"Freemage ." <freemage@hotmail.com> wrote:

  Akane sorted through her sister's room, causally putting the
occasional stray fashion magazine away in their bins and setting

Number mismatch. Should say "its bin" rather than "their bins."

  Finishing her task, she tucked the disk into her brassiere and
took the vase down to the bathroom to be refilled.

Um... whatever happened to pockets? I know these discs are supposed to
be "floppy" but somehow I don't think this would work unless this Akane
is the Gainax version.

   It was just too much for him to try and fathom.  Looking at
the position of the moon, he realized that everyone at the
Tendou's should be asleep.  Eager for an excuse to get out

Tendous'

   Shrugging with the carefree attitude that comes from no
longer giving a damn, she pulled her mother's gift, a Panda-skin
blanket, around herself to ward off the chilly night, and
slipped into the turbulent waters of her dreams.

Nice ironic touch. I like it. (And I'm not a Genma-basher.)

Overall, this was good, though a little slow in spots... you could
probably shorten or cut some of the early/middle scenes. Assuming that
we're headed towards the ending, I think the characters are taking
things a little too lightly. They need to be less concerned with who's
cooking and more worried about who's been bumping people off.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics