Almost all of these comments are "IMO, this sounds slightly better",
not actual "errors".

    Kodachi Kunou eyed her brother suspiciously.  She didn't like the 
look in his eyes.  Whenever he looked like that, it meant that he wasn't 
going to be willing to knuckle under to her.  And she needed that right 

her - and

now.  She had arrived home to find things different.  The servants were 
acting scared around her, as if afraid she would discover something.  
And now, seeing her brother acting like this, her fears grew.

different; the (...) something, and

    That was another change that bothered her.  Her brother never 
looked uncertain unless he was having another one of his episodes.  She 

does "another" really fit there?

didn't want that, not now.  She'd just gotten back from another long 
outing, having to deal with teachers and other authority figures making 
her follow their rules.  Now that she was home, she needed her brother 

now; she'd (...) rules, and now that

    He wasn't doing what she wanted.  He was supposed to react 
disdainfully, pull away from her in anger.  Perhaps even recite a 
Shakespearean sonnet or two to show how pure his love was.  But instead 
he just kept giving her that serious look, and was trying to draw in 
closer to her.

anger, perhaps (...) was - but instead, he (..) look, trying to

    Her control was slipping again.  She felt herself getting angry.  
"What's going on?" she asked bluntly.

Her control started slipping again, and she

    Her brother seemed to draw into himself, which gave her a brief 
feeling of satisfaction.  But then he spoke, and that vanished, replaced 
with a growing fear.  A fear that she couldn't seem to shake.

and the feeling vanished, a growing fear replacing it.

    She heard a cry from behind her.  "Kodachi!"  But her brother 
wasn't important now.  He would wait.  What she needed to do now was to 

could, p'raps?

    Kodachi crept silently along the rooftops, heading towards the 
Tendou dojo.  She had never been inside it, of course, but she knew it 
well enough from the times she followed her brother when he came here to 

the times when she had followed her
But then again, that makes two "when" too close. I'm not sure.

    Arriving on top of the Tendou roof, she paused.  Simply attacking 
might not be the best way.  For one thing, she knew Akane Tendou through 
various surveillance she had done on her.  The girl was not the sort to 
seduce her brother.  In fact, the reports she received suggested that 

she had done on the girl. She was not the

seemed to have a number of pits and cracks in them - presumably the 
Tendous were so poor that they could not afford the upkeep on their 
house.  Kodachi gave a snort of disgust.

- the Tendous were probably so poor that

gymnastics training, as she'd never have been able to manage this 

"she'd never have been" sounds slightly bad to me, but since I'm not
sure why, it's possible that it's actually an error on *my* part.

    The other girl giggled again, and Kodachi recognised it as the 
giggle she'd heard earlier.  Odd, from what she'd heard, the eldest 
Tendou sister wasn't the giggling type.

the same giggle (...) Odd; from

    And then he was upon her.  Pulling her down onto the roof, staring 

her, pulling

into her eyes.  His stare was terrifying.  A cold, hard look that spoke 

terrifying; a cold

of repressed anger and rage.  She knew the look very well, of course, 
she had worn it herself on occasion.

course; she

    Then there was something in her head, and protecting her body was 
no longer foremost in her mind.  It crawled along her skull, sifting 

and she no longer cared about protecting her body.

through her memories.  She found herself gagging, trying to get it out, 

memories, and she

    The other people in the room were talking, and Kodachi took their 
speech in, though very little of it meant much to her.  She took a deep 

meant anything to her

    She found herself thinking of her brother once again.  He seemed to 
have thrown off his blanket of madness.  Would he love her anymore?  
Would he want her anymore?  Was that genuine emotion, or just a product 
of their tortured psyches.  She certainly loved him.  At least she 

psyches?

    She smiled to herself.  Well, perhaps I do still feel something 
after all.  She began to giggle, watching her hands continue to drip 

cut the "do" (...) something, after all

    In fact, it was worse.  He was calling her Kodachi, and giving her 
a look that could almost be described as smouldering.  She'd always 
loved his eyes, with that heavy-lidded look that all Kunous possessed.  
It leant an air of the seducer to him, something he tried to take 

it leant him the air of a seducer

    "Why would that change what I feel for you?  Listen to me, Kodachi, 
and please take this to heart.  I am your brother, and you are my 
sister.  I will always love you.  We have endured too much together to 
abandon each other.  Do you understand?"

perhaps "Don't you undestand?" ?

    Kodachi arrived at her pride and joy.  The black roses that had 
become so much a part of her life that eventually she had taken their 
name as their own.  They were so much like herself in some ways.  
Thought of as a darker counterpoint to the more popular red variety, yet 

joy, the black
ways; thought

    A bloom was crushed in her hands, and Kodachi stepped back, waiting 
until she had stopped shaking.  She did not wish to cause any more harm 
to her roses.

"A bloom crumbled in her hands"; or something to that effect. "was 
crushed" feels very clumsy here, IMO.

    Nonetheless, it would appear that certain subjects were still not 
safe to think about.  So she put it out of her head and moved on further 
down the garden path.

about, so she

    Putting her hands to her temples, Kodachi decided this was another 
subject to put off until a later time.  For now she would continue to 

decided that this subject, too, would be best to put off until a
later time.

    Midorigame rose to the top of the pond as she sat on its edge, and 
she patted him on the nose.  Midorigame was something else that she had 

was another thing that

chosen for herself when...not in the best frame of mind.  Certainly 
having an alligator as a pet, especially one that was as brusque towards 
visitors as he, made her laugh.

Certainly, having

    She suddenly felt dizzy, and had to put her hand against the wall 

Suddenly, she felt dizzy,

to steady herself.  She should stay in the garden more often; the moment 
she had felt her head felt fuzzy again, and her train of thought began 

"the moment she had felt her head felt fuzzy again" ... huh? The moment
felt fuzzy? Even if I might picture a fuzzy-feeling moment, I can't
quite get that sentence to make sense.

    She staggered, and put out a toe to steady herself.  Growling, she 
went back to the edge of the room and started over, visualising her path 
in front of her.  She should have known better than to try and think of 
such things while she was practising.  She looked over to the rack in 

practicing, innit?

    And so she'd followed the path of her brother, and began training 

So she'd

    Kodachi, however, was not one to be stopped by normal means.  She'd 
found ways of making herself the best once more.  Hoops ringed with 
razor edges, a group of girls loyal to her who could adjust the ring if 
need be.  And of course, there was nothing in the rules that said that 
the contestants couldn't settle things before the fight.

be, and

    And so gradually she reached the top again, leaving a long line of 

And so, gradually, she

know, Brother.  I knew about sex, but I'd never had any experience until 
you."

"before you"?

    "I was expecting you to try and stop me, to tell me that I was 

"try to stop me", or maybe "to try stopping me" to avoid to to to to;
at any rate, "try and stop me" is bloody !%!"% wrong...

    It was becoming very difficult now to keep her mind on her story, 
but she did so.  "I was afraid at first.  I kept stroking it, watching 

but she managed.

it get even bigger.  I wondered how big you were going to get, it didn't 
seem like it was going to stop.  And then I finally got up the courage 

get - it

    "Then I took the tip into my mouth, and you cried out.  I liked 
that a lot, getting you to lose control like that.  I was always the one 
who lost control.  I couldn't take you all in...I still can't.  But I 
wanted to.  I wanted to be able to take you inside of me.  And so I 
moved up and down, taking more and more of you into my mouth, until I 
was almost choking."

Gah.

One thing that comes to mind here is that if this was "a few years ago",
well, they'd *both* have to rather ... young. I cannot easily picture
that; especially, I have trouble forming the mental image of a girl
of, say, 10-11 commenting on a boy of 12-13 having an "impressive
size"... that's like my youngest brother; feels waaay wrong, and
that's not because of the incestous or pedophilic factor.

...

...

...

The last conversation between Kasumi and Kodachi doesn't feel quite
natural, though I'm not sure I can put my finger on why.

Egaah. Heavy.

Oh, and if this is a mindless (no pun intended) mind-control lemon
authored by a degenerate pervert freak, then I'm Winnie the Pooh.
(admittedly, I like honey, and I'm a bit absent-minded at times,
but then, I didn't say you're *fully* sane)

Part 5 will be Ranma-less, as our little group of maladjusted young 
people tries to figure out what happened to him, what to do about it, 
and whether they *should* do anything about it.  Hopefully, Akane will 
be the star of that part, although I will continue the Kunou/Kodachi/ 
Kasumi plot.

... and seeing as how it's been almost two months since this part
was posted, shouldn't it be about time for the next one to
appear now, eh, eh? ^_-

And yeah, that was Shampoo at the end.  Surprise, surprise...^_^

Wah; I don't even want to *think* of what the amazons would be like
in a world like this ... or what they would think of Ranma's
actions...


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