5

    In a small office building there sat two men. They looked like ordinary
slobs, but they were... uh... guess, they
were ordinary slobs.
    One of the slobs had his chin on the desk while looking at
the telephone that was a few inches away from him. Theother slob was sitting
at his desk reading 'The World Accordingto Garp'. The first slob got up from
his desk and looked at the empty mug on his desk. The first slob said to the
second slob,"Hey, Ryoucilo do we have any coffee?"
    Ryoucilo continued to read his book and said,"No, I don't think so,
Gary-chan."
    Gary's eyebrow twitched and he said,"Don't call me that."
Ryoucilo looked up from the book  and asked,"Call you what, Gary-chan?"
    Gary said,"That! Don't call me Gary-chan!"
    Ryoucilo said,"What's the big deal? So what if I call you Gary-chan?"
    Gary seemed to become embarrassed and said,"Well, you
know it's a term of affection and well..."
    Ryoucilo said,"Lemme guess. You think that my using that term isa sign
that I am interested in you sexually?"
Gary nodded his head and Ryoucilo began to chuckle. The laughter
increased and Gary became a little bit annoyed.
    Gary said,"Hey, it isn't that ridiculous an idea that you might be
attracted to me."
    But by then Ryoucilo was rolling on the floor laughing his ass off. Gary
just shook his head and said,"Fine, I'm gonna go steal somecoffee from the
people down the  hall."
    He picked up his mug from his desk and walked out of the room. As
Ryoucilo tried to stop laughing the telephone on Gary's desk began to ring.
He walked over to the desk and picked up the phone.
    He said,"Who's this? Uh, huh.... Government... Want our help...Wait a
minute? Best detectives in the country? Where the hell did you that shi-" He
would have finished that sentence had it not been for the very angry man
with the fresh mug of coffee.
Gary had snatched the phone from Ryoucilo and said,"What are you doing you
idiot?! We want business!"
    Ryoucilo said,"No need to get testy."
    Gary glared at him and talked into the phone,"I'm sorry about my
partner. I  thought he was on his medication. So, what type of job do you
want us to do... Uh, huh... What?! You've gotta be kidding me?!No way! No
how- That much? Okay."  He set the phone down and said,"Okay, we're going to
L.A."
    Ryoucilo raised an eyebrow and said,"Really? What's the
job?"  Gary said,"We've gotta get packed so let's get all of our stuff
together."  Ryoucilo's eyes narrowed and he said,"What's the
job?"  "Come on. We can't doddle around we have to get a move
on."  "What's the job?"  Gary looked at Ryoucilo and knew that he
was dead set on finding out.He said,"Well, you know who Hiroshi and Daisuke
are, right?"  Ryoucilo nodded his head and said,"Yeah, the most
ruthless bank robbersin Japan. Heard that they came over... to... America...
Gary, they don'twant us to catch those guys do they?"  Gary laughed
nervously. Ryocilo yelled,"You can't be serious! They'll tear us apart!
We'll be killed!"   Gary told Ryoucilo how much they were going to be paid.
  Ryoucilo said,"Well, we'll have to be going then, right?"  Gary
nodded his head and they walked out of the office.  In the halls you could
hear someone say,"Wait a minute! How are we goingto get there?"  "In my
Mazda."
"What are you crazy? That car won't make that long a haul!"
"Shut up! Size has nothing to do with a car's quality!"


4

He looked at the camera and waited for his signal.
He hated that he had to actually work four hours
a day preparing for this show. It almost left himno time for sex. Almost.
He smiled at his assistant who was standing off
stage. She smiled right back at him. Twenty assistants
and he had sex with every single one of them. He was
glad that his wife had been so understanding to his
needs and allowed him to carry on with these affairs.
Just as long as he taped the whole thing. When he
would give her the video she seemed to be extremely
happy. He sighed at the thought that his wife wasprobably a pervert. Oh,
well.
He noticed his cue and did what he did best. Talk like a pompous prick.
"Hello, America. This is Jim Johnson reporting live from
the studio in New York. Tonight, we have the shocking
story of two of the most natorious bandits who ever lived.
They have been hunted the world over by the C.I.A., the
F.B.I. and a bunch of other organizations with acronyms
for names. They are Hiroshi and Daisuke and they are inthe U.S.
We have here today psychologist Raymond D'th who has
worked on the side of the prosecution in death penalty
cases. Dr.D'th, what do you think of Hiroshi and Daisuke?"
  The old man who Jim was referring to was sitting across
from him and he began to talk,"I think that they are psycopathic
killers who should be put in the electric chair."  Jim asked,"Why, Dr.D'th?"
  "At a robbery of a convenience store they stole a six-pack of
Pepsi instead of the twenty-four pack of Coca-Cola. That shows
that they are brutal murederers who will keep on killing. I believe
that they are just like Hitler, except that they are two people."
  Jim said,"Do you have any proof to back up your theories onthe two?"
  Dr.D'th chuckled and said,"Of course I do. I wouldn't just say
something like that if I didn't have any proof."
  Jim said,"So, what's your proof?"  Dr.D'th said,"My degree in psychology."
  Jim smiled and said,"That's good enough for me. After these
comercials we're going to look at the lives of Hiroshi and Daisuke.
What wen wrong? Now, these messages."
  A little man came up to Jim and tapped him on the shoulder.
Jim looked at him and said,"Yes?"
The man handed him a letter and ran away from Jim as fast as possible.
Jim looked at the letter and almost had a heart attack. It was a supoena to
appear in court. His wife wanted a divorce. Jim thought,'Maybe she wasn't a
pervert after all.'


3

"We want answers now! You gonna give them to us or do we have to get rough?"
Dirty Larry growled out to the pimple faced teenager sitting in front of
him. The teenager responded in a squimish voice,"Ok-kay. I'll tell you what
you want to know."
Dirty Larry pulled back his fist and punched the kid in the nose. The
teenager fell out of his chair onto the floor.
"Larry! What the hell are you doing?! He said he was gonna to
cooperate!"cried out a short man who had been standing off to the side.
Larry blinked and said,"He-he did?"
"Yes, he did," responded the short man.
Larry screamed in agony. He would have kept it up had the teenager  gotten
his wits and pulled himself back into his chair while clutching his bleeding
nose.
"Kid! Let's do that over again," Larry told the scared youth.
"Wh-what?" the teenager asked while trying to staunch his nose bleed with
his shirt.
"When I ask you if you're gonna answer our questions say no," Larry
continued,"You gonna give us the answers or do we have to get rough?"
The teenager said,"Uh... No."
Larry punched the teenager in the nose sending him back to the floor.
"Now, my actions are justified!" Larry shouted proudly.
"Is this how you treat all your witnesses?" the teenager asked.
"Unfortunately," the short man said."So, kid can you tell us anything about
Hiroshi and Daisuke that we might not have gotten from the video camera in
the 7-11?"
The teenager thought for a second and shrugged his shoulders.
Sighing the short man said,"That's what I thought. You can go now."
When the teenager left the room the short man said,"So, besides that kid we
had no other leads, right?"
"Yeah," Larry agreed.
Dirty Larry thought for a second then yelled,"I've got an idea!"
"What's that?" the short man said.
"Let's go and beat up some people and see if they know anything!" Larry
yelled.
The short man said,"You mean you want to randomly punch people and see if
they have any information that we could use for this case?"
Larry nodded his head enthusiastically and said,"Isn't it a great idea?!"
"Actually-"
"Great! I'll get on it right now!" with that Larry rushed out of the room.
The short man sighed and said,"This is going to be a long assignment."


2


The two well dressed men looked at each other nervously. They
looked at the oak door in front of them, but neither of them made
a move for it. They stood in the hallway fidgeting until the older of
the two said,"You tell him."
"Hell no! You tell him!"
"Good lord no! You tell him!"
"No! You tell him!"
They would have gone on like that for a few minutes if it wasn't
for a secretary who walked by and said,"Why don't you both
tell him?"
Looking at each other the older of the two said,"That's not
such a bad idea."
"Yeah," the younger one said.
"Okay, on the count of three we go into the room and tell the President,"
the older one said.
"Okay."
Counting off the older one said,"One... Two... Three."
The younger one opened the door and rushed into the room.
He said,"Mr.President there is something impo-"
Looking behind him the younger one noticed his partner had
stayed outside of the office and was smiling smugly.
"What is it son?"
Turning around to face the voice he said,"Uh... Well... Sir,
Mr. Presidnet... The recent crime spree by Hiroshi and
Daisuke and their continued freedom has created huge
disapproval among the American people about your job
performance."
The President hmmmed and said,"Son, what's your name?"
"Charles Wilcox, Mr. President," he stated nervously.
"What party you belong to?" the President asked.
"I'm-I'm a Democrat, sir."
The President smiled brightly and said,"Good! I don't like
firing people from my own party! Why don't you go clean out
your desk?"
Charles said,"I-I don't have a desk, Mr. President."
"Even better! Get out of here now or I'll have you thrown out!"
Charles left the room and the older man stepped in.
"How are you doing Mr. President?" the older man said.
The President sighed and said,"Not so good, William. The American
people think it's my fault that those two hoodlums, Hiroshi and
Daisuke are still on the loose."
William faked shock and said,"You don't say."
The President said,"This is even worse when that kitty was stuck in
the tree. The reporters were on me for my poor dicision making in
that situation for a week! Who knows how long they'll be on my case for
this!"
"May I make a suggestion, sir?" William asked.
"Go head William."
William said,"Mr. President, you know what can bring up the spirits
of a country and can make even the worst of leaders look competent?"
"What?"
"A war. We just find some dipshit little island and wage war with them and
kick their asses all over the place," William said.
The President thought about it and said,"Sort of like that movie Wag the
Dog?"
William shaked his head and said,"Yeah, except thousands of civillians might
die."
"I love it!" the President shouted.
"I knew you would sir," William said.
"Wait, William! We have to wage war with a communist nation though."
"Okay, sir."
"Can't do Asia... Didn't work last time... Can't do Europe..."
The President snapped his fingers and shouted,"I've got it!"
"What sir?" William asked.
"Puerto Rico! We're gonna start a war with Puerto Rico!"
William looked puzzled as he asked,"But sir Puerto Rico isn't a
Communist nation."
The President smiled and said,"It is now."

1

Hiroshi ran out of the convenience store as fast as he possibly
could. On his heels was the owner of the store with a double
barrel shot gun.
"Come back here so I can kill you you punk!" the owner of the
store yelled before firing at the youth. Hiroshi ran even faster
clutching the bag of money close to his chest and held the broken
water gun in his right hand.
Running down the street towards the caddillac that was parked
next to the curb.
Hiroshi yelled,"Start the car!"
Daisuke stuck his head out of the window and said,"Why?!"
The trunk blew up from a shotgun blast and Daisuke started the car. Hiroshi
ran to the other side of the cadillac and jumped into the car.
Daisuke put the car into gear and the drove away from the scene of the
crime.
Looking back Hiroshi said,"Oh, God! That guy's still chasing us!"
"Ah, don't worry! He'll either give up or die of a heart attack!"Daisuke
yelled.
THUD!
"Wow! You sure know how to call him Daisuke."
Groaning Daisuke said,"Great! Now we caused a guy to die!"
"Oh, Daisuke he probably deserved it," Hiroshi said.
"Where would you gather the information to make that conclusion?" Daisuke
asked.
"Rationilization. Um, Daisuke the water gun I used in the robbery
fell to pieces. I think we might have to start using real guns."
Daisuke shook his head and said,"No. We can't use real guns, Hiroshi."
"Why not?"
"We don't want to hurt anyone!" Daisuke yelled.
Looking back Hiroshi said,"At least not intentionally."


KABOOM!

Fast, Cheap and Out of Control!

Coming Soon?!

Ryoucilo
Until I find better things to write about. Ja ne.