I'm still not back on te list, so please CC any followups on this to
me.

Technically, this was pretty good. I have one minor grammatical
quibble -- Tendo's should be Tendos', as there's more than one of
them. But other than that, it looks to be pretty well-constructed.

Mr. Davidson suffers from an ailment common among new characters
(particularly ones that resemble self-inserts, as this one does). He
doesn't show much personality. If you want to use this character, we
need to know something about who he is, what kinds of things he feels
strongly about.

This is really problematic for this story. I didn't really feel any
emotional connection to the story, because Davidson was connected to
things on an intellectual/factual level only. He recounts the events
of the series, but doesn't seem to feel anything about them as far as
we can tell, and if he doesn't feel anything, why should we as the
readers? And if we don't, why are we being shown this story?

In summary, while this chapter works as a kind of recap for the series
(I suppose -- I haven't been following it, so can't say for sure), it
doesn't manage to build the emotion necessary for it to stand as a
story on its own.


Gary