Iliked the way McSpon-san broke down the chapter than I'm going to steal 
it outright--is that plagiarism?

Reply-To: <sommer@3rdm.net>
From: "D.B. Sommer" <sommer@3rdm.net>
To: "Angus MacSpon" <macspon@ihug.co.nz>
Cc: <ffml@fanfic.com>
Subject: Re: [FFML][Fanfic][R1/2][Lemon] Shampoo 1/2 Chapter 38
Date: Thu, 26 Nov 1998 02:39:12 -0500

Angus MacSpon wrote:

Ranma 1/2 Presents:
Shampoo 1/2
Chapter 38

And With Naught But My Flesh, I Dared to Challenge the Gods 

Themselves

A nicely pretentions title, and one that's entirely appropriate to 

the

episode. :)

Thanks. I noticed my titles seem to be getting longer the further this
series goes. Still, as you say, it seemed appropriate for this one.

  My only problem is that it gives away a little too much.

Hmm. I never really thought of that, but I have to agree with you 

there.

Still, it seems perfect though.

I suppose you could always have stuck it at the end of the chapter....

 Fortunately that's not really necessary
here.  So, taking it scene-by-scene instead:

Works for me.

Me, too. ^_O

Comb and Cologne:
You've made Cologne a complex character over the series, 

And a perversely interesting one, at that.  Every time I would make up 
my mind that I had figured out how I felt about her, you'd change tack 
and I'd wind up doing a 180.

Shampoo after injuring Perfume:
The sudden, shocked realisation of what her training _means_.  Nasty.

Thanks. It was meant to be. And for Shampoo, it raised the question of 

is

she really willing to deal with the sacrifices one has to make as a 

leader?

At the moment, the question seems moot, but it could be one she still 

has

to answer.

For me, this was probably the weakest scene.  I think you could have 
pared it down a bit without losing too much--I got the point of it after 
the first time Cologne spoke.  While I didn't skim it (your writing is 
too good for that, even in "weak" scenes), I was glad when it ended.

Shampoo "sparring" with Ranma:
That same coldness in force, and the first signs that it's not 

permanent.

Indeed. You got the main point of the scene once again. I love the way 

you

can render these in relatively simple terms, yet hit on the key point
exactly every time. When I try to explain things, I tend to drone on 

and on

and on...

Heh.  Occupational hazard--like first-time grandparents on an airplane.

Shamps' musing over the advantages and disadvantages of a male form 

is

lovely... :)

Heh. Thanks.

Yes, it was well-done, but... 

It was ground I seem to recall having been covered before.  If not in 
detail, at least in impressions throughout the series.

Working out, and pondering the upcoming play:
So, gradually she admits that she loves him.  But there's Kasumi on 

the

side-lines...

Right on the nose again. It was yet another, and now one of the most
important, events in her life.

Kudos on this one.  Nicely done, and it gave us a better fix on the when 
of her changing emotions.  Here I felt the scene complemented the 
earlier chapters, rather than summarizing them.

The Lemon scene:
Well, nice to have all _that_ cleared up. 

After Kasumi's confession that 'Ranma' (Shampoo-kun) was a man among 

men

because they slept together, pretty much sealed the coffin there, 

though as

you say, this means that there are no doubts.

An eminently believable
demonstration of how those two could end up together.  

Thanks. Shampoo/Kasumi under any circumstance is difficult at best, 

even

here. 

Hell, man, you did a great job of it then!  I've been half-rooting for 
that as the final match-up.

Heck, it was almost as hard as creating 'Kasumi the Dominatrix' back in
'The Veils We Must Wear' (Yes, that was a plug as well as a general
comment. Cheap, I know. ^_^)

Tch.  I would never go so low as to plug 'Illuminations'.  ^_^

But it does leave
a _major_ thread hanging. 

Oh?

Don't even try to claim you were unaware of that!

Well, there really isn't any doubt she does love Kasumi. The catch is 

she

loves Ranma more, and with the reservations Kasumi has about Shampoo's
'female' form, that makes it all the more difficult for anything to 

come

about.

Yes, but that doesn't do Kasumi any good, now does it?  And for the 
record, yes, I did notice that your Kasumi made it clear she would 
havedone the same thing in Ranma's position:  "Do whatever you have to," 
or words to similar effect, I believe.

Fortunately
you did say that this isn't the last chapter... :)

Oh, it isn't. Not yet. Still a few things to tie up.

I trust that one of them is why Kasumi has been displaying psi-powers 
and the like?  I mean, c'mon, you can't just include stuff like that and 
then declare it to be unimportant.

Shampoo and Death:
I thought about it for a while, then decided that I was relieved that
you hadn't used Neil Gaiman's death. 

Oh? I got a complaint that I didn't use her. Heh. Curious.

Given the "Death appears according to the perceiver" theme, who says you 
didn't?  Oh, and does that mean Death=Beauty?

She wouldn't have fit here.

Yep. I do agree with you there. Happosi gets to meet a variation of a
'Death' used by someone else though (same physical appearence) and she
isn't Gaiman's either. Should be next chapter as Happi goes on to his 

final

'reward'.

I find this whole concept to be... disturbing.  Looking forward to it--I 
like to be disturbed.

One thing bothers me about this scene, and that's the discussion of
Oblivion.  It seems unnecessary, unless it's a setup for something to
follow.

*Nods.*

Ranma mourning:
Yes, I'd guessed that "it was disappoinement" that he felt when he 

saw

Akane.  

I still wanted to make sure that was clear. Sometimes I can't tell if 

I'm

being too subtle, or if I'm bashing everyone over the head and not
realizing it. But I guess that's one of the reasons feedback is so 

valuable

though. Thanks.

Nah, you struck a good balance here.

As for the rest: well,it takes a lot to break the dam on Ranma's
emotions.  

Indeed it does.

But it's worth it.  :)

Thanks again. 

As for Tarou's death: I found it difficult to feel anything at all 

about

this. 

Really. No pity at all?

Actually, I think part of the problem is the parallel release of this 
fic and Loader's "Ill Met" (You should have known somebody'dfind some 
way to blame youfor part of this, Mike!)  Too many of Tarou's actions 
were just a hair shy of IMBS's Ranma (manipulating Akane, threatening 
Nabiki) for anyone to feel too much pity for him.

But it does seem to leave Akane with nothing, 

At the moment. But she's only sixteen almost seventeen. It's not the 

end of

the world for her. It just seems that way, and not without good reason.

I do hope you aren't going to gloss over the fact that Ranma's decision 
really screws over Akane--loss of face as well as the emotional 
heartache.  Ranma's declaration about hurting others he cared about 
during the "oath" sequence (I don't know what else to call it) should 
have some basis.

even if he was "only
a friend", which seems a shame.

I admit, it makes his end all the more tragic. Still, he wouldn't have 

done

anything different in regards to saving her life, except trying to 

survive

the rockfall. He was a good bit less idealistic than the rest of the 

cast,

and knew she didn't love him (he would have added 'yet' in his mind,
though)

Ranma's apotheosis:

The only thing I can say here is that I'd like to see this filmed... 

:)

So would I. Any volunteers? ^_^

D'Amour and the boulder:
"Damn, I'm good!"  Oh, YEAHHH!  I want to see this filmed too.

I admit it, I love writing the crew of TWPOS. And D'Amour is such a
despicable lech, you have got to love to hate him. They get some time 

at

the start of the next chapter.

Next chapter?  Hell, man, give 'em a spin-off!

Arguing with Death:
Giving death a cat-face for Ranma was a good touch.  

Thanks.

(But it raises
interesting questions about why Shampoo's Deathwas tall, dark and
handsome.) 

Actually, he was short (she commented on it), and I thought I wrote he 

was

rather plain looking.  He was dark, though. 

You know, Shamps' time in the land of Death caused me a major 
brain-spasm.  When I read a fic, I'm usually reading on two levels:  the 
reader, who is just along for the ride, and the author, who's analyzing 
the technique and looking for good ideas to st--adapt.

  Now, when you first declared that Shampoo was dead, I accepted it, 
because I've learned that arguing a major point like that is a waste o' 
time.  But then when you started with the "walk into the light" schtick, 
I was sure, on the author-level, that I was about to be exposed to one 
of the most annoying cliches, to my mind:  "Someone we all care about is 
dead, but it's okay because we know she's really in Heaven and happy."

I actually had the scathing reply half-written in the author-mind, until 
the reader-mind suddenly interrupted and said, "Hey, asshole!  Take a 
look!"  And there was Shampoo, telling Heaven to go f**k itself.

Flamus interruptus is painful.  But it's a _good_ hurt.

The dual speech segment was wonderful, 

That was one of the my greatest worries; if the unusual style would 

work or

if people would go, *BLECH!* As I said, my muse told me to do it. So 

far,

nothing but compliments on it, thankfully. 

And mine.  On both levels.

Did you do something similar in 'Autumn and Spring'? I thought that was 

you

that wrote that wonderful piece. And I seem to remember two sets of
thoughts that were side by side until someone got decapitated.

I remember that scene as well, and this was another excellent use of the 
technique.  Done right, it's wickedly effective.  I just hope I never 
see it done wrong.

but the formatting
came out very uneven; you might want to look at this.

Allow me to vent here.

Feel better?

"I promise I'll be the first thing you see."  Yes.  Perfect.

Thank you again.

Sweet.  Very sweet.

Epilogue:
Perfection again.

Ah. Such sweet music to my ears. You give my ego cause to swell. I 

thank

you once more, though my friends will probably not once they learn they
have to stomp it into submission once more ^_^.

 Especially seeing that, when all is said and done,
Ranma is Ranma ...

Yep. As I said before, thank goodness others insisted I keep that 

ending.

It just FEELS right!

Yup.  Nice of you to give 'em the credit they deserve.

Overall:
Amazing.  The previous chapter was the one that I -- like, I suppose,
most other readers -- expected to be the climax of the story.  

Yes, I admit it was partially intentional so that this chapter would be 

the

clear cut climax of the series. Nice to see it seemed to work.

Of course, there's still enough detrius to build at least three 
continuations, but, hey, considering what I've got in mind as the end of 
Illuminations, I shouldn't gripe.

Instead
it was more of an anti-climax (though logically so -- there was 

really no

way that Maelstrom could have been taken out in any other way).

True. He was defeated not with force, but with a few words. I can see 

where

that would be anti-climatic. I counted on the fight with the Devils of
Kimone to suffice from the action standpoint since everyone got to 

strut

their stuff at one time or another. Hopefully, despite the contrast,
Maelstrom's end holds up in most people's eyes.

Yeah, although I did think of another option, but I won't kibitz.

 Instead,
this chapter is the climax, and far more dramatic -- and emotionally
satisfying -- than we had any real right to expect. 

Couldn't have said it any better meself.

WEEEEE!!! That's quite a compliment!!! Thanks a lot!!!

Very well done indeed.
And now, I look forward to the winding-up episodes to come ...

Give it a little time. I have to shine a few things up.

"A few things," he says.  Sheesh.

One final comment on the series to date:
Regarding the early, script-format chapters.  You've said that you 

intend

to rewrite them as prose; and the prose version of chapter 7 did 

appeared

a

few weeks ago.  Oddly enough, in this case I prefer the script 

version.

Oh my! That's odd. I really thought the script format was weaker by 

far,

due in no small part to the fact I was still quite the fledgling 

writer.

Also far fewer people commented on those chapters as well. It was quite 

the

surprise to me to have the number of responses pick up when I switched 

to

prose as the series continued. 

Curiously enough, I started reading when you went to prose, but I found 
the script format excellent for the purposes of catching up.

The early chapters of Shampoo 1/2 were very jokey, fast-moving 

pieces, 

And heavy on the original flavor, which is what the series was 

originally

going to have a lot more of. But it changed to me over time, and I am 

much

more satisfied with the later (around chapter 10) style of chapters. 

Not

necessarily that I mean to make the series dark and do away with humor. 

Not

at all (TWPOS should be proof of that). Despite the tone of the last 

couple

of chapters, I do not want this series to be considered dark at all, 

just

very suspenseful at times, action packed at others, with enjoyable
characterizations and heavy doses of humor throughout. Again, hopefully 

I

was successful.

Yeah, I think we've established that.

and
it just didn't work as well for me in prose form.  When you switched
to prose in chapter 8, the pace slowed down a good deal and the whole
tenor of the story changed. 

And it changed once more in chapter 10. I got some comments along those
lines around then. Part of the reason I wanted to change the early ones 

to

prose was to blunt that change if I could.

This was for the good; but still, a straight
translation from script to prose, such as you did for chapter 7, 

really

didn't work too well.

Chapter one would actually have a bit of new scenes added, so in theory 

it

should sound better. I'll try it and see what kind of response I get. 

Side note: Actually, I have considered leaving chapter 6 'The Ranma of 

the

Opera' intact as a script format story. That's still by far my favorite
script chapter, and I might not have the heart to change it.

D.B. Sommer

Cheers,
Angus

--Freemage,
    Who now only has to provide feedback on Pencils, Line-by-Line on 
Addicted 4, and LBL on Chapter 3 (all five parts) of Mr. Seales work, to 
make up for not getting back intime on the pre-read.  *sigh*

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