Hey, Donny!

Y'know, I've seen so many Ranma WAFFs that I don't even bother to read
most of them now.  So why read this?  Partially because I seem to like
Ranma and Nabiki WAFFs for some unknown reason.  But I think it also stems
from your style, where you execute the "show, don't tell" principle very
well. 

There may be some errors that I missed, since I'm procrastinating in my
Digital Logic homework right now.  In general, I noticed the following.

1)	a tendency to repeat words in close proximity.
2)	periods, when there should be question marks.
3)	past/present/perfect tenses.

It might be worthwhile to glance over what you've written with these
points in mind.



On Thu, 19 Nov 1998, Donny Cheng wrote:

This did not ease Ranma's discomfort.  He look away from the interesting

					    ^^^^
looked

If there was one thing she didn't want to get bored
looking at was Ranma's body.

	    ^
it

	Jello, one minute, hard as rock the next.  Will wonders never
cease.  It was true she knew most of what was going on in Ranma's mind
most of the time, but once in awhile like now he would confound her.

I'd take out the "like now".

	Ranma turned on his side away from Nabiki.  She was cheating
again.  This time she lay on top of her sleeping bag instead of inside it.
She again slept in the semi-nude.

"Again, she slept in the semi-nude."

Basically the same.  However, you already started a sentence with "She"
two sentences ago, and this way, it sounds less repetitious.

better at hearing the change in her tone of voice.  Her back was towards
him as she wasn't looking at him now.  "Where did you get that idea.  I

								     ^
Question mark

	"How much more of a hold could you have on me.

Question mark.

 You hold my entire
being in your eyes," Ranma said intimately.  He was still new to this
whole expressing of one's feelings thing.  The only thing he could think
of was what Kuno might have said.

I love this.  You have Ranma express his feelings, yet downplay the
generic-WAFF feelings by comparing himself with Kuno.  It lessens the
"I've read this before" feeling considerably.

she got comfortable.  This caused various interesting parts of her body
to touch his very interested body in many interesting ways.

You used "interested" three times in this sentence.

it.  Gently he put around Nabiki and found it felt even nicer.  So what

I assume that what he puts around her was his arm.

(Leg?  ^_^)

I could cause to you almost as much as I did about the bottom line.  I've
always liked excitement and if it meant no boring desk job, who cares.

Question mark.


-Natsume Ranma Ranma
-------
The sardines weren't worth the trouble.  A few more shots, then 
Ryoga-san would overheat and explode.  Ducking around a corner, 
I managed to lose him as I entered the ramshackle residence of 
my Anime supplier.

One look at his face and I knew that I was betrayed.  "Tell me."
I insisted.  He refused, so I slammed him against the wall.
"Last chance.  Where can Ranma-Ranma find good fanfics?"
"Try Jason Liao." he whispered, before he slumped to the floor.
I heard the sounds of a door splintering as I left through the 
window, one step ahead of Tendo Heavy Industries...