It was a sunny day in Nerima, but not very warm. The winter was coming
soon and the icy winds were already making the weather cold. Everybody
in Nerima knew that it would snow any day now. Many people were already
wearing their thickest winter clothing.

Try to use more *active* descriptions. Perhaps something more like
"The sun shone down on Nerima, but did not manage to heat the city
all that much, the icy winds of an approaching winter making the
weather cold," etc etc etc. I can't say *yet*, having only read the
first paragraph so far, but I suspect this problem is consistent
through much of the fic. Really, it's not *that* hard to do something
about if you really think about it, and makes the prose feel *much*
smoother.

Nobody knew this better than a certain pigtailed martial artist. He may
have been flying over Nerima at the moment, this amazing sight wasn't
anything unusual for the residents of Nerima. They where already used to
all the crazy things that the local martial artists liked to do, and
sending people soaring over the place seemed to be one of their
favorites
hobbies.

He might (...) but this

"BRRR... cold, maybe I should wear my long sleeved shirt," thought the
afore mentioned  martial artist. "What's the problem with that girl?
Every time that I try to be nice to her, she only gets  mad and either
smacks me with her hammer, or pounds me with that gorilla like strength
of hers." This particular thought was stopped when he had to get ready
for the landing. After all, it was already too cold, and getting himself
wet wasn't really a good idea right now.

Oh, Ranma is flying over Nerima after angering Akane, and starts
thinking about his relation to her... a bit of a cliche opening, isn't
it? I'm still reading, hoping that what follows will make it worth it,
but some might not. This is really an all *too* convenient way to start,
and also IMO a very *non-saying* one.

This is especially true since here it doesn't seem to *go* anywhere; it
just stops and changes scene totally before the poor boy even manages
to come to any conclusion, and if you just want to set Ranma up for
being out of the house later on, well, you don't really need to *show*
him flying through the air for that, do you? I doubt he stays indoor
all time except when punted out by Akane, anyway.

Ranma saw that he was going to land in a very conveniently placed puddle
in the street. <Sometimes I really think that somebody really likes to
make my life miserable> Twisting his body in midair in a way that seemed

miserable.

impossible, (And probably was illegal in some countries) he managed to

impossible (and

land away of the puddle. Unfortunately, the added momentum of this

away from, though I think using something other than "away" may sound
better.

maneuvering, made him crash with a near wall. And going through the wall
of one of the squash camps, he fell in a park. "OUCH.... that really
hurt... maybe I'll just lie here for a while."

Beginning the sentence with "and" there looks *real* ugly.

Akane was fuming outside of Furinkan high school, her left hand was
still raised after the uppercut that sent Ranma flying over Nerima.
"That... BAKA, Why  I put up with that jerk?" Thought Akane out loud. 

her left hand still raised

jerk?" thought

"C'mon Akane, don't you think that you were a little harsh with him?" A
brown haired girl next to her spoke. 

C'mon, Akane (...) ?" a

"Yes Akane, Sayuri's right. Why did you hit him this time?" Added Yuka,
her other friend. 

?" a

OK, I won't comment on this any more times, you'll have to go over it
yourself to find the remaining instances: After a "speech-quote" like
that, unless you're beginning a "new" sentence, *don't* use a new
capital letter. Also, if the speech ends with a period, change it to
a comma. ie
"Hello," said Ranma.
"Hey!" exclaimed Ranma.
"What?" asked Ranma.
*but*
"Scary." Ranma ran.
oh, and the same thing goes for quoted thinking in <>, too.

Akane glared at her friend. "Why? Didn't you see  that he was making fun
of my cooking?"

see that

Both girls looked each other with big sweat drops. Everybody in Furinkan
knew that Akane's cooking was very toxic. "But... Akane, he tried the...
cake you made in economic class. Right Yuka?" 

Change "both" to "the".

"Cake !?! That wasn't cake. It was an okonomiyaki Sayuri, not a cake."

cake, it

Heh. I had a bit of a laugh at this.

"Well Akane, I don't know if turning blue and making choking sounds
counts as making fun you know."
Commented Yuka.

pfffh :D
know," commented
(and that *really* is the last time I'll point it out)

"You too? I can't believe that you are on his side too!" With that,
Akane turned away from her friends and went muttering angrily to her
house.

Oh, and just in case, I'll add that this is the type of case where
you really *are* supposed to have a capital letter. Ie, nothing wrong. ^_^

Yuka rolled her eyes and commented, "She's really mad this time. Poor
Ranma, sometimes I feel pity for him."

just "sometimes i pity him" sounds better IMO.

Smiling sourly, Sayuri answered. "Yes, sometimes I just don't understand
Akane. Ranma is one of the cutest guys in Nerima, he's a great martial
artist, he's got a great body, and can be really sweet sometimes."

Sourly? That doesn't really make sense to me.

Yuka smiled and said in a teasing tone. "Hey, get a grip girl. Stop

tone,

drooling. Besides, Ranma is one of the biggest chauvinistic jerks that
I've ever seen. But he's just too damn sexy sometimes, and lately he's
been trying to be nicer... maybe that's why Akane is so mad at him." 

seen, but

Why would her *friends* think Akane would react to him being nice
with anger?

Ranma was  tired. Worse, he was depressed. He had been in the park
thinking for some time. This alone would have surprised many people that
knew him, after all he was famous for getting in a lot of trouble by
doing things without putting too much thought on them. 

If Akane's punted him through the air innumerable times before, why
would he give it special thought now?

He had been thinking about a lot of things laying in the park. All the
misunderstandings, the fiancees, his enemies, his mother and all the
troubles that had been plaguing his life lately. The outcome of all
those reflections were bad for his self-image.

I *think* "laying" is wrong, but I'm not 100% sure of the correct form.

Most of all those troubles were his own fault, albeit indirectly. He
had been letting the things happen to him without really taking
responsibility for them; he had not been trying to fix the situations,
hoping that they would resolve themselves alone. however, just like a
snowball rolling down the hill they had been growing and becoming more
complex and difficult with the time.

Ack, don't say he's now also going to try get a grip for no new
reasons?

He admitted that he enjoyed some of the attention he received and all
the training from all those fights had made him one of the best martial
artists of Japan, but now they were becoming too much even for him. He
couldn't just shrug of his shoulders and let the things go on like that
anymore.

He was so wrapped up in his thoughts that he didn't feel the time
passing until he noticed it was becoming late. <I can't believe that I
just spent all the day in the park > At that moment he saw a unusual

park.>

sight for Nerima. A group of four punks were hassling a group of
girls. As he was getting closer to the place, he saw a  familiar face
amongst the girls.

a familiar

Nabiki Tendo was having a very bad day. Usually this simply meant that
her profits for the day were under the 10,000 Yen mark, but today it was
due something completely different. The day had started as she liked.
That is to say, very profitable. She had sold many pictures of Ranma,
but the funny thing was that lately she had been selling more pictures
of his male form that his female one.

liked, that

She liked to think that it was because most of the boys already knew
how Ranma's female form looked like, but she had to admit that since
Ranma got back with her mother he had changed. Yes he still was a self

Yes, he

centered jerk, and he still talked too much, but now when he made a
mistake or he put his foot in his mouth he apologized, or at least tried
to mutter something close to one. However, most of his recent popularity

close to an apology.
("one" doesn't refer to anything, since you've only said "apologized"
as a verb)

with the girls was Nabiki's fault, and deep down she knew it was her own
doing, to think that it started rather innocently of her part. 

doing - to (...) part!

All happened when one of the new teachers started teaching drawing
classes. She needed some models to teach the students how to draw
bodies. Getting photos of female bodies was rather easy. Nabiki had a
lot of photos of Ranma-chan with little or almost nothing by of clothes,
However, when she was asked about some photos of Ranma's male body, she
got in a little more troubles, they weren't that easy to take. 

It all
easy; Nabiki
nothing in the way of clothes
troubles - they
(though I can't see why semi-nude *male* Ranma would be any harder
to take; she just haven't had much reason)

Not many girls bought photos of Ranma. Usually they were just for the
fiancees, so she had to take some more tasteful photos of him. After all
the photos initially were to  be used as models of bodies in movement.

all, the the photos were initially to be

She had taken photos of him when he was doing one of his katas. It had
been a long and beautiful kata he was wearing his black pants.
He had been so entranced in the flow of the forms that he showed a part

a kata he was wearing his black pants? ^_^

Try "kata. He (...) pants, and had

of him that rarely was seen;  he was a more relaxed Ranma whitout his

seen; he (...) Ranma, without

usual condescending smile or his macho facade, just him inmersed in the
movements of the kata something that he really enjoyed, and it really
showed. 

immersed (...) kata; something
you have really - really a bit close here.

The photos had been an inmediate success with the teacher who was
actually really good drawing. She made some very beautiful sketches

immediate (...) teacher, who (...) good at drawing

of the pictures. Nabiki was surprised when some of the girls in the

pictures, and it surprised Nabiki

class started asking her for copies of the photos for themselves. All
could have ended there but a couple of weeks later, the teacher had

there, but

Then Nabiki found herself taking photos of the different moods of
Ranma, from rage to happiness, from sarcasm to confusion, from
gentleness to rude. It had been really hard to get them, but the most
prominent picture was one of  Ranma sitting with his legs crossed in the

of Ranma

That picture in particular had been one of the best that Nabiki had ever
taken, but even she was surprised with the sales of that particular

best Nabiki

been growing, even if they were treated like a secret. Many of the girls
still resented the popularity of Akane, and  they would have loved to

and they

get Ranma for themselves, however everybody knew about Akane's short

themselves; however, everybody

temper and destructive capabilities not to mention those of the other

capabilities, not

suitor's of Ranma, so they preferred to keep the activities more

those of Ranma's other suitors

Yes it had been a nice and profitable day for Nabiki. She went out to a

Yes, it

park in the outskirts of Nerima to sell a full set of photos to some
girls of other schools of Tokyo. They seemed to be very interested in
the apparent tough but sensible guy that the photos showed, and many
rumors were starting to spread in some of those schools from the battle
with the golden pair, the Hiryu Shoten ha incident during a phase when
he was supposed to be weak, to his battles with demons, monsters,
perverts and some of the best martial artists in Japan. The high schools
were places were the gossip was practiced from almost everyone, and the
strange events that happened in Nerima were starting to become one of
the most usual topics, even if most of them were treated like
exaggerations. 

By this point, I thought I'd say I think you may be going on for a bit
too *long* describing this photo business. Yes, it is an important bit
of setup, but you're placing more focus on it than is really interesting
to read, IMO, and you could probably make all the important point even
while going into a bit less detail.

She had been just dealing with the aforementioned girls when a group of
punks that seemed to be out of place in that part of the city approached
them. "Hey babe, you seem to be dealing with a lot of money there" said
a tall, gaunt looking guy. 

Hey, babe (...) there,"

Smiling evilly, one of his companions spoke. "Yes and you don't seem to

Yes, and

really, need it that much, so why don't give it to us and we will not

really need

have to hurt that pretty face of yours." 

If these were standard punks, they'd also include having a bit of "fun"
with the girl in the deal. ^_^

Looking at them coldly, Nabiki answered. "You guys seem to be a little
out of place here, so why don't you get out of here before you truly get
hurt. This is Nerima were some of the best fighters of Japan live and
they don't really like geeks like you guys."

Nerima, were (...) live, and

A very fat and massive one laughed and said. "Martial artists? Don't
make me laugh bitch. I've fought some of those so-called martial artists
and they're nothing more that just a couple of fancy kicks and punches,
but when it comes to a real fight they are just a bunch weaklings. Now

punches; when

give me that money or my friends and I are going to hurt you. The same
goes for you too bimbos. Give us all your money." The last thing was
said to the other girls. 

Other girls? Wasn't she alone?

The tall punk turned and spoke to the shortest member of the gang.  "Hey
Shiro get the  money from them now will' ya. I don't know too much this

Hey, Shiro, get (...) now, will ya

part of the city and I don't want to have troubles with the police
here." The short one then approached to the girls and tried to get

here." <P> The short one approached

Nabiki's bag but since she resisted. The punk pushed her roughly to
get her bag, and Nabiki fell to a nearby puddle were she slipped in the
mud, twisting her ankle and dirtying her clothes in the process. 

but she resisted, and the punk had to push (...) bag, causing Nabiki to
fall into

"I can't believe this. This stuff happens to Ranma or Akane, not me.
These idiots will pay dearly for this." Though Nabiki feeling her temper
rising. She hadn't felt this humiliated in a long time. Many people in

"thought", and weren't you using <> for that?

Nerima knew that if you mess with one of the martial artist you would
get
a one way ticket to the hospital, but if you mess with Nabiki Tendo you
get your life messed up for a long, long time.

artists, you get a

"Hehehe.. the broad seems to have gotten what she deserves." Said the
fat one almost laughing at her. "Now stop fooling around and give us the
money." The girls cowered at the sight of the big guy approaching them.

one, almost

The smirk on Ranma's face became then a full smile. "Look guys, I'm not
in the mood for this today, so get lost while you still can." And to
accentuate this he cracked his knuckles. 

can." To accentuate this, he

The big one then stepped forward smiling he seemed to be aching for

forward, smiling; he

a fight. "So the big bad martial artist it's going to teach us a lesson?

"is going" I presume?

Well teach me this!" and he threw a punch at Ranma. He was really

this!" he said and
or just
this!" He threw

surprised  when the pigtailed guy caught the punch like as if it were

surprised when

nothing, and with a twist of his wrist, forced the punk to the ground.
The punks were surprised to see their leader being subdued that easily.
He was supposed to be one of the strongest guys it their own territory,
still the pigtailed guy seemed to be a lot stronger. 

territory, yet still

At that moment Ranma released the fist of the other guy, put a foot over
a nearby head sized rock and said in a more serious tone. "Do you bakas
see this stone? Think of  it as your heads if you don't scram now." Then

What's wrong with "you idiots" or "morons"? I don't see "bakas" adding
anything to the feel, especially since it even adds an english
addition to a japanese word - japanese has no distinction between
singular and plural...

he shattered the stone with seeming ease. Everybody except Nabiki were
shocked too see that display of power. The punks decided that they liked
their heads too much as they were, and wisely started running away.

The punks, deciding that (...) were, wisely started

Turning back to the girls Ranma asked in a more concerned tone. "Are you
all right girls?" Nevertheless, the girls were just staring at him with

allright, girls
"Nevertheless" doesn't quite feel like the right word here.

Giving him a glare that seemed more  fitting for Akane than her she
said. "Not a single word of this Saotome or you are going to regret it." 

She gave him a glare that seemed more fitting for Akane. "Not a
single word of this, Saotome, or

Putting  his hands in a  in front of him in a defensive posture he
answered. "Woah !! Easy Nabiki, don't get too worked up. Here let me
help you stand up." 

up," he answered, putting his hands in front of

Taking a look at her feet, he said. "Hmmmm... let me check it out...
well
it doesn't seem  to be too badly twisted. You just need to rest for a
while."

He took a look at her feet. "Hmmm...
*or*
"Hmmm..." he said, taking a look at her feet. "Let me

"And since when do you know so much about medicine?" Asked Nabiki not
trusting in him that much.

Nabiki, not trusting him

Looking at her with a more thoughtful look, he answered. "Well when you
get hurt so often as I do you learn a couple of things about this kind

Well, when

of stuff." Looking back at the girls, he noted that they were still
ogling at him and they looked even more love struck. He decided that it
was time to get going. "Well Nabiki, if you are done here I can
help you to get back to the dojo." 

Well, Nabiki (...) help you get

Seeing that Ranma was getting rather uncomfortable whit the looks that

with

the girls were giving at him, she composed herself and said. "Ok just

OK, just

let me fix a couple things and we can go back." Getting the hint, Ranma
walked away from them. After he had moved away from them, Nabiki told to
the girls in the group. "Ok girls I don't want a single word of this to

OK, girls, I

get out, okay. If you want to do, more deals later you know were to find
me." 

do more deals later, you

Ranma was feeling rather uneasy, even if he was out of earshot. He could

Ranma felt rather uneasy
Uneasy? Didn't you just state he'd started to feel comfortable?

still see the expressions of the girls while they were talking with
Nabiki. He really was surprised, Nabiki was in her all business mode
completely forgetting about the ankle. Even though he knew that it was

It really surprised him; Nabiki (...) mode, completely

nothing serious, it must hurt a lot.

it must have hurt

After a couple of minutes, the girls seemed to finish talking. Nabiki
sent an. <Ok you can come back now> look to Ranma. Nabiki smiled. He

an "OK, you can come back now"-look

smiled; he

seemed to be a little intimidated by the girls. For someone who had a
lot of admirers Ranma could be very shy around large groups of girls.

admirers, Ranma

Ranma approached the group of girls and then turning to look at Nabiki,
he made motions to carry her in his arms. "What are you doing Saotome?"
Said Nabiki glaring at him. 

girls, and then turned to look at Nabiki, making motions to carry
her in her arms.

The girls started to whisper amongst themselves after hearing this.
Ranma felt his cheeks reddening as he heard some of the comments that
the girls were making. To make the things worse Nabiki seemed to be in a

worse, Nabiki

very bad mood at the moment. So, opting for a quick exit, he scooped
Nabiki into his arms, and muttering a good-bye to the girls, he jumped
to the roof of the nearest building.

and, muttering

When they were a few blocks away from the park Ranma asked to Nabiki.
"Do you want to go at Doctor Tofu's clinic to get your ankle checked?" 

checked?" Ranma asked Nabiki when they were a few blocks away from the
park.

I don't know why you have this fondness of placing the action of speaking
before the speech; it looks quite clumsy most of the time.

Oh, and I do think Ranma would be a *wee* bit more wary of actually
*carrying* a girl, when it's "only" a sprained ankle. Sure, if she
was *seriously* injured, but in this case, I think he'd settle for just
supporting and avoid *major* embarrassedment.

Looking at him a little more calmly, Nabiki answered. "No, I just want
to go back and change my clothes. I can't believe this. I just bought
this skirt. Why didn't you beat those punks Ranma?" She added in a low
tone. 

clothes," Nabiki answered, looking (...) calmly. "I can't

Looking at her with his cocky smile said. "Those guy's didn't even know
how to fight properly. Why should I try to beat them when just scaring
them would do the job?" 

He looked at her with his cocky smile. "Those

He looked little more thoughtful, jumping to a nearby roof before
continuing. "Besides you shouldn't be too mad. After all it's just a
skirt you can buy a new one tomorrow." 

besides,
skirt; you

Would Ranma *really* say that? I doubt *he* is accostumed to being
able to "just buy a new one tomorrow".

Sounding mad again, Nabiki told him. "Humph... typical of you to think
that it's that easy to get the money." Looking directly at his face
Nabiki noted that Ranma seemed to be thinking for a second, and then
looking apologetic.

Argh. *again*

face, Nabiki

He told her. "Ok, let's make a deal. I will take you to the place where
I go to calm down when I'm really mad, and you will tell me why are you
so mercenary."

"OK, let's make a deal," he told her. "I

And that *REALLY* seemed to be coming out of the blue. Huh? Why
would Ranma say *that*? Sure, he'd ask her why she's so mercenenary,
but would he give up his place of calming down to her with no real
reason, when he was just so desperate to get her to a doctor he
even carried her?

Nabiki was about to give him a piece of her mind when Ranma went faster
and she had to grip him even more tightly. <Hmmm. he smells nice>
thought Nabiki as she pressed to him. <But what am I thinking!! This
jerk just called me a mercenary..... but damn, he really smells good>

Only in fiction do people smell *good* when they run around
carrying you. ^_^

(good thing this *is* fiction ^_^)

He sure wasn't taking the direct route to the dojo. In fact, he seemed
to be heading away from the usual places that he liked to visit.

the places he usually liked to visit

I need is a horde of crazy martial artists after
me>                                       

after me.>

<Looks like he's heading for the industrial side of Nerima>
Nabiki was still wondering just where was their destination, when Ranma
gave a very big jump to a nearby chimney, and then to another, and from
there to a water container that was one of the highest places of
Nerima.  

Nerima.> (...) just where their destination was,

"gave a jump"? huh?

Looking around Nabiki couldn't help but gasp. The view from there was
great. You could see half of Nerima, and a good part of Tokyo. Looking
at Ranma in awe, Nabiki asked. "Nice view Saotome. Do you come here
often?"

view, Saotome?

Nabiki noticed that Ranma's face saddened for a second, before he
answered with his usual confident smile. "Nope, I just come here when I
feel that I'm about to explode." And then pointing at the sun he
continued. "Just wait a few seconds."

Then, pointing at the sun, he continued.

The sun was starting to set at that moment, looking like it was melting
in the mountains. "Sometimes when I feel like I can't go on, I come to
this place to see the sunset. It's so beautiful and peaceful here, that

Sometimes, when

Oh, and if he likes it *THAT* much, I *really* can't see him giving
it up to Nabiki for no real reason - *especially* not to Nabiki, who's
not really known for keeping secrets when there's no profit in it.

After a few minutes of staring at the view Ranma continued. "Some time
ago an old lady told me that the best things of the life are free." 

Looking a little more cold and using a sarcastic tone Nabiki answered.
"Yes, but unfortunately even a beautiful view like this, isn't going to
pay the bill's or give you some food you know."

unfortunately, even (...) this isn't (...) food, you

Nabiki was really surprised at Ranma. She was very good at reading

Ranma had really surprised Nabiki.

people and he seemed to be much more thoughtful. She saw other emotions
pass across his face at that moment. Emotions he usually displayed in

moment, emotions

other situations. She could see anger, shame, sadness, depression and
some other emotions, in his eyes. 

emotions in

One of the most prominent features of Ranma were his eyes. They
displayed his emotions very well. You could easily tell what mood he was
in just by looking at his eyes. Nabiki couldn't help but remember one
thing that one of the girls said in their drawing class. "Whoever said
that the eyes are the window of the soul must had someone like Ranma in
mind. Just looking at those blue-grey pools of emotion is enough to make
your knees go weak." 

must have had

Lowering his face Ranma answered with calm and somewhat distant voice.
"Yes Nabiki, I know that it must be hard  for you to pay all those bills
to keep the dojo afloat." 

Yes, Nabiki,

Something was nagging Nabiki. When Ranma first came to live at the dojo
he didn't like her to take photos of him/her to sell, but after a 
little time he stopped complaining and seemed like he didn't care about

complaining, and

them. Now she understood that Ranma had tried to help her in his own
clumsy and prideful way. He just withstood the trouble that the photos
caused whitout complaint.

without
    

Nabiki couldn't help but laugh at this. "What? Why are you laughing at
me?" Asked  Ranma in a defensive tone.

asked Ranma

"Sorry Ranma, but this is so much fun. The great Ranma Saotome is
envious of somebody else." Answered Nabiki, and then added in a quieter
voice. "Besides sometimes I couldn't help but get a little jealous."

Sorry, Ranma,

Nabiki had a cold expression her face as she continued. "Why? C'mon
Ranma, you are always the center of the attention. You have too many

C'mon, Ranma

people after you, both male and female. Even Akane, who seems to hate
boys has lot's of them begging for a chance to go out with her." Then in

female; even

a more bitter voice she asked him. "Do you have any idea when the last
time was that one guy invited me to a date just to be with me? Not to

the last time was a guy

Ranma started fiddling with his pigtail and spoke nervously. "Well you
see, many of the guys at school want to invite you out, but they are

well, you

afraid. You see, Akane is... well, sort of cute. She's like a challenge
to many of them... but you're different. You are cold and beautiful,
just like a diamond... besides you are one of the most intelligent
people in Nerima. Many of the guys just don't know what to say to a girl
like you...  well you know you have class, and you can make life a
living hell of  for them if they do something stupid and anger you."

well, you (...) hell for them

A sweat drop appeared in Ranma's head when he answered. "Well... yes.
You should loosen up a little. There's no need to be so ruthless and
cold. If you were a little nicer to them, you would have more suitors
that you can handle." Then he added in a more joking tone. "I can
even lend you a couple of mine to train with them."      

What, Ranma giving love advice? That'd be the day...

"Well yes, but you also are the most popular guy in the school." and

Well, yes

Ranma's expression changed from a surprised one to a frown. Nabiki felt
like laughing at this. He looked too funny. <I should had brought my
camera> "Besides." Nabiki continued. "I need someone who can see things

>from another perspective and it has to be a trusted person. I don't want

perspective, and

After the sunset, Ranma got up and said. "Let's go Nabiki it's getting

go, Nabiki, it's

late and cold. If we don't hurry back, they're going to start worrying
about us." He then offered her his hand to help her stand up.

He offered

Nodding her head Nabiki spoke. "Yes, you are probably right but I still

head, Nabiki (though like in the last paragraph, you'd do better
in putting "Nabiki spoke" elsewhere or nowhere)

right, but

have one question." Looking directly into his eyes she asked. "Why are
you doing all this? I mean bringing me here and talking about all this.
Why are you trying to be nice all of sudden?"

Yeah, that's just what *I*, the reader, wants to know, 'cause I can't
see no real reason for Ranma to open up like this, even *with* the
help from his mother.

And while we're still on that topic, the same applies just as much to
Nabiki - why would *she* open up, and to Ranma of all poeple?

Ranma felt a lot of pressure looking at Nabiki. He knew that she wasn't
believing a single word of what he was saying. He seemed to deflate and
then he sighed before continuing. "Well you see it was just that you

Well, you see, it

seemed mad and out of your normal cool exterior, about to explode, I
felt like helping you. When I'm about to explode, I come here...
besides,
I wanted to talk with you. After all, you are the most intelligent girl
I know."

Right. Even with that, I still think he's a bit *too* open - perhaps
if the "motivation" was *really* great, I could see this happen, but
I wouldn't quite say such is the case.

Nabiki's eyes grew cold for a second but they seemed to be friendlier
as she answered. "Flattering me will take you to nowhere Saotome and
besides, if you want my advice you know that it has some price." 

nowhere, Saotome, and (...) advice, you (...) has a price

Nabiki was surprised when Ranma had confessed that he had some ulterior
motives to take her there. She felt her anger rising, but she only had
to look at his eyes to see that he wasn't trying to get in her good
side. Ranma was too honest for his own good. 

Huh? Ulterior motive? Didn't sound like more than wanting to help
Nabiki, even if only because his mother told him it is the manly thing
to do...

No he wasn't asking something from her. She could see that in his eyes

No, he
She could see in his eyes

that he seemed to be offering something instead, and she had a very good
idea of what it was. She just needed to see the reaction to what she
said to know the truth. When she saw the disappointed look of his eyes
at her answer, she knew that he was in his own clumsy way, offering her
his friendship.

was, in

<But why?> Nabiki thought. He has a lot of people who would gladly do
anything for him. <And yet he's lonely, just like you> another part of

A lot of people would gladly do anything for him.
you,>

her answered. Nabiki knew that even when he was the center of all the
chaos that happened around him, he didn't really had a friend to talk
and really open up. The closest thing that he had to a friend was Ukyo
one of his fiancees. She remembered one thing that she once heard.

Ukyo, one
Yeah, *this* you got right; Ukyou sure as hell isn't a friend Ranma
talks out with! Why, the little... uhm ... ur, I'll shut up now,
before the "Ukyou-is-Ranma's-best-friend"-squads come after me. ^_^

"There isn't a lonelier person than one that is always around people and
yet they are still lonely."

That qoute doesn't sound quite right, but I'm not sure which is the
best way to reorder/chop it.

While she was thinking all this, she could see Ranma's expression. First
disappointed, then sad, and then confusion when he saw that she was
still smiling at him. Yet, he just did what he usually did in those
situations. Reaching down at his wallet, he said. "Ok, Nabiki how much?"

He reached down for his wallet. "OK, Nabiki, how

Nabiki's smile just broadened.  "I just want a friendship too." Ranma

friendship, too."

seemed to be in shock from the surprise. Even then Nabiki continued
thinking about the reasons of his offer. <And why me? We're too
different. He's just interested in all his martial arts and I... well,
I'm the only almost normal person in the family>  Then another part of

family.>

"Yeah, sure Ranma. You aren't afraid of anything." Smirking she
continued "Look Ranma you need sometime alone to think about this, and

Look, Ranma, you

Smiling in his usual way he said in a playful tone. "Ok boss, lets go
back to the dojo or we are going to
get chewed out by the others." And then as he scooped her in his arms he
told her. "By the way are you afraid of heights or high speeds?"

OK, Boss, let's
others?"
then, as he
arms, he
way, are

"Not really Ranma why?"

really, Ranma, why?

"Because this is going to be a fast ride." Then he jumped from the tower
to the nearest roof, that was several yards away from him.

ride." He jumped (...) roof, several yards awawy.

sheer will alone that she hadn't yelled. <You will pay for this Saotome>
She thought. But then she saw an expression of pure bliss on his face.
He really seemed to enjoy the speed and the freedom of their race across
the roofs of Nerima.

Saotome,> she thought, but (...) face - he really (...) Nerima!

feel more alive that she ever remembered. <No wonder why he likes to do
this so much > 

much...>

After a few more minutes of running, they came to the garden of the
Tendo dojo. Ranma let go of Nabiki just in time to hear a very angry
Akane. "What were you doing with my sister you pervert?"

sister, you

Ranma seemed like a deer caught in headlights of a truck and before he
even could form a comprensible answer a smiling Nabiki spoke up. "Thanks
Ranma, I had a lovely time. We have to do that sometime soon. " <Payback
time Saotome>

time, Saotome.>

"What Ranma and Mercenary girl doing all day?" Said a purple haired
beauty from the new hole... err door in the wall.

"Ranma-honey you'd better have a good excuse for this." A voice with a
Kansai accent from a brown haired spatula wielding beauty continued.

"RANMAAA!!! How can you dare to cheat Akane like this!! Prepare to
DIEEE!!" A fanged warrior yelled.

"HOHOHOHO, Ranma-Sama forget all about those commoners and come with
me." This came from a dark haired gymnast.    

"Ranma my boy, it's not nice to sneak off with the sister of your
fiancee, but don't worry. Just wear this bra for me and I will forgive
you." Said a little old man

"SAOTOME, you cur! Don't tell me that you plan to slave the fair Nabiki
Tendo with your black arts too." Said a boy with a bokken.

"GROUF" Said the panda.

"Saotome, for your crimes against my lovely Shampoo you will die." Said
one longhaired boy as he attacked with chains. 

Um. It seems like a bit *too* much of a coincidence for them *ALL* to
be there... Isn't just Akane alone enough? And I think the fathers
(and Kasumi) might like to get a word in, though they might not be
quite as critical. (one daughter or another, what's the diffence? ^_^)

The chaos ensued with a confused looking Ranma in the middle of it. "But
I'm telling you guys it's not what it looks like." Just like always
nobody paid attention to him.

guys, it's (...) like..." (...) always, nobody

End of prologue. 

Well, most of this sounded negative; I hope I didn't upset you.
(if nothing else, I wouldn't have taken the considerable time to comment
thouroughly if I thought it stunk)

It's not really bad as such - I can't even *say* anything about that yet
since this is just a prologue, and may quite possibly lead up to an
interesting story.

However, I must say that even with the reasons given, it feels like
Ranma and Nabiki open up a bit *too* much to each other. You could
either tone it down - they can be a whole lot less open about it and
still decide to be "friends" - or show more/increased reasons *why*.

---
Ronny Hedin, thark@hem2.passagen.se, http://nabiki.newberry.edu/thark/
                    "Momomoto, famous japanese, can swallow his nose."