AUTHOR'S PRENOTES:

Booya! Man did I ever get a lot of help on this one! Thanks to everyone who sent ideas. If
You didn't get them in in time for this post, don't worry: I'm bound to add surprises in later.

OK, and the characters in this fic belong to several dozen people, one of whom I am not.
Don't sue I'm broke as is :)

Oh, and sorry Miss Califf..no yaoi :)

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Slashfest 98! 

A silly crossover fic by Tom Hrabchak (ravenm@voicernet.com)
All chars/rights owned by other people

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<Let the battle begin...>

  " Who IS this voiceover guy anyway? He gives me the creeps!" asks a young woman in
a snappy school uniform, holding a shining sabre in her hand. Her pink hair floats behind her in the 
breeze, for a striking effect. At least, until she shuts off the industrial strength hair
dryer that was blowing on her. (As seen in 'Spaceballs'! get yours today only $29.95 creds)

<You'll find out soon enough, Ms. Utena..soon enough>

(cue dramatic music..dun-dun duuuuhh!)

   "Ugh" Utena groans. "How cliched!" She adjusts a small ring on her finger, then glances
over to the fellow ladies in the room. They are as follows:

   Utena, Revolutionary duelist
   Umi, fencing warrior of Cephiro
   Hikaru, Kendo artist and friend of Umi
   Ellis, green-haired, a master of knife-fighting
   Sophitia, blonde Grecian priestess
   Haruka Tenoh, aka Sailor Uranus, Outer Senshi and bearer of the Space Sword.

   Small crowd. This was a men's game..but the ladies intended to win.

   "Oh! I can't WAIT to see who I'm paired against" cries Umi. "I hope it's Ferio..
or maybe Allen...oh I just can't decide!!" She giggles, a sound stifled as Haruka
throws a pillow at her.
   Ms. Tenoh, a striking woman with short blond hair and almost boyish features, glares
at Umi angrily. "Quit with the boy-chasing already! You're giving me a headache. Besides,
why would you want to fight these guys? Don't you like them?" Umi nods and sighs from
under her pillow. "Yes, but I just wanna be close to them..the flashing blades, bodies
pressed close...."
   "Any further and this will be a lemon fic," warned Sophitia. Umi pouted.

    Just then, a loud banging was heard on the door. Elena of Midgar, one of the female 
announcers, walked in with a small envelope. Which she then handed to Utena. "Your
assignments ladies..knock 'em dead for us girls! With a quick smile and a giggle, she was 
off. The gang crowded around Utena to get a look, excitedly searching for their names, and 
thier first opponents. A voice was heard above all the others:

"UGH! Not that hentai Kuno!"

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   Meanwhile, the men of Slashfest '98 were busy in the changing area, comparing their tools.

"Mine's bigger," said Cloud. 

"No, mine is," replied Donovan.

Ryo sighed. They had been doing this for hours. Then Sage piped in:

"Yeah, but look at the shape of mine! It'll thrust better than either of yours anyday!"

Gourry just looked sad. "Mine's so..plain..why can't I have one like yours D?"

"Become the bastard child of an undead nightmare and an unfortunate mortal, and you
get..endowed..with this." The Dhampir offered.

"Gee! Thanks buddy! I'll go out and do that, as soon as the tournament's over!" Gourry smiled.

Yamamoto decided a YEAR locked in a room with Captain Tylor was better than this.

Tenchi blushed. At least these guys didn't make as much a fuss over his as Ryoko had.

Just then, a knock came at this door as well. Dex walked in, watching the men gloat over
thier gifts, and which was best. Eiji offered, "It's not the size of it, but how you use it"...
he got laughed into a stony silence for having such a thin one. Ryo thought of mentioning he
had two, but they'd give him more ribbing over that. "So Ryo...what does Mia think of that?" 
They'd ask, laughing. Sephiroth and Kamui just stood smugly above it all, as they had the
package, the clothes, and the cool hair. Saucer was busy kissing himself in the mirror, while
Juubei, Fuuma, and Allen got into a discussion over Eastern vs. Western schools of 
thought on the topic. Kuno was busy,putting a shine on his wood. Kenshin was admiring everyone's, but 
still thought his was the best in secret. But if he could just touch Cervantes'..the pirates' 
seemed so intriguing and foreign. Cervantes himself was stroking his pieces over and over, and 
murmuring about how nice it would be to date that Sung Mina woman. Lantis and Duke Rambert were
boasting of monsters they had used theirs on. 

Dex cleared his throat nervously. "Um..excuse me.." he began.

They ignored him.

"Um..please..I need your attention.."

They stubbornly refused to not see the little nearly-bald blue-haired alien ad exec.

"HEY! QUIT PLAYING WITH YOUR SWORDS AND PAY ATTENION!" He yelled. They stopped, sheathed thier
blades almost all at once, and watched him.

(Scene shift: a small bedroom on Earth. A young man cackles as the audence mass-facefaults. 
"What? Did ya think I was doing a Yaoi fic? don't be silly!")

"OK LISTEN UP!! I mean, Ok, listen up," Dex began, handing an envelop to Kenshin. "Here's the 
list for the first round of battle. Show's on in five folks..better get ready"

As they all crowded around him, one voice could be heard above the rest:

"AAAAAALLLLLLRIGHT!!!!! I get the cute one!!"

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(Switch to camers rolling. A series of credits appear on the screen.)

WKRP Sin-sin Aticus IV, 
The friendliest transdimensional family violence channel in 14 universes, 
Presents your your viewing pleasure,
SLASHFEST 98!!!!

(corny battle music akin to the 'American Gladiators' theme cuts in)

<"Tonight, 26 of the greatest swords...um..persons battle, to the 'almost but not quite
so we can bring them back next season' death, in front of a occasionally live 
studio audience! (No disrespect to the living impaired, Mr. Alucard)">

<"This battle royale was brought to you by the number 42 and US Manga corps: 
 'Dub with us! We reduce your life's work to 90 senseless minutes of agony!'">

<"And here's tonight's host and hostess, The Jusenkyo Guide and Honey Kisaragi!">
    
   "Thanks," Honey began. Then was shouted down as the entire male audience, and a couple
of the women, chanted, "Kawaru i yo! Honey Flash!* " Honey blushed and handed the mic 
to TJG, who bowed and wiped his forehead.
  "Ah, wery good you here. Herro, wercome to srashfest 9 8. Here we watch many peopor
srash one other up with big sharp things! Hooray!"

(Audience finished translating that and cheers.)

  Honey walks back in. This time she's Nurse Honey, complete with a BIG needle. "Next one
to suggest I change gets a anti-hentai booster.." she giggles, winking. Go Nagai weeps 
from his position in the audience. No gratuitous nudity tonight..

[Author's note: I'm gonna get it for that one :) ]

  Honey continues, "Now that that's over, let's meet our commentators for the first round.
First the play-by-play, brought to you by Ryo-oh-ki!"
  "Miaw!"
  "Then the color commentary, brought to us by Belldandy!"
  "Oh my! Hello everyone! Are we ready to grumble yet?"
   
  (cue card flashes past Ms. Bell-chan. She smiles and corrects herself.)

  (As Bell's voice  is dubbed over by a massive booming male...)

  Belldandy smiles wider. "I mean, "ARE WE READY TO RUMBLE?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!???" 

  (Dubbing provided by Kami-sama himself, master of the booming voice. The audience
   roars.)

  "I didn't know I had it in me," The young Goddess said, staring at her hands.

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Lemme know whatcha think!

Ja NE!



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                       "If pain tells us we're alive,
                           what does apathy say?"

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