In a message dated 1/6/99 9:43:43 PM, dje@progress.com wrote:

Well, here is the all-new Togetherness Factor 2.  Who woulda
thought, so soon after TTF 1?  Something must be wrong with
me.  :-)

(pauses to take a double take) TTF *two*? Already? (jumps around in glee) Yay!
TTF's here!

As usual, I invite comment.  Thank you to everyone who responded
to TTF1; I appreciate it.

Glad to help out.

This story is set in the summer holidays following the events of

volume 38 of the Ranma 1/2 manga.

In the light of the recent debate on whether making statements like this
should be approiate or necessary, maybe you should consider rewriting the fic
slightly, just to add some passages that would indicate the fact that this fic
took place after vol. 38? A reference to Saffron or to the flooded Jusenkyo
would do.
But it's up to you.

Say, speaking of vol. 38- doesn't Akane seem to be bit too violent in TTF
series? Sure she still bashes him now and then and have arguments again, but I
would've suspected that they would've mellowed out a bit, especially after
what had occured during the Saffron arc in volumes 37-38. Akane moreever so,
IMHO.

Note that the conventions of guest behaviour given herein are

purely fictional.  I have no idea whether they're correct for

Japan of the 90's, although they *are* correct for some cultures

and times.

They're probably correct, since Japanese residents respects their guests to a
high degree. Certainly nowhere near what I've seen in manga version whenver
Ranma was involved. Pherhaps Ranma was fated to test this notion? ^_^

    *click*brrrrrrt*

    Neurons fired as Ranma rapidly eliminated possible suspects.

Who else would bring a camera into a bathroom except...

    "NABIKI!"  "Nabiki-oneechan!  How *dare* you!!"

Nabiki seems to be going bit too far here. I know Nabiki've already taken
countless pictures of her sister, but Akane was fylly clothed in them. Then
again, she's known to take a snap of Ranma's naked female form...

    "Akane, I know that you think I'm a jerk and an idiot; you

call me that often enough.  But you've gotta control yourself.

Besides, I dunno about you but I'm still soapy and I could really

use a soak in the furo about now."

    The hot water of the large bath soaked into Akane's body as

she lay submerged up to her neck in the furo.  She could almost

imagine that she was in there alone, but somehow she could sense

Ranma's presence off to her right, facing her across the bath.

Am I missing something between these two paragraphs? If not then include the
breakers- it had confused me for a moment there.

    "So why haven't you stopped her?"

"I can't hit grrls!"

    "I'm a guest here."

Ah. ^_^

    The television was showing a silly movie about a female ramen-

seller and her search for how to make the perfect ramen.  Ranma

and Akane sat companionably side-by-side watching it, cups of

barley tea sitting forgotten on the table in front of them.

I have a feeling that this is a real movie (but it's about ramen, of all the
things)...

    Akane suddenly turned her head.  "P-chan!  Where have you

been?  I've been worried about you!"

Ahh, it just had to happen sooner and later...

    Akane reflexively hugged the small black pig to her chest.

"He's not Ryouga, Ranma!  You're always so mean my poor little P-

chan.  Why can't you be nice to him."

Should be a question mark at the end.

    "Ranma!  What did you do that for?!  I told you to leave him

alone!"  Akane's fist impacted with his head, and then he, too,

was heading for the koi pond.

    "No! Akaneeaaaaagh!" *splosh*

    Akane screamed in pain, even as the waters of the koi pond

closed over Ranma.  She shrieked in torment and agony, like a lost

soul.

<blinks in surprise> Hmm, looks like the tone of the story is changing a bit.
Though I knew it had to happen sooner or later.

    Ranma was racked by coughs, but when they finished he didn't

look up.  "Stupid uncute tomboy.  Fucking moron!  No I'm not all

right!"  He began to cough again.  "What the hell'd you hit me

for, anyway?"

I'd consider omitting the swear words. If you aren't aiming for darker theme,
then try using lighter swearing. Oh, something like 'Idiotic moron' would do
fine.

    "You know he didn't."  Nabiki sighed.  "Besides, how would he

provoke a pig?  It's not like a pig is going to understand

Japanese.  If I said something to a pig and it bit me, wouldn't it

be reasonable if I got angry at the pig?  And tried to hit it or

something?"

From, it seems that Nabiki's completly unaware of the said fact that Ryoga's
p-Chan. I doubt that Nabiki's THAT clueless as Akane is, especially after 38
volumes, and all these obivious hints dropped. After all, we're talking about
Nabiki here- I'm sure that she would have suspected something by then.

    At its end, he examined both Ranma and Akane, eventually

separating the two by some five feet, at which point the pain was

just really starting to take hold, and re-examining them.  Ranma's

heart tore at the sound of Akane's laboured breathing and

occasional soft whimpers even as he bore the pain stoically.

Feet? Sorry if I'm nit-picking, but since this is Japan we're talking about,
and they use meteric system, not the standard. They'd be measured in meters,
grams, and others like that. You probably should stick to that.
And other thing, isn't five feet awfully too close? In TTF1, when R&A tried
seperating themselves in Akane's room- I'm sure that Akane's room much bigger
than five feet. I'd say around 10 feet wide. A mistake, perhaps?

    Since then, she'd been forced to suffer the indignity of

bathing with Ranma, and agonies of the damned had been visited

upon her on at least three occasions today... and the last one,

when she had hit Ranma into the koi pond, had been so bad she had

thought she'd die.

I really should make a comment on this thread of Akane's thoughts and
feelings, but I won't.

    Her *own* *sister*.  Taking photographs of her in the bath,

presumably for sale to that prat Kunou Tatewaki.  Although with a

nude photo, she knew that other males would be desperate to get

their hands on it too.

'prat'? Don't you mean 'brat'? ^_^

    A low scrape, of a glass being dragged across something,

interrupted Akane before she could answer.  Her temper flashed

into being and she slid out of bed and stomped her way to her

door, which she whisked aside.  She was not surprised to find

Nabiki, Souun, and Genma-panda there with glasses against their

ears, now leaning against nothing, but the presence of Nodoka and

Kasumi she found dismaying in the extreme.

Wouldn't Akane be in pain by now since it's already been shown that the
distance across the room from Ranma is more than enough to cause it? 
Like I had mentioned earlier about the distance required before the pain
occurs, Akane walked more than fived feet here. I think you should reconsider
the distance before pain takes effect. 7 feet would be appropraite. Either
that, or try rewriting the parts, like this for example, "She quickly glanced
over to Ranma, relieved that he wasn't too far off."

    Ranma lay in his futon feeling sympathetic for Akane as she

struggled to hold back sobs.  Wrestling with his own feelings, he

eventually gave in and knelt up.  He reached out towards Akane but

hesitated to touch her, eventually pulling back.  "A-Akane?  Are

you okay?"

Again, I'm really wondering how *close* Ranma and Akane are here? The pre-
determined distance of five feet would have put their futons awfully close
togeher.
And I'd appreciate if someone gave me detailed description of futons. I know
what they are generally, beds. But beyond that, I know nothing.

    Closing his eyes, he tried to ignore the sudden warm track

that worked its way down one cheek.

Nice closing sentence.

     

    Well, it's been a really long time but I hope you enjoyed the

revised part 2 of The Togetherness Factor.  

Oh yeah, I enjoyed the part two. You have no idea how long i've been waiting
for more of this, ever since I read that incomplete part two. Glad that you're
working again.
Hope part three comes out as quickly as two had.

Some of you will no doubt be wondering at the drastic darkening
of this chapter compared to its earlier incarnation and whether I
plan to make this a darkfic or Waffic or what?

Yeah, I had been wondering about that. Personally, I think it's going to be a
bit of in the middle. Generally semi-serious aond incorporating occasional
flashes of humor.
While TTF has become serious lately, it's nowhere close to the borderline of a
darkfic and I feverishly hope it won't happen. This fic has too much of
potential to be turned into a YAMDF (Yet Another Mindless DarkFic). But the
decision is ultimately left up to the author.

    I ain't tellin'.

Yeah, I know.

    By the way, the movie the kids were watching is real.  It's

called "Tampopo" and I highly recommend it if you can track down a

copy.  (I taped it from TV.)  It's a scream. 

Just as I thought. ^_-

    Hopefully Part 3 will come out... eventually.  Ah, I have

such plans....

Please don't mention 'hopefully' and 'eventually' in ne sentence- it makes you
sound like your life going to be in danger if you don't post the fic. And it
might strike true...

Now for the comments on the future parts of TTF:

I really am looking forward to the part where Ranma tries to deal with Ryoga,
especially since he will have to explain the facts to him with Akane nearby.
What about the poor 'P-Chan'?

I hope this doesn't drivel into mindless bashing of Akane. This has good story
plot, IMO, but I'd hate to see this degenerate into bashing of Akane or Ranma.

But other than that, good work! ^_^
Keep writing TTF, and I'll keep reading and commenting on them.

David Eddy - Senior Consultant, Progress Software Melbourne

dje@progress.com

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