Yeah, it's been ... a while since you posted this. :-) There might quite
possible be a few comments before already made by others, since the
slight "delay" also means I've missed those.

	Tendo Nabiki walked past the line of people, paying little
attention to the noisy hubbub of their conversation, pulling open one of

"conversation as she pulled open" IMO

	The usual guard sat at the security desk in front of the
elevator. "Mornin', Ms. Tendo," he said. Nabiki scrawled her signature
into the daily log. UCF's money-making activities included, in addition
to anything else one might care to name, the design and manufacture of

"In addition to anything else one might care to name, UCF's money-making
activities included the design..."

	"Hope you have a good day upstairs, ma'am." The guards that
worked down here actually had no idea what went on up in the executive
offices, nor did they ever really seem to care. Nabiki sometimes joked
to herself that she could be plotting the domination of the world
upstairs, and all they would want to know would be whether they'd still
get paid.

You mean she ISN'T plotting the domination of the world? :-)

	The elevator doors swooshed open, and Nabiki entered, touching
the button for her floor. The doors slid closed, and the car rapidly
rose toward the top. Much like she herself had done. She knew that a lot

IMO "top; much" or "top - much".

was in a job superior

"had a job" or possibly "held a job" sounds better, IMO

	There was no question that she had earned her position; the
company had the profits to prove it. Still, many of them constantly kept
their eyes on her, just waiting for her to slip up. That wasn't going to
happen. She couldn't let it. There was a dream at stake, her vision of a
time when things would be better.

"That wasn't going to happen, though." or "That, though, wasn't"

	She exited the elevator and walked down the paneled corridor
toward her office, all the while going over in her mind the various
projects that would be needing her attention, thinking of every
different contingency that might arise. It was rare that anything could
happen around UCF without Nabiki having planned for it.

Hm. I just can't agree with the "that anything could happen" wording
(though I might be reading it the wrong way). "for anything to happen"
or "Rarely did anything happen"?

	"Oh yeah." Nabiki stepped back and looked at her older sister.
Her hair was a bit longer than before, but in the same style, passing
neatly through a bow and spreading out over her back like a cloak. She
wore a light summer dress with a flower pattern. She still had the same

pattern, and (she) still

radiant smile. But something seemed different. Maybe it was her eyes.
They had a depth to them, as if the Kasumi that Nabiki was seeing was
only the tip of a very deep iceberg.

eyes; they

	"Oh yeah, Akane called yesterday and told me a little about it."
A new military dictatorship controlled parts of China. The Amazons
expected to be attacked. "I've got some time off saved up. I'll see what

China, and the Amazons expected

	"Oh, don't worry. Why don't we meet for lunch at noon. I saw a

"Why don't we meet for lunch at noon?" is a question. ,-)

	"Okay, Mommy." She wasn't sure whether she really believed it or
not, but when a parent promised something you had to take them at their
word.

Hmpfh. No, you bloody hell didn't. :-)

	She spotted Kasumi sitting at a picnic table, who eagerly waved
her over. "Hello, Nabiki!" she said excitedly, as if they hadn't just

What, the picnic table waved Nabiki over? Something feels wrong here... :-)

	"Why, in your apartment, of course." Kasumi's smile widened
slightly. "It was so clean! You take such good care of it!"

	"I have a cleaning service that comes in twice a week."

	"Oh."

"Oh" can mean a lot of different things depending on the tone with
which it is spoken, and I can't help but wonder what *kind* of "oh" this is.
In this situation, I could see it about as well as either a neutral,
unloaded "oh, I see" "oh", or a disappointed "oh, you *should* do it
yourself" "oh"...

	The tiny, unnamed temple stood atop a small hill at the end of a
dirt road. A dense woods stretched out behind it, while farmland

Can you really say "a woods"?

surrounded it on the other sides. The simple stone building lacked any
of the ornateness of the temples Kasumi had seen back in Tokyo; it could
have been mistaken for a farmhouse.

Better without "any of", IMO.

sensei! It's a beautiful day outside!"Kaede had been teaching her the

!" K

	She let those thoughts float free and returned to her breathing.
Each breath was like a wave on the ocean, water flowing gently to and

>from the shore over and over in a ceaseless rhythm. Her muscles relaxed.

Her mind stretched, twisting and expanding until she was looking down on
herself. Her body melted away from her perceptions. Unencumbered by form

relaxed, as her mind

Her body slowly melted away? Quickly? Elsewise?

	"Mommy, are you really here?"

Hm. Should there really have been a scene-break there? (Nevermind
that I accidentaly deleted it from my quoting)

	"Of course I am, Kasumi-chan. I've been with you all the time,
helping you as much as I could. I'm so glad I can finally talk with you

Egaah. "helping" and "could" sounds like a not-perfect-fit-combination
to me, but I can't think of anything better without making it
to complicated, like "as much as I've been able to" or so.

again. I'm so proud of you. So proud of the way you kept our family
together after I had to go."

"of you - so (...) go!" imo

	"I know, Mommy. But I'm tired."

Mommy, but

[fighting-spirits-in-clothes-scene]

Hm. I really must ask "Why?"; Why give Kasumi a way of holding
her own in a fight?


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