metroanime@mindspring.com wrote:
"RANMA! YOU IDIOT!" Akane came charging
at him, a frying pan in her hands.
*Yawn* Cliche opening. Wonder how many readers hit the delete key at
this point?
*He's coming to. Good, probably not as serious as it
looked. If only he and Akane could get along. I'm sure he didn't
throw out Akane's cooking to spite her.*
"Didn't do that," Ranma slowly moved himself up.
"Didn't throw her food out. Why was she cooking, anyway?"
Now HERE'S where the story *should* have started -- where the primary
conflict (Ranma's telepathy) is being introduced.
BTW, please use a fixed number of characters per line. Having each line
a random length is extremely distracting.
//Watching your sisters grow more distant. One walling
herself off, the other a simmering rage that would pound the world
into submission.//
This is how you see Akane. Do you really think Kasumi sees her that way?
BTW, I'd lose the //s. They're distracting, and I think unnecessary.
"Oh...my." *I KNOW I didn't say anything that time.
Has he suddenly gotten observant? Or maybe he just knows
something about concussions as he's gotten so much of them.*
He's reading her mind. We get it, already! No need to beat the point to
death.
*So...he knows.* Guilt/shame/embarassment/pity/
annoyance/sadness/loneliness/fear. "Ranma...I am not Akane.
I am not going to pound you into the ground."
Again, it's OOC for Kasumi to say this about her sister. Even if in your
version of the Ranmaverse Akane IS a total ogre, would kind, gentle,
faithful Kasumi think of her as one?
//Ranma's shock as a giant panda shot out of
the pool, landing on one of the bamboo poles. The Guide
explaining quickly about the horror of Jusenkyo. The
panda attacking. Cool water enveloping his form. The
unpleasant sensation as muscles and internal organs
shifted into a slightly different configuration. The horror
of all the work of ten years being undone in an instant.
His father had told him often enough. Girls were weak,
stupid, silly. And now he was one.//
You have some good insights into Ranma's character in this section. Try
not to beat things to death, though. Him being afraid of being weak does
ring true, but you don't need to say it over and over.
//A quest for vengeance ending in a series of
revelations. He was clueless, ignorant, nieve. Not completely
blameless, perhaps, but certainly not the monster she'd come
to expect. More like the boy she'd fallen in love with long long
ago...//
The word is "naive." And I don't think this jibes with what actually
happened, though it could certainly be selective memory on Ukyo's part.
-------------------------------------------
end Day One...
OK, good points: you revealed some pretty good insights into some of the
characters. The characters (with one exception) are handled
sympathetically and with depth.
Where it could be improved: I suggest you focus more on Ranma's reaction
to discovering his new telepathic powers. How will he plan to use them?
Give us some sense that this is going to lead to conflicts now, rather
than just being a device for exploring the characters' backgrounds.
And lose all the gratuitous Akane-bashing. If you can't write her as a
human being, don't write her at all.
not just Ranma. He's literally lived (flash transference)
the lives of Kasumi, Nabiki, Ukyou, and Shampoo.
So, Day Two starts with him getting up
pre-dawn and making breakfast. By the time he wakes
up, he realizes he's going through Kasumi's usual
morning chores. Kasumi, having had Ranma thrust
his life experiences into her mind, is out in the dojo
doing katas when SHE realizes what she's doing.
This sounds like it has good potential if handled carefully.
Eventually, inevitably, Akane will pummel
him. In typical anime/manga series fashion, this would
return Ranma to normal with him having no memory
of these events and having lost his insight into life
and the people around him. Cause for pummelling:
he probably will actually act friendly/concerned about
either Shampoo or Ukyou.
Oh, please.
Here's a little writing exercise for you, Gregg: Write a scene looking
into Akane's mind, the way you've done for these other characters. Give
her some depth and explore what things are like from her point of view.
If you can't do that, I suggest you not write about her.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics