Hello hello hello,
On the whole, not a whole lot of comments on the last few
chapters:
She ran, ignoring the rocks and trees, stepping right
through a small river of carnivorous ants who parted for her like
So the island is protecting her for some reason.
Screaming an incoherent shriek of need, she jumped to the
sphere, grabbed it, curled herself around it, pulled herself
tighter and tighter against it...
She is Samas Aran after all.
It welled up from the pit of her stomach, like a burning
acid, almost making her faint from the pain. Slowly, tendrils of
it moved through her body, and she screamed, feeling something
inside her twist and writhe and decay.
Visually, should I picture something like the X-Files oil alien?
A cold, prickling feeling began to work its way along Ukyo's
spine. He returned to the main house, grabbed his fighting stick
and a torch, and ran out into the jungle night.
Akane didn't take Nabiki. Ukyou didn't take Nabiki. Ukyou left the
gate open. Who's watching the kid?
He ran, and did not slow his pace until he has
passed the gate and was safely out of the barren zone.
'he has' should be 'he had' for tense continuity... or was the 'has
passed' a typo of 'was past'?
Akane's skin was a pale, puffy, grub-white hue. Her hair was
in matted strands, and her fingernails had turned a deep blackish-
blue.
Ukyo just shook his head and muttered under his breath about Gothic
trends.
an unwholesome mass of green
and gray and black that looked like watery clay. He had gagged at
the stench, and almost fainted as he threw it over the palisade.
Well, it'll keep the dogs away at any rate...
and then she sank back into sleep, her nude body a pale white
against the brown reeds of their pallet.
I know she's pale and all from being sick, but I'd think she and
Ukyou would be really brown after being on the sunny island for
over two years.
The next morning, Ukyo found the first of the lesions.
It was on her left side, between her breast and her hip, and
I know the lesions are on Akane, but so soon after mentioning
Nabiki, you might want to consider making that 'her left side' into
'Akane's left side' or summat...
it was the color of a bruise, all purple and blue and scabby red,
and it wept a black oil.
Red skin, white skin, blue skin... she sounds like an American,
French, or Australian flag. ;> <okay, those are the only 3 I know
that have those colors...>
The leaves on its banks had turned that indescribable, ghastly hue...
but water is colorless, and remains so.
Shouldn't that be remained?
The fishing raft was big enough to seat one person in
comfort, and lie buried safely beneath a cairn of rocks on the
beach.
I am thinking that this should be two sentences. I mean, the fact
that it can hold one person and the fact that it's safely hidden
are not exactly related.
Once Akane pointed downwards in great excitement, and they
peered into the suddenly transparent water to glimpse the
crumbling green spires of a city.
How deep is it here? Or is this water so completely clear that they
can see a long ways down?
Log of the Wakazashi Maru, 5/23/98
Twas the Piper Maru on The X-Files. <G> Named after Gillian's baby
girl. But that's not really relavent to this story.
The baby is healthy, the adults are confused but
otherwise in sound mental health. We shall reach Japan
within a few days, and perhaps there fingerprint or
dental records will allow us to identify the two beyond a
first name.
There = Their unless it's supposed to be the Captain's spelling
error.
After all, as he somewhat hysterically
told his friends in a bar that night, the car had slowed to a mere
25 miles per hour...
Don't the Japanese use the metric system? And that was too funny. =)
"NO!" she screamed, backing away. "RANMA! HOW!"
HOW?!"
We don't know what happened to Mousse."
Didn't Akane and Ukyo eat some duck while on the island? ;)
She blinked again. "Aren't you dead?"
"I got better."
Or you could steal from Alien Ressurection: "I get that a lot." <G>
Yes, I've seen way too many movies.
Akane, and I know she... you hate me now. And the I'm the one who
made you... her hate me. I have nothing.*
I don't think you need the 'the' between "And - I'm the one..."
She wasn't relishing the idea of the constant Ranma/Akane
squabbling, either.
She just waking up from fainting?
"That's a cute little girl you've got. What's her name?" the
waitress asked, stalling a little.
I tried not to read the spoiler C&C on future chapters but I still
got that Kuno meets some girl. This her?
Ranma grinned. "If you end up home alone with her, I'd watch
it. You better use Nabiki-chan as a shield or you might be naked
on the floor before you know it."
Ah, when did Ranma get to be so wise in the ways of the world?
Akane frowned slightly. "Dropping off Nabiki?"
Her husband shrugged. "Yeah. I thought I might invite him in
for a drink, as well."
When them get married?
...
Ah, a year has passed. Nevermind.
"Unfortunately, one potential cure had serious, even deadly
results. More than one of the children were killed, and the young
man and one of his enemies ended up trapped together on a
mysterious island.
Awkward... I think that 'Several of the children were killed' sounds
a little better.
"I'm not letting you get away so easy this time," she said after they >parted.
That sentence makes it seem like she wanted him when he was younger...
"What's done is done. It's in the past and is going to stay there.
Is that why you came here? To pick a fight?" Akane shook her head
slowly, eyes downcast. "I don't need to. I don't _want_ to. The
only thing that ever achieved before was a lot of misery. I don't
want to be your enemy, Tojiko, so I'm not going to defend myself
over things that happened over two years ago."
This is a tad confusing. Akane asks Tojiko if she came to pick a
fight then Akane shakes her head?
"You're welcome. Straighten your cummerbund."
"Which piece of cloth is that?"
The one that OneShot used for a very funny Lime scented story.
Afterwards, there was the usual. Cake, dancing, the throwing
of a clump of flowers.
The destruction of the church...
Well, that was a great story. Fast paced and entertaining. Not exactly
sure that the identities needed to be hidden as long as they were but,
oh well.
A few more questions/ramblings before I stop this insane ride I call
C&C email.
The island: You said that the island was not completely of this world.
You mean an alternate dimension or something? Was that sunken city
we saw Atlantis?
The black goo. Was that something that was sealed away by the original
inhabitants, perhaps the inhabitants themself... or just a deus ex machina
to end our time on the island? Why was Akane called to the temple and
why didn't the oil kill her when it did everything else?
The wild dogs: Were they really intelligent as a pack or were Akane
and Ukyou just personalizing things?
Ranma and Kuno's reactions to regaining their memory: Well done!
That was handled wonderfully. I think you nailed it exactly on the
head.
The raft pick up: They were picked up somewhere near Massachusettes...
Why am I thinking that they should have been picked up off of the West
Coast of America? *shrug*
Okay, I'll stop with my chaotic ramblings and go read some homework
or something.
Warr
Who wonder's if it is ethical that the required reading for his Ethics
class was written by his Ethics teacher.
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