In a small town that few people had ever heard of, people lived
seemingly normal lives. The name of the town was Rosemount and all was
not as it seemed. There was a seedy underbelly to this 'nice' town.
Actually, it involved the seedy underbellies of eight other towns which
were right next to or really close to Rosemount. In Apple Valley, evil
corporation ran rampant. In Burnsville, it was just as rampant. In
Eagan, snooty jerks stole money from Rosemountians and built lavish
buildings to sate their egos. In Edina, it was the same. In
Farmington, well, they ignored the other counties, making them just as
evil. In Lakeville, testostrone driven males pissed off the female
population.
Rosemount High School and Rosemount Middle School were forced to take
in the overflow from the other high schools as all of the other high
schools decided to get fancier food and pop machines instead of
expanding their buildings. Rosemount's businesses were getting rended
by the stores of the other towns. The small town was facing a crisis on
a scale that no one had ever seen before. Big businesses drooled at the
idea of having another innocent in their grasps. One man......okay, a
lot of people, decided that this was not to be and that they would put a
stop to the evils of the six great evils: McDonald's, Disney, Wal-Mart,
Microsoft, Barney and Genom.
==================================================================================
EXTREMELY DUMB DOCUMENTS
Cast:
Ben
McCrillis.............................................................................................................Ben/A-kun
Jim...............................................................................................................................TharzZzDunN/TharzZzy/Tharz/
Chaos
Kate.............................................................................................................................?????
Tom.............................................................................................................................Huh?
Sharon........................................................................................................................A-chan
Janet............................................................................................................................C-chan
Andrea.......................................................................................................................WhiteStreak
the Werewolf/WS
Mathew
McCrillis.....................................................................................................Mat/Drayko/Shadow
Dragon
Dan
McCrillis............................................................................................................as
himself
Rob
Sienz...................................................................................................................Rob
Ash.............................................................................................................................as
himself
Mike............................................................................................................................as
himself
Jeremiah
Rosenbaum................................................................................................Worm
We'd like to thank: the crew at Eyrie Productions for giving us the
initial boost necessary to start working on this.
Our families, for putting up with our constant babbling while writing
this.
My brother Mat. Yes, I've started yet ANOTHER story.
Our parents, for making us. After all, we sure as hell wouldn't even
exist without them.
Each other, for staying together while making this damn monster. It's
been tough, but we WILL finish this sucker.
You, for even reading this.
A-kun would like to thank: Ash, Andrea, Mat, Dan, Mike and Jeremiah. I
used you guys without your permission.
A-chan would like to thank: The makers of all fine porn.
C-chan would like to thank: The NRA, for keeping guns legal *BLAM*.
TharzZzDunN would like to thank: A-kun, for wasting his time typing
'TharzZzDunN' out everytime. For A-chan, for supporting me when I
REALLY wanted to write in those lemon scenes. And finally, for Robin
Williams and Johnny Carson. Great material, guys.
Huh? would like to thank: ????? for getting me into fanfiction (even
though quite a few of my stories are frozen). A-kun, for not writing
our full names so we can remain mostly anonymous and for helping me out
on some sticky parts. And finally, C-chan and ?????, for showing me
that it's all right to put humor into a combat scene (well, if it's
tasteful).
????? would like to thank: A-kun, for being the friend that he is and
being there the times when I needed him the most. To those DIC-weeds,
for showing Sailor Moon, even if they only went so far (MORONS!). They
got me into Anime.
==================================================================================
Quick Summary up to this point: Now, many different religions say
different things. One says that Ghod said "Let there be light" and it
took him seven days to make the universe and such. Though, one must ask
the question: "Who else was there, counting the number of days it takes
and how would they know it was 'Days' instead of say, 'Minutes' or
'Hours' or 'Months' or 'Years'.".
Anyhow, another religion believes that the sun, moon, stars and planets
always existed, but it wasn't until the Earth created life and began
dancing in joy that we learned of such things.
Yet another religion believes that there was a giant egg that split
open, and the oceans, land and such spilled out.
Yet another religion believes that it's part of a cycle and that we
always existed.
Yet another religion says that there was a huge explosion and the
universe began.
Yet another religion believes that the world is carried on the back of
a giant turtle. How this explains how the world was created is
anyone's guess.
Yet another religion says that there was Chaos (TharzZzDunN), who
created Mother Earth (Earth) and Father Uranus (Sky). They begot their
children, the Titans. One of which (Cronus/Saturn), struck Uranus and
drove him off. Cronus married one of his sisters (Rhea) and had many
children. All but one Cronus swallowed. That one (Zeus/Jupiter) came
back and beat the crap out of his father and many other Titans, and the
children that Cronus had swallowed returned and became the gods.
There's a more gory and descriptive story behind this, actually, but I'm
not going into that.
And finally, there's my personal belief of Inverse-Paradoxial-Universal
Life. It's complicated, requires eighteen hours and a REALLY open mind.
Or insanity. Whichever you have. Anyhow, that's not what we're here to
write about.
------------The Beginning is the End is the Beginning-----------
Ben woke up. Outside his window, it was a gloomy, dark day. He sat up
and went to the bathroom. Then, he checked outside his kitchen window.
Yep, still gloomy and dark. You could never tell what kind of prank was
going to be played on you, especially with friends like him. He got
dressed, eat, brushed his teeth, combed his hair and headed outside.
Just as it was beginning to rain. He raced to his car and managed to
get only partially soaked. His car worked right, at least. He drove to
work and put up with both boredom, excessively slow customers,
annoyingly repetitive phone calls and customers whining that since the
mail had never lost THEIR mail and ALWAYS delivered IN TWO DAYS that HE
was obviously at fault.
So, at the end of the work day, Ben went home, angry, tired, pissed as
hell, and ready to strangle a few people. Luckily, an hour at DOOM II
calmed him down and he went to join Kate at her house. A minature party
had begun as Tod finally got that darn raise he had been wanting. After
thirty minutes of talking and joking, the entire group pulled out their
character sheets and Ben took up his role as GM.
"Okay, Tharz. When we stopped last time, you were in the most trouble.
Disney Boomers had surrounded you and were preparing to sic their
Doberman Pluto boomer on you. ?????, you were already unconscious as
they had shown you a BGC dubb tape. Huh?, you were at the car
dealership, trying to convince the owner to sell you that Buick
RoadMaster that you've always wanted. A-chan, you were busy making it
with the 33-Ss that you found. C-chan, you're still out in the forest,
trying to find those damn McFries Boomers. Drayko, you're still trying
to make that damn stone of yours to work right. You believe it's
magical, but the readings you got on it around weird and not very
accurate. Worm, your character was captured by the zombies at Wal-Mart.
White Streak, you're at the TV station, trying to find out why Barney is
still on the air. My character is busy trying to deal with that virus
of an OS, Windows '95." A-kun informed the team.
"I'm going to try getting up. After all, BGC dubbs aren't too severe
on my Phobia scale. Enough to pass out, yeah, but not enough to drive
me insane." ????? said.
"You have to get a 4 or higher." A-kun replied.
????? rolled a 5 on the 6 sider.
"Okay, you manage to shake off the effects by concentrating on
chocolate and other kinky ideas of you and your lover. However, it took
your entire turn." A-kun said.
"I'm gonna pull out my Rubber Chicken of Slaying Boomers and the
Kitchen Sink of Doom." Tharz said excitedly.
"Okay, you have to roll a 1 or a 4 in order to pull out the correct
item, TharzZzy." A-kun replied.
Tharz rolled a 6 on his 6 sider.
"Damn. What DO I pull?' Tharz asked.
"You pull a token for the subway in Georgia and a Big Mac." A-kun
replied.
"ACK! The evil of McDonald's! Throw it at the boomers!" Tharz said.
"All right, it flies and...<A-kun rolls a three on the 10
sider>....explodes. Destroying the Pluto boomer, the Goofy boomer and
the Donald Duck boomer. The Mickey Boomer looks pissed as half of his
head is missing, revealing the blue interior. Oh, and position roll."
A-kun informed Tharz.
Tharz rolled the 20 sider. It rolled a 12.
"You're in Afganistan. Again." A-kun replied.
"Dammit!" Tharz growled.
"I'm going to try and charm the dealer. Male or female?" Huh? asked.
"Male, but you think that he might be like ?????. Mind you, it's only
a feeling that you have. It might be a hint that he keeps winking at
you, blowing in your ear and is offering to show you his 'Rock
Lobster'." A-kun said.
"Um, perhaps later. I think I'll try to go in as the dramatic sort.
Overly." Huh? explained.
"Right. 'Oh, Dealer, my grandfather died recently and told me to
always drive a Buick Road Master. This is the only one I've found in
over a year! PLEEEAAASSSEEEE!!!!'. <A-kun rolls a 4 on a 6 sider> He
thinks about it for a minute and finally goes to get the paperwork. You
just got the car." A-kun explained.
"ALL RIGHT!" Huh? cheered.
"What about those damn McFries boomers?" C-chan asked.
"Well, your shotgun +9 winged one, but you don't think it was enough to
draw any fluids. However, the path you're following is surprisingly
easy to follow. However, it looks like they're still moving faster than
you." A-kun said.
"Damn! Can I use my Slepnier Materia to catch up?" C-chan asked.
"Do you REALLY want to use it? You can only use it once a game,
remember." A-kun replied.
"Damn! I've always got my Haste Spells. I'll get those damn McFries
boomers yet. I'll use my Haste spell instead." C-chan said.
"All right. Drayko, what are you going to try?" A-kun asked.
"Hmmm, if I remember correctly, it's got eight sides, it's long, but
not wide or very tall. Keep messing around with it. In the meantime,
I've got a hunch as to what it might be. I'll try an Identify roll.
<rolls a 18 on the 20 sider> Okay, that's enough. Do I recognize it?"
Drayko asked.
"You do. It looks a lot like one of those props in Hell Raiser. You
know that crystal that Leviathan was shaped like. This looks to be it."
A-kun explained.
Drayko paled.
"You mean....it turns into one of those psycho boxes?!?!" Drayko asked.
"Yup. <rolls a 4 sider and gets a 1> Uh-oh. Looks like it's too
late. The thing starts unfolding into a 6 sided box. Luckily, it
doesn't look like it's going to be opening anytime soon. What do you
want to do with it?" A-kun asked.
"Any construction starting nearby?" Drayko asked, smiling.
"<Rolls a 5 on a 20 sider> Yup. The newest McDonald's is starting. I
think the foundation is being poured today." A-kun replied, smiling.
"Fine, wait until dark and dump the sucker in before the cement
finishes drying." Drayko replied.
"Right. Worm, you're just waking up. You're in a standard cell, it
looks like. What do you want to do?" A-kun asked.
"Any air vents near the ground?" Worm asked.
"Nope. Sorry. However, there IS an air vent just above you." A-kun
answered.
"Hmmm, okay. See if I still have my pendant on me." Worm said.
"Yeah, you do." A-kun said.
"Okay, I'm going to transform into my Sentai Form." Worm replied.
And so on and so forth.
=====================================================================
Anything remotely identical to anything else is purely accidental and
not intended. If I offended anyone, I apologize in advance.
Undocumented Features is a fine story, but I had only read part 1 when
this hit me. And, much like a 16 ton bag of feathers, crushed my
resistance like a 16 ton bag of feather crushing someone's resistance.
Criticism? (could never spell that right and be sure about it) Comments?
Questions? send them to akun15@hotmail.com
Flames? send them to toobad@dontcare.com
Ben McCrillis <aka. A-kun> <aka. Sailor Scottish>
reply at akun15@hotmail.com
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