Dewin:

Just finished putting up Chapter Eleven up on the site.

A wee bit of feedback follows:

- Ranma - Tapestry on the wall -
^~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~^
I am alone!
 No one can defeat me.
 no on ever has
 sometimes they may beat me
 but in the end I'll kick their ass
I am alone!
 I'll defeat any foe
 What good does it do me?
 if it's all that I know=20
I am alone!
 It's lonely at the top
 looking at the people down there
 sometimes I wish I could just hop
                And no longer be stuck up here.
^~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~^

These intros are great--they really make the fic, for me at least.

-COOOMMMEE BAAACK HEEERRREE!

*You can just imagine the number of times he's woken up in a cold sweat, 
Happi's voice still echoing from some ill-remembered dream....*

--

-Water, always water! For one single time, just once, I would like 

to=20

stay dry!

-Nnyaaa!

*tchlomp,tchlomp,tchlomp*

They walked into the house.

This was one of the few times I've had trouble telling who was in the 
scene--at first I thought it was Ranma doing the running.

--

-The master must know nothing of this. I'm doing this for Kodachi.=20
Please, I need you'r help!

Nabiki ran her hand through a part of her hair and let a grin work 

it's=20

way onto her face.
-How much are you paid, excactly?

*Heh.  The mind boggles.*

-Shampoo, does Ranma have anything to do with this.=20
She moved her hand around, taking in all of her surroundings.
The cat nodded happily.
Akane flared a bright blue and spoke in strained voice.
-WHERE... IS... HE... NOW!

The cat calmly shrugged and continued to grin.
Moments later, the cat was alone, it purred happily to itself and 

walked=20

over to the kitchen.

The cat's lucky it wasn't included in the meal....

He took his arm out of his blanket and stroked his chin in a 

thoughtful=20

manner. Looking cosely at the little cabit that had snuggled up 

beside=20

the redhead on the floor.

*Question:  Would you like the "Cabbit Bar" Graphic (the one one the 
main page of my Fanfiction area) to run along the bottom of your fic 
chapters, maybe after the story but before the Author's Notes?  Just a 
thought.*

She began doing cartweels in the restaurant, neatly avoiding all the=20
chairs and tables that came in her way.

-I'm gonna win, I'm gonna win, I'm gonna win! She cheered.

*Oy, vey.  She just don't get it, do she?*

-NO, Ryouga you've made your pillow, now you 're going to have to lie
down on it.

-Huh?
He eased up on his end of the tugging match.

-I mean, you have made your mess, now you wallow in it.
Ryouga got a blank look on his face and walked up beside her.

*Ack!  Are you trying to say that Ryouga's sister is actually... Sailor 
Venus?!*

-Oh, be quiet. She said as she snagged away his umbrella.

A loud bweeeee could be heard when she picked him up.

*OOoohhh... she fights dirty.  I think I could be in love....*

*Just a quick comment to say that I like the dream sequences!*

Kasumi  quietly walked out into the kitchen.
(What ever happened to simple life, eeeh Ranma? Why couldn't dad 

just=20

*This was a little unclear as to who was thinking it--at first, I 
thought you had just gotten Kasumi horribly OOC.  Maybe an extra space, 
or even a quick phrase, to let us know that you've switched focus?*

have let go of all that nonsense and come home before it was to late? 

Or=20

instead, couldn't mom's family have been a little bit more 

"normal"?)=20

He looked down at the redhead that was lying on the floor and 

sighed.=20

(If you liked Kuno in this world as well I would at least know that 

I=20

*ERK!!*

was close. I bet that was a fluke though, my whole world was a FLUKE)

Ranma opened her eyes with a shoot and looked down at the horror in 

her=20

arms.
-Yaaah! She screamed and jumped backwards.

*For the record, I think you've Ranma's likely reaction to the Cabbit 
down very nicely, especially since those dream-sequences should be 
having _some_ effect.*

Kasumi came back out with a tray of plates.
Her eyes met with a pair of sad equals who where at about ground level.
-Hmm, I guess not.

*Oopsie.*

--
*One of the most stupid things you can say since a cabbit is never 

ONLY=20

a cabbit but in fact the Swiss army knife of the animal kingdom. Hey=20
look, it slices, it dices, It shoots laserbeams and it's a nifty way 

of=20

getting from place to place.=20
**Let's see, what does it say in the note above, hmm, oh yeah, It 

shoots=20

LASERBEAMS!! Can it get more dangerous?
--
             ---
Can you see the red thread,
the yellow or the blue?

Can you see the green one
inbetween the two?

Take a look at all of it.
Can you see it too?

It all forms a tapestry.
A tapestry for you

             <Dewin Duvae>
             ---

Authors (huge) notes:

Am I a good writer and should I continue?

Yes, definitely, until you feel the story's run itself out.

The question is really, why so many jumps in the story and does anybody 

really understand what I'm writing about?

Improving the Story.

*To be frank, for the most part, you're doing a fairly good job without 
guidance.  The later paragraph in this segment shows you know the areas 
you need work on (and frankly, some of those are minor).  It can be 
tough for folks to give advice in that situation.

The structure does take a little getting used to, especially the 
non-linear flow of events.  As the picture becomes clearer, I think I 
get it:  You've mixed several different ideas (Ukyou getting the Nanban 
Mirror, a dimension-hopping Ryouga clone and a sister for our Ryouga) 
and used them to create a single tangled skein.  Overall, very clever, 
and not an easy story to tell.

I think the best thing I can say to people who might have been confused 
in early chapters is Hang in there.  As you read more of it, things 
become clearer.  I myself have gotten much more out of the story just 
from rereading chapters as I put them up on the website.*

=85names before the lines (someone actually wrote to me about this, 

a=20

noisy THANK you to you! I never thought that it could be percieved as 

a=20

problem. I do want to keep the namelessnes in there though, because 

it=20

gives a sort of an effect.

*It's a little unusual, but I like the effect too, especially for this 
story.  You just need to be sure it's clear who is speaking (at least, 
clear unless you want the reader in the dark--a technique I've used a 
couple of times in Illuminations.*

 If more people write in and complain about it=20

I might change my mind. But I seriously like the effect, i e words 

taken=20

freely out of thin air) spelling mistakes, (foood for one, even if 

that=20

perticular one was intended) and out of character behaviour.

*Shameless plug here, folks:  Many of the spelling errors have been 
cleaned up in the Website version--if you find any others, let me know!*

http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Corridor/9118/EastWindow/Eastwindow.html

The OOC is something that I deem important. So if you think that 

Ranma=20

is way too easygoing around the cabbit or he really shouldn't hold it 

at=20

all (even if he wasn't aware of what it looked like at the moment)=20
PLEASE TELL ME! Now I think I've babbled long enough, may the guest 

come=20

forth.=20

*Frankly, your characterization has been pretty much spot-on, or in 
cases where characters have a wide range of possible portrayals, you've 
fallen well within the bounds of plausibility.*

*tadaa*

*I like the guest bits, and I think the occasional "-Nyaaa!" works just 
fine.*

*tadadaa*

Ooooh what a nice script, I'll call you Jean Claude.=20
What a nice computer, I'll name you Dewi.=20
I love this power cord, I'll call you---

*snicker*

--Freemage

Looking forward to your return.

Duvae@hotmail.com
(Thank the creator for backup batteries and backup savings. BTW I'll=20
have you all know that Dewi is the way they pronounced David in old=20
bretogne in France, and yes it has a lot to do with Dewin)

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