OK, just finished the parts posted to-date, so I figured a quick C&C was 
in order:

ToTH webpage (all parts): http://www.csus.edu/indiv/s/seifertv/toth/

The Taming of the Horse

a Ranma 1/2 fanfiction by Vince Seifert (seifertv@csus.edu)

    ~~~~~ Chapter 4: Training ~~~~~

         The key concept of training is reinforcement.  The
    equestrian must make every effort to consistently reward a
    desired behavior and to punish inappropriate behavior.
    Inconsistency leads to confusion and eventually obstinacy...
    If the rider does not have a clear idea of which behaviors
    are desired and which are not, the results will be
    unpredictable at best...

         -- from Chapter 4

  You know, I like this framework, but I'm not as sure that the main 
story actually follows the implications of the prologue.  The initial 
structure made it seem like Akane was going to be using these excerpts 
as a guide for improving her relationship with Ranma--but in many cases, 
Akane's had little or nothing to do with much of it.
  Rather, the events seem to simply align with the appropriate excerpt 
on their own.  IMNSHO, this is actually a good thing--outside of a few 
rare depictions, Akane makes a poor puppeteer.  But perhaps the intro 
should be rewritten to get rid of that initial impression.  Maybe one of 
the other characters could simply be reading the book?  I don't know for 
sure, but I felt I should comment on it.

    Genma and Soun picked themselves up and looked up at Ranma.
"Get down here, you ungrateful boy," Genma commanded.  "We're not
through celebrating yet."

    Ranma, upside-down, shook his head.  "Nuh-uh," he
emphasized.

    Soun took a turn.  "Now, Ranma-kun, a true martial artist
faces joyous occasions with the same fortitude as he does the
direst combat."

    Ranma restated his position:  "I like it up here and I'm
stayin' up here."

    Soun and Genma traded exasperated looks.  Genma addressed
the ceiling once more.  "Well, if you're going to be that way
about it, we'll just celebrate right here and wait for your grip
to give out."

*Very well-written scene.  I could see it playing out, as if in the 
anime.*

    "I CAN'T STAND SEEIN' YOU GET HURT!  I'D RATHER GET HIT
MYSELF THAN LET ANYTHIN' HIT YOU!"  Ranma's shout echoed in the
garden.  He looked astonished at what he'd just admitted.

*Chuckle.  I like how you've handled these slips and blow-ups.  Just the 
right amount of Freudian comedy.*

    "Uh..."  He rallied.  "Well, my momma says hittin' girls is
unmanly!"

    Akane rolled her eyes.  "Oh, please.  I like your mother,
but you can't tell me she doesn't get crazy ideas too."

*"And Winner of the Understatement of the Year Award for 1998 goes 
to...."*

    Ranma leapt to the top of the fence.  He stopped when Akane
stayed on the street.  "Get up here," he said mildly.

    Akane put her fists on her hips.  "I'm not doing that!
People will see up my skirt!"

*This whole scene was very well handled, showing how Ranma needs to 
break down Akane's preconceptions before he can really crack open her 
skill level.*

    Shampoo looked cutely disappointed when Ranma made the usual
complaints and attempts to pry her off, rather than breaking out
into a nosebleed or any of the other signs of enthusiasm.  She
turned her head to Akane without letting go of Ranma and winked.
"Just checking.  Still not ready yet.  How about you?  You ready
for rematch?  No?"

*You know, I kind of hope this is one of those areas you told Gary that 
characters were getting wrong.  (I know the original conversation was 
about Kasumi, but I figure the overall analysis probably applies to 
other characterisations as well.)  I just don't find the idea that Ranma 
isn't really interested in girls in a romantic fashion to be totally 
plausible--he reacts too much to Shamps' and Dohchi's passes for me to 
accept that.  OTOH, I could see how Shampoo could make that 
misinterpretation, considering her own culture.*

    "Ranma, you baka, why didn't you hit her?!  If you hit her
as hard as you hit me, she'd... be..."  Akane trailed off and
looked around at her fellow students, who were listening intently
with their jaws hanging.  She flushed.

*Ahem.  The proper response for Ranma here is:  "Well, actually, she'd 
be twice as bound to marry me, you stupid tomboy!  That's how I got inta 
this mess in the first place, remember?"*

    "Guilt," Kasumi repeated.  "If it's what I think it is, he
feels guilty when he hits you, until you punish him by hitting
him.  It's the same when he does something to make you mad; once
you hit him, he doesn't feel as guilty."

    Akane digested this.  "Eeew," she said finally.  "That fits,
though."

    "Well, you'll have to be careful.  After all, you don't want
him to think of you as a mother figure.  That would be... a whole
other set of problems."

*Yeah, you don't want to get nothing but katanas for Christmas....*

    Ranma backed away from Akane, hoping she'd try a parting
shot anyway...  *Nope.  Damn.*  He turned toward the dojo doors
and Kasumi's voice, and his jaw dropped.  Shampoo was wearing her
combat garb and a secretive smile.  Ukyo was wearing her usual
okonomiyaki-chef suit and her cutest grin. Both had their hands
clasped formally in front of them.  Kasumi was wearing an
immaculate new gi, and had one hand on each girl's shoulder.  "We
hear you're accepting students,"  Kasumi said mischievously.

    "Wha... where'd ya hear that?"  All three pointed left, to
where Nabiki was counting a sheaf of bills.  Akane stomped over
to her sister, arms stiff at her sides.  "Nabiki!"

    A voice drifted through the dojo doors.  "Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!
Ranma-sama, I'm here for my lesson!"

    Ranma looked around the dojo desperately.  His eyes, the
eyes of a trapped animal, fastened onto the bucket of water.

    Splash!  "Aiya!"  "Oh, dear."  "Rats!"

*Oooohhhh.... This is gonna be painful.*


All in all, and excellent read.  I've really enjoyed it so far, and will 
be following the remainder of the tale as it is posted.  Your sense of 
pacing is excellent--no spots where the story drags or slips by too 
quickly.

One grammar punctuation nit:

An ellipses (...) is not considered a "full stop" (the role taken by a 
period, exclamation point or question mark).  Therefore, when you use it 
to indicate a trailing off at the end of a quote, it still needs the 
additional punctuation:  

   "Ranma, you baka, why didn't you hit her?!  If you hit her as hard as 
you hit me, she'd... be...."

Note the fourth period after "be".  There has been some... vigorous 
debate about the proper punctuation of an ellipses at the end of a quote 
if a direct attribution follows the quote.  Consider the following:

       "Ranma, I'm in love with Ryouga," Akane said.

Now, if we have her voice trail off at the end, we have two options:

Option 1) "Ranma, I'm in love with your father...," Akane said.
Option 2) "Ranma, I'm in love with Happousai..." Akane said.           

I've advocated Option 1, others have made sensible arguments on behalf 
of Option 2.  One thing we have agreed on is that in most circumstances, 
you should go with Option 3:  Rewrite the f#$ker, making it an indirect 
attribution.

Option 3)
  "Ranma, I'm in love with the sidewalk-washing woman...."  Akane's 
voice trailed off as she contemplated her heart's desire.

--Freemage

    ~~~~~ end Training ~~~~~

Next: Akane and Ranma have an eventful evening.
in chapter 5: Breaking

to be posted tomorrow night.

Vince Seifert    Network Analyst     seifertv@csus.edu
http://webpages.csus.edu/~seifertv/  updated 1998Jun04
CSUS hired me to build their network, not to speak for the university.

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