Dear Damien, and the FFML community:
  I have heard the cry for the conservative and intelligent 
comments and critisims on this list. I will start with this
story, Please forgive me, Damien, I am about to be not-nice.
  First off I would like to say that I do like Ranma 1/2, 
probably to distraction and the detriment of my job 
performance. I am dedicated to the understanding of the new
and some of the impossible exploits that occur daily for the 
characters of Ranma 1/2. That doesn't mean that I enjoy 
every one written.
  A few positive notes:
    There was a refreshing amount of physical humour 
depicted here.
    The characters talked believably, for the most part.
    
  A few distractions:
    The scene and set discriptions. It seemed to me that 
they were added as an after thought.
    Characterization of a couple characters:
      Akane, first off. I know that this is an alt. Univ.,
        but Akane being that violent ceases to be Akane. 
        She turned into Ryouko: wrestling Ranma, and 
        causing a good deal of damage to him.
      Ranma, in general. Like above, but turning him into
        a scared wimp is just not him. If he really 
        wanted to leave, he would insult Akane to make her
        give him an exit.

Outside of characterization, there are few specific faults 
that I can pin point. However, I will say that this made me
think that it was half baked. I mean that, in places, the 
story and dialog were solid, well thought out and 
effectively verbose. In other places, it seemed to run away 
from you, the author, until you found the next plot element 
that you have thought out well.
  This fic has found it's way into my trash can.

  Suggestions for improvement:
  This fic, I'm not really sure what to say. Destroy it. 
Then start over. Give yourself a time limit(a sequence of 
events that must occur in order that will bring you to the 
end of the story.) Then think about it for a week. Then 
write it. Then wait a week. Then read it.

  It takes a long time to write a good story, irrelevant of 
whether you 'borrow' someone else's characters.


  My suggestion for your writing style:
  Create a plan and stick with it. If you get stuck, 
re-evaluate the Plan, and change it back as far as you need.


  Thank you for your time,
  Turbo@relex.com

  



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Turbo@relex.com
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