Subject: [FFML] "Oh, Brother!" Episode Six.
From: Andrew
Date: 1/10/1999, 4:25 PM
To: Anime Fanfiction Mailing List

Ranma 1/2 created by Rumiko Tashashi,  1993. Used without permission.
This is the final draft (hopefully). Comments, criticisms, "mstings", etc. are
very much appreciated. I hope you enjoy this 'fic as much as I had writing it.
<...> indicates thought. {...} indicates Chinese dialogue. [...] indicates words
read on a sign.
******
Episode six: "Escape from the Planet of the Pandas."
<...> indicates thought...{...} indicates Chinese... [...] indicates words
written on a sign.
(The scene opens with Nabiki and Kuno laying on a futon and looking at items in
a Sak's Fifth Avenue catalog.)
Kuno: How about that? (He points to an item.) It's a genuine imitation leather
bean bag.
Nabiki: Why would Sak's have that? Ah...the authentic 24K gold embroiling. It's
only 578 yen.
Kuno: Hmm...perhaps there is something to that, for---(Smack! Nabiki slaps him
again.)
Nabiki: Please, say it in simple Japanese!
Kuno (sighs): Truly-- (Nabiki smacks him again, this time with a bokken.)
okay...I like that. Is that too much to ask?
Nabiki: Good. And no, I think that's too tacky. (Kuno face-faults.)
(Akane and Ranma enter from the left. Ranma is carrying those really, really
huge briefcases like the ones Joe bought to go around the world with in the
adventure "Joe versus the Volcano.")
Ranma: Okay, everyone! I've got the latest in international travel. These
suitcases are so durable, they can resist even the toughest conditions.
Nabiki (not looking up): How do you know? (She leans over to Kuno. To Kuno in a
cutsy kind-of voice) Ooh, a Swiss Army Pikachu Pokemon Knife! (Kuno looks at the
catalog and shakes his head.)
Ranma: I threw my bento on it. It died.
Akane (pouting): That was *my* food I cooked for you, you threw on that lousy
excuse for using Mother's Titanium MasterCard thing, baka! (Ranma glares at
Akane.)
Ranma (putting a fist next to Akane's face): One of these days, one of these
days...pow! Right in the kisser! (Akane slams Ranma down into the basement with
her mallet. We hear two people scream.)
Akane: I'd like to see Alice do that to Ralph...
Ukyou's voice: Ranchan! Can you see that Sukai and I are taking a bath?
Sukai's voice: Uh...Ukyou, that's not what you said we were going to do
here...Ranma! You ripped my condom!
(Kasumi pokes her head from the right side, where the kitchen is.)
Kasumi: Oh, my...is Ukyou and Sukai-oto alright?
Akane (peering down in the hole, blushing): They're okay. Ranma will probably
needs some first-aid through.
Kasumi: Good. Um, Nabiki, can you help me for a moment?
Nabiki: Why? Kuno and I are...
Kuno: I think she means you to help her in those things that women always know
but men never find out until they appear on the Sally Jesse Raphael Show?
Nabiki: Wha? (She looks up at Kasumi, with that look of impending doom.) Oh. You
mean...
Kuno: Yes, Kasumi's pregnant.
Soun's voice: Pregnant? My daughter is pregnant?!
Akane: H-h-how did you know?
Kuno: I read and approved today's script.
Everyone else: You what?!
Kuno: Geeze, I want a dramatic script...
Nabiki: Sis, h-h-how did you get pregnant?
Kasumi: Oh, Dr. Tofu and I had wonderful fun making love in the kitchen the day
we went over Mother's medical reports.
Nabiki: You found Mother's medical reports that alluring?
Kasumi: Well, no...but when Dr. Tofu showed off his phal---
Nabiki: T-t-that's okay, Kasumi. This isn't a lemon...yet.
Akane: W-will you need someone to cook for you?
Kasumi: Oh, no. I won't need that kind of help. I need help with Dr. Tofu.
Ranma (poking his head out of the basement): Why, is he in shock?
Kasumi: Well...I guess you can say that... (Kasumi rolls out Dr. Tofu frozen
solid, holding to a pregancy detectors kit. His glasses are more than fogged
over.)
Nabiki: And how long has he been like this?
Kasumi: Since he took the test.
Nabiki: What a minute, why would he take the test?
Kasumi: Oh! You don't understand. I'm not pregant, Dr. Tofu is the one whose
pregnant! (Everyone face-faults.)
(The scene fades out and a new scene comes in. We see a whole lot of pandas
marching through Tokyo.)
Panda 1: [How much longer must we] (flip) [endure such marching?]
Panda 2: [Not much longer.]
(They stop at the Emperor's palace. Genma-panda comes out dressed in a
Napoleonic uniform, which he trips over before he lands on the Emperor's chair.
We see the Emperor carried in a box cell.)
Genma-panda: [Let me decree that] (flip) [if anyone disobeys my orders, they
will either be turned into] (flip) [one of the following:] (new sign) [A Panda]
(He presses a button on a phaser-like gizmo and the Emperor turns into panda.)
(new sign) [A cabbit.] (Presses another button and the Panda morphs into a
cabbit.)
Cabbit/Emperor: Miyaa?
Genma-panda: [a bunny] (He presses another button, and the cabbit morphs into
Mokona.)
Mokona/Emperor: Pu! (He hops all around the cell like a man on crack.)
Genma-panda: [Or, in the worst case, one of the 151 pokemon creatures!] (He
presses another button and Mokona becomes Pikachu. Pikachu says something, but
it's unintelligable by all.) [In case that isn't enough, we have the Energizer
Bunny transformation.]
Idiot: Bah, that doesn't seem to be such a punishment! (Genma-panda fires his
changing phasor on the Idiot. He becomes Amelia from Slayers.)
Amelia: Wai! Where am I? Where's Lina? (screaming) Where's my lawyers!!!
Genma-panda: [Maybe we should rethink our punishments...]
(We switch back to the Tendo household. Kuno, Nabiki, Ranma, Akane, Kasumi and
Shower are looking at a still speechless Dr. Tofu.)
Ranma: Pregnant? Dr. Tofu? Of all of the strangest things, I've ever heard. I
mean, what could get worse?
(We see a live action shot of Rumiko Tashashi. seeing the show and spitting out
her sake.)
Sukai's voice (from the basement): You know there are somethings that I don't
want to think about, neither should you, Ranma.
Kasumi: I mean, he was just showing me how to use the thing and he accidentally
plunged into himself.
Akane: Accidentally plunging it into Dr. Tofu's...um...well...
Nabiki: Ass?
Akane: Yes...that's the world. Ass?
Kasumi: Why, I guess you can say that.
Shower: But, daughter, if you two did have sex before getting married---which
I'd like to say what took you so long?---then how come you aren't pregnant?
Kasumi: I took the test after he got it stuck into his...um...a-hole. (mumbling)
I don't even want to think of saying "ass." Wait a minute...(she winces.)
(Shampoo enters along with Mousse.)
Shampoo: <Mother, we've got a big problem!>
Shower: <Not right now, Dr. Tofu is pregnant with child.>
Mousse: Dr. Tofu...pregnant...bwahahahaha! (Shampoo slams Mousse with her a
mallet. He falls down the basement. Sukai and Ukyou scream.) Urk! (Shampoo looks
at herself and the mallet.)
Shampoo: Where did that come from?
Akane (with tears in her eyes): Well, sis, welcome into the Tendo family! (They
hug and cry.)
Shampoo: But, I have a bigger concern!
Nabiki: How much more bigger than this?
Shampoo: World domination by pandas! (There's a wretching sound like when a
record needle moves all the way across a record.)
Shower: Pandas?
Big, really big loud voice: Attention, citizens of Japan! As of today, I,
Emperor Aiahito, am not your leader. You're leader is Gamma-son Panda, esquire.
You must bow down to him, or else he'll force you watch all 230 episodes of the
Sailor Moon meets the Power Rangers meets Voltron meets Super Taboo.
Soun: No...not all three at once!
Big, really big loud voice: Please prepare the use of signs as the means to
communication with these Pandas, or by really bad singing, and unless you're
Lina Mimmei, I wouldn't even try it.
Akane: Signs?
Ranma: Then...Pops hafta to be involved with this.
(Genma-panda appears with 150 other pandas as they crash through the windows.)
Sukai: At least it's not the roof. (The roof splits in half and falls. Ranma and
Akane look at Sukai.) Me and my big mouth.
Genma-panda: [Ah, ha! Prepare to be exterminated, Ranma!]
Ranma: Well, pops, glad to see you recognize me. How's the USA?
Genma-panda: [They are now under our control, as well as the rest of the world!]
(He leans over; puts his hands out to the side like the huge statue of Jesus in
Rio de Janerio; & pulls out another sign.) [ I am King of the
Woooorrrrrlllldddd!]
Sukai: James Cameron you aren't, Mr. Panda.
Kasumi: Oh, but Mr. Saotome, I'm sure you and your 150 friends are thirsty after
conquering the entire world. How about some tea? (Genma-panda and the other 150
pandas look nervous.)
Panda 1: [Oh, I suppose some tea will be fine.]
Panda 2: [You wouldn't have some bamboo flavoured tea, by chance, old chum?]
Kasumi: I do have that, but I believe Shampoo, here makes the best Maralade
tea...you would like some Marmalade tea, don't you? (Shampoo smiles.)
Panda 1: [Marmalade tea?]
Panda 2: [MARMALADE TEA!] (flips sign) [No bear can resist marmalade tea!]
Genma-panda (looking bored): [So, what do you all want?] (150 pandas pull out
signs saying: [Marmalade Tea!!!])
Kasumi: Good. Ladies, I will need some help. (Kasumi pulls out some cold water
and splashes it on Ranma.) That includes you, Ranma-chan. (A grumbling
Ranma-chan, Akane, Nabiki, Ukyou, Shower, Shampoo leaves. Genma-panda looks at
the frozen Dr. Tofu.)
Genma-panda: [What's wrong with Dr. Tofu?] (flips sign) [Why is he holding a
pregancy test kit like that?]
Soun: He's pregnant, Genma. (Flump! 151 pandas face-fault.)
Mousse (whispering to Sukai): Couldn't you sick your dragons on them?
Sukai (whispering to Mousse): Oh, I would if I could, but they don't eat
anything that's on the Endangered Species List. Which is good.
Mousse: Why?
Sukai: They would eat you first.
Mousse (looking nervous): Then that's good.
(Nodoka Saotome storms into the room.)
Nodoka: I understand...say what's with all these pandas?
Soun: We're giving them marmalade tea before Genma makes us bow down before him.
Nodoka: Why would he do such a thing?
Panda 2: [Because he has taken over the world!]
Genma-panda: [Shut-up!] (Nodoka looks at him.) (flips sign) [Anata? Sorry I
didn't make it for supper!] (He starts to big-sweat.)
Nodoka: Darling, if I have to tell you once, I have to tell you a thousand
times, (screaming) you aren't going to take over the world without me with
you!!!
Genma-panda: [But honey...I didn't do this by accident.]
Nodoka: Accident?! What did you mean?
Genma-panda: (flips sign, points to Soun) [He sold me to the San Diego Zoo!]
(Nodoka looks angrily at Soun.)
Nodoka: What, could this be true? You sold my husband to some stinking American
Zoo? Why?
Soun: I needed the money so I could take my wife-to-be out to dinner. (Nodoka
calms down. Showers and Shampoo enter, Shampoo whispers with some of the pandas
about what else did they want besides Marmalade tea.)
Nodoka: Oh. Why didn't you tell me? Who are you getting married to?
Shower (bows): Me, I am Queen Shower, Queen of the Amazon. I suppose you know my
daughter Princess Shampoo.
Nodoka (bows): Yes, I do. Well, that's nice. When is the wedding?
Panda 1: [Darn, that's another country we'll have to conquer.]
Panda 2: [Amazons aren't worth the time to conquer. They're nothing but a bunch
of Xena wannabes.] (Shampoo and Shower glares at Panda 2.) (flips sign)
[Um...oops?]
(Shower and Shampoo beat up Panda 2, with bonboris.)
Shower: That's an insult that you compare us to the incredible and sexy Xena!
(They leave to go into the kitchen.)
Mousse (to Sukai): I found out they made Lucy Lawless and that girl that plays
"Gabrielle" honorary Amazons.
Sukai (to Mousse): I met Lawless once with her daughter. It was pretty cool. We
both ended up wrestling crocodiles and making leather purses.
Mousse: Why would you want to do that?
Sukai: She's a New Zealander. By the way, she does a heck of a Tazmanian Devil
imitation.
Nodoka: So, Genma, why did you have to conquer the world?
Panda 1: [It's not for us to reason why,] (flips sign) [but it is for us to do
and die!]
Panda 2: [It's also why you're lousy at Risk.]
Nodoka: You two are really annoying. How come non of the other pandas talk?
Panda 151: [Ever try to talk when a thousand pandas are all holding signs?]
Soun: Good point.
Nodoka: Still, Genma, I disapprove of you conquering the world without my
guidance. Now come home and let's talk about supper. By the way, where is Ranma?
Panda 3: [Gettings us some Marmalade tea.]
All 151 pandas: [Marmalade Tea!]
Nodoka: But he's a man...he shouldn't have to get tea like the rest of the
girls!
Genma-panda: [Oh, yes...about Ranma. He's going to married.]
Nodoka: To whom?
Soun: Akane. (Nodoka turns around.)
Nodoka: Really? That's good. When's the wedding?
(Dr. Tofu suddenly comes unglued.)
Dr. Tofu: I..I'm pregnant?!
Nodoka: Non-sense, you can't get pregnant, Dr. Tofu...oh...you mean Kasumi's
pregnant?
Soun: No, Kasumi said she's not pregnant.
Nodoka: Nonsense. She's just hiding the fact that she is pregnant until a much
more convient time. As in after the wedding. Speaking of which, (glaring at
Soun) when can I see my son marry Akane?
Soun: You won't be able to. The Queen won't permit it?
Nodoka: The Queen? Which Queen? (She turns to Genma-panda, pulls out her kitana
on her.) Have you been seeing a female panda behind my back, a-na-ta?
Genma-panda (holds the phasor-like gizmo): Don't you even touch me, Nodoka, or
else I'll use it! (She puts down her kitana and looks at that thing.)
Nodoka: What, that electronic garage door opener? Ha! You couldn't even turn me
into a creature out of hades with that thing! (Genma-panda fumbles a bit, and
pushes a button. Nodoka transforms into a demonic tenticle monster. She starts
grabbing all of the pandas and Soun.)
Sukai (screaming): Oh, no, Nodoka has become a tenticle creature from Hell!!!
(Mousse wipes his glasses.)
Mousse: Oh, come on, she couldn't be that bad...(The creature grabs Mousse.)
Hey! Hey! Heeelllppp!
(Kasumi, Ranma-chan, Akane, and Shampoo comes out ready to serve tea. They see
the tenticle monster,and they all drop their glasses.)
Kasumi: Oh, my!
Akane: And he's got father!
Soun: Wait! Wa-hmphff!
(Ukyou, Shampoo, Nabiki, and Shower comes in with more trays of Marmalade tea.)
Shower: Wait a minute, since when did we get a tenticled monster in here?
Ukyou: Nevermind, that...get the wasabi sauce! We may never have another chance
to have squid again!
(All of the girls pull out kitanas and start to hack away at the monster, even
though Soun is shaking his head.)
Sukai: Um, ladies, I don't think this is a good idea...
Akane: Shut-up brother and help us kill this beast!
Shampoo: You too Mousse or no loving tonight!
Mousse (sounding like Woody Allen): N-n-n-ooo lovving!!! (Pulls out a chainsaw.)
Well, here goes...Hieeeyyyyaaaaa!!! (He runs in and helps cut up the monster.
Sukai sighs as goes into the kitchen to get some wasabi sauce. All through this
time, Kuno has been looking in the catalogs, marking items down. He looks up,
sees the monster and turns to Nabiki.)
Kuno: Do you realize that you're really killing---
Nabiki: KUNO!!! Not right now, I'm busy! Would you get your bokken here and help
kill this beast! Maybe we can get $50,000 dollars for this huge squid! Kuno?
(Kuno sighs and rushes in and helps in the slaughter. The beast shrills a
demonic cry and dies, but they all still help cut up the beast. Everyone looks
really bloodied up. All of the girls cheer.)
Ukyou: We did it!
Ranma-chan: Yeah, free squid for everyone!
Soun (screaming): THAT IS NOT A SQUID!!! (Everyone stops and looks at Soun. He
grabs Genma's device and pushes a button. It turns from a pile of squid to a
pile of human carcasses, in a Jeffery Dalmer sort of way.) YOU KILL NODOKA
SAOTOME! YOU KILLED RANMA'S MOTHER!!!
Ranma-chan: What?! M-m-m-mmmother?! (She rushes through the parts, and finds her
head. She looks at it and drops it.) Mommmy? (She starts to cry.)
Nabiki (screaming to Kuno): Why didn't you tell us?!
Kuno (screaming): I did you stupid money grabbing bitch!!! You jump to
conclusions like the rest of us, you moronic piece of filthy slimy bucket!
(Nabiki looks amazed at Kuno.) What? What?
Nabiki: I-I-I understood all of that. You told me what you exactly felt in no
uncertain terms.
Kuno: I...I did? I did! Nabiki, I can actually talk! (They hug. Sukai shakes his
head.)
Sukai: I don't believe this.
Nabiki (whispering to Sukai): Look at this way, it's the closest I've ever come
to being wrong and saying I'm sorry. (she looks at Kuno.) Say, Kuno, I'm sorry
about all of that. Wait a minute...(she beats her head on Kuno.) nooooo!!!
Kasumi (smiling): Don't worry, Nabiki. There's a first time for everything. (She
tilts her head a bit.) Now who wants some Marmalade tea? I have 450 litres of it
on the kitchen floor. The pandas and others run out of the room, trampling over
Nabiki and Kuno in the process. Kasumi walks over to a sobbing Ranma-chan.) I'm
sorry about your loss, you didn't know it was your mother instead of a demonic
tenticle beast that would have taken your virginity, my birthright, and all of
this lovely shrubbery. There are sometimes we must forgive and forget, and times
where we must kick some ass. Wait a minute...(she winces again.)
Ranma-chan: (Sob) Are you saying that I s-s-should forgive to my father for his
stupidity?
Kasumi: Oh, no. I'm saying you need to forgive your mother, forget you ever knew
your father, and kick his ass! Ass. I like saying ass....wait a minute...(she
winces yet again.)
Ranma-chan: H-h-hai. (She looks down and sees her mother's kitana. She grabs in
and rushes into the kitchen. A catalog falls onto Kuno and Nabiki's face.)
Nabiki (weakly): T-t-there we go...a Hello Kitty first aid kit. I think we might
need that.
Kuno (weakly): I agree.
Kasumi: Oh, my! I nearly forgot about you two! (She rushes out of the room,
stepping on them.)
Nabiki: OWCH!
Kuno: Say, Nabiki, I know where the author of this script lives...wanna go kill
him after we're done here?
Nabiki: That sounds like a good idea, Kuno. You know, you really can talk pretty
good...
Kuno: Thanks...I guess.
(We switch over to the kitchen, Ranma-chan is holding Nodoka's sword, swinging
it out pretty wide.)
Ranma-chan (screaming): I'm going to kill you, you worthless panda!!!
Genma-panda: [Doubtless, son, since you will have to face all of my subjects
against you!]
(We see all of the other panda drinking Marmalade.)
Panda 1: [Good Marmalade tea, who made this?]
(Akane comes in.)
Akane: I did. (Suddenly, the 150 pandas start to gag and choke. Akane blinks.)
Was it good? (They all fall over.) Oh.
Genma-panda: [You killed them all!] (Ranma-chan smiles.)
Ranma-chan: Good, then there's no stopping me! (He stabs Genma.)
Genma-panda: [Urk!] (The sign hits a hot water pipe. Instant men.)
Genma: Hey, the wound's healed.
Ranma: That still doesn't help the fact I'm gonna kill ya! (Genma kicks the
kitana out of Ranma's hand, pulls out a gun and places it on Ranma's head.)
Genma: Ha! Now what are you gonna do...URK! (Genma falls over dead. Ranma looks
to see Sukai and Akane pulling out two kitchen knives.)
Ranma: W-w-what did you do that for?
Sukai & Akane: Hey, you saved our asses, we save yours. (They both wince.)
Ranma: But, but, Pops wasn't gonna shoot me!
Akane: Why not?
Ranma: Well, for one, that wasn't a real gun. (He picks up the gun and fired it
away just as Shampoo enters the room. Water comes out and Shampoo becomes an
cat. Shampoo-neko and Ranma blink at each other.)
Akane (whispering to Sukai): Oh oh...
Sukai: What?
Akane: Well, Genma put Ranma into a pit with cats in order so that he could
learn the Neko-ken. He should go berserk any...(Ranma walks over and picks up
Shampoo-neko.)
Ranma: T-th-thi-this is weird...I don't feel afraid of Shampoo anymore...(Shower
walks in.) The neko-ken isn't here anymore.
Shower: Neko-ken? Ah, then you have broken it's power.
Ranma: How do you know about Neko-ken?
Shower: I wrote a pamplet about it. (Ranma face-faults.)
Akane: Really? You were once under the Neko-ken's power?
Shower: Yes, I was my child. I never did get a chance to write how to overcome
the neko-ken's power. There are two ways of removing the fear of cats. One is to
kill the person that gave you the neko-ken, which is what you did, Ranma.
Ranma: But, I didn't kill Genma...your kids did.
Shower: Just as well.
Sukai: Ssso...what's the other way?
Shower: You have to forgive a cat. I had to forgive Hello Kitty.
Akane: Um, what did you do?
Shower: I kicked her in the ass.
(We switch back to the living room, where Nabiki & Kuno are still on the floor.)
Nabiki: Gee...I hope no one has forgotten us?
Kuno: Well, if you could reach down my side (Nabiki grunts as she stretches her
hand downward...we can't see where she's reaching to.)...wait not there...
Nabiki: Whoa, I didn't know you had that kind of lumber. (Kuno's eyes bug out.)
******