It seems to me that the experiment with removing delimiters for thought and
telepathy work,
in the prose format.  I'm not clear that removing the delimiters is better,
but I think it works
equally well.  I'm much less certain about removing the Chinese language
delimiters;
replacing them with explanation seems awkward to me.  I'm tempted to put
them back in for
the final version.

Re: prose format vs script, there is probably still a lot of room to work
over the prose, but my
initial impression is favorable.  It seems to me that awkward, stilted, or
hackneyed dialog is
more obvious to me, as the writer, in the prose format than it ever was in
the script (not that
this could be inherent in the format itself).

I'd strongly suggest not writing in the present tense.  That really does seem
awkward.  It's comprehensible, yes; but unless you have some strong reason
for favouring it, past-tense prose is generally more natural and more
comprehensible.

Beyond that -- the removal of delimiters for thought and telepathy seems
rather jarring.  Without any other kind of indication that the text is thought
or prose (eg italics), the reader virtually has to make a conscious mental
switch each time.  Again, it's harder to read.

On the other hand, if you do go back to delimiters for thought and telepathy,
I'd suggest sticking to just one kind for both.  It'll save on confusion and
could even add to the humour value (when what seems like a normal thought is
suddenly found to have been received by the others).

Hope this helps!

Cheers,
Angus

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Angus MacSpon                                                Allen Gainsford
http://shell.ihug.co.nz/~macspon/          http://shell.ihug.co.nz/~macspon/