Angus MacSpon wrote:
Ranma 1/2 Presents:
Shampoo 1/2
Chapter 38
And With Naught But My Flesh, I Dared to Challenge the Gods Themselves
A nicely pretentions title, and one that's entirely appropriate to the
episode. :)
Thanks. I noticed my titles seem to be getting longer the further this
series goes. Still, as you say, it seemed appropriate for this one.
My only problem is that it gives away a little too much.
Hmm. I never really thought of that, but I have to agree with you there.
Still, it seems perfect though.
As for the rest -- well, I spent yesterday evening critiquing an 88K
'fic line-by-line, and I'm damned if I'm going to do it for something
that's half as long again! :)
Oh come on! I know you live for the challenge! Just drink lots of coffee
and quarentine yourself from the rest of humanity. ^_^
Fortunately that's not really necessary
here. So, taking it scene-by-scene instead:
Works for me.
Comb and Cologne:
You've made Cologne a complex character over the series,
She's one of the few characters that has no obvious flaws, like most of the
others. That makes it a bit easier to work with her and give her depth.
and this scene is
no exception to what's gone before. To see her admitting that she
couldn't
train Comb to be an Elder because she loved her too much -- and then
manipulating Shampoo into betraying, or abandoning, her own mother --
it's rather disturbing.
Well, I wouldn't call it so much as betraying or abandoning. Shampoo stays
in touch with her mother, though that's not clearly evident. Manipulating
events to go her way, that Cologne has certainly done.
But I can believe it of her...
When she sets her sights on something, she can be tenacious and
manipulative as anything.
Shampoo after injuring Perfume:
The sudden, shocked realisation of what her training _means_. Nasty.
Thanks. It was meant to be. And for Shampoo, it raised the question of is
she really willing to deal with the sacrifices one has to make as a leader?
At the moment, the question seems moot, but it could be one she still has
to answer.
One can see why Shampoo became colder afterward (at least until Ranma
broke through the shell).
Shampoo "sparring" with Ranma:
That same coldness in force, and the first signs that it's not permanent.
Indeed. You got the main point of the scene once again. I love the way you
can render these in relatively simple terms, yet hit on the key point
exactly every time. When I try to explain things, I tend to drone on and on
and on...
Shamps' musing over the advantages and disadvantages of a male form is
lovely... :)
Heh. Thanks.
Working out, and pondering the upcoming play:
So, gradually she admits that she loves him. But there's Kasumi on the
side-lines...
Right on the nose again. It was yet another, and now one of the most
important, events in her life.
The Lemon scene:
Well, nice to have all _that_ cleared up.
After Kasumi's confession that 'Ranma' (Shampoo-kun) was a man among men
because they slept together, pretty much sealed the coffin there, though as
you say, this means that there are no doubts.
An eminently believable
demonstration of how those two could end up together.
Thanks. Shampoo/Kasumi under any circumstance is difficult at best, even
here.
Heck, it was almost as hard as creating 'Kasumi the Dominatrix' back in
'The Veils We Must Wear' (Yes, that was a plug as well as a general
comment. Cheap, I know. ^_^)
But it does leave
a _major_ thread hanging.
Oh?
We've seen some of the aftermath of this scene
in earlier chapters,
Heh. That you have. ^_^
and Kasumi's apparent acceptance that "this cannot be",
but -- especially in view of Shampo'os closing words in this scene --
there
has to be a lot more that needs to be said on the subject.
Well, there really isn't any doubt she does love Kasumi. The catch is she
loves Ranma more, and with the reservations Kasumi has about Shampoo's
'female' form, that makes it all the more difficult for anything to come
about.
Fortunately
you did say that this isn't the last chapter... :)
Oh, it isn't. Not yet. Still a few things to tie up.
Shampoo and Death:
I thought about it for a while, then decided that I was relieved that
you hadn't used Neil Gaiman's death.
Oh? I got a complaint that I didn't use her. Heh. Curious.
She wouldn't have fit here.
Yep. I do agree with you there. Happosi gets to meet a variation of a
'Death' used by someone else though (same physical appearence) and she
isn't Gaiman's either. Should be next chapter as Happi goes on to his final
'reward'.
One thing bothers me about this scene, and that's the discussion of
Oblivion. It seems unnecessary, unless it's a setup for something to
follow.
It's who Mr. Domino was working for. That should be explained in detail
next time too. That's the problem when working with the elemental forces of
the universe, everyone is a small pawn on a gameboard that most of the
pawns can't even conceive. And yes, it was intended as a possible set up
for something else, but that's hard to say right now.
If not, dropping it probably wouldn't be a great loss.
Ranma mourning:
Yes, I'd guessed that "it was disappoinement" that he felt when he saw
Akane.
I still wanted to make sure that was clear. Sometimes I can't tell if I'm
being too subtle, or if I'm bashing everyone over the head and not
realizing it. But I guess that's one of the reasons feedback is so valuable
though. Thanks.
As for the rest: well,it takes a lot to break the dam on Ranma's
emotions.
Indeed it does.
But it's worth it. :)
Thanks again.
As for Tarou's death: I found it difficult to feel anything at all about
this.
Really. No pity at all?
But it does seem to leave Akane with nothing,
At the moment. But she's only sixteen almost seventeen. It's not the end of
the world for her. It just seems that way, and not without good reason.
even if he was "only
a friend", which seems a shame.
I admit, it makes his end all the more tragic. Still, he wouldn't have done
anything different in regards to saving her life, except trying to survive
the rockfall. He was a good bit less idealistic than the rest of the cast,
and knew she didn't love him (he would have added 'yet' in his mind,
though)
Ranma's apotheosis:
D.B.: (Grumbles as he gets out his dictionary once again) Looks like my
vocabulary isn't as great as I thought it was.
Now that I know what it is, apotheosis has got to be the best word to
describe that whole thing. Thanks for expanding my vocabulary. Now if only
I can work that into an idle conversation ^_^
The only thing I can say here is that I'd like to see this filmed... :)
So would I. Any volunteers? ^_^
D'Amour and the boulder:
"Damn, I'm good!" Oh, YEAHHH! I want to see this filmed too.
I admit it, I love writing the crew of TWPOS. And D'Amour is such a
despicable lech, you have got to love to hate him. They get some time at
the start of the next chapter.
Arguing with Death:
Giving death a cat-face for Ranma was a good touch.
Thanks.
(But it raises
interesting questions about why Shampoo's Deathwas tall, dark and
handsome.)
Actually, he was short (she commented on it), and I thought I wrote he was
rather plain looking. He was dark, though.
The dual speech segment was wonderful,
That was one of the my greatest worries; if the unusual style would work or
if people would go, *BLECH!* As I said, my muse told me to do it. So far,
nothing but compliments on it, thankfully.
Did you do something similar in 'Autumn and Spring'? I thought that was you
that wrote that wonderful piece. And I seem to remember two sets of
thoughts that were side by side until someone got decapitated.
but the formatting
came out very uneven; you might want to look at this.
Allow me to vent here.
AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH
I think the problem might be the wordwrap. The first time I did it in the
word file it was fine. On the text file it was fine. On the email, it was a
joke. And what you read was actually better then the first three times I
tried to line the blasted thing up. I had to alter the word file so much
that it looks totally out of line. That's
easily correctable, but it's still annoying.
"I promise I'll be the first thing you see." Yes. Perfect.
Thank you again.
Epilogue:
Perfection again.
Ah. Such sweet music to my ears. You give my ego cause to swell. I thank
you once more, though my friends will probably not once they learn they
have to stomp it into submission once more ^_^.
Especially seeing that, when all is said and done,
Ranma is Ranma ...
Yep. As I said before, thank goodness others insisted I keep that ending.
It just FEELS right!
Overall:
Amazing. The previous chapter was the one that I -- like, I suppose,
most other readers -- expected to be the climax of the story.
Yes, I admit it was partially intentional so that this chapter would be the
clear cut climax of the series. Nice to see it seemed to work.
Instead
it was more of an anti-climax (though logically so -- there was really no
way that Maelstrom could have been taken out in any other way).
True. He was defeated not with force, but with a few words. I can see where
that would be anti-climatic. I counted on the fight with the Devils of
Kimone to suffice from the action standpoint since everyone got to strut
their stuff at one time or another. Hopefully, despite the contrast,
Maelstrom's end holds up in most people's eyes.
Instead,
this chapter is the climax, and far more dramatic -- and emotionally
satisfying -- than we had any real right to expect.
WEEEEE!!! That's quite a compliment!!! Thanks a lot!!!
Very well done indeed.
And now, I look forward to the winding-up episodes to come ...
Give it a little time. I have to shine a few things up.
One final comment on the series to date:
Regarding the early, script-format chapters. You've said that you intend
to rewrite them as prose; and the prose version of chapter 7 did appeared
a
few weeks ago. Oddly enough, in this case I prefer the script version.
Oh my! That's odd. I really thought the script format was weaker by far,
due in no small part to the fact I was still quite the fledgling writer.
Also far fewer people commented on those chapters as well. It was quite the
surprise to me to have the number of responses pick up when I switched to
prose as the series continued.
The early chapters of Shampoo 1/2 were very jokey, fast-moving pieces,
And heavy on the original flavor, which is what the series was originally
going to have a lot more of. But it changed to me over time, and I am much
more satisfied with the later (around chapter 10) style of chapters. Not
necessarily that I mean to make the series dark and do away with humor. Not
at all (TWPOS should be proof of that). Despite the tone of the last couple
of chapters, I do not want this series to be considered dark at all, just
very suspenseful at times, action packed at others, with enjoyable
characterizations and heavy doses of humor throughout. Again, hopefully I
was successful.
and
it just didn't work as well for me in prose form. When you switched
to prose in chapter 8, the pace slowed down a good deal and the whole
tenor of the story changed.
And it changed once more in chapter 10. I got some comments along those
lines around then. Part of the reason I wanted to change the early ones to
prose was to blunt that change if I could.
This was for the good; but still, a straight
translation from script to prose, such as you did for chapter 7, really
didn't work too well.
Chapter one would actually have a bit of new scenes added, so in theory it
should sound better. I'll try it and see what kind of response I get.
Side note: Actually, I have considered leaving chapter 6 'The Ranma of the
Opera' intact as a script format story. That's still by far my favorite
script chapter, and I might not have the heart to change it.
Hope all this is of some help.
It sure was. Thanks a lot for all of the great indepth and insightful
commentary Thank you for the time and energy you devoted to it. Thank you
for everything and if there were any other really nice adjectives I could
think of I would call you them right now. ^_^
It's real late here on the East Coast and I got to work early tomorrow. So
if this thing seemed a little vague in some places, I apologize. I'm a bit
tired, and might have drifted a little here and there.
Thanks once again for your time and patience.
D.B. Sommer
Cheers,
Angus
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Angus MacSpon Allen
Gainsford
http://shell.ihug.co.nz/~macspon/
http://shell.ihug.co.nz/~macspon/