Merry Christmas All,
I was reading a Christmas Carol rant my friend wrote and was wondering how
I could incorporate it into an Anime fic... What
I came up with was what follows. I have not spell-checked this
but there should not be too many problems.
My friend Zed2xs wrote the actual Christmas Carol Rant so that is his
copyright. I can only take responsibility for the stuff that lies before
and after the segregated lines.
Uh, without further adieu...I bid thee Merry Christmas... and don't take
this too seriously. <G>
Warr
An EVA Christmas Carol Conspiracy
Ritsuko sat listlessly in front of her computer while thinking of the
"wonderful" Holiday Season.
'Why do I always get depressed this time of year?' she wondered. 'There has
to be something I can do that will cheer me up.
'Those Americans always sing Christmas Carols and seem happy but... those
lyrics are just depraved. Aha! I can analyze their songs and show those
would be carolers just how corrupt their songs truly are."
With that, Ritsuko began to type:
------------------
The Christmas Carol Conspiracy
Long have I felt that there was something fundamentally wrong with the
"cheerful" music of the holidays. Only recently was I able to prove through
incontestable research that these so called "Sounds of the Seasons" are
nothing more than a cleverly hidden agenda of pro-fascist dogma and evil.
My case as follows.
Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer
The sickness and depravity of this song brings bile to my palette. That
Rudolf is depicted as "freakish" by the other reindeer is only worsened by
their taunts and jibs and bad natured sports-person-ship. It is obvious
that the song is urging those who are differently gifted to conform to the
quasi-fascism of American society. Only by finding purpose in this sick
twisted system (of which Santa most clearly depicts the oligarchy. His no
doubt gold plated sleigh filled with toys) do the reindeer come to love
him. This song clearly informs the listener that only by being like
everyone else can they have purpose.
Frosty the Snowman
How this one has slipped past the collective consciousness of the more
enlightened people of the 90's is beyond me! Clearly Frosty is infact
merely a coke-head drug pusher who brings "happiness" to young children
with his chemical dependent drug culture. The black hat, the pipe, the oh
so rudy button nose. These things all simply shout pusher, crack-head and
alcoholic. His black beady eyes boring into the minds of small children
telling them to "laugh and play all day". My gorge rises.
Santa Clause is Coming To Town
This song is sickest in the fact that it is indeed so subtle. At first I
could find little wrong with this classic song of a bearded old man who
invites children to sit in his lap(I am currently working on a master's
thesis on this fact alone!). But I soon uncovered the hidden truth. Again,
this is a song about conformity... Conformity to the wishes of the
oppressive patriarchy. Where the truth can never be know. Where the people
are not allowed to get in touch with their feelings! The lyrics go as
follows...
1. "You better watch out" conform to our fascist dogma
2. "You better not cry" stay in your place
3. "Better not pout" enjoy your place as the oppressed
4. "I'm telling you why maintain the status quo and the Santa Clause is
coming leaders of the oligarchy will to town" reward you
5. "He's making a list" we know who you are
6. "And checking it twice" you can not escape us
7. "Santa Clause is coming see #4 to town"
8. "He sees you when you're Big Brother is watching
sleeping"
9. "He knows when you're we will know of any rebellious plans awake"
10. "He knows if you've been who defines what is "good" and bad or good, So
be good further more to "be good for for goodness sake!" goodness sake" is
clearly a circular argument
Santa Clause is Coming to Town seemed to be the most innocuous but is
infact one of the more powerful tools of the establishment. It's subtlety
is only the more frightening because of its power.
All I Want For Christmas is My Two Front Teeth
The depravity of this song is so incomprehensible my throat clenches and my
eyes fill with tears at the very thought. Clearly this song is depicting
the horrors of child abuse in a light hearted manner. The boys two front
teeth where no doubt smashed out by an abusive father in an egg nog driven
rage! My soul weeps at the horror this boy must have experienced. To have
him sing a silly song pleading to a mythical figure to return his incisors
is so sick I have no words to describe it.
Deck The Halls
Not much in this song but stupidity and Fa-la-la-la-la's truthfully. Womyn
are referred to as "lasses" which is only slightly less repugnant than the
fact that homosexuals are ridiculed in the line "Don we now our gay
apparel" which, I'm sure, amounts to fishnet stockings, eye make-up and
see-through blouses.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
Need I say more?
Jingle Bells
It is hard to believe that such insanity was written in 1857. That it was
written by a MAN does not surprise me. Urging people to hop in their
vehicles and drive across snow laden fields in a convertible is more than
irresponsible, it's sick.
The fact that he named his mistress Fanny Bright only gives us a peek into
the dark soul of this retched man. Some of the more obscure lyrics include
phrases like "lean and lank", "sot", "sprawling" and "take the girls
tonight".
Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer
Had one's grandparent been trampled to death by a rogue carbo I'm sure this
song wouldn't seem so funny. The fact that this song shows NO regard to the
Innuit people is staggering. Who's grandparents are, no doubt, killed daily
by rampaging reindeer.
White Christmas
MY GOD! How more obvious can one be! That such a song could be written only
shows how cocksure these bastards are! Forgive me for my foul language, but
I feel most strongly about this, perhaps the most blunt and horrible of the
"Christmas" Carols.
"I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, Just like the ones I used to know" is
the first words out of Irving Berlin's mouth. And not coincidentally I
might add, Irving wrote this song in 1942. When the oppression by the
establishment was heading towards its zenith! These genocidal words should
stir us to riot yet we take them calmly. Buy them on compact disk for $4.95
while waiting to buy our hormone laden turkeys and consume more useless
product to place us farther in dept to further the power of the oligarchy.
In conclusion it is my fondest hope that the evil of the past might be
recognized and eradicated from our culture. We can not sit and allow such
depravity to continue any longer. I urge the reader to go out and picket
any convenience store or mall that would sell such bastions of evil. Don't
let the status quo control you any longer!
I.B. Clueless
------------------
Ritsuko sat back, feeling satisfied. 'Now that truly shows the 'Spirit of
Christmas,' capitalism and prejudice working together in harmony. How
Sweet.'
And with that, Ritsuko shut off her computer and walked away.
As the door shuts behind her, a faint voice can be heard humming,
"Falalalala-lala-la-la."
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My webpage, ever under construction:
http://welcome.to/nifflheim
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"Hi, yourself. I've only got a moment. Interested in dinner?"
"What did you have in mind?"
"Afghan place. Stuffed grape leaves and broiled lamb."
"It sounds great. But--"
"Let me call you after I get home. No big deal, if you can't
make it, I'll go to McDonald's."
"You're threatening suicide if I don't have dinner with you?"
Footfall - Larry Niven & Jerry Pournelle