MamonoHntr@aol.com wrote:

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Devil Hunter Productions presents:
A Ranma 1/2 Fanfic
Emotional Turmoil:
Prologue
By Yohko Mano
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        Ranma slept peacefully for the first time in months nothing but pure blissful
sleep. No angry martial arts after his blood, no fiancee�s trying to get him

That first line could use a comma.  "artists" "fiancees"

Actually I think Ranma sleeps pretty peacefully most nights.   He certainly
gets a couple of peaceful hours, which is as much as he gets this night.   

for themselves and for once nothing but sweet innocent dreams of simpler times
when he was younger not the chaos that was his life. However as per usual from
Ranma this didn�t last very long when he woke from his sleep when he felt
someone other then his fathers presence in his room. He jumped into stance

Make your sentences shorter instead of running on. "However, as per usual for
Ranma this did last very long.  When he woke from his sleep he could feel someone
other than his father in the room."  Put a comma after "younger".

quickly and scanned the room for the intruder.
        Without warning a shining object flew towards him at a high speed he snatched
it out of the air and glance down at it. It was definitely not a weapon but

There should be a period after "speed"

what is it. In that brief moment when he looked down at the object a duck flew

Question mark.

out of the darkened corner and out the open window.
Ranma watched Mousse fly off towards the Nekohatten and fade into the

"toward"

distance. He looked back down in has palm and it revealed a jeweled pendant.
Under closer inspection he realized it was the reversal jewel.

Why would Mousse do that?  He knows Ranma doesn't love Shampoo.

        {�Jerk! He must be getting really desperate if he is resorting to using this
thing. I don�t even want to think about what would have happened if he had
gotten it on me. This thing is dangerous in its own right. I�m gonna make sure
no one falls under this things spell again.�} Ranma closed his palm and began
to crush the pendant however with the sound of the first crack in the stone a
blinding light began to shine through the holes in his grip around the jewel.

comma after "pendant"

Followed by an explosion. Which unfortunately Ranma was at Ground zero and
thrown out the window.

sentence fragments.  "A moment later, the pendant exploded with Ranma at 
Ground Zero, the explosion throwing him out the window."

        Ranma floated silently in a middle of an all white room.
�Where the hell am I. Last thing I remember was crushing that jewel than there

Question mark.  comma after "jewel", "then"

was an explosion. But that doesn�t explain how I got here.�

You're dead, dimwit.  

Suddenly what ever light filled the room vanished leaving him in nothing but
darkness then a flash filled his eyes. His life from the time of birth slowly
began to pass before his eyes one after another the flash would repeat itself
replaying all his memories. Reliving every moment of his life feeling what he
had felt is if it were the first time.
*Flash*
Ranma at age 1 taking his first steps and looking up at his parents. Feeling
nothing but pure joy and happiness, and the love and pride radiating from his
parents.
*Flash*
Ranma at age five putting his hand print on some sort of paper with his father
just before he left with him for a long training trip. He felt the pain of
leaving his mother for the first time, the sadness tearing at him when he
looked into his mothers eyes. Pride, concern, fear  but most of all a mothers
love for her son burned within them, something he had longed to see ever since
he was re-united with his mother but couldn�t because of his curse.
        A single tear fell from Ranma�s eye as he relived this painful moment of his
past.
        For what seemed like an eternity Ranma relived his entire life up to present
the good and bad but what stood out the most was the way it made him feel. It
felt as if what ever emotion he had felt at the time was intensified 100 times
over. He was a wreck by the time he had reached the end. With one more bright
flash Ranma closed his eyes when he opened them he was no longer in the empty
room he was now in the tendo back yard. He sat up and looked up at his window,

"Tendo"

then over to the back door where the entire household was now standing in the
door way.
He forced himself to his feet and walked into the house. They sat and waited
for an explanation but he didn�t give them one he just kept walking and went

They weren't sitting.  They were standing.  Period after "one"

up to his room. He couldn�t remember what had happened completely but it was
extremely draining and all he wanted was sleep.

comma after "completely".

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Chapter one is in the works it will only be finished depending on what kind of
response I get from this. C&C is welcome. Even flames are welcome but don�t

I'd judge the responses once you've actually told us what happened to Ranma.
As it stands there's no way of telling what kind of story this is going to be.

just say you didn�t like it. I want to know why you didn�t like. I would also
appreciate ideas for the future chapters of this story. I know where this is
going well sort of but I will be happy to listen to your Ideas.
Well that�s all for now.

Ja ne!
Yohko