Sorry it took me a while to get to the time to properly C+C this. Real Life
gets in the way sometimes.



Yay! Public C+C. And all of it from the man who, around chapter 19, asked,
'About how many chapters are left?' and to which I foolishly replied, 'Oh,
only about nine or ten more. I don't see it going past that.'

*SIGH* The best laid of plans...

OOf, this this gonna take a bit of work to review.

Heh. They're bit to write too.^_^

I'd like to say in advance that I liked this series a lot, 

Thanks. 

even though I
think it would have been noticably better without all the "extra series"

You mean the little crossovers interlaced throughout? Most of them were
done simply for humor's sake. I can understand where they might be a bit
distracting since only a handful led to anything signifigant.

elements.  I'm going to go through and mention things that seemed a
bit...off to me.

That's what C+C is all about.

*FLKT*

Took me a minute to figure out what the hell this was supposed to mean.
Personally, I'd have just put *Flicker*, but that's a personal stylistic
standpoint.

<skip>


Re: Shampoo's mother & Cologne scene.
OK, never let it be said that Cologne isn't a hypocrite.  

Heh.

I don't know this
bit seemed a tad weird in that I'd personally expect Cologne to have

tried

with Comb first, and only have looked at Shampoo if Comb failed.  The
reasoning here didn't work for me, and IMO didn't fit with the
characterization of Cologne you've built up.

Hmm. I was a bit hamstrung here in that I had only a very limited amount of
space to give an explanaition (without dragging the scene) as to why
Cologne didn't go with Comb at first, and that the reasoning for it would
have to be given in such a way that a six year old Shampoo would have heard
it. The entire thing had to have been from Shampoo's viewpoint, and her
knowledge on the matter would be limited to an overheard comment. There
were sure to be other reasons, as well as the ones Cologne would have told
Comb's mother, that would have come into play for her not trying to use
Comb first. 

Still, I'll look it over and see if there's something else I can add or
modify to it to make it sound better.

Re: Shampoo and Perfume
Shampoo's (over)reaction here seemed a bit much, IMO.  

Since it was WAY back in chapter 15 that Shampoo and Perfume had their
conversation about this, I should have probably put in a brief reference to
Shampoo's mental state. Remember that she was thirteen years old, had been
without any sleep for three days, had been completely betrayed by the only
friend she totally trusted, and proceeded to maliciously maim said friend
when Perfume was helpless.  Now that Shampoo's gotten her 'revenge', she
has found out just how hollow it is at times. I'd say just about anyone
might have broken down under circumstances like that. 

Cologne's method of
trying to help her cope seemed a mite heavy-handed as well.  

That was deliberate. It was meant to show her child rearing skills were a
bit harsh at times, and that it was far from perfect.

All in all,
this bit seemed akward...maybe shorten it up a bit

I'll see what I can do. Maybe cut down on Cologne's reminecing.

Re:  Shampoo's early interaction with Ranma
*Applause*

Thank you.

VERY well done.  I really enjoyed this look into her head, and I feel

you've

captured her early characterization (as you portrayed her in the early
chapters) quite well.  

My thanks again. 

Again, bravo.  Allthough, I mst say, Ranma's showing
a peculiar amount of good sense in his recovery here.

It happens every now and then. Not too often though ^_^

Re: Shampoo and Kasumi (and the lemon scene)
BOOOHISSS!

Oh dear.

I'm sorry, I still take objection to this whole bit. 

Then you're really not going to want to read the side story I'll probably
devote to their little weekend once the whole thing's over. 

I somehow this it
would have been beter if everyone just THOUGHT those two did something
together and they really didn't.

The catch there is, no one except Nabiki (and the reader) thinks they did
anything. Even when Kasumi said point blank she and Shampoo had had sex
together 'a lot of times' no one else really believed it, otherwise they
would have said something, even after Ranma 'revealed' Kasumi was 'lying'.

 As for the lemon part?  A bit cliche, but
in lemons, what isn't?

Sad but true. It's not like there's really any new territory to cover, but
I tried to make it in as good taste as I could.

Re: Shampoo and Death Conversation (1)
I dunno.  It worked, and it didn't. 

Oh, a paradox. Just confuse me why don't you? ^_^

I suppose it matched with the general
way this story was going, especially the way this chapter was going,
but...but...it was just so...so...gauche, 

D.B.: (Grumbles as he looks through a dictionary) Fine, use obscure words I
don't know the defintion of. 

even down to the jokes. *snort*
That sounds awful, doesn't it?  Especially coming from me.  

Nah. It would sound awful coming from anyone ^_^. 

Actually, I understand what you mean. Scenes like that can be real hit or
miss sometimes. 

<Oh well, I'm

critiquing, I don't have to be justified. 

Heh.

As a way to fix it, I think it
would be nice if Death was a bit less personable.

The problem here is, Death doesn't work through 'agents' like Fate does
with the Seer or Oblivion does with Mr. Domino. Any 'personality' is going
to have to come directly from the aspect of him one is confronted with.
When Happosai encounters his conceptulization of Death, it displays
emotions to the pervert's behavior as well.

For the most part, you can blame it on the different versions of Death,
Marvel and DC (especially) use. Since Death pops up a couple more times in
this, leaving him without anything remotely like a personality is going to
leave the scenes monotonous.


And then there's the wedding appearence....

Re: Ranma's reaction to Shampoo's death.
Bravo.  'Nuff said on that point.  This worked

Great!

...unlike....

Not so great.

Re: Akane's reaction to Tarou's death.
I have less issue with Akane's reaction to Tarou's death (which worked

quite

well)

Well, at least there was that.

than with Tarou's death itself.  

Trust me when I say he was better off dead instead of getting the ending
that I had originally planned for him. Nabiki's vengence would have all but
destroyed him. This way he gets to be a hero in Akane's eyes, even if it's
post mortum. And no matter what he might have done in the past, he did bite
it as a hero.

Maybe it's Blade's bad influence on
me ever since I wrote Siblings. 

Blade, a bad influence? Nah. ^_^

*shrug*  I still think this was unfair.

It was.

But then, if Ai died I would have had issue with that too. 

Originally Ai was supposed to kick the bucket and Taoru lived, only to have
what honest life he started to build knocked out from under him. But then I
came up with a resolution I liked MUCH better (both for Ai and Tarou). Hope
you end up appreciating the irony of the situation too when I finally write
it.

I guess I'm just
a great fan for unilaterally happy endings.

I am too, generally. But that won't happen here, I'm afraid. Happy endings
for some, not so happy endings for others. But everyone isn't Maelstrom's
slave, so ultimately everyone came out ahead.

Re: Ranma's Epiphany and following actions.
*grin*  Now THIS, I liked. 

All right! Another hit.

Once again, it's a personal love, this time of
seeing characters reach beyond themselves into something greater. 

Yep.

All that
said...this sudden depth of understanding 

An epiphany as you said.

Ranma shows of everything, from
his own feelings to the way he wants to fix things seems a bit

unrealistic.

Do you mean the whole bit  comes too easily for him? Or is it something
else?

Also, Ranma's reasoning seemed a touch too...logical.  *shrug* Oh well.
That's my opinion.

And I thank you for expressing it. I love to hear all opinions, including
dissenting ones. All such criticisms are what makes us better writers.

 

Re: Everything at this point not related directly to Ranma
*yawn*  I know it needed to be there, I know that it's an established
literary device in situations such as these...hell, I've even used it
myself. 

Don't we all, though? Some literary devices we despise, but as you say, if
we don't use them, the stories we write can frequently become awkward. A
sacrifice sometimes, but we do what we have to do to get the end result we
want (hopefully).

It doesn't change the fact I skimmed these parts pretty quickly (on
my first) because I wanted to go back to see what Ranma & Shampoo were
doing.  You MAY want to consider that if you rewrite these parts. 

Quicker,

shorter bits would be more apropriate. 

I'll look them over and see of I can shorten a few here and there.

The focus here is on Ranma & Shampoo
far more than anyone else.

True, but I still have to touch on the others. Such as Ukyou's group
getting out of the mountain as well as the effects of what Ranma was doing
to the world. I needed to break up the whole resurrection bit, otherwise
just saying 'Ranma and Shampoo, Ranma and Shampoo' might have gotten
tedious in itself. 

Re: Ranma's bits at this point (up until the duality speech bit)
OK, I know I said I like seeing character become something greater and

all,

but this is ridiculous.  I'm sorry, but at the point Ranma was >"godlike"

You know, has there ever been a time when you're about to send out your
story, you look over it one last time, and you say to yourself. 'Maybe I
should cut that part out'? I looked over that passage specifically. Looked
at it and reread it twice. Almost cut it, then I thought, nah. What
difference could it make?

<SEND>

(one second later)

SH*T! I should have cut it!

That whole 'losing himself to godhood' part is gone. I'll see what I can do
about shortening other parts of his rise to power, at least a little. I
openly admit to the greatest flaw in my writing style is a desire to be
overly melodramatic (my greatest flaw, period, is my grammar. Ask Gary
Kleppe if you don't believe me). Usually I restrain it, but here I gave it
full reign. A little too much full reign, perhaps. (And there was someone
that warned me I might be going overboard. Should have thought about it a
bit longer)  But that's one of the advantages to the FFML. People let you
know what works, what doesn't, and why. Thanks for reassuring me about that
part being a bit too much. Like I said, I'll see what I can do about
shortening the others a bit.

I> simply went "oh please" and found myself irritated with the whole

scene.

Heh. I definitely should have cut at least that part.

 

Re: The dual speech bit.
NICE TOUCH.  

Thanks. I thought it was. Usually I don't give in to unusual 'styles' like
that, but my muse hit me with the sudden inspiration. That you complimented
me on that particular part swells my ego (So be careful from now on ^_^)

Very cute.  I like how you've made love to be something
completely neutral here, that can take one to the height of goodness or

evil

at this point,

Yep. One of the things I wanted to express was that love can be damn
selfish and inconsiderate at times. After all, basically what Ranma does
here is essentially wrong (of course, how many of us would move mountains,
if we could, for a loved one if we had to, even if it meant the possibility
of hurting others)? Ranma is risking many other people's lives, including
those close to him, for a chance to bring Shampoo back. The needs of the
one are outweighing the needs of the many. Now in spite of the risk, I
would approve of what he did (and hopefully that came through in the
writing). Reason dictates he shouldn't have done it, but my heart says he
should have. What can I say? I'm basically a romantic.

And fortuneately he took the chance and it paid off. No one was harmed
permenately by his actions. The weather's going to be screwed up for a
while though. Some people are going to end up a wee bit uncomfortable until
things right themselves. And of course, when it snows in July and people
shout out "RANMA!!!" It really will be his fault. ^_^

even if I take personal moral issue with some of your
descriptions of love.

Hold on. My outlook on the feeling of love is considerably more upbeat than
what is portrayed in those questions. What I wanted to do with that part
was emphasize what a risk Ranma was taking in wielding such power, all for
the sake of one person. Selfish? Yes, but as you said, love can be bad as
well as good and I wanted to express that. As to love itself, its good side
far outweighs the bad, IMO. If I felt otherwise, the ending would have been
considerably darker. No. This was a case of love conquering all, even
Death, in the end. That was the most important thing I wanted to do with
this chapter.

 A question: Who the heck is the cat girl?

Death. Ranma's personification of it. If he had failed to agree to each of
the questions he was asked, Shampoo would have been lost to him forever. He
had to be WILLING to do all of those things in order to get her back (and
she had to be willing to do all of the things Death asked of her)
Fortunately they will not be called upon to do all of the things mentioned.
Unfortunately, some of them will come true.

Re: The coming back of Shampoo.
One word: AWWWWWwwwwwwwwww.  Good work.

Thanks. From the beginning this was always intended to be a 'Shampoo gets
Ranma fic' (with lots of other good stuff thrown in ^_^). When I first
started it, the only one I had read up to that point was 'Purple Haired
Destiny' and that wasn't even complete. 

Speaking of which, it's time to publically play 'Kick the Ryan Anderson's
Behind to Get Him Inspired to Write More of It' . Any chance of seeing the
next part of that soon, RA? You are moving with Zen-like speed here, you
know ^_^

Re: The epilogue.
Look up one section, repeat that.  Nice to see a brush with death/godhood
hasn't changed them any. 

And the horrible part was, I wasn't going to include that originally. It
was a momentary whim that I chose to include it in the prereader versions.
Luckily, almost all of them practically demanded it be left in. And luckily
I listened. It would have been a mistake not to put in something letting
readers know that, as many thing there are that have changed, some things
remain the same.

I also like where you've left it...resolved,

but

not resolved to death.

Well, there are other chapters that will wrap things up. But as far as
leaving some things unresolved to finish up this chapter, I agree. It would
have been awkward to include more.

In conclusion:
DB, I applaud you for taking this entire fic to the end.  

It wasn't easy. Except for two one shot stories I wrote, the last 14 months
or so have been devoted to this one fic. But compliments like this make all
that time worthwhile. (Yeah, yeah! I know I sound all WAFFY now. Bite me!
^_^)

And technically this was the climax. I let you know the 'final' fates of
others in the denouement chapters of the series. That should only take...

Nah. I'm not falling for that one again. 

. It was a fun trip,
one that I was glad to follow in the time it took you to make it.  Bravo.

Thanks again. Considering this whole thing started out as my first fic, and
in script format no less, I consider it a miracle I recieved the amount of
positive reposnses that I did. I'm going to have to get on to converting
the rest of the first six chapters into prose. With any luck my writing
skills have improved and it'll sound even better the second time around. 

Question: What's next?

After this is really finally all done (soon, I hope) I have a couple of
ideas. Mostly Ranma, but I might start on that Tenchi/Ranma fusion. The one
with the teaser I posted back in October...of 1997.

Hmm. Now that I think about it, I have a Ranma/Avengers fusion that I have
partially done (Half of chapter 1 and the outline for the first story arc).
That will probably be next on the agenda. There's something appealing about
having Ranma as being both Captain Nerima, and his own sidekick, Bucky (No.
He isn't split in two. He has to do both roles as one 'normally' cursed
person ^_^). Of course he's going to have his hands full since Ryouga gets
hit with the Gamma Bomb and becomes the Hulk. Plenty of amusement for the
others as well. Hopefully it'll prove fun to write.
 

In Conclusion:

What can I say but, thank you very much for all the time and effort you put
forth in doing this commentary and for the comments I received from you
before this. As I mentioned before, stuff like this makes it all
worthwhile, and without the comments of you and others, there was no way I
would have been as inspired as I was to complete this series. I might have
lost interest in it halfway or not tried as hard as I did to make it as
enjoyable as I could, and certainly I would not have worked at the speed I
managed to complete it. My thanks to all, and congratulations for reading
this rather long winded response of mine.


D.B. Sommer

--
Christopher Angel
c_j_angel@hotmail.com
http://www.geocities.com/~ca_godboy
Engineer for Hire