OOf, this this gonna take a bit of work to review.



I'd like to say in advance that I liked this series a lot, even though I
think it would have been noticably better without all the "extra series"
elements.  I'm going to go through and mention things that seemed a
bit...off to me.

*FLKT*

Took me a minute to figure out what the hell this was supposed to mean.
Personally, I'd have just put *Flicker*, but that's a personal stylistic
standpoint.

<skip>


Re: Shampoo's mother & Cologne scene.
OK, never let it be said that Cologne isn't a hypocrite.  I don't know this
bit seemed a tad weird in that I'd personally expect Cologne to have tried
with Comb first, and only have looked at Shampoo if Comb failed.  The
reasoning here didn't work for me, and IMO didn't fit with the
characterization of Cologne you've built up.

Re: Shampoo and Perfume
Shampoo's (over)reaction here seemed a bit much, IMO.  Cologne's method of
trying to help her cope seemed a mite heavy-handed as well.  All in all,
this bit seemed akward...maybe shorten it up a bit.


Re:  Shampoo's early interaction with Ranma
*Applause*
VERY well done.  I really enjoyed this look into her head, and I feel you've
captured her early characterization (as you portrayed her in the early
chapters) quite well.  Again, bravo.  Allthough, I mst say, Ranma's showing
a peculiar amount of good sense in his recovery here.

Re: Shampoo and Kasumi (and the lemon scene)
BOOOHISSS!
I'm sorry, I still take objection to this whole bit.  I somehow this it
would have been beter if everyone just THOUGHT those two did something
together and they really didn't.  As for the lemon part?  A bit cliche, but
in lemons, what isn't?

Re: Shampoo and Death Conversation (1)
I dunno.  It worked, and it didn't.  I suppose it matched with the general
way this story was going, especially the way this chapter was going,
but...but...it was just so...so...gauche, even down to the jokes. *snort*
That sounds awful, doesn't it?  Especially coming from me.  Oh well, I'm
critiquing, I don't have to be justified.  As a way to fix it, I think it
would be nice if Death was a bit less personable.

Re: Ranma's reaction to Shampoo's death.
Bravo.  'Nuff said on that point.  This worked...unlike....


Re: Akane's reaction to Tarou's death.
I have less issue with Akane's reaction to Tarou's death (which worked quite
well) than with Tarou's death itself.  Maybe it's Blade's bad influence on
me ever since I wrote Siblings.  *shrug*  I still think this was unfair.
But then, if Ai died I would have had issue with that too.  I guess I'm just
a great fan for unilaterally happy endings.

Re: Ranma's Epiphany and following actions.
*grin*  Now THIS, I liked.  Once again, it's a personal love, this time of
seeing characters reach beyond themselves into something greater.  All that
said...this sudden depth of understanding Ranma shows of everything, from
his own feelings to the way he wants to fix things seems a bit unrealistic.
Also, Ranma's reasoning seemed a touch too...logical.  *shrug* Oh well.
That's my opinion.

Re: Everything at this point not related directly to Ranma
*yawn*  I know it needed to be there, I know that it's an established
literary device in situations such as these...hell, I've even used it
myself.  It doesn't change the fact I skimmed these parts pretty quickly (on
my first) because I wanted to go back to see what Ranma & Shampoo were
doing.  You MAY want to consider that if you rewrite these parts.  Quicker,
shorter bits would be more apropriate. The focus here is on Ranma & Shampoo
far more than anyone else.

Re: Ranma's bits at this point (up until the duality speech bit)
OK, I know I said I like seeing character become something greater and all,
but this is ridiculous.  I'm sorry, but at the point Ranma was "godlike" I
simply went "oh please" and found myself irritated with the whole scene.

Re: The dual speech bit.
NICE TOUCH.  Very cute.  I like how you've made love to be something
completely neutral here, that can take one to the height of goodness or evil
at this point, even if I take personal moral issue with some of your
descriptions of love.  A question: Who the heck is the cat girl?

Re: The coming back of Shampoo.
One word: AWWWWWwwwwwwwwww.  Good work.

Re: The epilogue.
Look up one section, repeat that.  Nice to see a brush with death/godhood
hasn't changed them any.  I also like where you've left it...resolved, but
not resolved to death.

In conclusion:
DB, I applaud you for taking this entire fic to the end.  It was a fun trip,
one that I was glad to follow in the time it took you to make it.  Bravo.

Question: What's next?

--
Christopher Angel
c_j_angel@hotmail.com
http://www.geocities.com/~ca_godboy
Engineer for Hire