Proper formatting, more than anything else, would make this fic better.

* Use 70-to-80 character lines.  (Personally, I've found 74 to be a
good line width for fics.)  That way, e-mail software won't insert odd
line breaks that interfere with reading (and anything that interferes
with reading will deter people from enjoying your work).

* Begin a new paragraph every time you switch characters during dialog.
This will make it easier for the reader to determine who is saying what,
regardless of whether or not you label all the quotes with "Tenchi said"
or similar.

Do this, then repost, and you will probably get more C&C.