Not too shabby. Hope there'll be more.

One minor nit, however. Your habit of using Japanese words and phrases, 
then translating them, was a bit jarring. For example :

     "Nandate(What did you say)!?" shrieks Asuka. 'Come all the way 

Why not just use the Enlish equivalents? I kinda like reading the words 
and such and knowing what they mean, but the method breaks up the flow 
of the fic, in my opinion.

Anyways, keep up the good work!


Derek