From: kleppe@execpc.com (Gary Kleppe)
To: ffml@fanfic.com
Subject: Re: [FFML][R.5]Illuminations, Chapter 19/?[Dark][Lime]
Date: Fri, 18 Dec 1998 04:08:56 GMT

On Thu, 17 Dec 1998 04:22:26 PST, you wrote:

  So, now that Akane--{And the others,} she reminded himself
forcibly--were out of the line of fire, she could focus on
cracking the puzzle that surrounded this place.

  {But that'll have to wait til morning,} the redhead reminded
herself with a bit of reluctance.  {There's one more piece o'
business that needs tending to, first.}

Try not to overdo it with the {}. A lot of these things could be
worked into the narration and it would probably read more smoothly.

You and D.B.Sommer both complained about this, especially this specific 
occurence.  I plead guilty to second-degree bracket abuse.  
(First-degree involves either nesting or multiple types--not a pretty 
picture.)

  {this is but a fraction of what i offer}

Ah, it's the Viagra demon!

You know, the Soun/Kasumi thing has easily generated more feedback than 
any other element of the fic.

  ... and stopped.  Sitting down hard enough to feel a new pain
shoot through his tailbone, he thought fiercely to the voice,
{Listen, whatever name you wish to go by is, I will NOT do this
thing.  Even as weak as I am, I have my limits.  I have fed you
on my own base desires, but it will go no further.  I know that
you might be able to overcome my will eventually, so I make this
vow to you now:  If you persist in forcing me to contemplate
this course of action, I shall cast myself down the deepest,
most abandoned mine shaft I can find, and seal us both in there.
Am I understood?}

Nice. I can just imagine Soun saying this. He may have his weaknesses,
but deep down he does have some dignity.

Thanks.  This was one of my better jobs with him, I think.

OK, I don't have much to say about this one. The writing is good, and
the characters all seem well-handled. The mystery didn't advance much
in this part, but there were some good character development moments. 

As always, I'm looking forward to reading more of this. Soon. :)

Tonight or tomorrow, actually.  Unless the Internet crashes.

As always, thanks for the feedback and C&C.  Knowing you and Sommer-san 
(and a few others who have been good enough to send comments) are 
reading keeps me on my toes.

--Freemage

Gary

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