On Wed, Jan 13, 1999 at 10:41:16PM -0500, Adrian Wong wrote:
[Two kids, a curvy girl with long flowing purple air, and a muscular yet
^^^
hair
petite maiden with a short bob cut were leaping from the tip of one pole
Maiden? I dunno, the word seems more in place in Victorian literature...
realized that the boy was staring at the purple-haired girl, now
somersaulting form pole to pole in triumph, with a glimmer of admiration in
his eyes. She proceeded to plummet him to the ground.]
^^^^^^^
Hmm... knock?
Time: 2040
Location: Starlight Stadium, Planet Eden
"Shawn! Shawn! Shawn!"
What? What? What? :)
Stepping out of the limo, a twenty-ish, short-haired man in sunglasses and
business surveyed the crowd of frantic fans calling out to their beloved.
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a business suit, I would think.
Women, and even some men were waving banners around, proclaiming their
undying love for the hottest idol of the galaxy. Closing his eyes under
the guise of his sunglasses, he drowned himself within the cries of
adoration, allowing it to coarse through his veins like a potent drug . . .
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course
. . . and was gently but firmly probed aside as the object of the fans'
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Not really the right word here. Shoved, perhaps? Or pushed, and then
change the 'pushed' to 'shoved' in the next line.
Stretching itself into its full height, the robotic computer hardware with
arms and legs slowly turned a full circle, before fixing its red lens upon
'robotic computer hardware with arms and legs' sounds rather awkward.
the frantic fans calling out its namesake with such desperation. Grandly,
the square head robot by the name of Shawn Apple strode up the stairs
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headed
"None of your business, Nabiki."
"Hush," the other woman hissed, "can't this petty quarrel wait until
Double indent.
To this, Ranma sulked:
"This ain't fair . . . all these adoration. Shawn Apple is nothing if not
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this
for . . ."
"Don't you dare go into that, PRODUCER Ranma," the other woman hissed,
"the world loves Shawn Apple only because they thought its Personality
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think
flight plan! WHAT IS SHE TRYING TO DO WITH MY BABY?!"
"Calm down, Miss. Newman," Commander Millard said calmly, "I shall scold
^
Don't need a period after 'Miss'.
featuring a perfect sculpture of a phoenix lingering like an ethereal
giant in the sky. Popping out of its eye, YF-19 did a couple more flips in
the air, flaunting itself before the stunner officers of New Edwards.
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stunned
Her screech was immediately cut off by having a high-heeled boot landing
right on top of her immaculately styled beehive hairstyle. Using that
Kodachi in a beehive hairdo? Ummm.... :)
"Aiya, what a cute officer they have here at New Edwards. What's your
name, pretty?"
This should probably be part of the previous paragraph.
Inside a dark, computer stacked room at the back stage of Starlight
Stadium, a computer generated "backbone" of a humanoid holographic image
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Do you mean a wireframe?
was doing a rather complex kata in midair, as Ranma and a few other techs
watched on. A rather powerful, rapid beat was playing in the background,
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Repetetetetive.
Taking off his sunglasses, Ranma studied the holographic image with a
light frown before commenting:
"I want his spinning kick to go 15 degrees further: it'll make his dance
^
;
look a lot more dramatic during the concert."
Again, I don't see why you broke this out into another paragraph.
"15 degrees further during the spin!"
The image's movement was adjusted, looking a lot for fluid than before.
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more
"The press conference is about to begin, prepared yourself."
begin; prepare
"Hai, hai." Ranma replied joylessly as he exited the room. Watching the
spinning, abstract humanoid image in the room, Nabiki's smile turned a
little obsessed as her lips loved wordlessly.
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Um... moved?
Speeding through the vehicle-studded highway, Shampoo was clearly having
fun as a green-faced Mint hang on to her narrow waist for dear life.
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hung, or was hanging
"There's nothing like driving on the wrong lane, is there?" Shampoo
^^
in
A giant robotic bus suddenly came right in front of the tiny motorcycle.
Anticipating this, Shampoo kicked down on the brakes, causing her bike to
fly right over the entire soaring length of the bus before landed back onto
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doesn't really fit here.
"MAY WE SEE APPLE_SAMA TODAY?!" A dozen female reports asked at the same
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reporters
A chorus of laughter could be heard in return. More questions were asked.
"Hey, rumor has it that famous child star, Hinako Hinomiya, has wanted to
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Ninomiya
purchase him as her fiancee. What do you think of that?"
Some things never change, it seems. :)
More laughter . . . then the reporters dived into the deadier questions.
"Some music critics have denounced the concept of 'Virtual Idolatry',
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'Idolization' might be a better word here.
"Heh, the new pilot for YF-19 had really pissed off the Commander with her
little display. At the rate things are going,, our side will win for sure!"
^
Only need one comma.
"Don't underestimate him . . ." Akane replied evenly before trailing off
^^^
Him? Who is being referred to here?
"Hey, you know what?" Turning back to Akane, Ranma attempted a proud
smiled: a poor imitation of the one he had in his young. "I am now the
^^^^^^ ^^^^^
smile, youth
Shampoo's reply was to turn away from her. Leaning against a confused
Mint, she purred.
"Aiya, this place sucked. Let's go somewhere else."
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sucks
[The next night, at Starlight Stadium]
"SHAWN! SHAWN! SHAWN!"
What? What? What?
Squeezing their way through the crowd, Shampoo and Mint were both
starry-eyed as they saw the amazing play of laser beams on the main stage
area. Turning towards their third companion for the night, Mint said.
"Wow, this is beginning to look spectacular. But really, I didn't know
YOU'D be a fan of something this trendy, Kodachi."
This should probably be a part of the previous paragraph.
"Are you crazy?" The now scantly clad computer nut replied, "how can
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How
anyone who like computers NOT like Shawn? He is the most amazing thing
ever to be created by human hands."
Might want an exclamation mark after 'hands'.
At the backstage area, Ranma was eye-closed and lying flat on a complex
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Awkward. Might want to change the sentence to something like:
Ranma was lying down on a complex device, his eyes closed.
A slow, eerie music permeated the stadium, as countless 3D projectors
turned the entire area into a luscious entanglement of giant, thorny wines
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vines
A ghost of a man, with miles and miles of long hair flaring around him,
appealed on the centre of the stage. Lying flat on his stomach, his face
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appeared
obscured by ethereal tresses, he grounds his pelvis into the heart of the
large flower beneath him, causing his well-shaped behind to flex
deductively as the female audiences screamed out in rapture . . .
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seductively
<< Listen up, whores with respectability . . . >>
A serpent swimming through the dim lights, and the swam of butterflies . .
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swarm
Arching back in a dance like motion that had somehow got the drama of a
martial arts stance, the serpent-man flaunt his incredible "virtual assess"
^^^^^^ ^^^^^^
flaunted, assets
(Actually, I read 'virtual asses' the first time I read through it.
Somehow I think that has more than a little bit of relevance, too. :)
at the audiences, as screams and hoots filled the stadium, threatening to
down out the eerie song . . .
<< So let's indulge it till you find enlightenment . . . >>
I find this song quite intriguing...
"Aiya . . . I guess I have to admit that in some areas, a fake is much
better than the real thing . . . Huh?"
Looking beside herself, Shampoo saw Mint and Kodachi moving to the music
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beside her,
'Beside herself' has a quite different meaning...
Fusing his mind with the hidden recorders in the building, Ranma saw a
beautiful, yet obsessed looking women typing into her watch, before
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woman
shooting the camera a look and quickly logged off the device.
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logging
And beside her, a luscious purple-haired woman looking on curiously . . .
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looked
<< Cats, and Kittens . . .
Claws, and Fangs . . . >>
Adult and long-haired once more, various suit clad Shawn's drifted around
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Shawns
< What am I doing?! He's just a virtual doll . . . But his emotions . . .
those emotions can't really be computer generated, can it? In fact . . . >
^^
they
Well, what can I say? Another excellent story, at the very least.
A couple additional comments:
- This probably has the potential to become the best, by far,
characterization of Shampoo that I've ever seen. Doggone it, why
can't anyone else seem to write Shampoo like that?
- Again, I find Shawn's first song in the concert to be quite
intriguing. It seems to hint at a much deeper form of love
than the narrow-minded caricature commonly seen in fanfiction.
Needless to say, I would urge you to continue this.
--
-Sean Connor (
sec@konatsu.ml.org)
(
sec@cableregina.com) ,,,,
(
sec@softhome.net) ,-^^,--/
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