(This post contains spoilers, but they're at the end. Let's hope posting
from this account works.)

Overall impressions first: This was well-written as always, especially the
scene with the serpent and the tortured girl, and the ending. The
overall plot moves more slowly than I'd like, but it's got some good
dramatic conflicts and it feels like it's building up to what will
(eventually) be a great climax.

Now for the obligatory nitpicks and silly comments:

"Alan Harnum" <harnums@hotmail.com> wrote:

    "<It's rather funny when you think about it, isn't it
great-grandmother?>"

Great-grandmother should be capitalized, and you need a comma after 'isn't
it.'

she said, rubbing her hands together and
licking her lips.  "<I mean, what were the odds that it would be
that pool she fell into?>"  She gave a nervous little laugh.
    
    Fang Shi snarled and lashed out with the haft of her weapon,
knocking Bai Ling tumbling to the ground to the dusty ground with
a startled cry.  "<Would you shut up for a few minutes?>"

    Bai Ling rolled with the blow as she'd been taught and came
smoothly to her feet.  "<Forgive me, honoured ancestor," she 
murmured, casting her eyes to the ground.  "I was impertinent.>"

"You're right. I'll shut up now. Really, I will. I'm so sorry to be such a
nuisance. There really is no excuse for it. You must hate me. Yes, it's
really so terrible of me to just go on and on like...."

    There was a plan, of course.  He didn't tell her all of it
that first time, though.  Doing that would have ruined the plan
in its entirety.  Fang Shi had decades of experience in deception
and subtlety, but the one to whom she spoke was something else 
altogether.  

This seems to violate Fang's point of view in the narration. How does she
know that telling her would've ruined the plan?

    Genma nodded.  "One more reason to find him.  Right now, the
master is going through Cologne's things, the ones that she left
here when she came to Japan."

"So far, he's found six bras, three pair of panties, and...."

    "Oh, Mousse," she whispered quietly, taking his hand in both
of hers.  Behind her, Ryoga drew a deep inhalation of breath as
he realized what she had.

Seems like that should say 'what she had done' or something like that.

    Mousse raised his head, and half-sat up.  His eyes, blind as
they were now, seemed to focus upon her.  "He is close.  You will
see him again."  A long pause, as a heavy silence fell in the
small room.  "They are in danger.  Terrible danger.  The darkness
draws nearer to them, perhaps, than to any others."

    Akane could not speak.  Mousse's voice was calm and strong.
His blind eyes seemed to turn to Ryoga.  "The shadows will take
her."

Yes, it's the prophecies of Mousstradamus!

    The door opened, and Lang Bei and Shampoo stepped through.
Lang Bei looked angry and sad at once, Shampoo was downcast.

Run-on.

    Rouge looked up from where she sat in the chair, a page of
the book she was reading half-turned.  "Yes.  After Shampoo fell
into the pool, it seemed the right thing to do."  She looked up 
at the ceilng for a moment.  "I will have to get used to living
without Ashura's power, but the sacrifice, I believe, was worth
it.  Better free and weak than a powerful slave to something you
cannot control."

Tell that to Nabiki....

leadership with all their heart.  You speak as if you are unsure
of what to do, yet you have never wavered in these last few days.
You have given into none of the noble's demands for a guarantee

nobles'

    He was forced to push his burden ahead of him, wriggling
flat on his belly like his namesake.  He could change his form,
but only so much, and the tunnel was narrow and cramped.  Halfway 
through, the girl woke up, and screamed in the centre of the 
long, narrow, lightless tunnel of  dirt and rock.  He rendered 
her unconscious with a swift blow to the back of the head.  No 
one could hear them here anyway.

There's quite a lot of "He did this" sentences in this section... you may
want to reword a few of 'em.

    She did not try to scream this time, but simply glared at
him hatefully.  She said nothing at all.  The Joketsuzoku had
pride, that had not changed.

I'd punctuate this differently to avoid a run-on: 'pride; that' or 'pride
-- that'

    Realizing a moment later that they didn't understand, he
switched to his broken Japanese.  "Come quick!  Ceremony is
beginning!"

    "Ceremony?" Akane and Ryoga chimed confusedly.  Shampoo's
father ignored them and ran past, calling out in Chinese again.

"Shampoo and Rouge getting married! You come! Need best man and
bridesmaid!" (How about giving Dad here a name, BTW?)

    He put his hand on the shoulder of the nearest person, a
girl with long dark hair tied in a high ponytail.  "Excuse me..."

Wouldn't he say that in Chinese instead of Japanese, given that he
wouldn't expect people here to understand the latter? (Yes, I know if he
were an American, he'd say it in English. And this IS Pantyhose we're
talking about, so nevermind. ^_^)

    "<I anoint you in the name of your children.>"
    

"Shampoo no have children! Ranma always refuse make love with Shampoo!"

    Tarou scrambled up the trail leading into the mountains
after Happosai.  Behind them, the panting form of Genma Saotome
followed.

    "Who was that?" he snapped.  
    

"Just the narrator, boy, setting up the scene."

    They had entered a scraggily forest on the lower slopes of

I believe that should be "scraggy;" "scraggily" is the adverb form.

    Derisive as 'boy' sounded from Happosai, Tarou decided it 
was better than the alternative.  He wished cold water was at
hand; then he would show Happosai a thing or two.

Should be 'water were at'

    Happosai smirked at him.  "You want that new name, or don't
you?"

    Tarou couldn't say anything in response.  Only nod.
    

Notice he didn't say what the new name would be....

    "Make sure they know what he looks like.  The eyes 
especially, they're very distinctive.  Be very careful.  He's
either an extremely powerful martial artist or he's not human.
Tell Lang Bei as well, I trust her."

well; I

    Meeting Nodoka.  How beautiful she had been; the taste of
her lips on his, the fragrance of her hair, the curve and arch of
her body under his hands.

The curve of her sword as she held it an inch from his face, explaining to
him what would happen if he screwed up....

    O my wife - the first thought.
    
    O my son - the second.
    
    Forgive me - the third.
    

O my god being eaten is really painful - the fourth and last. :)

Just kidding... actually, this was a very well-done death scene. I can
just imagine being in that situation and thinking over all the things I
wish I had a chance to make amends for.

And just to give in to peer pressure, I'll add:

OH MY GOD, THEY'VE KILLED GENNY!


Gary