On Wed, 23 Dec 1998, Freemage . wrote:

OK, just finished the parts posted to-date, so I figured a quick C&C was 
in order:

  You know, I like this framework, but I'm not as sure that the main 
story actually follows the implications of the prologue.  The initial 
structure made it seem like Akane was going to be using these excerpts 
as a guide for improving her relationship with Ranma--but in many cases, 
Akane's had little or nothing to do with much of it.
  Rather, the events seem to simply align with the appropriate excerpt 
on their own.  IMNSHO, this is actually a good thing--outside of a few 
rare depictions, Akane makes a poor puppeteer.  But perhaps the intro 
should be rewritten to get rid of that initial impression.  Maybe one of 
the other characters could simply be reading the book?  I don't know for 
sure, but I felt I should comment on it.

Thanks for the perspective.  It does appear that I need to make the intro
more clear, and perhaps rewrite the excerpts.  The book isn't an
instruction manual per se; it's a seed that gives Akane the idea that she
can get what she wants by "taming" Ranma rather than waiting (impatiently)
for him to stumble into it.  It's also a literary gimmick to tie the
chapters together. 

    Genma and Soun picked themselves up and looked up at Ranma.
"Get down here, you ungrateful boy," Genma commanded.  "We're not
through celebrating yet."

*Very well-written scene.  I could see it playing out, as if in the 
anime.*

I was seeing manga pages, myself.  :)  If my skills ran in that direction,
TotH would be a doujinshi, not a story.  Sigh.

    "I CAN'T STAND SEEIN' YOU GET HURT!  I'D RATHER GET HIT
MYSELF THAN LET ANYTHIN' HIT YOU!"  Ranma's shout echoed in the
garden.  He looked astonished at what he'd just admitted.

*Chuckle.  I like how you've handled these slips and blow-ups.  Just the 
right amount of Freudian comedy.*

It's amazing how stress brings out the real Ranma, isn't it?

    Akane rolled her eyes.  "Oh, please.  I like your mother,
but you can't tell me she doesn't get crazy ideas too."

*"And Winner of the Understatement of the Year Award for 1998 goes 
to...."*

Heh.  I like Nodoka.  She's wacky.  :)

    Akane put her fists on her hips.  "I'm not doing that!
People will see up my skirt!"

*This whole scene was very well handled, showing how Ranma needs to 
break down Akane's preconceptions before he can really crack open her 
skill level.*

Then I succeeded.  It's darn near impossible to teach someone who won't
admit they have anything to learn from you, and Akane had to overcome that
before she had any chance of learning from Ranma.  Once past that, all
kinds of useful-to-the-story stuff starts happening.

    Shampoo looked cutely disappointed when Ranma made the usual
complaints and attempts to pry her off, rather than breaking out
into a nosebleed or any of the other signs of enthusiasm.  She
turned her head to Akane without letting go of Ranma and winked.
"Just checking.  Still not ready yet.  How about you?  You ready
for rematch?  No?"

*You know, I kind of hope this is one of those areas you told Gary that 
characters were getting wrong.  (I know the original conversation was 
about Kasumi, but I figure the overall analysis probably applies to 
other characterisations as well.)  I just don't find the idea that Ranma 
isn't really interested in girls in a romantic fashion to be totally 
plausible--he reacts too much to Shamps' and Dohchi's passes for me to 
accept that.  OTOH, I could see how Shampoo could make that 
misinterpretation, considering her own culture.*

He is romantically interested in girls.  They just fluster the heck out of
him, perhaps because he knows, on some level, that he just doesn't have
the social skills needed to cope with them.  It's sex he's afraid of.  If
the manga has a scene in it that can only be construed as arousal on
Ranma's part, I don't know about it.  The poor guy just never seems to get
a nosebleed.

Shampoo construes his (lack of) response as meaning that he's still at the
girls=icky stage of male development, and she's wrong.  Just because I
wrote it for her doesn't mean I believe it.  ;)

Kasumi will be wrong about him again at the beginning of Chapter 7, in a
scene which, if feedback to date is any indication, will drive some people
up the wall.  I'm cringing already.

    "Ranma, you baka, why didn't you hit her?!  If you hit her
as hard as you hit me, she'd... be..."  Akane trailed off and
looked around at her fellow students, who were listening intently
with their jaws hanging.  She flushed.

*Ahem.  The proper response for Ranma here is:  "Well, actually, she'd 
be twice as bound to marry me, you stupid tomboy!  That's how I got inta 
this mess in the first place, remember?"*

That's the old Ranma.  By this point in TotH, Ranma knows he loves Akane,
he just doesn't know what to do about it.  Between that, the pressure from
the parents being off, and Akane being nicer to him, his rough edges are
smoothing.

    "Guilt," Kasumi repeated.  "If it's what I think it is, he
feels guilty when he hits you, until you punish him by hitting
him.  It's the same when he does something to make you mad; once
you hit him, he doesn't feel as guilty."

    Akane digested this.  "Eeew," she said finally.  "That fits,
though."

    "Well, you'll have to be careful.  After all, you don't want
him to think of you as a mother figure.  That would be... a whole
other set of problems."

*Yeah, you don't want to get nothing but katanas for Christmas....*

I meant Kasumi to be partly referring to herself, but yeah, your way works
just as well.  3-way ambiguity.  Splendid.  :) 

BTW, I think Kasumi is wrong here, at least about the second part.  My
take is that Ranma likes yelling and hitting because it's a form of social
interaction he's comfortable with, or at least used to.  Physical pain
just doesn't have the same meaning to him that it does to us.

    Ranma looked around the dojo desperately.  His eyes, the
eyes of a trapped animal, fastened onto the bucket of water.

    Splash!  "Aiya!"  "Oh, dear."  "Rats!"

*Oooohhhh.... This is gonna be painful.*

You betcha.  That's why the curtain dropped then.  Some things are better
left to the imagination.

All in all, and excellent read.  I've really enjoyed it so far, and will 
be following the remainder of the tale as it is posted.  Your sense of 
pacing is excellent--no spots where the story drags or slips by too 
quickly.

I tried to pace it really fast, because the darn thing is a lot longer
than I thought it was going to be, and I had a lot of ground to cover, and
I didn't want to wear out my audience.  I don't think I can pace it any
faster, but if I need to slow down, tell me where....

One grammar punctuation nit:

An ellipses (...) is not considered a "full stop" (the role taken by a 
period, exclamation point or question mark).  Therefore, when you use it 
to indicate a trailing off at the end of a quote, it still needs the 
additional punctuation:  

   "Ranma, you baka, why didn't you hit her?!  If you hit her as hard as 
you hit me, she'd... be...."

Note the fourth period after "be".  There has been some... vigorous 
debate about the proper punctuation of an ellipses at the end of a quote 
if a direct attribution follows the quote.  Consider the following:

       "Ranma, I'm in love with Ryouga," Akane said.

Now, if we have her voice trail off at the end, we have two options:

Option 1) "Ranma, I'm in love with your father...," Akane said.
Option 2) "Ranma, I'm in love with Happousai..." Akane said.           

I've advocated Option 1, others have made sensible arguments on behalf 
of Option 2.  One thing we have agreed on is that in most circumstances, 
you should go with Option 3:  Rewrite the f#$ker, making it an indirect 
attribution.

Option 3)
  "Ranma, I'm in love with the sidewalk-washing woman...."  Akane's 
voice trailed off as she contemplated her heart's desire.

Thank you for the lesson.  This is a convention of which I was unaware.
I'll try to get these incorporated into my wetware ASAP.

--Freemage

Thank you for your comments!  You have been very helpful, and I hope to
hear from you again.

Since this is going to the FFML as well, I'll take this opportunity to say
that I am thrilled with the quantity and quality of the feedback I've been
getting.  Many people have written me many things about TotH; the praise
has been encouraging, and the criticism has ALL been polite,
thought-provoking, and generally useful.  You people are wonderful. 

I hope to rise to the challenge to use all this to improve ToTH
significantly. 

Vince Seifert    Network Analyst     seifertv@csus.edu
http://webpages.csus.edu/~seifertv/  updated 1998Jun04
CSUS hired me to build their network, not to speak for the university.