At long, long last, here's the revised first part of
The Togetherness Factor.  (Rumours of my death have, to
say the least, been a little premature. :-)

Part 2 has already been revised as far as the published
portion, and is forging ahead into new territory.

Anyway, here it is.  Enjoy.  As always, C&C is welcome.

Nice beginning.  Just a couple of comments:

    Akane sat up and leaned against her bed.  "I'm fine,
oneechan.  But... when we were finishing the cookies, Ranma and I
both felt quite ill, and when Ranma stepped out of my room,
pain...  It hurt so much, I couldn't help but cry out.  And then
Ranma touched me on the cheek and the pain went away, like magic."
She stroked her cheek reflectively.  "I didn't know there was a
pain tsubo there.  I've never seen Toufuu-sensei use it, anyway."

    Ranma cleared his throat.  "Ano... Akane?" he said softly,
"the same thing happened to me."  Kasumi stared at him, puzzled.
"When I stepped outside your room, I went to walk away and it hurt
so much I dropped the tray.  But when I touched your cheek to see
if you were all right, the pain disappeared."

[snip]

    There was a pause.  Then Nabiki said, "So... from what you
two are saying, if you get too far apart you start to hurt."

Seems to me that they're putting it together and realising what the
problem is rather too easily.  It's especially odd that once Nabiki
says this, none of them ever question whether it might me anything
else.  I'd have thought that at least one more test would make more
sense before they're convinced.  (Sure, they do a little experimentation
a little later, but they're already certain by then.  I think the
certainty is premature.)

Second point:
If it weren't for the mysterious stranger in the opening scene, I'd
be _really_ suspicious of Kasumi.  (Actually, I'm a little suspicious
of her anyway, but then I usually am when reading fanfics.  Richard
Lawson, among others, has a lot to answer for. :) )  I mean, who else
could have done it?  And her motives would be none but the best ...

Anway, as I said -- a nice beginning, and looking forward to part 2.

Cheers,
Angus


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Angus MacSpon                                                Allen Gainsford
http://shell.ihug.co.nz/~macspon/          http://shell.ihug.co.nz/~macspon/