Dave:  Round 2!  Get your airsickness bags ready.
James: You ain't kidding.
Susie: Shh.. It's starting.
Dave:  And oh, how we wish it would end.

Ranma 1/2

Chapter 2

"What The...."

        Orion awoke on a grassy plain.  Noticing that this wasn't the univerisity, he looked 

James: I shall refrain from the expected Kansas reference.
Dave:  Thank the Gods.
James: Not a problem, Toto.
Dave:  ...

around frantically, trying to gather enough information to figure out
what had happened.  He saw a farm in the distance.  He decided that he
couldn't do anything just standing around, he started walking towards
the farm.  As he got closer to the farm, he noticed a band of rogues
roughing up the farmer.


Susie: Who uses the word 'rogue' nowadays?
Dave:  This genius, apparently.
James: Isn't that some sorta makeup?
Susie: That's 'rouge', sweetie.
Dave:  Jim, it's another word for a hairpiece.
Susie: <getting steamed> Thats a rug.
James: No, its a sheer mountain range.
Susie: Thats a RIDGE.  Now shut up.
Dave:  Maybe its a--
Susie: <smacks them both with her remote>
Dave & James: Oww..
Susie: <smirk>

        He ran towards the group.  When he was within ten feet, he stopped and yelled.  *"Leave him alone."* Orion said, menacingly.

Dave:  Remarkably calm for someone who's yelling.
James: Maybe they're hard of hearing.
Dave:  Or the author is hard of thinking.

        The rogue leader stopped and stared at him, obviously trying to figure out what Orion had just said.  The rogue leader decided that Orion had insulted him and attacked.

Susie: How can you lead rogues?  Isn't that contradictory?
James: They must be really lost.
Susie: Wouldn't they be a group of Ryouga's?
James & Dave: <smack her with both their remotes>
James: Just watch.. er, read.. the fic.

        Orion smiled as the rogue leader charged with his sword intent on spearing him, Orion slid left and stuck out his foot.  The leader was going too fast to stop and tripped over Orion's foot.

Dave:  Don't say it.  Just don't say it.
Susie: <innocently> Moi?
James: Have a nice trip! <ducks>
Dave:  I SAID DON'T SAY IT!!

        Orion turned to see the rest of the rogues charging.  Orion quickly counted them and found that there were only six lackeys.

James: Well, are they rogues or lackeys?  Make up yer dang-blasted mind!
Susie: And are they using Visa or MasterCard?
Dave:  ...

        A single round-house kick hit one into two other lackeys sending the three to the 

Dave:  At least his math skills are accurate.
James: Don't count on it.  This is chapter two, and thats two too many.

ground.  A fourth lackey caught a fist to the face.  A fifth weilding a
staff swung at Orion as he ducked, the staff caught the sixth lackey in
the face.  Orion stood up and  threw a 

Susie: Now *thats* a staff meeting.
James: ...

swift kick to what would have been the lackey's stomach if the lackey
hadn't charged.  The 

Susie: Instead he hit the ruffian's credit slip.
Dave:  I want a refund from this fic.
Susie: Sorry, chum.  All sales are terminal.  Er, I mean final.
James: Same thing, with this dud of a fic.

kick caught the lackey in the groin, who collapsed.  The rogue leader
was already up as Orion 

Dave:  His groin collapsed?!
James: It would seem so.
Dave:  Harsh.

turned around.

        The rogue leader pointed at Orion, the himself, indicating a one-on-one fight.  Orion nodded.

Susie: The almighty Himself!  Praise be thy anonymity!
James: Again with the rogue leader.  Whats he leading if he's rogue?
Susie: I still say it's a bunch of Ryouga's.

        The lackeys walked past Orion and stood behind their leader.  Orion began running as 

the rogue leader did.  The rogue leader threw a series of carefully
timed punches, all of which Orion blocked.  *"Branch fist!"* Orion
yelled, throwing a single punch.  The rogue leader collapsed.


All: **Branch fist?!**
Susie: Come ON..
Dave:  He must be a Druid.
James: Funny, he doesn't look Druish.
Susie & Dave: <GROAN>
James: What'd I say?
Susie: What the hecks a branch fist?  Woodland Martial Arts?
Dave:  Naah.. Fast Food Martial Arts! 
James: Huh?
Dave:  You know.. The Branch fist.. The Franchise kick.. The
Marketing-Ploy Smash..
Susie: <smashes her sidetable into Dave's head> ENOUGH!

        The lackeys raced up to their leader.  They looked at Onion, disbelieving.  They picked up their leader and ran leaving their weapons behind.

James: Onion Man strikes again!
Susie: He definitely stinks, thats for sure.

        The farmer yelled some chinese insults at them (Author's note: I won't even try to translate the words.), then turned to Orion and started thanking him.  Orion realized he was in China. He mentally thanked his mom for signing him up for chinese and japanese language classes.

Dave:  Yeah, thanks mom.  I coulda been in Gym, tryin to score with the
girls in the next class, but nooo...

        {"Thank you very much."} the farmer said, bowing deeply.  

James: You're welcome, bloke.  Now if you don;t mind, could you stand
away a bit?  You smell like cow flop.
Susie:  No, thats the fic you're smelling.

        Orion noticed that the famer had brown eyes, grey hair, was about his height, and 

Susie: The famer?  He's ready for his closeup, Mr. DeMille.

worn muscles.  Orion swore that if it weren't for the hair color, the
old farmer would look about in his mid-twenties.


James: Age or remaining brain cells?

        {"They won't bother you for a very long time."} Orion said confidently. The farmer laughed and nodded.

        {"You must be tired and hungry.  Please allow me to properly thank you by giving you some dinner, some new clothes, and shelter for the night."} the farmer said.  Mentioning food, 

Susie: You can even have my daughter for the night, kind stranger.
Dave:  Ooh, burn.

Orion's stomach grumbled, and the mention of new clothes made Orion look
down at his jumpsuit.


James: Anyone would look down on that thing.  He looks like a bloody
Smurf. Literally.

         The jumpsuit's arms and legs were completely torn up. The torso area was some what salvagable, but Orion dismissed the idea.  It would just look goofier.  But the one thing that 

Dave:  Is looking goofier than a red-and-blue superhero jumpsuit
possible?
James: Sure.  He could be in a burlap sack.
Susie: I wouldn't mind getting him in the sack.
Dave:  Susie!!

surprised Orion the most was that for all the damage on his jumpsuit, he
was completely uncut.


Susie: Hmm..  Must not be a Jewish gent, then.
Dave:  Susie!! Must you?!
Susie: As often as possible, chum.
James: <laughing quietly>

        A thought popped into the farmer's head, seeing as Orion was uncut and he had on strange clothes.  {"You're not a dragon, are you?"} the farmer asked worriedly.
        {"No, just a lost traveler."} Orion answered.  The farmer smiled.  Something about 

Susie: Ahh..  He IS Ryouga!
Dave & James: I give up.

that smile reminded Orion of a certain car dealer that had, in thirty
minutes, convinced Orion to buy a thirty year old station wagon that
didn't have an engine or tires. 


James: Ahh..  The legendary Chrysler Stump.  Great for sitting, didn't
move worth a damn.
Dave:  Just like this fic.  It sure isn't goiing anywhere.

        That evening, after a lengthy bath, Orion was in a grey shirt and black pants.  The shirt and pants looked odd, but nice.  Convincing the farmer that he had been wandering around the mountains for months, Orion learned that the year was roughly one thousand, five hundred years in the past, give or take a few years.

Susie: About the time the final can of SPAM was produced.
Dave:  Sounds about right.

        Orion remembered a crudy show about some guy that went around in time, fixing mistakes and then going to some other place and time.  Orion shuddered at the thought, but dismissed it since no one had come to help him.

James: Quantum Crap?
Susie: Diarrhea Leap?  It's fitting, seeing as this fic is a real piece
of s--
James & Dave: SUSIE!!

        As Orion headed down stairs, the farmer told him it was time to eat.  {"You'll finally get to meet my little girl, Shana."} the farmer said proudly.

Susie: Ah, here we go.  The lemon scene!
Dave:  This whole fic is a lemon.  A big one.

        {"Who's Shana...."}  Orion managed to say before a beautiful young girl walked in carrying a tray of food.

James: Shana!  Come back, Shana!  <kudos if you get the reference>
Dave:  <groan>

        {"Father, are you trying to marry me off on another......"} Shana began.  She was about three inches shorter than Orion, with black flowing hair, greyish-blue eyes, and a red dress that complimented her nicely.

Dave:  <drooling> Yummm...
Susie: <smacks him with her remote again> ...

        It was about three seconds after she had entered the room, that Orion noticed his jaw had dropped.  She stared at him and began to blush.
        {"Daughter, you had better serve that food before it grows to cold to eat."} the farmer said abruptly.
        Shana quickly passed out the food.  It was about half a minute before Orion spoke.  {"Uh, so.  Um, do...do you have any other family?"} Orion said, trying to start up a conversation.

Dave:  Yeah, any more hotties like this one?
Susie: <starts to glow a bright blue, which Dave somehow doesn't notice>
James: Dave, quit while you're ahead. <mutters> While you still *have* a
head, that is..

        {"No.  Shana's older sister died a few years ago at Jusenkyo.  Her mother died when she was just two years of age."} the farmer replied.  Orion winced.

James: Her mother was *two*?!
Dave:  Couldn't take this fic for long, could she?

        {"I lost my parents when I was only five. And I no longer have many relatives."} Orion said, remembering the pain.  [Or friends], Orion thought.

        {"So, you lost your family, too."} Shana said, sadly.

James: I say they're hiding from the author.
Susie: See? They ARE the lost branch of the Hibiki family!
Dave:  Susie.  Take a breather.

        Seeing both of them in a sad state, the farmer asked Orion {"How old are you?"}

Susie: A sad state?  Despair?
Dave:  Shock?
James: California?

        {About eighteen."} Orion said cautiously.

        The farmer nodded and said {"Shana's fifteen.  If you're not married, why don't you marry her?"} (In medival ages and before, It was standard practice to be married before twenty.  And it was acceptable to marry after fourteen.) 

James: Oooh... Fanfic hits a new low.  Jailbait fics.

        Orion turned his head and spat out the water he had been drinking.  Orion began coughing forcefully.

Susie: Spit takes.  Gatta love spit takes.
James: Unless you;re the one being spit on.

        Shana was worried that Orion might choke to death.  Orion had just finished coughing 

James: PLEASE choke to death.
Dave:  End our torment!  DIE!

when Shana reached him.  {"Father.  You should know that almost every
guy does that when they're drinking water.  So, why do you keep timing
it like that?"} She asked angrily.


Susie: <as farmer> I work for the Galactic Plaque-Fighters Guild.  I
always give them the newest formula of hyper-mouthwash.  The side
effects are getting more and more minor now!  A few more years and we
should have that 'spontaneus brain hemmhoraging' thing knocked!"

        {"Just to see they're reaction."} the farmer said laughing.

Dave:  Yeah, seeing them wet themselves is SOOO hilarious.

        Orion stared at the farmer, then at Shana.  He blushed.  {"Well, all the other boys around here are scum.  You're the first not to propose or try to rape Shana before a single word is said."} the farmer declared.

James: Hell, give me a minute, I'll get to it...

        {"I'll.....I'll have to think about this.  I mean, this is so sudden and I've never really thought marriage for a long time."} Orion said.

Susie: <wipes a tear from her eye> That's so sad..
Dave:  It is?
James: Must be a woman thing.  I think it's pathetic.
Susie: You two are so unromantic.
Dave:  Well DUH.

        (Author's note: Caution: Flashback)

Dave:  Reader's Note: Caution! Disinterest.

        Orion was sitting in front of an altar.  The church he was in was empty.  A reverend walked up behind him.  *"I have to say that I don't think she's coming."* The reverend said.

        *"I don't understand.  We were in love.  Why didn't she come?"* Orion said to no one.  He stood up and left.

James: Considering you're a loser in a bad fanfic, I wonder why.
Dave:  'Nuff said.

        (Author's note: End Flashback)

Susie: Reader's Note: Still disinterested.
         

        {"I haven't had much luck with weddings either."} Orion told them.

        {"Take all the time you need."} the farmer told him. 

Dave:  Just longer than it takes to read this turkey, thank you.
James: What happens then?
Dave:  I thank the Gods I'm still sane, if thats the case.

        {"Thank you."} Orion replied.
        The next day, Orion walked into the forest to meditate and consider the farmer's offer after telling the two what he was going to do.

Susie: I have some suggestions what he could do.
Dave:  Or where he can go, for that matter.

        It was a hard decision.  She was beautiful, but the farmer was trying to unload her like unwanted cargo and he might disrupt the time line or something like that.  But, she was BEAUTIFUL and very open minded.  He thought about it, weighing the good and the bad.

Dave:  Heh, heh..  He said "hard".
Susie: <fuming> Sure, why not? Marry a fifteen year old girl you've
known for two days and ignore us 'old maids', eh?
James: You're barely older than her, Suze.. <rolls his eyes> What
crawled up your butt?
Susie: <glaring> Just read the fic, jerk. <grumbling> Typical male..

        After two days, he had decided.  As he came near the house, Shana came up to him and told him {"Father is sick!  Hurry!!"}

Dave:  Sick of this fic, no doubt.
Susie: Him and me both.

        When they got to the house, the farmer was on a bed.  Orion checked his pulse.  The farmer was already cold.  {"How long has he been like this?"} he asked Shana.

James: About two chapters.

        {"Not long."} she replied.

        Orion tried CPR for six minutes before he stopped.  The farmer was dead.

Dave:  SOMEONE gets out of this fanfic.
James: Give it another chapter, you'll wish for death, too.

Shana burst into tears.  Orion shook his head and damned himself for not being able to use his abilities.

James: Wow... Spontaneous human hydrocombustion!  COOL!
Dave:  Don't damn yourself, Orion... We're damning you enough as it is.

        Later that evening, Orion buried the old farmer and left a marker.  That night was unusually quiet.  When Shana woke up the following morning, Orion was standing next to her bed.  {"I'm sorry about your father.  It's always hard to lose someone you care about."} Orion 

Susie: Luckily, I don't care.

began.

        {"He kept telling me he was dying.  I just never took him seriously."} Shana replied.  She sighed.

Dave:  Good thing.  I didn't either.
James: He's quite seriously gone, though.  I envy him.

        {"I did consider his offer.  I went to the nearest village and bought this from a merchant."} Orion said holding up a bejeweled necklace.

Susie: Well I'll bedamned.
Dave:  We certainly will be if this chapter doesn't end soon.
James: My thoughts precisely.

        Shana took the necklace into her hands and admired it.  Then she realized {"The nearest town is two days away."}

        {"I ran."} Orion replied.

Dave:  I'm about to as well.

        Shana stared at him.

        {"I took a horse."} Orion tried.

Susie: Look, pal..  Your kinky sex life is NOT something I wanna know
about.
Dave & James: SUSIE!!

        {"We have no horses."} Shana told him.

        {"I bought it from a traveling merchant."} Orion said.

        {"You don't have any money."} Shana countered.

        {"Alright, a band of thieves came by last night, I beat them up and took it."} Orion confessed.

        {"That's better."} Shana replied, returning her attention back to the necklace.  She put it on.

        They smiled.  {"And yes, I will marry you."} Shana answered his question before he could ask it.

        {"That's great.  I would hated to get a scar for nothing."} Orion told her.

Dave:  Please tell me this won't go on much longer.
James: Okay, but I'd be lying.  Theres eleven more chapters of this
thing.
Susie: Oh my lord.
James: No use praying, it won't save us now...
Dave:  We're doomed. 




-- 
"Hell is an idea firstborn on an undigested apple dumpling."
--
Chris Coonen
Reddeath@lvdi.net