and find out.  Focusing, she called
inward for the powers of fire magic, to bring them forth.  She called...but
nothing came.  No raging inferno to burn through the straitjacket.  No
flame, not a spark.  Concerned that the jacket could be ensorcelled against
fire magic, she then refocused, trying to apply the Goddess powers of the
Pillar against the bonds.  However, those failed as well, to no avail.

Perhaps a simple " the bonds; those failed as well."  Maybe it's just
me but the last two sentences feel a bit...clunky to me.

Worse, both times she used them, it didn't seem so much that the magic was
being countered, as it just wasn't happening.  It just wasn't there.

with the "as it just wasn't happening." do you really want it stated
that way?  Like a fact?  We come from Hikaru suddenly to this factual
realization in the same paragraph?  Or do you mean to continue the idea
of it seeming as it wasn't happening and seeming as if it wasn't there?

    That thought filled Hikaru's mind with dread.  If that were the case,
then she was helpless, unable to defend herself.  She hated that feeling,
having endured it through the war against Debonair, and the invasion by the
other nations.  But Debonair was gone now, defeated, and peace was restored
to Cephiro.  With that, she should have returned to Earth, specifically the
Tokyo tower.  But this wasn't Tokyo; in truth it was steadily becoming a
nightmare.  Some sick, twisted experience that she didn't want to be in for
one second longer yet was enduring with a pained fear.

Completely subjective here: doesn't feel quite so large a crescendo of
emotion and feeling in this paragraph.  From a structural standpoint,
perhaps it would be better executed if you moved from longer sentences
in the beginning of the paragraph to shorter, more punctuated sentences
as the paragraph progresses?

    All of that changed when an unpowered Hikaru found her strength and
determination again to defeat Nova, who she found to be a twin created out
of magic, a part of her that was dark and screaming for the light.  Hikaru
subsumed that part of her becoming whole once more, and raced into battle,
the strongest of the Magic Knights once more.  With the other two Knights,
she first defeated Debonair, then fought for the only way to save Cephiro
itself--a duel to become God.

In that last sentence you are basically saying she...then fought...a
fight.  Take awy the duel part somehow?

    Fighting to the last to defend Cephiro, she subsumed the power of the
Pillar, doing what she felt she had to save Cephiro from a fate far worse
than anything she could have ever imagined or saw.  In the end, God had
returned his archangel to another dimension, taking the mashins with it, and
she had to return back to her world, lest she start the cycle anew.  But in
the care of the people of Cephiro, she placed the power of the Pillar,
effectively doing what she thought to be breaking the cycle.  However, it
was proving not to be true.  If it was, she wouldn't be here, in front of
Zagato, in a strange, sterile room, as though she were a danger.  She would
be at home in Tokyo with her two best friends, waiting for the day when they
would be reunited with their loves for once and forever.

You use that term "sterile" again...it's interesting how loaded a
term it is...and how well it fits.

    "Your name is Hikaru Marie Shidou.  You were born on March 8, 1983 in
Oak Harbor, Washington.   You were born to Clefton and Priscilla Shidou, the
second oldest child of the family.  You have an older brother, Lance; a twin
sister, Hikari; and a younger sister, Emily."
    Hikaru stared at Zagato as though he were babbling nonsense.  Which he
was.  What the hell was he talking about?  Then she realized.  He was
talking about *her*.  Her, as though everything that she'd ever known about
her life was a lie, as though she were someone entirely different.
"Wha-what are you saying?!?!?!?"
    Unperturbed, Zagato continued with his mad diatribe.  "You've never been
to Japan, much less Tokyo.  If anything, most of your trips have been to my
home in Boston, or Europe.  Although you are half-Japanese, to my knowledge,
you have never learned any, though you've learned Spanish in school.
Despite what you've said, you aren't even speaking it now."
    And then, he lowered the boom.  "And I am not a man named Zagato.  I'm
Thomas Zagard, your uncle.  I came here all the way from Boston to help you,
Hikaru."
    Hikaru's eyes filled with a sick fear.  Whatever was going on, Zagato
was twisting her reality to his convenience.  "You're lying!  Get away from
me!"

I'm wondering if this individual section can be more effective by
simply eliminating everything which goes into a person's mind (that is,
sticking to straight dialogue and plain actions not elaborated upon.)
The dialogue by itself is quite strong...although, what if you went
"crazy" and punctuated a lengthy Zagard "diatribe" with Hikaru?  Probably
won't work, I think...but still...

    In a quiet voice, Zagato said, "Umi can't help you, Hikaru.  I wish she
could.  God, I wish she could, kitten."

Heh...I like the "kitten" use.  ^^

<>()<>

Comment on this?  :)  Anyways, I'm just wondering about how you are
deciding to separate or not to separate paragraphs via extra carriage
returns within this first section...hrm...

    The melancholy redhead wracked her brain for a second before clarity set
in.  "Well, when we were kids, she named her Barbie doll 'Foo'...in fact, I
think it was from the matching set that you and Aunt Rachel got us for our
eighth birthday.  But I gave mine to Emily a few years back, and Hikaru gave
hers to a toy collection drive a couple of years ago.   I wouldn't know
where she got that last name, or anyone with the actual name of Fuu."

Barbie?  Fuu?  o_o;;;;

    Little Emily scrunched her brow in thought, then tugged on her mother's
dress.  "Mama," she said, "Aren't all those names Japanese?"
    "Are you sure, Emily?" Priss asked.
    The little girl nodded, happy to explain.  "I heard those names on a
Japanese cartoon that Mutsumi an' I were watchin'.  I di'n't understand too
much of it, but I 'member that Mutsumi told me 'bout them."

o_o;;

brother-in-law and sister's faces, Tom sighed and commented, "What I'm about
to tell you all may not make you feel comfortable.  Please, everyone sit
down."


    As the Shidou family sat down, Tom began.  "Hikaru's coping with Umi's
death in what I think is the worst way possible: she's created a new life
for herself in her mind, based on things of her past.  She feels that she
was born and raised in Tokyo with three brothers, and had journeyed with Umi
and Fuu to that another world, called Cephiro."  From that point on, Tom
continued to relate what Hikaru had told him about the world.  Some things,
like a version of Clefton Shidou as the master mage of the land of Cephiro
(his _Adventures of Princess Cephiro_ novels, detailing her battles to free
her native land of Mokona, made him a world-famous fantasy author), a
version of Priscilla (where Presea was the master weapon-smith of Cephiro,
Priss Shidou was merely the Seattle Assistant DA), and Emily as Princess
Emeraude (they'd always called the girl 'Little Princess', and her eyes
looked like emeralds sometimes), made perfect sense.

I simply wonder at how needed the space is between these paragraphs
(and others throughout.)

    What was considered bad was the fact that Hikaru explained that she was
made "the Pillar"--the goddess--of that world.  That would imply that she
either had responsibilities to that world, or that she was wanted and needed
by her followers.  In either case, that implied that she wouldn't be coming
home soon.  And if the Gospel According to Hikaru was any indicator, she
would never return home--never return to sanity.
    But the worst part of all was what she had to say about Hikari, Hikaru's
twin sister.  She never existed in that world--not as Hikari Shidou, anyway.
The family dog, Flash, was there--as a pet wolf in Tokyo named Hikari.  As

I take it you've played the Domestic release of MKR for the Saturn.  ^_^
You are a good man.  (For owning a Saturn.  ^_^)

    ((I wish Hikaru *was* a goddess, like she said,)) he thought grimly,
((for no goddess could allow such pain and suffering in Her Presence.
Especially not one as sweet and kind as my niece.))

Is the double parenthese needed?  I say it works just as well without.

Next (assuming anyone wants to see this continued):

Hell Yeah!

Part Two: Sister Dearest

Uh oh.

Can't wait for the next part...GOD I wish things could come out of
nowhere for me.  :D