The Ultimate Villain

A TWISTED mega-crossover fic by Adrian Wong (who had once promised never to
write such crap again but just can't help it this time :)

All characters belong to their respective owners and such, here's a run down:

Ranma 1/2: Ranma, Ryoga
Visions of Escaflowne: Van, Allen
Please Save My Earth: Issei, Jinpachi
Yu Yu Hakusho: Kurama, Hiei 

	
Intro: A mysterious force of unimaginable corruption had swept by
Anime-land, abducting various shonen of power who were each near invincible
in their own respective series, but somehow found themselves defeated in
the treacherous, godless seas of Fanfic-land.  Together, our heroes were
locked inside a dungeon made of bright crimson walls, where this hideous
tale shall unfold . . .

Ranma: Goddammit!  How dare anyone abduct the best martial artist of his
generation! Just wait until I get myself on the punk who did this to me -

Ryoga: Will you just shut it, you wind bag?!  Swearing won't help the
situation!   Just let me handle this EXPLODING POINT TECH!!

[Ryoga thrust his finger at a wall, but nothing happened.]

Ryoga [wailing to the heavens]: NOOOOOO!!!!  These are elastic walls!
ARRGG!!! We're dead!!  Akane!  Akari!!  I can't die yet!  I still haven't
kissed either of you! [powering up as he growled]  LION DEATH ROAR-ACKK!!!!

Ranma [disgustedly]: Baka!  This is an enclosed space! You'll kill us all!

[Meanwhile, watching Ryoga's and Ranma's fighting with much alarm were two
strangely garbed males carrying swords around their belts.  One of them was
a tall, handsome blond young man nearing his prime, while the other was a
small, slender, spiky-haired teen who, despite his serious expression,
radiated a sense of brooding vulnerability.]

Allen: So, this is another strange ability from the people of the mystic
moon, huh?

Van [gruffly]: Don't ask me.  I wouldn't know any more about it than you do.

Allen: . . . still sore about my seduction of Hitomi, aren't you, 'King' Van?

Van: Just shut up!  Damn.  Of all the people that I could have gotten stuck
with in a situation like this . . . and it just have to be you!

Allen [sighing]: Indeed.  Our enemy knows how to torture us well.

[Beside them, two short haired boys in high school uniforms looked around
nervously as everywhere they turn, tension was arising in the air.]

Issei (the delicate brunette): Jinpachi, you still have your ESP powers
from your past incarnation as an alien scientist, don't you?  

Jinpachi (the rugged red head): Yeah. But even then . . . I've never been
able to fully master it . . .

Issei: Sigh . . . oh well, this might get dangerous then.  But still . . .
[smiling in subtle shyness] it makes me feel happy that no matter what
happens, you'll be by my side to protect me like always.

Jinpachi: [looking around with a blush] S-Stop it!  People are looking at
us . . .

Issei: [pouting] So what if they are!  You never had trouble with us being
seen together in our past life!   

Jinpachi: But you were a WOMAN then, for crying out loud!

Issei: [softly and sadly] I still am a woman inside . . .

Jinpachi [sweating as Ranma, Ryoga, Allen and Van all stared at the two
curiously]: . . . please don't mention that right now . . . !!
 
[Some distance away, an impossibly beautiful red headed boy and a short,
spiky-haired, evil-looking kid were observing all this with resignation in
their eyes.]

Kurama [stretching his arms as he purred playfully]: Oh well, no immediate
threat so far.  That's a good sign.

Hiei: Hn.

Kurama [scratching his chin]: I wonder what kind of enemy we will be facing
this time?

Hiei [devilishly confident]: Che! Whatever kind of youkai it is, it can't
be worse than what we've fought before . . . 

[Just then, a evil queen type in a slinky dress materialized in front of
them.  Stepping up towards the guys, she laughed evilly and said:]

Evil Queen:  Ohohohohoho!!!  Welcome to my dungeon, you comey lads!  I am
Queen Slash, the most notorious yaoi writer on the YFML!!  After I'm done
with you all, you will ALL be YAOI-ED to hell and back!  HOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!!

[Kurama collapsed as Hiei's eyes tripled in size, while the other boys all
gasped in horror.]

Hiei : NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  NOT AGAIN!!!!!!!!

       

Ranma [protesting frantically]: Wait a minute!!!  You can't do that to me!
I'm straight as a die!

Kurama [wailing in a Soun-like manner]: And you think #I# ain't!?  But it
doesn't matter to them!  I KNOW her kind!  She'll defeat the defenses of
our character designs with the most fallacious reasoning based upon the
most obscure hints of our series, then haul us all into YSML where we'll be
forced to do each other like dogs!!

Queen Slash: Ohohohoho!!! Don't play innocent with me, you foxy boy you!
If you didn't want Hiei's boy, what the HELL do you tolerate his attitude
for? Hmmmm?  Oh, and what normal boy of sixteen hangs out with his mother
all day instead of getting himself a girlfriend, hmmmm?

Kurama:  Waiii!!!! She's doing it!!!  I'm doomed! [glomped onto Hiei] Oh!!!
 Woe are us!!

Hiei [barking]: Get off me before you gave her even more ideas, you
pansy-assed fox!!!

Oueen Slash: Ohohohohoho!!!  Sweet Hiei, are you acting so harshly towards
Kurama-chan just to keep the position of the top-man in your all too hidden
relationship?

Hiei [exploding with fire]: SHUDDUP!!!!!

[Cracking his fists, Ranma approached the evil queen and smirked
unpleasantly.]

Ranma: Yo, remember what I said about not hitting girls in the manga?

Queen Slash: Why, of course I do, Ranma-kun.

Ranma: I lied.  How do you think Shampoo became my fianc�e to begin with?

[With that, he leapt towards the evil queen, only to be throw backwards
like a twig, landing beside Ryoga.]

Queen Slash [maniacally]: Ohohohoho!!! Do you really think that a mere
fictional character like you could have hurt a real fic writer like me!?
Give it up!  By the end of the day, I'm going to make you SO yaoi that
you'd beg Ryoga and Kuno to double team you all night long!

Ryoga [paling]: NO!!!  I'm a good boy! I'm saving myself for the threesome
with my lovely Akari-chan and Akane-chan! Kuno CAN have him!

[Ranma hit the bigger boy over the head as he sweated while glaring at the
evil woman.]

Ranma: You'd NEVER get me to do anything of the sort!

Queen Slash: Oh?  You mean you're not attracted to Ryoga at all?  Then why
bother keeping his secret from Akane, thus hindering you own relationship
with her?  If you are THAT # honorable #, shouldn't you at least be
attempting to pay Ukyou back her stolen yatai instead of eating her out of
her shop?  And what about Shampoo?  The girl HADN'T even ask you to fight
with her.  Strictly speaking, YOU challenged her at her weakest, using her
anger against her to claim her village tournament prize for yourself!  How
come you're only honorable to Ryoga and Ryoga alone, huh?  Could it be that
you . . . LOVE HIM?!?!?!

Ranma: No!  I love AKAN . . . em, I mean, that is, the tomboy is tolerable
sometimes, but there ain't nothing between us, and eh . . .

Queen Slash: AHAHAHAHA!!!  So, you're only using her as a shield to hide
your latent yaoi-sexuality, I see!  And what about you, Ryoga?  Why bother
chasing a boy all the way to China over a loaf of lost bread, huh?  All
those vows of eternal vengeance . . . could it be that you're driven into
these unreasonable acts due to the frustrations caused by your forbidden
love? 

Ranma and Ryoga [shutting their ears]: WE'RE NOT LISTENING TO THIS!! WE'RE
NOT LISTENING TO THIS!!

Queen Slash: OHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!!  By the time I'm done with you two, you'll
be begging to have each other!  NO ONE CAN ESCAPE THE DEADLY REASONING OF A
YAOI FIC WRITER!!!

[Turning to Van and Allen, who had both kept themselves quite all this time
hopping to be ignored, the evil queen smiled coyly as the sweated.
Finally, Van couldn't take it anymore as he snapped.]

Van: What?!  I'm already in Hitomi, so I can't be em . . . less of a man.
Beside, you can't write a story about a King, who's supposed to carry on a
bloodline, being gay.  No reader will stoop to believing in such trash!

Queen Slash: BWAHAHAHA!!!!  You're being na�ve, my sweet boy.  Know you not
that being the King yourself, you can have countless opportunities in
courting cute servant boys and dashing young knights?  And what was that
intense look in your eyes when you were peeping at Hitomi's kiss with
Allen?  Could it be . . . that you wish to join them?

Van [eyes widening in shock]: Now wait -

Queen Slash [evilly]: I know . . . I'll put all three of you in a
threesome!  Lets see . . . you'll both start out by concentrating on Hitomi
for appearance sake.  After a while, you'll both get bolder and attempt to
fondle each other's -

Allen [cutting her off]: ENOUGH!!  Do you truly think that I, a womanizer
so dashing that no one fan could hate despite my two-timing, will actually
even THINK about choosing a scrawny minor-boy over a curvy, voluptuous
woman?  

Van [looking insulted as he tore off his shirt and whipped out his gorgeous
wings]: HEY!!  What do you mean?  Lots of girls go for winged boys like me!

Allen [disdainfully]: If I'm not mistaken, they're all probably only using
your # fairy # appeal to fulfill their respective yaoi fantasies.   

Van [fuming]: Why you . . . you . . .

Queen Slash: Ohohohohohoho, a lovers' spat!  Hmm, maybe I'll just put you
two in an angst PWP and -

Van and Allen [turning towards each other accusingly]: SEE!?  NOW YOU'VE
DONE IT!!

[Throughout all this chaos and despair, one person remains cheerful,
however, as he skipped up merrily towards the Queen Slash.]

Issei:  My savior!  Finally, I've managed to find someone to yaoi Jinpachi
up for me so that we can pick up where we left off in our past life!

Jinpachi: [alarmed] HEY!!  

Queen Slash:  Ohohohohoho, fear not, you horny woman in a bishonen's body!
I've already plotted out this intense yaoi in memory of your liaisons with
him, and -

Jinpachi: Wait!  I haven't been broken down by your fallacious arguments yet!

Queen Slash: Silly boy, will you REALLY hurt your poor ' Enji WE'RE NOT
LISTENING TO THIS'-chan so much just because she has now become a he?  Love
lies beneath the restrictions of the body . . . and the thought of you two
being together excites me, so I'm just going to go ahead and mind-control
you into performing with Issei for old times' sake!

Issei: YES!!  

Jinpachi: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Just then, however, the plastic wall of the dungeon melted away, as four
splendid figures of lights appear.  They were Koji, Takuto (Bronze) and
Chihaya and Kagetsuya (Earthian), all of them naked as they day they were
born.  Immediately, Queen Slash lost all her speaking ability as her mouth
was too busy salivating with lust.  Smiling brilliantly at the other boys.
they said:]

The yaoi quartlet: Fear not, you bishonens who are not bi!  We shall fill
her lust with our yaoi-ness, even though we were no where as slutty as
those fics on the YSML had depicted us to be!  Flee, straight boys! Flee
before her brain cells regenerate themselves!

[Immediately, most of the boys immediately dashed out of the hole after
muttering a quick 'thank you' (or, in Ranma's case, 'ya guys are cool for a
buncha pussies').  Issei tried to struggle and remain, but was picked up
bodily by Jinpachi and was carried him out of the dungeon.  Van's honor,
however, prompted him to remain as he bowed formally at the naked boys.]

Van: I owe you all my . . . em, purity today, good men.  How may I ever
repay this heavy debt?

[Koji stared at the lean boy chest, the narrow waist, and the stunning
wings and licked his lips as a few inappropriate (and illegal, considering
Van's age) ideas began to form in his head.

Koji: Well, you can always bend over and - OOF!!!

Takuto [as he grounded his elbow HARD into Koji's ribcage]:  And get out of
this pervert's sight and we'll consider us even!  

The yaoi angels: We would like for you to live a righteous, sin-free life
on behalf of the Earth's future.

Van: I am from the planet Gaea.

Katgetsuya: . . . oh.  Then do whatever you want, we won't give a damn.

Chihaya: Um . . . wait!  Hide your wings and put on your shirt, so as not
to tempt anyone on earth into sinning before you return to Gaea.  You're
STILL a minor after all.

Van [with utmost seriousness]: Hai!  Farewell, good heroes! [as he
disappeared through the hole, the four could heard the boy talking to
himself] Hmmm . . . maybe I shall try harder in persuading Hitomi to come
over to Gaea.  With the dark forces of the YSML, it's too dangerous to be a
single bishonen these days . . .         

[The four turned back to the evil queen, who was eagerly awaiting action
with a recorder in hand, and sighed.]

Takuto: The things we have to do for the sake of saving innocent straight
boys . . .

Koji: Shhh . . . but really, doesn't the thought of having the entire YSML
witness our deed increases the pleasure?

Katgetsuya [licking his lips]: Shall we begin, my love?

Chihaya: Go slow this time though, remember your size . . .


THE END?