Subject: Re: [FFML] Request: Illuminations, Chapter 21/?[Dark][Lime]
Date: Mon, 4 Jan 1999 22:51:07 -0500

Yay! Another chapter, and so soon after the first.

Yup.  And the C&C arrived right after I posted the revise....  Not that 
I'm complaining, mind you, just enjoying the irony.  Your suggestions 
still stand a good chance of making it into the final Web version.

                   **********************
                   * Chapter Twenty-One *
                   * Run-Around         *
                   **********************

Hehehe. I wonder how fast he can replace the blood loss.

*chuckle*

   Nabiki smirked in the darkness.  {If we'd had Kasumi there,
he'd have probably slipped into a full-blown coma.  Sweet, in a
pathetic sort of way.}

Pure Nabiki.

She's been the easiest character for me to write, no doubt.

   She shook her head.  She'd been having that sort of thought
an awful lot, just lately, and was really not sure how she felt
about it.

What sort of thought? Ryouga being pahetic? Seeing Kasumi naked?

Positive (or at least, somewhat positive) appraisals of Ryouga.

   {Oh well, time fo--} her thoughts slammed to a halt as she
saw them.  Roses.  Blood red and midnight black, the bouquet sat
on her desk like an imp waiting for an unwary moment when it
could steal her breath.

How foreboding. The roses are a nice touch.

You know, the opening of this chapter has gotten more positive feedback 
than any other scene I've written.

   Akane tried to remember how she had gotten tangled, and
couldn't.

She was really hung over and had come onto Mousse?

*violent coughing fit*
*Don't do that!  ^_^*

   And so the blade cut, and she fell, screaming, into the
mists.

   Only to land, unharmed and on her feet, a moment later.

How disappointing. All that fear wasted. Tsk Tsk. ^_^

*Every once in awhile, a touch of anticlimax can be a good thing.*

   She turned, and nearly facefaulted at the sight of Cologne,
smiling and applauding gently.

Hmm. I don't know. The 'nearly facefaulting seems a little out of place
here. The mood is all wrong for it.

*I may agree with you.  There are several lines like that which may 
disappear in the final cut of the fic.*

   "Now I begin to see why Son-i--why Ranma always chose you, in
the end, Akane.  You have a wonderful spirit."

That and she's probably the only fiancee that stands a chance of 

getting out

of this alive makes her the best choice all right.

*Hmmm... would now be a bad time to reveal my secret plan to engage 
Ranma to... Yeah, it probably would.  ^_^*

   "Now, which was more important:  what I said, or what I did?"

Hehehe. I like that demonstration. Very nice.

Partial credit should go to Vincent, author of Horse Taming.  I had his 
characterisation of Cologne in the front of my mind when I wrote this 
scene.

   Akane grimaced.  "What you did."

Cologne rapped her in the head again.

Cologne: Wrong! It was what I said. See. I tricked you. How do you ever 

hope

to survive if you can't get a 50/50 question right?

Heh.

   "Excell--"  The crone's praise was cut off as she burst into
a pillar of flame.

Ah, Spontaneous Combustion Technique. A very powerful one.

*This is actually going to be explained--eventually.*

   Sergeant Abe Hiroyuki

Abe?

*Pulled it off one of the Web pages in the Resource Guide.  I assume 
it's pronounced AH-beh, or something similar (it's also the surname).*

   Sgt. Abe's sympathy had been genuine when he had told
the young man--what was his name?  Oh yes, Happousai--

Allow me to say, oh dear. I forgot about him still being around.

*Uhm.  He's not.  He died way back when.  This is a young man.  Whose 
fiancee died on the ship.  Who's starting to investigate all the stuff 
that's been going on lately.*

when he
had told Happousai that he couldn't release any information at
all about the bombing of the Maiden's Luck.  After all, the boy
was obviously just looking for some solace in knowing how went
the investigation of the explosion which had killed his fiance.

fiancee. Unless Happi's claiming to be engaged to a man.

*Whoops.  That one made it past everyone else, too.*

   If it had been up to him, the sergeant would have just let
the boy have a quick peek at the file while his back was turned.

That may yet happen.

*You peeked!*

   The official line was that this was to preserve the integrity
of the investigation.  Sgt. Abe's

Should probably be using his last name here instead of his first.

*As noted above, it is his last name.*

   He sighed.  Covering the Brass' Asses

Should that be capitalized?

*That's how he thinks of it.*

   Sgt. Abe went back to the file room to retrieve some
paperwork on a missing-child report.  When he entered, a sharp
wind cut across his face,

EWWW! Someone farted. Or would that be 'broke wind'?

*gah!*

   {Odd.  That window isn't supposed to be open.}  He closed the
offending portal, then went over to the cabinets.  And froze.

cabinets, and

   Looking at it in that light made it clear that there was not
decision

not a decision

*Actually, it was meant to be "no decision", but same effect.*

   "Yes, and I know why, I think.  I also think you can guess
the real reason he took off, too."  Akane pressed on, not
guessing the real reason behind Nabiki's guilty flinch.
"Nabiki, I know... I know I'm not in his league as a fighter...
But if he and I are going to have any chance together at all,
then I have to know that I can stand by him when things are
tough--otherwise, I'll... I'll wind up like Ukyou, not around
him when I really need to be.

Well being dead makes it pretty damn hard to be at anyone's side. I 

suppose

you could come back as a ghost, but that is asking a lot.

*Kunou made it....*

   She was so lost in her thoughts on the injustice of it all
that she failed utterly to

I'd drop the 'utterly'

*Will consider.*

notice the styrofoam panel in the
ceiling over her head rise up into the space between her floor
and the one above.

   Yakuza.

When did they become involved, or am I forgetting something?

*Nope.  It's a bluff.  Specifically, it's Onna-Ranma fresh from a tattoo 
shop.*

   And met the eye of Nodoka Saotome.

Busted!

*Maybe...*

   And smiled.

Hmm.

*...and maybe not.*

   "Of course.  It's been many years for you, Tendou-san...
almost as many as it's been for me."

Oh ho! Shame on Nodoka. Not that with Genma as her husband I truly 

blame

her.

*Heh.  First I chain him to a tree, then I kill him, then I skin him and 
turn him into a blanket, and now his widow, who thinks he's still alive, 
is making passes at his best friend!  I never realized just how much 
"Father Figure" affected me....*

   "In many ways, it's a relief, actually.  While I know my
husband is truly a manly man,

<Insert Derisive Snort>

it has been long since I believed
he was honorable in all ways.

And just how gullible were you to ever believe that in the first place?

*Well, she did marry him....*

It is good to see that Ranma has
another role model, one who is manly, and who does not shirk his
obligations."

*Giggle* Oh yes, the manliest of men.

*By her standards, not so far off.*

   "I want you to know, Tendou-san, that-that I want this, too.
When Genma and I are back together, we can't ever speak of it
again,

Unless you cry out 'Soun! Soun!' in the heat of passion.

*snicker*

but... but for now, I want to-to--"  Her voice failed her
with a sharp sob.

   He looked at her, and realized there was no doubt in his own
mind, or his own heart.  He knew there would be problems,
ramifications;  it didn't matter.  He would care for her, and
take her in, and deal with all the rest later.

Ah, a Soun and Nodoka lemon. How long I've waited to see one of 

those...not.

*Lime!  Lime!  Are you trying to get me busted for mislabeling this 
thing?  I'll have the Ralph Nader patrol after me....*

   At least, not until its oversized incisors sank into Soun's
ankle with much more force than would be expected for such a
small pig.

So Ryouga interferes.  Lets see if he  ends up bacon bits or not.

*Well, he is a better fighter than Soun--he's just gotta get to some hot 
water.*

   The part that stopped him cold every time was when they tried
to describe their assailant.  If he understood them correctly,
nearly a dozen of his burliest workers had been taken down by a
sixteen-year-old girl.  Not only that, but she was asking all
sorts of strange, one might even say incomprehensible, questions
about purple cats and ducks with vision problems.

Oh? And just who could this be? An Amazon?

   Just as they began to get the story straight, Ito burst in
and started blabbering about _another_ sixteen-year-old girl,
who apparently was looking for someone, and Oda noted glumly
that the second-hand description of her quarry was a pretty good
match for the first teen terror.  Just as he was beginning to
absorb that piece of delightful news, Ito explained that the new
arrival had evidently taken umbrage at some of the gentle
flirtations of the dockhands.

Two Amazons? Curiouser and curiouser.

*Hmmm.... I'd be more worried about this if more people had indicated 
confusion about it.  #1 is Onna-Ranma, #2 is Akane looking for 
Onna-Ranma.*

   At first Oda was afraid that she was going to contact the
police, but then Ito explained that, no, the young lady was
quite happy to take care of the problem, with the aid of several
large crates that were currently being reduced to kindling over
the laborers' heads.

heh. Sounds like one all right.

   Oda slowly lowered his head into his hands.  He knew, just
knew, that his fingers were going to be lost to writer's cramp
before this day was out.

Heh.

*Well, at least you liked the scene....*

   Ryouga pulled on his clothes hastily.  After he had spoiled
the mood,

You mean they didn't consider using him as a sex toy? Oh wait, this 

isn't an

Oscar fic, never mind.

*erk.  kaff.*

   "Hmmm... We'll return to the subject of your concern for my
daughter's honor in a minute."  Ryouga gulped nervously.  "But
first," continued Soun, "let me make one thing perfectly clear.
Nodoka is a widow.  Granted, a recent widow,

As in the body's stopped being warm about five minutes ago.  Geez. 

Soun's

moving faster than even D'Amour would. (now that is a scary thought)

*He's semi-possessed, weakened from facing the thing down over Kasumi, 
and she made the first move.  Ideal, no, but not totally 
incomprehensible.*

but it follows a
prolonged separation.  There is no dishonor in the two of us
seeking solace in one another's arms."

   "Well, what if she never learns the whole truth?  I mean, we
could tell her that Genma died in the jungles of Vietnam, or
something like that.  We could even tell her he was cremated.
Do you know what happened to... to his remains?"

I know. URK!

*Hee hee.*

   "Heh.  Uh, hi, Akane.  How's things?"

At last. Things appear to be moving along with the introduction of some 

new

players.

*Ummm... Not really.  That was Ranma, with two assists by Akane and one 
by Kasumi.  It does mean that the current crew is starting to be a bit 
more proactive, though.*

  ***********************************************************

                         End Chapter 21

Author's Notes:

Whew!  Kept it all in there.  Even managed to follow my outline,
although a few of the specifics got altered in the translation

>from mind to print (Ranma's activities were originally more

light-hearted, and Soun and Ryouga's confrontation was supposed to
be much more harsh, for instance).

Seemed pretty good to me as is.

Thanks.  The Soun and Ryouga scene was composed five times in my head, 
and still wound up with a more peaceable tone than I expected.

The use of one-shot characters was kind of a new thing for me, so
I'd really like your opinions on that--was it too much, should I get 

rid

of it here, but maybe use it for another story, did it
work for this chapter but not for most others, should I go back
and write the whole story from strangers' perspectives (mind you,
I'm not saying I'm gonna _do_ everything you suggest, but I'd
still like to hear about it).  ^_^

There were a lot of them in this one. Maybe one less would have worked. 

As

to rewrite it from a bunch of strangers perspectives, nah. It would 

just

break the flow if it was overused.

*That was mostly a gag.  Although I keep thinking about the 
possibilities of a Ranma fic written totally from the POV of innocent 
bystanders.*

The outline for 22 is already written, although it will probably need
more tweaking than this one did.  Two, maybe three weeks.  Really.

Can't wait. Nice work, as always.

Thanks.  OTOH, do I need to make those other POV scenes more explicit, 
or was it just the long lag time in producing chapters that made the 
confusion (for instance, not remembering that Happi was dead, so it had 
to be an imposter)?  I'm routing this to the List because I'd like to 
know if anyone else was confused.


Feedback is, as always, gratefully appreciated.

--Freemage

D.B Sommer

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