As promised, below are "before and after" versions of two scenes from "A
Spring Tale".
The original was a script format and the new is prose.  I've also done away
with all funny delimiters
for thought, telepathy, and multiple languages in the new version.  Please
comment, rant,
whatever on the formatting.  My own initial opinions follow.

I hope to stimulate some illuminating debate with this post.

----- Original scene with thoughts and telepathy ----
The economy class section of a JAL 747 en route to Hong Kong.
Ranma is seated between Akane and Ukyou.  It is quite noisy.

Ukyou:    (reading a Hong Kong newspaper)  Gee, the situation in
          Qinghai is getting worse.  Those Musk Dynasty guys raided
          some mine near a city named Golmud.  The Chinese are
          declaring martial law.  I hope Shampoo is okay.

Ranma:    o O >I wonder if these rensus have other properties
          besides the magic language abilities and the identification.
          Chingensai mentioned the latter, but I didn't think it'd
          actually hurt to hold another person's rensu like that.<

Akane:    Did you just say something?

Ranma:    Not unless I was thinking out loud.

Akane:    Maybe you were, but don't talk about... those things...
          around other people.

Ranma:    o O >Yeah, right, Akane.  Like I need you to tell me that.
          Uncute...<    OWWW!!  What was that for?

Akane:    Don't think about me like that!  We're married now!

Ukyou:    Hey, you guys!  No need for that!  Ranchan, why did you
          say that about Akane?

Ranma:    I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING!  SHE'S READING MY MIND!

Around them, other passengers look over in dismay, surprise, or
displeasure.  Embarrassed, Ranma, Akane, and Ukyou look around and
wave their hands, palm out, to show they don't mean it.

Akane:    o O >I'm reading his mind?...  But it's true, he didn't
          even open his mouth that time...<

Ranma:    o O >SEE, I TOLD YA!  YOU ARE SO.. uncute... No she's not...
          Akane is the cutest person I've ever seen in my life...<

Ukyou:    o O >Oh!  I heard Ranchan think that!  He really does feel
          that way about Akane...<

Akane:    o O >Oh no!  Poor Ukyou!  Unless we can shut this off, she'll
          have to listen to everything Ranma and I think about each
          other...  And she's so nice, I don't want to hurt her...<

Ukyou starts to take her rensu off, but Ranma puts his hand on hers to
stop her.

Ranma:    o O >Ucchan, we can't learn to keep our thoughts private
          unless we're wearing them so we can practice.  ...You're
          such a good companion; so much fun to be around...<
          (blushes)  o O >Oh, no, you heard that too...<

Ukyou:    o O >...Well, I can leave it on for the rest of the flight,
          but tonight when you're in the honeymoon suite of our hotel,
          I'M TAKING IT OFF!<

Akane:    Yeah... I think I will too when the shoe's reversed...

----- Revised scene with thoughts and telepathy ----
The economy class section of a JAL 747 en route to Hong Kong.
Ranma is seated between Akane and Ukyou.  It is quite noisy.
Ukyou is reading a Hong Kong newspaper written in Cantonese.

"Gee, the situation in Qinghai is getting worse.  Those Musk Dynasty
guys raided some mine near a city named Golmud.  The Chinese are
declaring martial law.  I hope Shampoo is okay."

Ranma is not really listening to Ukyou.  I wonder if these rensus
have other properties besides the magic language abilities and the
identification.  Old Chingensai mentioned the latter, and
Fujiwara-sensei said something about not touching the girls' rensus,
but I didn't think it'd actually hurt to hold another person's rensu
like that.  Fujiwara-sensei wouldn't say much about what they do.

"Did you just say something?"  Akane says.

"Not unless I was thinking out loud."

"Maybe you were, but don't talk about... those things... around
other people."

Ranma looks hurt, but keeps his mouth firmly closed.  Yeah, right,
like I need you to tell me that.  Uncute...

"OWWW!  What was that for?"

"Don't think about me like that!  We're married now!"

Looking up from her newspaper, Ukyou quickly intervenes.  "Hey, you
guys!  No need for that!  Ranchan, why did you say that about Akane?"

"I didn't say anything!  She's reading my mind!"

Around them, other passengers look over in dismay, surprise, or
displeasure.  Embarrassed, Ranma, Akane, and Ukyou look around and
wave their hands, palm out, to show they don't mean it.

I'm reading his mind?...  But it's true, Ranma didn't even open his
mouth that time...

SEE, I TOLD YA!  YOU ARE SO.. uncute... No she's not... Akane is the
cutest person I've ever seen in my life.

Oh!  I heard Ranchan think that!  He really does feel that way about
Akane.

Oh no!  Poor Ukyou!  Unless we can shut this off, she'll have to
listen to everything Ranma and I think about each other.  And she's
so nice, I don't want to hurt her.

Ukyou starts to take her rensu off, but Ranma puts his hand on hers to
stop her.

Ucchan, we can't learn to keep our thoughts private unless we practice.
We gotta wear the rensus to practice.  ...You're such a good companion;
so much fun to be around...

Ranma abruptly blushes.  Oh, no, you heard that too...

Well, I can leave it on for the rest of the flight, but tonight
when you're in the honeymoon suite of our hotel, I'M TAKING IT OFF!

Akane just looks straight ahead, bemused.  "Yeah. I think I will too
when the shoe's reversed."

----- Original scene with multiple languages ----
Inside the store.

Ranma:    You've noticed that you can both read all the street signs.
          Have you looked at the individual kanjis to see how many of
          them you know?

Ukyou:    I tried that.  Not many at all.  It feels weird to be able
          to read the signs when I don't know the characters which
          make up the signs.

Ranma:    But this is where it's going to get tricky for both of you.
          Unless you concentrate, you'll find you're speaking either
          English or Cantonese to practically everyone here.  If you
          *want* to speak Japanese to a native, you'll find it's very
          difficult at first.

Akane:    (curiously)  Is that why you insisted on handling check-in
          last night, and wouldn't let us speak to the hotel people?

Ranma:    Right!  They all know we're Japanese, so I didn't want you
          to be speaking fluent Cantonese to them.  I can manage since
          I practiced last fall with Cologne's rensu.

          Why don't you guys practice by talking to that couple over there?
          (points to an arm-in-arm couple, a blond, big-nosed gaijin man
          with an oriental wife)

Akane walks over and addresses herself to the pair.  She opens her
mouth.  Nothing comes out.

Akane:    o O (Oh!  They must have different native languages!  I'd
          better focus on the wife...)  <...Excuse me, please.  Do
          you know where in this store I might find the houseware
          department?>

Wife:     <I'm sorry; I'm afraid I don't know.  Stuart and I don't
          live around here, and this is the first time I've been in
          this store.>

The husband is looking annoyed at the conversation.  Ukyou walks up.

Ukyou:    "I take it you don't speak Cantonese?"

Husband:  "Only a bit.  It always annoys me when Lily does this.  Of
          course, it's worse with her family; I always think they're
          talking about me."

Wife:     (turning to husband)  "They usually are."

Akane:    <Well, thank you...>  (grits teeth, furrows brow)
          "Thank you, I mean."

Akane and Ukyou wave and walk back to Ranma.

Akane:    I see what you mean.  It's easy to speak to someone in their
          native language, but very hard to speak to someone in another
          language, even if they know it well.

Ukyou:    But I could understand everything perfectly regardless of
          language.  You were right, Ranchan; these things'll be real
          handy!

Akane:    But we're graduated, so there's no more English tests for
          you to cheat on!  (smirks at Ranma)

----- Revised scene with multiple languages  ----
The three enter the store.

"You've noticed that you can both read all the street signs.  Have
you looked at the individual kanji characters to see how many of them
you know?"

"I tried that, Ranchan.  Not many at all.  It feels weird to be able
to read the signs when I don't know the characters which make up the
signs."

"But this is where it's going to get tricky for both of you.  Unless
you concentrate, you'll find you're speaking either English or
Cantonese to practically everyone here.  If you WANT to speak Japanese
to a native, you'll find it's very difficult at first."

Akane, curious, says "is that why you insisted on handling check-in
last night, and wouldn't let us speak to the hotel people?"

"Right!  They all know we're Japanese, so I didn't want you to be
speaking fluent Cantonese to them.  I can manage since I practiced
last fall with Cologne's rensu.  Why don't you guys practice by talking
to that couple over there?"  Ranma points to an arm-in-arm couple, a
blond, big-nosed gaijin man with an oriental wife.

Akane walks over and addresses herself to the pair.  She opens her
mouth.  Nothing comes out.  Oh!  They must have different native
languages!  I'd better focus on the wife.  In fluent Cantonese,
Akane says "Excuse me, please.  Do you know where in this store I
might find the houseware department?"

"I'm sorry; I'm afraid I don't know.  Stuart and I don't live around
here, and this is the first time I've been in this store."

The husband is looking annoyed at the conversation.  Ukyou walks up.

Ukyou, in fluent English, says "I take it you don't speak Cantonese?"

"Only a bit.  It always annoys me when Lily does this.  Of course,
it's worse with her family; I always think they're talking about me."

Lily turns to Stuart.  "They usually are."

Akane starts "Well, thank..."  Abruptly she realizes she's still
speaking Cantonese.  She grits her teeth.  Her brow furrows as she
tries again.  "Thank you, I mean,"  She manages, in English this
time.  Akane and Ukyou wave and walk back to Ranma.

"I see what you mean.  It's easy to speak to someone in their native
language, but very hard to speak to someone in another language,
even if they know it well."

"But I could understand everything perfectly regardless of language.
You were right, Ranchan; these things'll be real handy!"

"But we're graduated, so there's no more English tests for you to
cheat on!"  Akane smirks at Ranma.


---My initial reactions---

It seems to me that the experiment with removing delimiters for thought and
telepathy work,
in the prose format.  I'm not clear that removing the delimiters is better,
but I think it works
equally well.  I'm much less certain about removing the Chinese language
delimiters;
replacing them with explanation seems awkward to me.  I'm tempted to put
them back in for
the final version.

Re: prose format vs script, there is probably still a lot of room to work
over the prose, but my
initial impression is favorable.  It seems to me that awkward, stilted, or
hackneyed dialog is
more obvious to me, as the writer, in the prose format than it ever was in
the script (not that
this could be inherent in the format itself).

hkmiller