realities by force of will.  Perhaps you are actually awake, now,
and all the rest of it is the dream.  Or maybe you have just been
eating too much of your own cooking before bedtime."

"all" and "the rest of it" aren't quite compatible here, IMO.

   "Bah!  We don't have enough time for me to instruct you in the
mysteries of the Universe, and most of my lessons wouldn't make
any sense to you at this time.  I need to communicate with your
group, and Ranma's dreams are... inhospitable right now, and I
don't know when I shall get another chance."

group; Ranma's

   Cologne crowed in triumph.  "There is hope for this
generation after all!  Now, why might Ranma have left, and why
might he have lied to you about it?"

There might be hope
Now, why could Ranma have left, and why would he lie to

   "Excell--"  The crone's praise was cut off as she burst into
a pillar of flame.

The crone burst into a pillar of flame, cutting her praise off.

   The top file drawer was open--not by a lot, but enough that
he knew there was no way it could have been left that way by
accident.  Capt. Hino was a bear when it came to order in the
records areas, and numerous reprimands had drilled into his
underlings just how vital it was to their careers to keep him
happy in this regard.

accident; Capt.

   Looking at it in that light made it clear that there was not
decision to make at all.  He carefully pushed the file down

no decision

   Then the voice whispered again, and she began to understand
what was required of her.  A few quick moments of typing secured
the information she was asked for--records on the immigration
status of the owner and employees of a Chinese restaurant in the
Nerima Ward.  She had no idea why her unwelcome visitor wanted
the information, and she didn't care.  Although given the name
of the place, she figured it was probably a prostitution
front--maybe one that had failed to pay proper dues to the
oyabun.

care, although

   At least, not until its oversized incisors sank into Soun's
ankle with much more force than would be expected for such a
small pig.

...

Why does *he* care? No, really, especially as is fully aware that
neither has a *living* partner...

   And then _she_ would go through some lesser maneuvers
herself, dodging frantically to get away from someone she had
apparently just caught a glimpse of.  It took Go awhile to
figure it out, but eventually he realized that she was reacting
whenever she saw the one player Go did recognize, a pretty,
sweet-faced young woman with long brown hair in a ponytail he
had often noticed in the market.

In the market, he often noticed the ponytail which the girl had? ,-)

   "Well, what if she never learns the whole truth?  I mean, we
could tell her that Genma died in the jungles of Vietnam, or
something like that.  We could even tell her he was cremated. 
Do you know what happened to... to his remains?"

In the jungles of Vietnam? Considering that she *should* know that
he's been alive not all too long ago (that, or they've been
lying to her), that seems like a pretty stupid example, even
from Ryouga.

  ***********************************************************

                         End Chapter 21

I must say I fail to really *feel* much about this chapter. Don't
know, maybe I just happened to read it at the wrong time, but...

The use of one-shot characters was kind of a new thing for me, so
I'd really like your opinions on that--was it too much, should I get rid 

Hm. Well. I *do* think you overdid it a bit; telling almost the entire
chapter that way when you have not used it much before is a bit
of a style-break.

As always, C&C, MSTs, Acknowledgements, Flames, Death Threats and 
Rambling Missives on the apparent state of my Immortal Soul are welcomed 

YM "Immoral Soul". HTH. ;D


---
Ronny Hedin, thark@hem2.passagen.se, http://nabiki.newberry.edu/thark/
                    "Momomoto, famous japanese, can swallow his nose."