The Prank That Wasn't

A Ranma 1/2 FanFiction
By
Ohki-Dohki

Ranma 1/2 and its characters are the property of Viz Video, Shogakukan,
Kitty, etc. This work is purely for free entertainment purposes, and no
compensation has been or will be received for it.

Author's Quips: I have often told myself I would never write a pure Ranma
fic (it's all been done, hasn't it?), but here we are. Part 1 was written in
one pass, and the rest of the fic is firm in my mind. The only event that
hasn't occurred relative to either the video or the manga is that Nodoka
hasn't learned who Ranko and Panda-chan are, yet, and the various events
that follow or are dependent on that. I MAY incorporate that situation in
later chapters. On that matter, I'm not really concerning myself with canon
so much as I am with FUN. There is a serious undercurrent, which will be
explored as the work progresses. Enjoy.

C&C very welcome. Post to FFML or privately to dfroeder@gte.net.
Flames incinerated.

It's a little risque in places, but I don't think it qualifies as a lime...
yet.

____________________

Part 1 - Boredom Makes for Strange Bedfellows
____________________


*TAP* *TAP* *TAP*

Tendo Nabiki looked up from her ledger with surprise. A knock at a
second-story window is unusual, unless it's...

"Ranma." Smirking, Nabiki leaned across and slid the window back. "Hey,
Saotome. What brings you to my neighborhood?"

Saotome Ranma was hanging upside down from his feet on the underside of the
eave. He nervously unwrapped a wadded piece of paper. Forgetting that
gravity was working in the opposite direction, the paper slipped and fell
up, from his perspective. "Ack!" He almost fell but managed to snag the page
before it got out of reach. He stretched it between his hands and spared
Nabiki a quick glance.

"Um... I am here, *ahem*, to offer you a trade," he read.

He sneaked another glance at her, and Nabiki's mind began furiously turning
over infinite possibilities for monetary gain. Ranma continued.

"I need help with a project... sort of..."

"You sort of need help?" Nabiki interrupted.

"No, no. It's, ah, a sort-of project."

She raised an eyebrow but motioned for him to continue.

"I would like to, ah, interest you in a, *cough* *cough*,
potentialhighreturninvestment," he squeaked out.

"A WHAT?"

He sighed. "A potential high return investment."

"Ranma, who coached you to say all that?"

"Huh? Nobody!"

"Yeah right, Saotome."

"Honest! I read Forbes Japan."

Nabiki face-faulted. Only her crooked arms and legs were visible through the
window. She climbed to her feet and said, "And I suppose you understood it,
too."

"Well... not really, but I looked up enough in the dictionary to write
this."

"And where did you FIND a Forbes Japan?"

"Downstairs. I guess it was yours."

"I'll have to charge a use fee for that, you know," she deadpanned.

Ranma faulted and fell to the ground, Takahashi hands akimbo. Nabiki
laughed.

"Oh, Ranma-kun. You are so EASY."

Ranma leapt to the ledge outside Nabiki's window. "Look! Just hear me out,
okay? Pleeeeaaaaassssse, Nabiki!?"

"Fine. But if I don't like it, I'm still charging you that use fee AND for
my time."

"Fair enough. Um... Can I come in?"

Nabiki moved aside as Ranma hopped through the window. Nabiki motioned to
her chair while she perched on the edge of her bed, legs crossed. Nabiki
noticed him trying not to stare at her legs and failing miserably.
Snickering inside, she uncrossed her legs and slid forward as much as she
still could causing her short shorts to ride even higher. She leaned back
slightly, placing her palms on the bed, and slowly crossed her legs again.
Ranma was completely engrossed in her little ceremony and hardly reacted
when she spoke.

"See something you like, Ranma-kun?"

"Yes," he mumbled absently. Ranma jerked his eyes up and turned blood red,
working his mouth silently. Nabiki just sat there, on display and enjoying
Ranma's discomfort. Ranma rediscovered his voice box.

"Nabiki!! I... you... Akane..."

"All three of us?"

Ranma's mouth shut with an audible click while his eyeballs bulged. Nabiki
finally lost it and roared with laughter. Ranma became incensed and turned
his head while Nabiki rolled onto her stomach and buried the noise in the
sheets. A thought suddenly occurred to her.

"Do you like this side, too, Ranma-chan?"

Ranma stood. "Fine! You're no help at all." He started climbing out the
window.

"Wait, Ranma! HAHAHA! I just couldn't pass the opportunity up. Come on, tell
me what's on your mind."

He grudgingly returned to the chair.

"Well, Nabiki. You see... um.... Okay, it's like this. I am really sort
of... well..." He fumed.

"Spit it out, Ranma."

"Yeah... well..."

Nabiki quietly yawned. Ranma frowned, but he abruptly smiled. "How's the
betting going these days?"

"What!?"

"How's the betting going?"

"Okay, I guess. Why?"

"Hasn't it been getting, er, less okay, lately?"

She looked at him suspiciously. "Yeah, okay. Sure. Now how did you know?"

He ignored her question, pushing his own. "Why is that?"

She frowned at his shift but answered. "Everybody already knows what's going
to happen with people, who'll win the next fight, and so on, and so on."

"Right! Nobody's doing anything different. It's boring!"

"Exactly."

"Man, what I wouldn't give for a good kidnapping or monster right now,"
Ranma said wistfully.

"Bite your tongue, Saotome."

"Quite, Tendo. Quite."

They held their charade for a second then burst into giggles.

"I don't really want to see a monster or have a kidnapping. It's not really
fun," Ranma continued. "I WOULD like things to change a little. I mean, it's
the same old thing, day after day. Akane cooks. I get poisoned then malleted
for choking. Fiancees are glomping me right and left. Family honor demands
this. Blah, blah, blah. Family honor demands that. Blah, blah, blah. I got
guys trying to kill me, date me, or kill me then date me. The same people
always doing the same thing." He slumped in his chair. "I am SO BORED."

Nabiki giggled.

"Remember last Friday? I came in all wasted? You know what I did? NOTHING
was happening, and it looked like nothing was going to happen all weekend. I
actually dunked myself in the canal and went LOOKING FOR KUNO! I won't tell
you what I did to get his attention, but he chased me for hours. I kept just
out of reach and teased him to keep him interested. I AM SOOO BORRRRRED!!"

Nabiki laughed out loud at the anecdote. "Thanks, Ranma. I should charge you
for my silence, but Kuno will be willing to pay A LOT more for pictures,
now."

"No sweat." They regarded each other and an unconscious understanding
existed between them for a second, but the moment quickly passed, leaving
only an impression. "But," he said, "that doesn't solve my problem."

"I take it you had something in mind."

Ranma grinned. "On this TV show the other day, this guy was sorta in the
same boat as me - bored. He decided to 'stir up the pot', as he said. That's
where I got the idea. Not what he did cause it don't fit here, but there is
something only I can do."

Ranma's grin grew slightly crazed as he peered at Nabiki. "I think..." He
paused for effect. "I think I am going to go girl for a while." He sat back
with a very satisfied look on his face.

Nabiki stared at him. "Are you SERIOUS? I thought you HATED that."

"Ah, well... you know..." He waved his hand in the air nonchalantly and
looked around. "I've had quite a while to get used to it, and I, um, don't
really, er, find it that, *cough* *cough*, bad anymore."

Nabiki briefly considered investing in underground parkas, but shoved it
aside for more immediate matters. She put her dealer's face on and spoke.

"That's all well and good, but Saotome, you go girl every time you get wet."

"True. But that's where you come in. I don't intend to go 'sweet' girl, if
you get me." He wiggled his eyebrows.

"Okay, who are you?"

"I know, I know. It isn't me. But... I can't really explain it. I need to do
this more than I need to... well, if I don't do this, I think I'll go nuts.
You know what I mean?"

"Yeah. Unfortunately, I know all too well." Somber, she mused on that for a
moment.

"Nabiki?"

"Sorry, Ranma. You were saying?"

"I need your help. I don't think I can do this on my own and make anyone
believe it. I need a coach." His eyes lit up. "I know! You can be my
sensei!"

Nabiki smiled at him fondly. "Sometimes, Saotome, you are okay." Her smile
disappeared. "However, as fun as this sounds, I don't see it as having a
high enough guarantee of increased betting revenues as it stands."

Ranma smirked. "I was waitin' for that." Nabiki frowned. After all, she had
a reputation to maintain. "How about a trade, then? I'll..." He wet his lips
and gathered his courage. "I'll pose for you."

Nabiki's eyes became dinner plates. "Does the phrase 'pod people' mean
anything to you?"

"Huh?"

"Never mind. You REALLY want this, don't you?" He nodded. He must be closer
to the edge than I realized, she thought. "You KNOW what kind of shoot I'll
want."

He nodded, again, slowly. "Anything but nudes or lingerie."

She gave him her best piercing look, trying to see if he was completely
serious. He didn't flinch. "Okay, Ranma. You've got a deal."

"Yatta! Thanks, Nabiki. You won't regret this. Uh... when can we get
together to do this?"

"Down, boy." She smirked. "This Saturday will do nicely, I think. Here's
what we'll do..."

____________________

On a sunny Saturday in the Nerima ward of Tokyo two women were walking
through the parking lot of a local mall. One wore attractive and stylish
clothing, clothing that lent a certain sophisticated and professional air.
Knee-length dark skirt, turtleneck, and sports jacket were tastefully
combined in a very nice package.

If cars were men, the parking lot would have been filled with melted rubber,
cracked glass, and burnt-off paint. The professional woman's companion could
only be described as HOT; unfortunately, her clothing screamed TRAMP. Oddly
enough, the ensemble began at the bottom with a familiar pair of
martial-arts slippers. Moving up, however, form-fitting and very tight black
leather pants left only colors to the imagination. A beaded midriff T-shirt
threatened to billow up and expose ungodly assets. The woman's hair was a
marvel, though. Her mane, lengthened to almost brush the ground by the
timely removal of a certain dragon's whisker, was artfully teased, and it
billowed around her like a cape. Somewhat overdone makeup, bangles,
spangles, large hoop earrings, and innumerable bracelets finished off her
appearance. She also carried a number of shopping bags filled with a new
wardrobe. The only real problem with this picture was the line of almost
surgically altered human males in her wake.

"Perverts!"

Nabiki laughed at the incongruous remark. "You did look at yourself in the
mirror, right?"

"Yeah, yeah."

"Well, wouldn't you want to fondle you?"

Ranma-chan glowered. "I'm not interested in THEIR opinions! Where's Ryoga
when you need him."

Ask and ye shall receive.

"Nabiki-san!" A rugged young man dressed in a dingy yellow tunic, lace-up
sandals, black pants, and a bandana around his forehead approached the two
women. He was carrying a large backpack and an innocent-looking bamboo
umbrella on the top with practiced ease.

"Ryoga." Nabiki smiled at him and then turned to her companion. "This is
your first test," she whispered. "Don't blow it."

"Nabiki-san, would you be kind enough to, ah, lead me to the dojo?" He
scratched his head in embarrassment, but his attention was forced onto the
woman suddenly pawing him. "AACK!!"

"Ryoga-chan! Where have you BEEN!?" Ranma-chan had glomped him on his side.
She slid one leg up his front and rubbed her foot on his kneecap. The wind
blew her very long hair all over the lost boy, almost hiding him.

Nabiki's eyes boggled. THIS she hadn't expected. She actually began to worry
about Ranma a little.

"Who-who-who ARE you? Miss, uh, miss..."

"Don't MISS me, Ryoga-chan! You don't remember your old friend, hmmm?"

Ryoga's blood pressure reached volcanic levels as Ranma-chan began rubbing
her entire leg up and down the front of his body. Any clues Ryoga might have
gathered on the identity of his "attacker" were completely lost due to
Ranma-chan's ministrations.

"Heh, heh. Look, I REALLY gotta go. I don't think..."

"That's right, don't think. Just FEEEEL." She snuggled up closer and
whispered in his ear, "I'm hurt, Ryoga-chan." She wrapped her arms around
his neck. "You don't remember your old friend, Ranma?"

Ryoga immediately became furious. "RANNNMAAA..."

"RYOGA!" Ranma-chan interrupted.

"Uh, what?" Ryoga was still a little confused.

"I have something for you," and she rubbed her breasts along his arm and
chest. A fountain of blood erupted from Ryoga's nose, and he went down hard.

Ranma-chan had leapt away to avoid getting blood all over her, and she and
Nabiki looked at Ryoga for a few seconds before Ranma-chan started
guffawing.

"That... That right there made this whole thing worth it!
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA..."

Nabiki giggled a little, but a little worry still ran through her mind. If
this is where he starts, where will he end?

____________________

Ranma-chan stood before the gates to the Tendo compound. Nabiki had taken
her leave some time earlier and should already be inside, waiting for the
grand entrance. Ranma-chan had strolled around Nerima for a couple of hours
to walk off a strange tingling in her breasts, but she was also trying to
get the feel of things and gauge people's reactions.

Men were de facto a lost cause; they could only stare and drool. The women's
reactions varied from envy to disgust to outright hatred. One woman,
carrying a strange oblong object wrapped in silk, had called her a whore to
her face. Ranma-chan was bothered by that for a while but shrugged it off.
After all, this wasn't really him, and if people were going to be that
intolerant, that was their problem. But the main event was about to start,
and she couldn't put it off any longer. With a mix of dread and expectation,
she opened the gate and advanced on the house proper.

Sliding the front door opened she passed the staircase, placing her shopping
on the side, and entered the hall. She silently passed the kitchen and
observed Akane strangling something approximating dinner. This should stop
that, she thought. She adjusted her gait and pranced into the tearoom.

Genma and Soun were concentrating heavily on their game of shogi and hadn't
noticed her arrival, and Nabiki was seated at the table reading a shojo
manga. Their eyes met, and Ranma-chan wiggled her eyebrows. Nabiki had to
stifle a giggle as Ranma-chan slinked over to the two men and proceeded to
rock their world.

"Father! How are you, today?" She kissed him on the cheek. Genma was locked
in mid-shogi cheat and his clutch wouldn't engage. Ranma-chan leaned over to
Soun and pecked him on the cheek. As she pulled back, she could she him
staring down her shirt. She straightened and, remembering a similar
situation with Nabiki, said in a coquettish manner, "Why, Mr. Tendo. Is
there SOMETHING you WANTED?" Soun vigorously shook his head, long hair
flying. "Oh... well, if you're sure." Soun almost gave himself whiplash
nodding his head.

"AAAAAAAHHHH!!" *THUNK*

Everyone turned to see Akane standing halfway into the tea room and a bowl
of food(?) on the floor, its contents having geysered onto the tatami mats.
Akane was unmoving and mute.

Kasumi quickly appeared at her side and, as usual, cut straight to the heart
of the matter. "Ranma! Did you have a fight, today?"

Ranma-chan nodded and hurriedly resumed her role. "Feh!" Oops! "I mean, yes.
Ryoga showed up at the mall. He managed to get in one lucky hit this
time..." She rubbed the side of her head, and Kasumi's eyes registered a
sudden understanding. Ranma-chan put her fists together in front of her
bosom. "But I..." She opened her arms quickly. "flashed him and beat him
with a terminal nose bleed. HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Oh, my!"

"It was classic Ryoga." Ranma-chan focused on Akane.

"Akane-chan," she breathed. She skipped to right in front of her fiancee. "I
wanted to talk to you. About the engagement..." Ranma-chan softly took
Akane's right wrist and gently brought it up. "I'm really looking forward to
sharing everything with you." She laid Akane's palm onto her breast.
Ranma-chan surprised herself with an unaffected gasp.

Akane looked down at her hand as it slowly slid down Ranma-chan's front, who
appeared to be having a little trouble standing. Realization dawned on the
youngest Tendo.

"AAAAAAHHHH!!" she repeated and jumped ten feet straight back.

Ranma-chan adopted a hurt look and sniffed. "Don't you like me?" She took a
step forward. "Akane-chan?" She took several steps forward, and Akane took
several steps back. "Akane?" Ranma-chan began to run towards her, and Akane
bolted. "AKANE-CHAN!" Ranma-chan cried.

They began to race a circuit through the main hall, outside and down the
covered veranda, and back through the hall, and over, and over. The Doppler
effect of Akane's screaming was quite noticeable, and the heads of everyone
stationary mimicked a tennis match. Poor Kasumi was standing flat against
the hall partition, but she eventually leapt through the kitchen opening
between circuits with a startled "Oh, my!"

"Saotome."

"Tendo."

Pause.

"What was that?"

"I'm not really sure."

The two watched three circuits of the runners.

"Is this something we should be worried about?"

"Quite, Tendo."

"Shall we call Tofu-sensei?"

"Quite."

Nabiki was in extreme pain trying not to bust a gut.

___________________

END PART ONE