This is both in response to your question about self-insertions and to 
your fanfic in the same post. I figured there was no point in two 
separate replies, so I apologize if this is long.

From:        RainAyo@aol.com
To:          ffml@fanfic.com

[snip]

I also have a question for any of those that might wish to answer.  ( Stupid
as it may sound... )  I've done my share of self-insert fics and I've gotten
some responses.  I've written exactly three self-insert stories.  Two out of
the three stories make no mention what-so-ever ( that is of course unless you
know me very well ) that they are self-inserts.  My stories center around
someone else and I just happen to be in the background.  My question is:  Is
something like that a better idea than blatent self-insertion.  Would you
rather read something where the self-inserted characters are really obvious
and really the main characters or would you rather read something that is a
little less obvious and not centered apon YOU?

I think this is an issue of writing skill; what matters is how well the 
'self' character fits the story. I've read stories where the 'self' 
character only had a few lines, but stuck out like a sore thumb, and 
stories where the character hogged the spotlight but was crucial to the 
story. I've read a few where I couldn't tell the character was a 
self-insertion, only that something was badly out of place, and a few 
where the character screamed 'Look at me, I'm the author!' but I really 
enjoyed it anyway. My personal preference is for funny stories that use 
the 'self' character to contrast the outrageous world of anime with the 
normal life most of us lead. But that doesn't mean your story -- where 
you've instead toned down Usagi/Serena's life to something less 
outrageous for a few moments -- is bad. Which brings me to the C&C.

	Serena stopped in front a small cafe.  Inside there was a woman 

In front of a etc. ...this story needs proofreading for typos. I won't 
point any more out, since it looks like you typed this in kind of fast 
and have probably already noticed any other typos I might mention.

playing a piano and it seemed almost empty otherwise.  She went in and 
took a 
seat off in a corner.  A waitress came up and she ordered a soda.  After the 
waitress handed her her soda she continued her brooding.

I think you could give the scene a bit more atmosphere. I would rather 
know whether the cafe was dark or sun-drenched, clean or dirty, 
chrome-plated or old-fashioned, than what she ordered.

	'I just don't understand.  How is it possible that he just suddenly 
doesn't care about me anymore?' she asked herself.  'One minute we were 

[snip]

And he most certainly doesn't love Reenie in that way.  He's just worried 
about the little squirt.  We all are.  There are some real sickos after her.'

Since just about anyone who will take the time to read a SM fanfic has 
seen or read Sailor Moon R, we're well aware of the situation. You might 
want a bit of internal monologue, just to set the time frame, but it 
isn't necessary to go through the whole litany of trouble. It might be 
more effective to show Serena from outside -- her shoulders drooping, her 
eyes at half-mast, chewing her nails -- or shoveling food down her neck 
like there's no tomorrow, if that's how you see her acting out her grief. 
Her bare thoughts don't really bring her troubles home to the reader when 
we can't 'see' or 'hear' her.
 

	The young woman playing the piano was different as well.  She wore 

Different from what? Different because she was a gaijin? Because her 
clothes had holes in them? I don't understand what Serena is reacting to 
exactly.

wide leg jean with a few holes in them from obvious wear and tear.  She wore 
a black tee-shirt with the picture of a woman on it.  Serena couldn't quite 
make out the writting that was underneath the picture.  Around the young 
woman's waist was a black and white flannel shirt.  Her long aubun hair was 
pulled back in a loose braid. 

This is the only place I see you making a real self-insertion error in 
this piece. You haven't described what Serena is wearing, or even whether 
she's bawling out loud or bravely hiding her sorrow, but you describe 
every item of clothing the piano player is wearing. That's not fair to 
Serena, is it?

 

to play another song.  "This is called Tear in Your Hand."

Okay, we know Tori Amos is great. But suddenly this is a story about your 
favorite songs. Believe me when I say that this -- especially when you 
write down the entire lyrics of the song -- really robs the story blind. 
The point I see you *trying* to make is that Serena, in a blue funk with 
a broken heart, encounters a sympathetic pianist who plays a song that 
sounds just like what she's feeling. But rather than Serena's reaction, 
you've written the song itself. I think that was a mistake.

	Serena applauded for the pianist.  "That was good," she said.     She 

Isn't she affected by the song at all? And isn't Serena usually a more 
demonstrative person? I can just hear her clapping her hands and 
squealing, "Wow! You're really good!" ...either that or bursting into 
tears...

got up and took the seat by the piano.  
	"Do you sing?" the pianist asked.  "I bet you're really good."
	"Well I sing to the radio at home, but I don't think that really 
counts," Serena said.
	"Oh I bet you're good any way.  Here give it a try.  What would you 
like to sing?" the pianist asked.

Once again, what's Serena's reaction? Is she shy? Then make her really 
shy! Is she eager? Maybe she has visions of herself as an 'idoru' star! 
The great thing about Serena is that she's never bland about anything. 
Also -- at this point I found myself asking why this pianist was asking 
her to sing. Can she see Serena is sad, and is trying to cheer her up? 
Has she got a gig she can't get out of, and she's come down with 
laryngitis? Does she ask everybody, or can she sense Serena is special 
somehow?

	The two of the spent the afternoon just singing different songs.  The 
pianist, Asa, invited her to sing later on that night.  Serena got all 
excited and told all her friends.  They all said they were going to come and 
see her debut.

Let's see her being excited -- she's so good at it, after all!

	Darien entered the cafe.  He'd overheard Lita and Mina talking about 

[snip]

She turned to someone he couldn't quite see.  So he hurried off to a table.

A suggestion: leave a blank line or put a row of dots to signal a POV 
change, and then show us Darien's entrance from his own POV. "Darien 
paused outside the cafe. He'd overheard Lita and Mina talking about 
Serena's singing debut, and he'd decided to check it out. Now he was 
wondering if that was such a good idea." Or whatever -- I don't mean to 
put words in your mouth, only show you what I mean by point of view.

	Serena sat down beside Asa and smiled as she played the song again.  
It reminded her a little of her and Darien.  Half way through the song she 

Is she singing? Is it hard for her? Has she discovered a new talent, or 
is she working with all her might to do a good job? 

[snip snip]

Insensitive

Again, not the whole lyric sheet please. The title is sufficient to 
explain Darien's reaction.

	'Is this really what she thinks of me?  I wish I hadn't had to do 

Is he maybe a little angry? After all, as he sees it, he dumped her to 
save her life, and now she's singing accusations at him in public.

	Darien stood up and Serena saw him.  She looked like she was going to 
cry.  She turned away from him and sat back down beside Asa.  She whispered 
to Asa and then hurried to the bathroom.  Darien stopped himself from going 
after her.  He shook his head and left the cafe. 
	'That song was meant to be heard by me, wasn't it.  I've lost her 
haven't I.  I'm so sorry Serena.  I did this all for you.  I wish you could 
know exactly how I feel about you,' Darien thought.

This is the bare skeleton of a very powerful scene, but it lacks real 
emotion. A little less Hemmingway, if you please... :)

	In the bathroom Serena wiped away the last stray tear.  'I have to 
get over him.  It's over between us.  It's best this way.  It'll hurt less 
if 
it ends now,' she thought to herself.  Somehow she didn't really think that 
she'd be able to keep that promise.

Good show of strength from Serena, confirming what we all knew -- that 
she isn't really the airhead she seems. Possibly a bit OOC, though, as we 
later see that she never gave up on him, and in fact was determined to 
chase him to the ends of the earth if necessary... but who's to say she 
didn't have a few private moments when she'd had enough loneliness and 
decided to give up?

Enjoy!
Rain Ayo ( rain_ayo@hotmail.com )
http://members.tripod.com/~Rain_Ayo/

All in all, a good effort. My comment for you is that what you have here 
is the *outline* of an excellent fanfic. It really needs some flesh on 
those bones, though. Go over it again and fill it in, write too much 
rather than too little and then pare it down. Take your time, linger over 
it, look for words that really evoke the atmosphere you want to show. 
Then you'll have a story worthy of your story idea.

If you do take my advice, and flesh out this story a bit more, I'd be 
really interested in reading the result of your rewrite. You could mail 
it to me privately if you don't feel like posting it to the list.

Gambatasai!


Jesse Hajicek * Art Propulsion Laboratories * St. Paul, MN
* Warm fuzzies, shocking originality, and battlemech repair *