Seemed like you'd dropped off the face of the earth for a while,
Grayson.  Welcome back.  Anyway, let's see here...

It was the weirdest thing.  I was watching Eva and heard "Fly
Me to the Moon" one too many times... and off I went.  Took 
me a while to get back.  I can't tell you how hard it is to hold
your breath that long.

I'll note first of all that the chapter is mislabelled Chapter 5 
in the Subject header on your messages.  But anyway, more 
specifically...

If I may quote Jefferson Davis here... "Doh!"
                      

There was no way in hell he was going to try to emulate Ryouga's 
bakusai ten-ketsu training - only a total fool would put himself 
through that.

Or herself.  Good use of dramatic irony.  

Thank you.

Ryouga eyed the contents of the bag.  "Those are acorns,"
he observed.

Ah, but are they African or European acorns?

I... I don't know that... WAAAHH! 

Ranma grumbled irritably to himself a bit, then composed
himself.  "It's better to show you than explain," he stated.
"Watch closely."

The first sentence sounds a wee bit clunky to me; the repeated
'himself' mostly.  What about:

'Ranma grumbled irritably for a bit, then composed himself.'

You're right.  That does sound better.

"Where are you going?" Ukyou said from behind him.  Her voice
was tight and strained.  He didn't look back at her as he
responded.

"I'm gonna sleep a little bit apart from you guys," he said.
He didn't explain why.  He didn't know if his self-training
idea had any chance of succeeding at all, but he figured it
couldn't hurt to take a few precautions if it did.  "Get some
rest.  We've got another hard day tomorrow."

Given the 'he responded' that ends the first paragraph, the
'he said' is probably unecessary in the first sentence of the
second paragraph.

I think I'll change that.  Thanks.

clatter<

This is just a personal preference of mine that I know a lot of
authors don't adhere to... but isn't it almost as easy to write
a description of the sound in prose rather than insert a slightly
obstrusive script-style sound effect?

Normally I agree with you.  The somewhat cheap prose shortcut
was a case of "Just get through the damned chapter!"  I expect
there are a few such... er, expedient moments in Chapter 6.  

Ranma looked at her like she'd gone nuts.  Allergic to bee
stings?  Who ever heard of something like that?  What, did
that means she got a runny nose when she got stung?  "Ucchan,
if you ain't willin' to put yourself on the line for your
trainin', you're never gonna be a real martial artist."

Hmm.  Ranma's certainly a real bastard in this chapter.  It's
perfectly IC, but not very pleasant to watch.

I was a little surprised that so many people thought he was such
a bastard for this one.  To me, this was typical Takahashi-style
misunderstanding.  Ranma has no idea that he jeapordized Ukyou
in such a serious way, and Ukyou has no idea that Ranma has no
idea.  He's not being a nice guy here, but he's still the victim of
miscommunication (as much on Ukyou's part as his own).  Nobody
in the Ranma-verse is very good at explaining anything.

"It's just..." Ukyou tried to put the right mixture of
nonchalance and suggestiveness into her tone, "I was hoping
you wouldn't be sleeping so far away from me... us, I mean..."

Ukyou makes the classic Freudian slip, I see.

Or a lame attempt at seduction, depending on how you want
to look at it.  

"It's pathetic," he spat angrily, wiping his face with the
back of his hand.  "It's a pitiful mockery of human love, but
it's all I've got.  You can't know what it's like to be so
wretched and lonely.  You're so cute and friendly, and
everybody likes you."

Now... given Ukyou's previous manipulation of Ryouga over the
whole Akari/Akane issue, it might be good for this whole scene to
raise a little more guilt in her about her actions there.  A
mention, perhaps?

Probably.  I'll go back and look at that again.

Well... I've always believed it's rather silly to start fervent
arguments over points that can be left up to an author's 
individual interpretation and desires for their work.  (And if 
anyone cares to argue that belief...)

I seem to have done it anyway with the matter of Ukyou's
skill level in martial arts.  Oh well.

A very good transitional chapter.  Lots of character development
(particularly Ryouga and Ukyou), and a number of nice scenes with
the same mixing of humour and seriousness that you've done very
well in Relentless.  Also no spelling or grammatical errors that
I caught; overall, very polished work.

Awaiting the next chapter (hopefully with more Tarou ^_^) quite
eagerly.

Ciao,
-Alan Harnum

More Tarou?  It's on the schedule.  

Many thanks for your thorough C&C.  I'm glad you're enjoying 
the story!


Grayson Towler
grayson@rigroup.net

http://www.rigroup.com/~grayson/relentless