It's funny; just the other day I was thinking it was about time for part
3 and how much I was looking forward to it. Voila! I just the Haunter in
the Dark was putting ideas in my head again. ^_^ Gee, I hope you guys
like line-by-line commentary.

                          Part 3

                        "Cherubim" 

What an odd name for a part.

tracks.  On the whole, it seemed like a rather pointless
dream to Shinji.

Seems appropriate for "Whipped"-boy

        The train plunged for a moment into a tunnel,

Wait ... isn't a train going into a tunnel usually ascribed as a sexual
thing? Oh wait, this is Shinji. I guess sometimes a train is just a
train. ;)

        There was a whisper in the darkness, a grating,
squealing, utterly alien voice that said a word that was
unknown by Shinji, yet somewhat familiar.

Very Lovecraftian!

        "Atlach-Nacha."

Damn, I can't remember that one off hand, but I know it's a bona fide
Mythos name.

        Hideously twisted, yet still recognizable, the
monster within wore Shinji's own face.

For some reason, I expected it to be his father. 

to it, merely shambling through the streets of Tokyo-3 on

Shambling, good Lovecraftian word choice.

the way to school.  A serious lack of sleep had drained him
of energy, leaving him in his current state.

        Maybe, thought Shinji, maybe I should just skip
school today.  He stopped, leaned over, and took several

I don't have any problem at all with showing his thoughts this way.

deep breaths.  The world faded into black for a moment and
he felt himself sinking into the ground. 

        A pair of hands reached out and held him up.

        "Ikari."

        Shinji blinked, shook his head, then looked into two
very red eyes.

        "Um, Ayanami," he said weakly.  "Good morning."

Very subtle near-faint scene, well done. Has a surreal quality -- we're
really in Shinji's head for the perception of this scene.

        The wretched taste of LCL fluid was something that
just wouldn't leave his mouth for hours, an effect Dr. Akagi
said would improve as his exposure to LCL was increased.

Improve? I think it would be better phrased "decrease" ... 

industrial strength mouthwash, Shinji settled for a can of
cola from a vending machine.

        He quickly opend the can and drank, holding the
liquid in his mouth for a while in hopes that it would
dissolve the nasty taste of tar and roadkill that LCL seemed
to emulate so well.  Instead, the lingering taste of LCL
somehow overpowered the soda, mixing with it into an
entirely new and amazingly more noxious combination that
forced Shinji to find the nearest water fountain and spit
into it.

Kind of like drinking OJ or coke after just brushing your teeth.

        Talking.

        Smiling.

        Laughing.

Who? both of them? It's unclear...

        He stalked away, the bitterness in his soul matching
the foul taste in his mouth.

Maybe a little over-the-top there.

        She stared at the script, along with all the other
so-called journalists, and sighed deeply.  NERV wanted the
press conference to run smoothly, which meant using scripts
that were most likely crafted for maximum deception.  Of
course she went along with it.  Everyone went along with it,
and anything else the government insisted on ever since the
2nd impact.

        Catastrophes were an easy way to turn a free nation
into a police state.

Nice fill-in of background.

        Her editor told her of the times before the Second
Impact, when the media had _true_ power, a watchdog over the
government and society in general.  She was always
enthralled by his tales, and wished she'd been around back
then to enjoy it, the last glory days of the press.

Interesting characterization/development. I get the feeling that,
barring being eaten by something, Megumi is going to have a catalytic
effect on things.

        Unseen by any of them, a small camera by the
stoplight adjusted its lens... 

Brr... Big Brother. Wonder if they're everywhere, or just near _that_
school ...

implants, plastic surgery, magic or the blessing of the

Oh REALLY...

      It was being used now.  Tiny runners came in and out;
unseen by most people, Never mind that rats couldn't have

capitalization error

     If something had been watching from the sky, it would
have seen an abnormal number of brooms upon the front porch

odd ... not sure what the point of the brooms was ... from cleaning up
inside maybe?

of the house, the beat up Toyota Corolla that was likely the
oldest functional car in Japan with no value to a collector,
the plain black van, and the Shinohara Motors SUV-5, whose

Patlabor in-joke?

     In fact, something was watching from the sky; Second
Impact had done nothing to destroy most of the spy
satellites circling the Earth. However, spy satellites have
three flaws.  First, you can't hear anything through them. 
Secondly, they're only useful if someone human is both
watching and cares.  This one belonged to France, which
could care less about small houses in the Japanese
countryside.  It was on its way elsewhere, due to the third
flaw of spy satellites: they have to keep moving or fall out
of the sky. 

I liked that paragraph. It just flowed really well, kinda breezily
actually.

        Shinji opened his bento and nearly fainted. Misato
had insisted on making him lunch, which usually meant that

@)@ the body snatchers have gotten to Misato...!

starting to 'enjoy the pleasures of acne', and Shinji

the comma belongs inside the quotation mark

guessed she was around Misato's age.  She wore a black
suit-dress with a red tie and held a digital assistant which

Suit-dress seems awkward; "black suit with a skirt," "skirted black
suit," and "black blazer and matching skirt" all might be better
phrasings.

        She reached out and took his hand; he could feel the
softness of her skin and the hardness of the single ring she
wore, a plain band of silver.  It felt warm, which was
strange, given that metal didn't absorb heat from flesh
well. Usually, rings felt cold.  "I suppose..."  She smiled
a naughty smile.  "I'll have to remind you.  I'm sure you're
much better sober." 

This is your brain. This is your brain being grilled on a magical frying
pan. *sizzle...*

        Rei stood up and dusted herself off.  "Another rat,
Katsuragi-san." 

        "Yeesh, I hope this doesn't mean a giant rat is
going to attack next," she said.  "Has anyone seen Makoto?" 

The readers concur. ^_^

        "I'll do it for you.  I'd rather do that than
laundry." 

LOL!!

'angst', Rei walked in.  She glanced over at him, and he

'angst,' ...

        Whistles blew and words were chanted in a clearing
in the forest near a 'abandoned' old house (or near a SUV-5
which had bashed into a tree, if you prefer that landmark),

Seems a trifle awkward way to refer to this place considering how
smoothly it was cut to before -- did you guys each write a different
scene involving the house? They should match better.

under the stars.  It was a call, a summons which was ancient
when men still thought that banging rocks together to make
flint blades was the greatest invention of all.  The
whistling had been a bit trickier then, though. 

        The stars shone down serenely, slowly moving in
their courses across the heavens, unshrouded by a single
cloud.  Aldebaraan hung low in the sky, and Fomalhaut could

Aldeberaan, where Hastur rests; Fomalhaut, the star Master Pharoah 90,
er, I mean Cthuga, hangs out near...(actually I heard Cthuga bought a
condo in Tau Ceti...)

be seen far off.  The forest was silent, a thing of beauty. 
 Well, if the five humans making all the noise had shut up,
it would have been silent.  As it was, three of them were

This is kind of a ... smart-assed way to describe this ritual. I'm not
sure that it's an effective choice.

trying to chant in unison and failing, another one kept
blowing a silver whistle as if his life depended on it, and
the fifth one was trying to surreptitiously do her nails
while holding a book for the first three. This wasn't
working so well. 

I'd almost suspect this woman of being the "romance novelist" from
earlier, but SHE seemed more competent.

        Still, the summons was more a formality than a
necessity, and those summoned heard the mangled call. 
Indeed, they had heard it before it began;  they had to, for
while they were fast, they had a far, far journey to arrive
in time to aid those who served the same master as they. 

Good approach; reminds me of the Rohirrin (sp?) horses from the Thomas
Covenant series.

        Slowly, wingbeats broke the not-silence as they
came, descending from the sky into the clearing, the frost
of space still shrouding their limbs, slowly shaking off the
cold that will kill any human.  But they had never been such
a frail thing as a man. 

A bit choppy.

        Misato frowned.  Maybe I should have done the
laundry, she thought. Math had never been her strong point. 
Especially since she was pretty sure she already had a haiku
she'd written in high school about beer that she could have
scribbled down. 

And her "logic" here is what? She should have sent Shinji to the
laundromat with the math and kept the haiku? Actually didn't she say
she'd do ALL the homework if he did ALL the laundry?

        They started trashing her apartment, and with
every breaking noise, a little cash register in her mind
began to tote up the cost of fixing everything.  Shattered
glass.  5,000 yen a pane.  Broken TV.  50,000 yen.  She
heard the refrigerator door open and the sound of beer being
scattered across the room.  Hundreds of yen there.  There

FUN-ny!

was a loud squawk of terror.  Pen-pen! she thought.  And
through it all, the phone kept ringing. 

        Footsteps in the hallway, getting closer.  More

Shouldn't the footsteps be odd somehow? Shambling, clonking, etc?

squawking.  More wasted beer.  She tensed and readied her
gun.  They would be framed in the doorway. She could see the

They? Oh, you're trying to be gender neutral aren't you ... Just use he.
Wouldn't she assume her assailant was more likely to be a he? Wouldn't
the size of the shadow hint that? Or REALLY confuse people and use te
and ter (yes, they're real words.)

shadow first...it had wings? 

        Then it stepped into the doorway.  It was naked and
bipedal, with a black chitinous hide run through with
streaks of grey and blue.  On a few places, ice clung to its
wings and its limbs, and there was a faint sheen of moisture
all over it.  It had two arms, with ended in thick three
pronged claws, and two legs which it stood upon shakily, its
legs bent unnaturally.  Its black leather wings were folded
in somewhat, compacted to allow it passage down the narrow
hallway. 

Darn! Now, is this supposed to be a Mi-go, the fungi from Yuggoth
(usually assumed to be Pluto) which I remember as being like giant
grasshoppers, or a Night Gaunt, which I remember as being bat-winged? In
Lovecraft's mythology, as I understand it, Mi-go are allies to the Old
Ones but night gaunts serve Nodens, the only Elder (space) God ever
named in the Mythos. Cthulhu and the Old Ones were supposedly banished
from Earth to another plane by the Elder Gods. (That's why the "elder
sign" can repell the Old Ones like a cross to a vampire. There are
*opposed* alien forces at work.) 

Whether you're following the mythology that way or not is important to
know. I have been _assuming_ the use of 'Elder God' in the title to be
poetic misuse of the term and that it is actually referring to the Old
Ones, since the first "angel" was actually a lesser Old One. On the
other hand, it could signify an attempt to use the legacy of the Elder
Gods to keep the Old Ones down (Misato DOES have that elder sign
pendent, ne?)

Anyway, if they ARE night gaunts that are attacking, and you are aware
of the distinction between Elder Gods and Old Ones, it implies to me
that Nerv is actually aligned with the Old Ones and some cult is trying
to shut them down. If you're using a different or simplified take on the
mythos, which you're certainly entitled to do because, it is after all,
YOUR STORY ... well, then I have no idea what's really going on. (It's
still good & weird tho! ^_^)

        Misato stared at it in shock; what the hell WAS
it?  She couldn't move, transfixed by a primal fear like

My question exactly Misato... 

        It looked into the room and sniffed.  She tried to
shoot, but her fingers wouldn't move.  Her brain felt

Shouldn't she be experiencing flight-or-fight response? If it has a
paralyzing fear power, well, it's not clear.

stuffed with cotton.  It shook its head and stepped back
out, heading down the hallway, where it promptly began to

... it fled? (much later ... remembered she was wearing an Elder Sign
pendant).

        While she thought to herself, the creature walked
right past her, ignoring her completely.  She blinked in

Whoa, that is weird. But we the readers and Misato are all confused
together so its ok.

        I bet his teacher will never believe this, she
thought. 

That was SUCH a great running gag for the rest of the episode... LOL!

        Shinji had concluded he would never become a poetry
teacher.  "It has a nature reference because it does. 

Is he trying to say that the haiku calls for a nature reference or that
the third line of it IS a nature reference and its good subject matter?

        Seconds later, the glass shattered inward;
apparently they didn't have much use for doors.  The few
people still in the area howled in fear or froze in terror.
One of the two creatures grabbed one of them with a clawed
hand, pulling it close, while the other sniffed the air,
then began to lope over towards the row of dryers as the
first one enjoyed its snack. 

        The screams of the dying source of nutrition snapped
the remaining people into action, namely running away. 
Shinji was terrified, but Rei remained calm. "We must
escape," she said. 

Ok, the grabbing another person and killing him bit was glossed over too
much, I had to re-read the paragraph a few times to find the source of
nutrition. I really don't think you need to shy away from saying that a
hapless laundry-goer had his head ripped off, just don't dwell. ^_^

much happened until Rei straightened most of the way up and
shoved also from above instead of below. The whole row of
dryers, a huge contraption of ten linked machines, stacked
in two rows of five, toppled over onto the creature, which
gave out a great howl. 

That is NOT normal human strength.

cocked its head and stared at Shinji and Rei with one beady
brown eye. 

        Its gaze was hypnotic, or perhaps Shinji's earlier
fears simply rushed back in upon him.  He stood, and stared,

Ok, you needed to make it clear when Misato was paralyzed that it was a
hypnotic eye attack.

girl pilot, Rei, running full tilt down the street carrying
the boy pilot, Shinji, her eyes almost glowing red, though
it was probably just the flash, she was sure. Thinking back,
Megumi was sure the girl was running...very, very fast. 

That is NOT normal human speed. ^_^

done more when they were in my apartment.  She fingered her
medallion without being aware of what she was doing.  It was

subtle....

apartment forever,"  she said.  "And how I'm going to
replace everything they broke...I don't know." 

She doesn't have renter's insurance?

        "Alert the armed forces.  A good bombing never
hurts." 

Heh heh ...

        "For lack of a better name, we're designating them
as 'Cherubim',"  Ritsuko said.  "They are like Angels, but

Seems like a very odd name choice, considering that Cherubs are one of
the higher-ranked choirs of angels. Sure, the image of cherubs as little
valentine cupids is prevalent, but the people behind the scenes SURELY
know enough about Kaballa to not think that way. You could at least use
an alternate spelling, such as Kerubim, to distance them from the
winged-baby image.

much lesser.  Essentially, we can think of a fifth kingdom

Five? I thought there were three--Animal, Plant, and that nebulous one
that some microbes and slime-molds fall into. 

        "A couple of them broke into the hospital," Touji
said.  "Some attacked Rei and Shinji at the laundromat,
too." 

How very ODD... what was their objective I wonder? Or should I say
'who?'

won't.  I won't give up.  There's always a cure.  Always." 
She walked out swiftly, slamming the door. 

        Maya frowned.  A cure?  A cure to what?  She's not
sick, is she? Maya didn't want to think about that
possibility. 

Hm, I seem to remember a slime bath in a previous episode. -_^

        "Elegant," Gendo said, as he sat at his desk.  "But
she will likely be trouble."

Triple underline that Mr. Gendo...

his desk.  "Those fools don't really understand what Rei
is," he said.

Ooo, scary!

because our methods were less crude than the Massachusetts
experiments doesn't mean we fully know what we've
unleashed." 

Miskatonic U! Go 'pods! <waves Misk. U. baseball hat and brandishes
diploma>

Fuyutsuki replied. "DAGON has caused quite a few
casualties, more than any of our other projects." He paused.
"Almost more."

Father DAGON and Mother HYDRA eh? <g>

        "The Fount is not unguarded now," Gendo said.  "No
fools will stumble into it."  He rose.  "I must go and
confer with my 'superiors' now." 

        "Will the Second Child arrive before the next
attack?"

        "Our scouts indicate he has not yet awakened, though
he stirs. And when he does...it will be a long swim from
where he slumbers.  Although I would not wish to be living
in Toronto this year," Gendo said, walking towards the door. 
"This would be much easier if we could simply order him
transferred to a secure facility, but..."

He huh? Interesting! If I watched EVA I would probably know what this is
referring to.

Well, overall guys, a riveting chapter. Intriguing developments and lots
of good world-building. The details are filling in slowly, but they ARE
filling in. I'm eagerly awaiting the next installment!

Nightman