Ronny Hedin wrote:

Wow when I asked for a little C&C I wasn't expecting this kind of
dissection.
I knew that I had to resent this to the Prereaders before sending it to
the sharks :)

It was a sunny day in Nerima, but not very warm. The winter was

coming

soon and the icy winds were already making the weather cold.

Everybody

in Nerima knew that it would snow any day now. Many people were

already

wearing their thickest winter clothing.

Try to use more *active* descriptions. Perhaps something more like
"The sun shone down on Nerima, but did not manage to heat the city
all that much, the icy winds of an approaching winter making the
weather cold," etc etc etc. I can't say *yet*, having only read the
first paragraph so far, but I suspect this problem is consistent
through much of the fic. Really, it's not *that* hard to do something
about if you really think about it, and makes the prose feel *much*
smoother.

Well, to be honest I was trying to picture this scene in my mind, and
maybe the description wasn't too vivid or active as you say, still no
one pointed this one before.
I suppose that this is what differences a good writer from a normal one.
I'll keep that in mind.
 

"BRRR... cold, maybe I should wear my long sleeved shirt," thought

the

afore mentioned  martial artist. "What's the problem with that girl?
Every time that I try to be nice to her, she only gets  mad and

either

smacks me with her hammer, or pounds me with that gorilla like

strength

of hers." This particular thought was stopped when he had to get

ready

for the landing. After all, it was already too cold, and getting

himself

wet wasn't really a good idea right now.

Oh, Ranma is flying over Nerima after angering Akane, and starts
thinking about his relation to her... a bit of a cliche opening, isn't
it? I'm still reading, hoping that what follows will make it worth it,
but some might not. This is really an all *too* convenient way to
start,
and also IMO a very *non-saying* one.

I accept that I used some really cliched scenes, but I wanted to have
him away from the usual places where he hangs out, and this was just a
perfect excuse for it.
still I suppose that I need to give better reasons for this to be
happening, still I don't remember seeing a fic starting like this in
what... two or three weeks :)

This is especially true since here it doesn't seem to *go* anywhere;
it
just stops and changes scene totally before the poor boy even manages
to come to any conclusion, and if you just want to set Ranma up for
being out of the house later on, well, you don't really need to *show*
him flying through the air for that, do you? I doubt he stays indoor
all time except when punted out by Akane, anyway.

I fact I wanted to do this scene for two reasons, one to point out that
it was really cold, and I know that I already pointed that out in the
first paragraph, but this is important so I had to add this scene. 

The second reason was, I need him to be like the camel with a lot of
straws in the back, and since he has lot's of problems already I have to
wear him out little by little :)

land away of the puddle. Unfortunately, the added momentum of this

away from, though I think using something other than "away" may sound
better.

point.

maneuvering, made him crash with a near wall. And going through the

wall

of one of the squash camps, he fell in a park. "OUCH.... that really
hurt... maybe I'll just lie here for a while."

Beginning the sentence with "and" there looks *real* ugly.

then I'll take it out.

Akane was fuming outside of Furinkan high school, her left hand was
still raised after the uppercut that sent Ranma flying over Nerima.
"That... BAKA, Why  I put up with that jerk?" Thought Akane out loud.

her left hand still raised

jerk?" thought

oppsiiee sorry I didn't saw that one.

"Yes Akane, Sayuri's right. Why did you hit him this time?" Added

Yuka,

her other friend.

?" a

Ok I think that I got it this time, I don't have to capitalize after a
sign right?.
Still I remember that someone told me that I had to do it... I really
need to brush up my english.

OK, I won't comment on this any more times, you'll have to go over it
yourself to find the remaining instances: After a "speech-quote" like
that, unless you're beginning a "new" sentence, *don't* use a new
capital letter. Also, if the speech ends with a period, change it to
a comma. ie
"Hello," said Ranma.
"Hey!" exclaimed Ranma.
"What?" asked Ranma.
*but*
"Scary." Ranma ran.
oh, and the same thing goes for quoted thinking in <>, too.

Ok, ok sensei I got it :)
 

Both girls looked each other with big sweat drops. Everybody in

Furinkan

knew that Akane's cooking was very toxic. "But... Akane, he tried

the...

cake you made in economic class. Right Yuka?"

Change "both" to "the".

Sounds better.

"Cake !?! That wasn't cake. It was an okonomiyaki Sayuri, not a

cake."

cake, it

Heh. I had a bit of a laugh at this.

good then this isn't a lost cause.

"Well Akane, I don't know if turning blue and making choking sounds
counts as making fun you know."
Commented Yuka.

pfffh :D
know," commented
(and that *really* is the last time I'll point it out)

Sure, sure.
Still my word processor could swear that it was right last time I
checked it ^_^

"You too? I can't believe that you are on his side too!" With that,
Akane turned away from her friends and went muttering angrily to her
house.

Oh, and just in case, I'll add that this is the type of case where
you really *are* supposed to have a capital letter. Ie, nothing wrong.
^_^

aaahhh, ok me understands.

Yuka rolled her eyes and commented, "She's really mad this time. Poor
Ranma, sometimes I feel pity for him."

just "sometimes i pity him" sounds better IMO.

Just wondering what's the meaning of IMO ???

Smiling sourly, Sayuri answered. "Yes, sometimes I just don't

understand

Akane. Ranma is one of the cutest guys in Nerima, he's a great

martial

artist, he's got a great body, and can be really sweet sometimes."

Sourly? That doesn't really make sense to me.

Well it came from the word "sour" you know... Now jocking aside, I
wanted to show even if it's in a small way that some people are getting
tired of their situation, not only Ranma or Akane.

Why would her *friends* think Akane would react to him being nice
with anger?

Because if he's nicer to the people , usually the people will be nicer
to him too, and she gets jaleous.

I was going to explain this later, after all we still need to see
Akane's point of view about all of this.

Ranma was  tired. Worse, he was depressed. He had been in the park
thinking for some time. This alone would have surprised many people

that

knew him, after all he was famous for getting in a lot of trouble by
doing things without putting too much thought on them.

If Akane's punted him through the air innumerable times before, why
would he give it special thought now?

Well being dizzy in the floor, and feeling too hurt to get up gives you
some time to do absolute nothing, besides he's getting tired of all
this.

Think about it he tries to be better, even if it's a little and only
seems to make things worse. 

He had been thinking about a lot of things laying in the park. All

the

misunderstandings, the fiancees, his enemies, his mother and all the
troubles that had been plaguing his life lately. The outcome of all
those reflections were bad for his self-image.

I *think* "laying" is wrong, but I'm not 100% sure of the correct
form.

I was originally going to use lying, but as far as I know that means to
lie. 

Most of all those troubles were his own fault, albeit indirectly. He
had been letting the things happen to him without really taking
responsibility for them; he had not been trying to fix the

situations,

hoping that they would resolve themselves alone. however, just like a
snowball rolling down the hill they had been growing and becoming

more

complex and difficult with the time.

Ack, don't say he's now also going to try get a grip for no new
reasons?

nope, just try to see why things never seems to be going well for him :)

<snip some yelling about my horrible grammar and punctuation>

centered jerk, and he still talked too much, but now when he made a
mistake or he put his foot in his mouth he apologized, or at least

tried

to mutter something close to one. However, most of his recent

popularity

close to an apology.
("one" doesn't refer to anything, since you've only said "apologized"
as a verb)

Ok, sounds fair to me, this is one of my biggest problems, using verbs
in past or future tense tends to confuse me.
Most my previous mistakes writing this where in the verbs, and I this
that you can still see some of the used wrong.

All happened when one of the new teachers started teaching drawing
classes. She needed some models to teach the students how to draw
bodies. Getting photos of female bodies was rather easy. Nabiki had a
lot of photos of Ranma-chan with little or almost nothing by of

clothes,

However, when she was asked about some photos of Ranma's male body,

she

got in a little more troubles, they weren't that easy to take.

It all
easy; Nabiki
nothing in the way of clothes
troubles - they
(though I can't see why semi-nude *male* Ranma would be any harder
to take; she just haven't had much reason)

Well because they wheren't all semi nude photos, you see We the boys
only need to see a semi nude girls (in this case Ranma) to want to buy
the photos.

Now in the case of girls, this doesn't works that easily (trust me I
almost got a couple of slaps asking for this ^_^) they wouldn't just buy
some pictures of one boy because he has a nice body, (Ok maybe they
will, but so far all of them denied it) they need to be more tasteful,
or the girls wouldn�t want to buy them.

The other point is that she must have lot's of photos of female Ranma,
but almost nothing of the male one. (after all most of the girls who
would want them are the fiancees, and they have their own way to get
them)  

She had taken photos of him when he was doing one of his katas. It

had

been a long and beautiful kata he was wearing his black pants.
He had been so entranced in the flow of the forms that he showed a

part

a kata he was wearing his black pants? ^_^

well the original version had him wearing a muscle shirt too, (or was a
bunny suit?) however some of my prereaders told me that the photos would
go better if he didn't had it.

So go blame them not me :)

The photos had been an inmediate success with the teacher who was
actually really good drawing. She made some very beautiful sketches

immediate (...) teacher, who (...) good at drawing

Damn the stupid spellchecker was telling me that it was immediate and I
still keept it like inmediate.

<snip another bunch of mistakes>

park in the outskirts of Nerima to sell a full set of photos to some
girls of other schools of Tokyo. They seemed to be very interested in
the apparent tough but sensible guy that the photos showed, and many
rumors were starting to spread in some of those schools from the

battle

with the golden pair, the Hiryu Shoten ha incident during a phase

when

he was supposed to be weak, to his battles with demons, monsters,
perverts and some of the best martial artists in Japan. The high

schools

were places were the gossip was practiced from almost everyone, and

the

strange events that happened in Nerima were starting to become one of
the most usual topics, even if most of them were treated like
exaggerations.

By this point, I thought I'd say I think you may be going on for a bit
too *long* describing this photo business. Yes, it is an important bit
of setup, but you're placing more focus on it than is really
interesting
to read, IMO, and you could probably make all the important point even
while going into a bit less detail.

Probably, but the whole photo bushiness is really important (maybe not
right not but some time later ;)

Maybe I'll cut some of this for the revised version (expect that by the
next year :)

If these were standard punks, they'd also include having a bit of
"fun"
with the girl in the deal. ^_^

Yes I know that... still is really cliched that the evil bad punks
always want to do the deed to the poor defenseless girl. Now it's still
daylight and there are more that one girl there, that and lot's of
people in the park.

Second I had read lot's of evil punks who only want to rape girls
lately. (Just in a very peaceful place like Juuban there has been about
5 rape attempts in just two chapters in one of those fics... Hi! Long
working hard?? ^_^& )  

give me that money or my friends and I are going to hurt you. The

same

goes for you too bimbos. Give us all your money." The last thing was
said to the other girls.

Other girls? Wasn't she alone?

Nope what about the girls who where about to buy the photos ?

"I can't believe this. This stuff happens to Ranma or Akane, not me.
These idiots will pay dearly for this." Though Nabiki feeling her

temper

rising. She hadn't felt this humiliated in a long time. Many people

in

"thought", and weren't you using <> for that?

oppss gotcha... I'll fix that thanks :)

a fight. "So the big bad martial artist it's going to teach us a

lesson?

"is going" I presume?

yep... Man you're sharp about those things (Better start checking
carefully the stories before sending them )
 

At that moment Ranma released the fist of the other guy, put a foot

over

a nearby head sized rock and said in a more serious tone. "Do you

bakas

see this stone? Think of  it as your heads if you don't scram now."

Then

What's wrong with "you idiots" or "morons"? I don't see "bakas" adding
anything to the feel, especially since it even adds an english
addition to a japanese word - japanese has no distinction between
singular and plural...

I could swear that that wasn't in this version, I had a similar
discussion with one of my friends about this, and as far as I remember I
changed that to "Morons"

Turning back to the girls Ranma asked in a more concerned tone. "Are

you

all right girls?" Nevertheless, the girls were just staring at him

with

allright, girls
"Nevertheless" doesn't quite feel like the right word here.

hmmm... ok I'll change that.

Taking a look at her feet, he said. "Hmmmm... let me check it out...
well
it doesn't seem  to be too badly twisted. You just need to rest for a
while."

He took a look at her feet. "Hmmm...
*or*
"Hmmm..." he said, taking a look at her feet. "Let me

Ok, ok Mom I'll change that too (aren't you interested in a bushiness
proposition?? ^_^) 

Ranma was feeling rather uneasy, even if he was out of earshot. He

could

Ranma felt rather uneasy
Uneasy? Didn't you just state he'd started to feel comfortable?

I was trying to express that he was feeling more and more uncomfortable
with the stares, I know the feeling in my job I have to wear a suit and
at my age it's strange to be wearing a suit all the time, or at least
most of it.
When the girls start looking at you and making comments between them,
you just start  looking at the ceiling or start counting crack in the
wall. 

I don't know why you have this fondness of placing the action of
speaking
before the speech; it looks quite clumsy most of the time.

Well for me it sounds better if I explain what's happening before I use
the speech, this is the first time that someone comments me about this
I'll try to wach out for these problems, but don't expect me to change
that from one day to other.
  

Oh, and I do think Ranma would be a *wee* bit more wary of actually
*carrying* a girl, when it's "only" a sprained ankle. Sure, if she
was *seriously* injured, but in this case, I think he'd settle for
just
supporting and avoid *major* embarrassedment.

Maybe, but he was in a hurry to leave the place, (the girls where making
him nervous) 
and he was already planning to take her to the water container. (If you
aren't still happy with those, I can always say that for him it's normal
to act like that. He wouldn't just walk her to the place more like start
running. )

He looked little more thoughtful, jumping to a nearby roof before
continuing. "Besides you shouldn't be too mad. After all it's just a
skirt you can buy a new one tomorrow."

besides,
skirt; you

Would Ranma *really* say that? I doubt *he* is accostumed to being
able to "just buy a new one tomorrow".

No he isn't but for him is more important to to have her or anyone safe
that loose a skirt. Besides he still thinks that she always has money to
do it.

And that *REALLY* seemed to be coming out of the blue. Huh? Why
would Ranma say *that*? Sure, he'd ask her why she's so mercenenary,
but would he give up his place of calming down to her with no real
reason, when he was just so desperate to get her to a doctor he
even carried her?

He didn't wanted to take her to the doctor, he already knew that the
sprain wasn't that bad.

I don't this that Ranma's a fool, he lacks of social skills, but he
isn't a fool. All of what he was doing was because of a reason, he
wanted to talk to her (give him a little of a chance, he can try to make
plans sometime, not really complicated ones, but still he can make them
:) 

Nabiki was about to give him a piece of her mind when Ranma went

faster

and she had to grip him even more tightly. <Hmmm. he smells nice>
thought Nabiki as she pressed to him. <But what am I thinking!! This
jerk just called me a mercenary..... but damn, he really smells good>

Only in fiction do people smell *good* when they run around
carrying you. ^_^

hmmm... well, in fact this has repercussions too just give me time ok :)
(last time I explained this theory to someone he created a drug named
Ranchan ;)

<Looks like he's heading for the industrial side of Nerima>
Nabiki was still wondering just where was their destination, when

Ranma

gave a very big jump to a nearby chimney, and then to another, and

from

there to a water container that was one of the highest places of
Nerima.

Nerima.> (...) just where their destination was,

"gave a jump"? huh?

Ok "when he did a big jump" better ??

Looking around Nabiki couldn't help but gasp. The view from there was
great. You could see half of Nerima, and a good part of Tokyo.

Looking

at Ranma in awe, Nabiki asked. "Nice view Saotome. Do you come here
often?"

view, Saotome?

 I don't follow your recommendation here, she wasn't asking, just
stating a fact and trying to sound cool :)

The sun was starting to set at that moment, looking like it was

melting

in the mountains. "Sometimes when I feel like I can't go on, I come

to

this place to see the sunset. It's so beautiful and peaceful here,

that

Sometimes, when

Oh, and if he likes it *THAT* much, I *really* can't see him giving
it up to Nabiki for no real reason - *especially* not to Nabiki, who's
not really known for keeping secrets when there's no profit in it.

Again I'm telling you he was planning something like this,( he planned
most of this in the spurt on the moment) it wasn't just because his
mother told him to be nicer, it was because he wanted to offer her
something in exchange for something. 

He's gambling here one of him most precious possessions, a little place
free of his usual life.

A sweat drop appeared in Ranma's head when he answered. "Well... yes.
You should loosen up a little. There's no need to be so ruthless and
cold. If you were a little nicer to them, you would have more suitors
that you can handle." Then he added in a more joking tone. "I can
even lend you a couple of mine to train with them."

What, Ranma giving love advice? That'd be the day...

Well he has lot's of boy's and girls after him, so he must be doing
something right ^_-

Nodding her head Nabiki spoke. "Yes, you are probably right but I

still

head, Nabiki (though like in the last paragraph, you'd do better
in putting "Nabiki spoke" elsewhere or nowhere)

I think that it was a survivor from my she said, he said, she spoke, he
mentioned age.
I was using that almost in all the speeches before someone told me to
not to. 

have one question." Looking directly into his eyes she asked. "Why

are

you doing all this? I mean bringing me here and talking about all

this.

Why are you trying to be nice all of sudden?"

Yeah, that's just what *I*, the reader, wants to know, 'cause I can't
see no real reason for Ranma to open up like this, even *with* the
help from his mother.

And while we're still on that topic, the same applies just as much to
Nabiki - why would *she* open up, and to Ranma of all poeple?

This may sound a little cynic of my part but, it was because it was
convenient for them.
Ranma wanted, or more like needed a friend and Nabiki is probably one of
the most intelligent girls he knows.

Many of we have made friend with someone, because it was convenient for
us to be near them, or just to get something from them, (call it
company, understanding, money, information etc.) you usually give
something in return, but a friendship doesn't just start nothing, you
usually have to get to know him/her better to make that friendship a
true one.

This doesn't means that we only make friends for our selfish interests,
but there has to be something to interest you in that person, to make
you want to become his/her friend.

Sometime you have to show them something about you that not many people
see to get him interested in you, after all just wanting to make a
friend isn't enough, he/she has to be willing to become one too.

Good enough ?? 

He's betting a lot of things, but if he gets her friendship, he gets a
powerful ally, she might not help him always, but at least she won't be
after his hide too much.
besides he's lonely and he feels that she's lonely too. 

For her, well I think that she's lonely too and getting Ranma to help
her in some things it's always a good idea (better to have a complaining
partner, that a willing pawn)

Now don't think that this friendship is going to be easy, they are going
to be willing to withstand some things from the other, but that doesn't
means that they aren't going to fight, or dislike things from each
other.

They are really different, and that's why they have a good chance to
become good friends (some of my best friends are really different to me,
and it's always good to see a completely different point of view to my
own.)  

Right. Even with that, I still think he's a bit *too* open - perhaps
if the "motivation" was *really* great, I could see this happen, but
I wouldn't quite say such is the case.

Well the motivations exist, maybe I just need to add them, still I feel
like I would be spilling all the beans too soon if I did.
  

Nabiki was surprised when Ranma had confessed that he had some

ulterior

motives to take her there. She felt her anger rising, but she only

had

to look at his eyes to see that he wasn't trying to get in her good
side. Ranma was too honest for his own good.

Huh? Ulterior motive? Didn't sound like more than wanting to help
Nabiki, even if only because his mother told him it is the manly thing
to do...

Yes, but she isn't expecting the kind of motive that he has, she would
expect him to want money, or some favors from her, after all that's what
most people want from her.

her answered. Nabiki knew that even when he was the center of all the
chaos that happened around him, he didn't really had a friend to talk
and really open up. The closest thing that he had to a friend was

Ukyo

one of his fiancees. She remembered one thing that she once heard.

Ukyo, one
Yeah, *this* you got right; Ukyou sure as hell isn't a friend Ranma
talks out with! Why, the little... uhm ... ur, I'll shut up now,
before the "Ukyou-is-Ranma's-best-friend"-squads come after me. ^_^

hmmm... so that one is right... better change it, if this keeps like
that they might end acting IC ^_-

"There isn't a lonelier person than one that is always around people

and

yet they are still lonely."

That qoute doesn't sound quite right, but I'm not sure which is the
best way to reorder/chop it.

Me neither, if someone knows please contact me.
 

After a few more minutes of running, they came to the garden of the
Tendo dojo. Ranma let go of Nabiki just in time to hear a very angry
Akane. "What were you doing with my sister you pervert?"

sister, you

Ranma seemed like a deer caught in headlights of a truck and before

he

even could form a comprensible answer a smiling Nabiki spoke up.

"Thanks

Ranma, I had a lovely time. We have to do that sometime soon. "

<Payback

time Saotome>

time, Saotome.>

"What Ranma and Mercenary girl doing all day?" Said a purple haired
beauty from the new hole... err door in the wall.

"Ranma-honey you'd better have a good excuse for this." A voice with

a

Kansai accent from a brown haired spatula wielding beauty continued.

"RANMAAA!!! How can you dare to cheat Akane like this!! Prepare to
DIEEE!!" A fanged warrior yelled.

"HOHOHOHO, Ranma-Sama forget all about those commoners and come with
me." This came from a dark haired gymnast.

"Ranma my boy, it's not nice to sneak off with the sister of your
fiancee, but don't worry. Just wear this bra for me and I will

forgive

you." Said a little old man

"SAOTOME, you cur! Don't tell me that you plan to slave the fair

Nabiki

Tendo with your black arts too." Said a boy with a bokken.

"GROUF" Said the panda.

"Saotome, for your crimes against my lovely Shampoo you will die."

Said

one longhaired boy as he attacked with chains.

Um. It seems like a bit *too* much of a coincidence for them *ALL* to
be there... Isn't just Akane alone enough? And I think the fathers
(and Kasumi) might like to get a word in, though they might not be
quite as critical. (one daughter or another, what's the diffence? ^_^)

Well this is the Ranmaverse an if something bad is going to happen it
only can get worse.

The chaos ensued with a confused looking Ranma in the middle of it.

"But

I'm telling you guys it's not what it looks like." Just like always
nobody paid attention to him.

guys, it's (...) like..." (...) always, nobody

End of prologue.

Well, most of this sounded negative; I hope I didn't upset you.
(if nothing else, I wouldn't have taken the considerable time to
comment
thouroughly if I thought it stunk)

Well thanks for the...hmmm... help, yes help it was nice to get so many
comments about how bad is my grammar, punctuation, and spelling at all
:)

I was the one that asked for C&C this will help me greatly with the
story I'm going to fix all the mistakes you pointed out, and try to pay
attention to the comments. 

It's not really bad as such - I can't even *say* anything about that
yet
since this is just a prologue, and may quite possibly lead up to an
interesting story.

If only you knew :)

However, I must say that even with the reasons given, it feels like
Ranma and Nabiki open up a bit *too* much to each other. You could
either tone it down - they can be a whole lot less open about it and
still decide to be "friends" - or show more/increased reasons *why*.

But they haven't still open up to each other that much, things aren't
going to be easy, they are going to try to make an effort to become
better friends.

A good friendship is never easy, after all for someone to know you
really well and still like you he has to be a little crazy as you :)

---
Ronny Hedin, thark@hem2.passagen.se, http://nabiki.newberry.edu/thark/
                    "Momomoto, famous japanese, can swallow his nose."

Tony

PD: I'll try to send the first chapter by tomorrow or tonight if I
finish revising it.