"Freemage ." <freemage@hotmail.com> wrote:

  Akane sorted through her sister's room, causally putting the
occasional stray fashion magazine away in their bins and setting

Number mismatch. Should say "its bin" rather than "their bins."

Damn.  I'm usually good with that stuff.  Will fix.

  Finishing her task, she tucked the disk into her brassiere and
took the vase down to the bathroom to be refilled.

Um... whatever happened to pockets? I know these discs are supposed to
be "floppy" but somehow I don't think this would work unless this Akane
is the Gainax version.

*I'm trying to picture Akane's day-clothes--do her outfits usually have 
pockets?  If so, I'll fix it.  I was picturing her wearing a dress for 
Nabiki's return.  And she just wants to keep it out of sight until she 
can stash it in her room.  Believe me, it's amazing what you can hide 
under clothing for a brief period.*

   It was just too much for him to try and fathom.  Looking at
the position of the moon, he realized that everyone at the
Tendou's should be asleep.  Eager for an excuse to get out

Tendous'

*D'oh!!*

   Shrugging with the carefree attitude that comes from no
longer giving a damn, she pulled her mother's gift, a Panda-skin
blanket, around herself to ward off the chilly night, and
slipped into the turbulent waters of her dreams.

Nice ironic touch. I like it. (And I'm not a Genma-basher.)

*You know, I wasn't either, until after I started writing this thing.  
It just became so easy to drag the schlep down.  Although I'm not sure 
"ironic" was what I was aiming for--"horrific", maybe.  That's her Pop 
she's wrapped in, after all.*

Overall, this was good, though a little slow in spots... you could
probably shorten or cut some of the early/middle scenes. Assuming that
we're headed towards the ending, I think the characters are taking
things a little too lightly. They need to be less concerned with who's
cooking and more worried about who's been bumping people off.

Easily my biggest concern.  I think this is the second or third time 
you've done that in this long, wierd trip.  I will look and see what I 
might cut.  In any case, I will probably be moving the phone 
conversation at the beginning of this chapter to the end of 19--it will 
help balance out the lengths of both, and isn't really specific to 
either.

As always, thanks for the feedback!  Now, when are we gonna see some 
Holiday HaM?

--Freemage

Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics

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