Because I'm not sure if thus fic ever got posted to the list or not, I'm quoting
the *entire* thing in this C&C with no snippage. I'm sure Phil would appreciate
further comments from anyone on his story. I'm unsubbed from the list until I
manage to replace my broken modem, so if there's any on-list reply dealing with
this C&C please CC: it to my address.

On Tue, 15 Dec 1998 04:46:36 -0500 (EST), PhilMasters@webtv.net (Phillip
Masters) wrote:

PM Productions Presents

    "I have to go soon."  The small boy held back the tears, as he was

Better to say as he had been taught to do, since the teaching took place before
the current moment in the narrative.

taught to do.
    "You'll come back won't you?"  The little girl let her emotions
show fully, as she was brought up to do.

I'd put a comma after back, and make it 'as she had been brought'

    "I'll try," he replied, though doubt showed clearly on his face.
    The girl's voice wavered as she made one final plea, "Will you kiss
me goodbye?"
    A look of pure disgust came over the boy's face.  "What?  I can't
kiss a guy!"
    Silence descended on the pair, and a small breeze made its way
across the clearing upon which they stood.  The girl held her long brown
hair out of her eyes as she blinked, the tears forgotten.  "I'm not a
guy." 

A Phillip Masters Fanfic

    More silence was her only response.  After a few moments of this,
the boy blinked.  "You're not, Uchan?"
    Ukyou shook her head.  "No, Ranchan, I'm a girl."
    Ranma sat down suddenly, lost in thought.  "Well, this makes things
different," he commented, mostly to himself.
    "Makes what different?" Ukyou asked curiously.
    He looked up at her with bright blue eyes, looking hopeful.  "If
you're a girl, then I don't have to go!  Pops asked me if I liked you or
Okonomiyaki better... I answered Okonomiyaki because he always said I
shouldn't like boys.  If you're a girl, I can say I like you better!"

Chibi-Ranma seems too logical and sensible for his age here.

    Ukyou blinked a few times, then looked incredulously at the
horizon.  "I'm not sure whether I should take insult to that or not."
    Ranma jumped up, a big grin plastered on his face.  "Uchan!  This
means I can stay!  I just have to go tell my Pop, and everything will be
just fine!"  He laughed out loud and turned away, running toward his
camp.
    Ukyou watched him go, and a smile sprouted on her face.  The two of
them had been together for over a year now, and she was loath to see him
leave.  Now that it seemed he could stay indefinately, she didn't have

indefinitely

to be sad anymore.

A Future Once Passed
Chapter One: A Certain Togetherness
 
     Ranma found his father packing the last of their things.  "Pop!  I
want to change my answer!" he called as he approached full tilt.
    Genma looked up from tying the last string to see his son coming
toward him like a bat out of hell and wearing a large grin.  "What
answer, boy?"
    "The one about whether I like Uchan or Okonomiyaki better.  I like
Uchan better!  He's a she!" Ranma explained proudly.
    Genma was at a loss.  "You... you like Ukyou?"  Something else the
boy had said caught his attention.  "What do you mean, 'he's a she'?"
    "I though Uchan was a he!" Ranma answered.  "But he's not... he's a
she!  So I can like *her*!"
    Genma couldn't articulate a response.  He began to see his Master
Plan begin to sink.  Trying to salvage he returned, "But, boy, you

"Salvage" needs an object. What is he trying to salvage?

already gave your answer.  A true martial artist keeps his word always!"
    Ranma's brow furrowed.  "I didn't know everything I do now!  I
couldn't make an edu... ede... um... a smart decision!"
    Damn, the boy is smarter than I give him credit for, Genma thought.
"Okay, son... I'll let you change your answer, this once.  However, we
can't stay here, you must complete your training.  We will simply have
to take Ukyou along with us."  He had given his final word, the case was
closed.
    "Thanks, Pop!" Ranma yelled excitedly.  "I'll go tell her to get
ready!"  With that he bolted off in the direction of the Kuonji
residence.
    "I'm sure her father has already taken care of that," Genma
whispered to no one in particular.  

--------------------------------------

    "Uchan!" Ranma bellowed as he approached the rather large house.
The Kuonji's were by no means rich, however they were an old family and

Kuonjis

the land had been theirs for many generations.  
    At the familiar voice, Ukyou came dashing out into the street to
meet her friend.  "Hey, Ranchan, good news!  My father says I *have* to
go with you!"
    Ranma came to a screeching halt in front of her, his mouth held
halfway open.  Shutting it, he recompiled his thoughts.  "Um... yeah, I
was just about to say you can come with us."
    Ukyou nodded.  "My father said he made a deal with your father, and
our Okonomiyaki cart is a dowry!"
    "What's that mean?" Ranma asked, unfamiliar with the word.
    "It means we get to take the cart with us, and I can make
Okonomiyaki for you everyday!" Ukyou excitedly replied.

every day (2 words)

    Needless to say, Ranma found himself in a bliss not equaled in all
his years on the road.  "Every... everyday?" he stuttered, not quite
daring to believe what he'd heard.
    "Yup... and we can play all the time to, and spar, and play...
and... and..."
    "Whoa there, sugar, you're going to hyperventilate yourself."
    Ukyou's father smiled as two pairs of overly ecstatic young eyes
turned on him.  "I don't know what that means!" his daughter cried out,
seeming not to care much.  
    "Hello, Mr. Kuonji," Ranma greeted and bowed.  "I'm glad to hear
that you're letting Uchan come with us!"  
    The large man laughed loudly.  "It's no problem, Ranma... just take
good care of my little girl," he said with a wink.
    "Dad!" Ukyou protested, "I'm ten years old!  I'm *not* a little

I thought they were six when this stuff happened.

girl!"  
    "Come on, Uchan!  Let's get going!" Ranma urged, getting bored just
standing around.  "Let's go spar or something."
    The two children ran off toward their favorite field together.
    "Ranma!" Mr. Kuonji bellowed as he watched them go, "Tell your
father to pick up the yatai this afternoon!"  
    A hasty wave was his only reply.

--------------------------------------

    "Ranchan!  Wait for me!" Ukyou cried, running as fast as she could,
arms outstreched toward the cart.
    Ranma frowned.  "Pop!  Slow down a bit... it was funny at first,
but I think she's getting tired!"
    "Oh, alright," Genma shot back, "but I still think she should be
able to make it fifty miles before breaking a sweat."  
     Ranma rolled his eyes.  "Yeah, this from a guy who can barely do
five hundred push ups one handed."  
    "Don't disrespect your father!" Genma retorted, indignant.
    Ukyou jumped up onto the back of the yatai panting heavily.  "Wow,
that was a rush!  What was that anyway?  About sixty miles?"
    "Nah, more like fifty."  Ranma took on a smug expression.  "I made
it seventy."
    "Oh yeah?  Well, you may think you have more endurance, but who
beat you at weapon throwing yesterday, huh?" Ukyou returned, her own
look mirroring his own.
    "Oh, sure... you always bring up your *one* strong point."  He
stood up and went into a playful stance.  "Let's see who's the better!"
    "You're on!"
    "Stop it, you two!" Genma yelled, "There will be plenty of time for
that soon!  We're almost to the next training ground, Jusenkyo."
    Both children look slightly disappointed, but at the same time
anticipating the new chance to train.  "I hope this is better than that
last lousy spot you picked, Pop," Ranma commented as they sat down on
the edge of the cart.  
    Ukyou sat down next to him and placed her chin on his shoulder.
"Yeah, no kidding... it was just a big mud hole!"  She giggled and moved
her head off of Ranma, leaning back against the cart itself.  
    "Oh, shut up!" Genma shouted, "How was I supposed to know not to
there during the rainy season?  Sheesh, thought we'd never wade our way
out of there!  At least we got a lot of excercise."

exercise. And these comments are a little too crude for Genma.

    "And lost our shoes," Ranma added as he leaned back and placed his
arm around Ukyou's waist.  
    Genma just grumbled and truged onward.

trudged

    After a few minutes of quiet, Ukyou asked, "So, what is this
Jusenkyo like anyway?  Or is the brochure for that in Chinese too?"
    "It's in Chinese," Genma answered, "but it seems nice... with
bamboo pools for balance training, and ponds to break your fall."  
    They finally crested the hill they had been climbing, and the
valley of Jusenkyo laid before them.  A fine mist covered the area, but
one could easily make out the ponds and poles that Genma had described.
    "Looks kinda weird," Ukyou said, staring at the training ground.
    Ranma nodded his agreement, then shrugged and jumped off the cart.
"Well, let's get to it!"  He began to run down the slope toward the
valley floor.
    Ukyou quickly followed, with Genma bringing up the rear, 

dragging

the cart along with him.  "Hey, you two!" he yelled, "Wait up!  Someone
else pull this damn thing for a while!"

Again, not a very Genma-ish line.

    Ranma made it to the bottom and looked at the grounds up close.
The layout of the ponds seemed to be entirely erratic, as if no planning
had gone into them at all.  Ukyou came up beside him a moment later, and
he grinned at her.  "Ready?"
    However, before she could reply, a voice came from behind them
both.  "Oh, sir, miss, very bad you fall in spring!"
    Genma caught up, and ignoring the new arrival, leapt up to the
nearest pole.  "Come on you two, let's get going!" he cried down to the
couple below.
    Ranma eagerly leapt up, but Ukyou paused and looked back at the
diminutive man who was waving at her.  "Who are you?" she asked as he
came up to her.  
    "I am Guide of Accursed Training Ground of Jusenkyo," the man
explained.  He had a look of desperation as he glanced at her
companions.  "Oh, miss, it very bad your friends fall in spring!"  
    "Why?  What'll happen?"
    Unfortunately, before the quide could muster another word, Genma

guide

swooped out of nowhere and grabbed Ukyou.  She let out a cry of surprise
as she was unceremoniously lifted into the air.  
    "Come on, Ukyou!" Genma yelled, "Go train with your fiance!"  He
hurled her toward Ranma.
    Ukyou attempted to right herself in air, but missed the bamboo pole
she was aiming for by mere centimeters.  She braced herself for an
impact with the water below.
    Ranma, seeing Ukyou fall, leapt toward her.  He grabbed her and
wrapped his arms around her protectively.  He shut his eyes and they
both splashed down, sending an enormous amount of water into the jungle
at the edge of the grounds.
    Genma waited patiently for the two to surface, while the Guide
below went on about it being unfortunate they fall in spring.  
    "Oh, sir, is very bad they fall in spring.  For that Spring of
Drowned... um...."  The Guide furrowed his brow.  "I don't know what
drown there....  Perhaps I getting old?" 
    Ranma and Ukyou came to the surface at that point, sputtering
loudly.  They made their way to the edge of the spring and climbed out.
Both appeared perfectly normal.
    The Guide was tickled.  "Oh, you very lucky!  It seem you fall in
unattached spring!  Very lucky!"  He looked at Genma, still perched on a
pole above him.  "You not tempt fate once more, come down from pole!"  
    Genma leapt down, realizing that Ranma and Ukyou would most likely
want to rest before continuing.  He wondered what the crazy little man
was getting at.  As the two children joined him he asked, "What is it
you keep going on about, Guide?"
    "This is Accursed Valley of Cursed Springs, Jusenkyo.  If you fall
in spring, you take form of what drown there.  Many curses lay here...
you lucky you fall into unattached spring... nothing happen."  
    "So," Ukyou clarified, "if I fell into a spring where a deer had
drowned previously, I would become a deer?"

She's accepting this a little too easily. Until she actually saw the effect,
wouldn't she think the Guide was insane to believe something like this?

    The Guide nodded.  "Yes, but hot water turn you back to regular
form.  Cold water trigger curse again.  It is very tragic story."  
    "Sounds like crap to me," Genma said, "Curses and shape changing...
what a load of dung."  

More lines that are OOC for Genma. The guy tries to present himself in a
dignified manner.

    "You not say that you fall in spring, sir," the Guide returned
seriously.  

>From a technical standpoint, I think this is pretty good. I do think that you're
going into more of the backstory than you really need to, at least at this early
stage. It's more important to establish the conflicts that are happening *now*
in the story than it is to tell us exactly how we got here.

Story-wise, it's pretty hard to tell where this is going. Ukyo's
characterization seems kind of dull. The most interesting thing I found in the
story is the mystery of what effect the Jusenkyo pool had on the two youngsters
(surely the Guide was wrong about it having been a clear pool).


Gary