At 01:36 AM 12/16/98 GMT, Gary Kleppe wrote:

*snip*

 >> On Tue, 15 Dec 1998 04:46:36 -0500 (EST), PhilMasters@webtv.net (Phillip
 >> Masters) wrote:

*snip*

 >> >     The girl's voice wavered as she made one final plea, "Will you kiss
 >> >me goodbye?"
 >> >     A look of pure disgust came over the boy's face.  "What?  I can't
 >> >kiss a guy!"
 >> >     Silence descended on the pair, and a small breeze made its way
 >> >across the clearing upon which they stood.  The girl held her long brown
 >> >hair out of her eyes as she blinked, the tears forgotten.  "I'm not a
 >> >guy." 

*grin*  I can just picture this scene.

*snip*

    Ranma sat down suddenly, lost in thought.  "Well, this makes things

 >> >different," he commented, mostly to himself.
 >> >     "Makes what different?" Ukyou asked curiously.
 >> >     He looked up at her with bright blue eyes, looking hopeful.  "If
 >> >you're a girl, then I don't have to go!  Pops asked me if I liked you or
 >> >Okonomiyaki better... I answered Okonomiyaki because he always said I
 >> >shouldn't like boys.  If you're a girl, I can say I like you better!"
 >> Chibi-Ranma seems too logical and sensible for his age here.

I'm afraid that I don't follow his logic.  When did he realize that his answer
to the Ucchan vs. okonomiyaki question determined whether he was staying
or leaving?  Otherwise, it sounds plausible to me.  
BTW, does "okonomiyaki" have to be capitalized?
 
 >> >     Ukyou blinked a few times, then looked incredulously at the
 >> >horizon.  "I'm not sure whether I should take insult to that or not."

At the risk of sounding patronizing, but is this the kind of thing a six-year-old would
say?  (I'll assume they're supposed to be six.)  I'd expect her to hit him 
for that remark...or say, "What do you mean by that?"

*snip*

 >> >     "The one about whether I like Uchan or Okonomiyaki better.  I like
 >> >Uchan better!  He's a she!" Ranma explained proudly.
 >> >     Genma was at a loss.  "You... you like Ukyou?"  Something else the
 >> >boy had said caught his attention.  "What do you mean, 'he's a she'?"
 >> >     "I though Uchan was a he!" Ranma answered.  "But he's not... he's a
 >> >she!  So I can like *her*!"

Now there's a six-year-old in action.

 >> >     Genma couldn't articulate a response.  He began to see his Master
 >> >Plan begin to sink.  Trying to salvage he returned, "But, boy, you

This imagery doesn't work for me.  Maybe "crack" instead of "sink"  And there
are too many "began/begin"  Get rid of one.

 >> "Salvage" needs an object. What is he trying to salvage?

salvage it

*snip*

 >> >     Ranma's brow furrowed.  "I didn't know everything I do now!  I
 >> >couldn't make an edu... ede... um... a smart decision!"

Nice comeback, Ranma.

 >> >     Damn, the boy is smarter than I give him credit for, Genma thought.

Yup.  You didn't raise a total dummy.

*snip*

 >> >     "Thanks, Pop!" Ranma yelled excitedly.  "I'll go tell her to get
 >> >ready!"  With that he bolted off in the direction of the Kuonji
 >> >residence.
 >> >     "I'm sure her father has already taken care of that," Genma
 >> >whispered to no one in particular.  

I like that.  It indicates that this wasn't a matter of Ranma staying, but of
taking on Ukyou as a fiancee.

*snip*

 >> >     "What's that mean?" Ranma asked, unfamiliar with the word.
 >> >     "It means we get to take the cart with us, and I can make
 >> >Okonomiyaki for you everyday!" Ukyou excitedly replied.
 >> every day (2 words)
 >> >     Needless to say, Ranma found himself in a bliss not equaled in all
 >> >his years on the road.  "Every... everyday?" he stuttered, not quite
 >> >daring to believe what he'd heard.

Hey, this means he can have his okonomiyaki and eat it, too.

*snip*

 >> >     Ukyou's father smiled as two pairs of overly ecstatic young eyes

"overly ecstatic"??  How about "overly excited" or "happy"

*snip*

 >> >     "Dad!" Ukyou protested, "I'm ten years old!  I'm *not* a little
 >> I thought they were six when this stuff happened.

I think ten is too old for this behavior.  You made them seem much younger.

*snip*

 >> >     "Ranma!" Mr. Kuonji bellowed as he watched them go, "Tell your
 >> >father to pick up the yatai this afternoon!"  

I know what a yatai is...does Ranma?  You started out by calling it a cart.

*snip*

 >> >     "Ranchan!  Wait for me!" Ukyou cried, running as fast as she could,
 >> >arms outstreched toward the cart.
 >> >     Ranma frowned.  "Pop!  Slow down a bit... it was funny at first,
 >> >but I think she's getting tired!"
 >> >     "Oh, alright," Genma shot back, "but I still think she should be
 >> >able to make it fifty miles before breaking a sweat."  

That is so mean.  I hope that Ukyou is a bit older, and this is some weird
training exercise, not a way to get rid of her.

 >> >      Ranma rolled his eyes.  "Yeah, this from a guy who can barely do
 >> >five hundred push ups one handed."  

"one-handed"

*snip*

 
 >> >     "Stop it, you two!" Genma yelled, "There will be plenty of time for
 >> >that soon!  We're almost to the next training ground, Jusenkyo."

I will assume that some years have passed.  How many?

*snip*

 >> >     Ukyou sat down next to him and placed her chin on his shoulder.
 >> >"Yeah, no kidding... it was just a big mud hole!"  She giggled and moved
 >> >her head off of Ranma, leaning back against the cart itself.  

"moved her head off of Ranma" makes her sound as if her head is detachable.
Maybe just leaning back against the cart will be enough.

 >> >     "Oh, shut up!" Genma shouted, "How was I supposed to know not to
 >> >there during the rainy season?  Sheesh, thought we'd never wade our way

not to *what* there during the rainy season?

 >> >out of there!  At least we got a lot of excercise."
 >> exercise. And these comments are a little too crude for Genma.

He sounds petulant--like a bratty kid.

*snip*

 >> >     However, before she could reply, a voice came from behind them
 >> >both.  "Oh, sir, miss, very bad you fall in spring!"

When did they fall into the pool?  Oh, not yet.  I know that the Guide speaks
bad Japanese, but this is confusing.

*snip*

 >> >     The Guide was tickled.  "Oh, you very lucky!  It seem you fall in

Tickled?  Who's tickling him.  I've always seen this line used as "tickled pink"
*shrug*  I'm not very good with idioms.

*snip*

 >> >     "So," Ukyou clarified, "if I fell into a spring where a deer had
 >> >drowned previously, I would become a deer?"
 >> She's accepting this a little too easily. Until she actually saw the effect,
 >> wouldn't she think the Guide was insane to believe something like this?

I agree.  Plus, I think it would be better if the Guide came up with the example.

 >> >     The Guide nodded.  "Yes, but hot water turn you back to regular
 >> >form.  Cold water trigger curse again.  It is very tragic story."  
 >> >     "Sounds like crap to me," Genma said, "Curses and shape changing...
 >> >what a load of dung."  
 >> 
 >> More lines that are OOC for Genma. The guy tries to present himself in a
 >> dignified manner.

OTOH, I agree with his POV.  ^_^

 >> >From a technical standpoint, I think this is pretty good. I do think that you're
 >> going into more of the backstory than you really need to, at least at this early
 >> stage. It's more important to establish the conflicts that are happening *now*
 >> in the story than it is to tell us exactly how we got here.

I agree.  I pretty much expected to fast-forward to the present once Genma decided
to bring Ukyou with them.  While I like the part where Ranma gets his okonomiyaki
after all, I think that scene with the Kuonji house could be abbreviated or even deleted.
(Actually, if it was gone, that scene where Ukyou is chasing after the cart would make
a nice transition.)  And anything else can be handled with flashbacks.

I also am a bit frustrated because I get no sense of how much time has passed between
the formation of the trio and their visit to Jusenkyou.

 >> Story-wise, it's pretty hard to tell where this is going. Ukyo's
 >> characterization seems kind of dull. 

I think they're all kind of dull.  Genma is the most interesting of the bunch just because
he's acting like a little boy who didn't get what he wanted...and you wonder if his Master
Plan is just the Tendou engagement.

The most interesting thing I found in the
 >> story is the mystery of what effect the Jusenkyo pool had on the two youngsters
 >> (surely the Guide was wrong about it having been a clear pool).
 
Definitely.  Whatever curse Ranma and Ukyou are saddled with must be worse than
(or at least more unusual than) turning into a girl or a pig or I will be sorely disappointed.

Venkarel
(who wonders why her messages always seem to bounce when addressed to
Phillip Masters)