Recently, I was challenged to write a sort of fanfic parody of all the "really sick and twisted" Ranma fanfics, make Akane out to be Satan, and have almost every one of the major cast be somewhat. . . well. . . sick, but to make it funny.

This is what I've got done so far.  I would appreciate any and all C&C, and your opinion on if you think I should continue working on this.  Thanks.

Disclaimer:  Ranma 1/2 characters and situations created by Rumiko Takahashi, used without permission.
Ranma 1/2 Copyright by Rumiko Takahashi, Shogakan Inc., Kitty, Fuji, Viz
Communications, and all that good stuff.


And please, do NOT take this seriously.

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WHARD?!  (currently unfinished and in draft form)

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Tendou Akane was angry.  Now, that, in itself, was not entirely earth-shattering news, but, well, she just was not in a good mood.  She was angry, frustrated, angry and frustrated and. . . . grrr.  She was angry.

"Oi, Akane, what bug crawled up your a. . .Aha. . ."  One glance at the look on Akane�s face, the look that most closely resembled that of a rabid pitbull that just got fixed, the hard way, with a dull spoon, and was not happy about it one bit, and Nabiki thought it best to shut her mouth.  The daily dose of teasing she gave her little sister was fun, but there were times when you had to stop.  Like when your sister reminded you of Cujo on steroids and many other illegal substances.

Akane huffed on ahead, past the middle Tendou daughter, as she reminded herself that killing Nabiki would not be a good idea.  It would feel good, yes, but it was just not a good idea.  Maybe she would just take her into the dojo later and �spar� with her, a voice cooed in her mind.  Ah, yes, _that_ sounded like fun.  
A few bruises in the right spots would put Nabiki in her place. . .

Ah, but she was getting off track.  Where was she before she had been so rudely interrupted?  Ah, yes.  She was angry.  Grr.  No, no, that was not it.  GRRR.  There!  Now she had it.  Okay, angry.  So, why again was she angry?  Oh, now that puzzled her.  Had she forgotten already?

Angry. . . Why?  Well, did she really need a reason?  Naaah.  Besides, it all came down to Ranma, right?  So it _had_ to be Ranma that she was mad at.  Yeah.  That was it.  Ranma had gotten her mad again.  What was it this time?  Hugging Shan Pu?  Chasing Ukyou?  Making fun of P-chan again?  For the life of her, she couldn�t remember!

Oh well.  She would just wait until Ranma did something stupid again, and give him double the punishment as she usually did.  Oh yes.  She reached into her aura pocket, the one that hid her trusty mallet from prying eyes, and lovingly caressed the blunt weapon.  Ah, so smooth, so hard, so big, so blissfully painful when hit with it, so. . .

"Er. . . Akane. . . Akane?  What are you doing?"  Came her older sister�s voice, cutting through her fantasizing.  Jeez, what now?  She couldn�t even have a moment to caress her beloved weapon of mass destruction!  What was the world coming to these days when a person couldn�t even do _that_?

"What?"  She snapped.  She was still angry.  Even more angered at the fact that she couldn�t remember why she was so angry, and angered even more so at the fact that she couldn�t stoke her mallet and fantasize about inflicting pain on a deserving baka in relative peace.
Oops, had she been doing that while people were around?

"Ah ha ha. . ."  Had she been so angry that she had forgotten that no one else but herself could see or feel her malletsama when she disguised it with her aura; a trick known and mastered by practitioners of the art of Hidden Weapons.  Mousse would certainly have known what she was doing, but to Nabiki and anyone watching, it would look as though she were fondling the air.  

Well, another voice in her mind said smugly, you were the one who was so angry that she couldn�t even remember why she was angry in the first place.  She told the voice of many painful, illegal and perverted things involving red hot pokers and piano wire that she could do it.

She was saved from having to answer the mercenary girl�s question and further embarrassing herself, when the sweet, familiar voice of her more tolerant elder sister called out to them.

"Akane-chan, Nabiki-chan, dinner is ready."  Kasumi smiled at them.  Akane wondered how anyone could stay smiling every minute of every day of every week of every month of every year, and still keep their sanity intact.  If Kamisama came down from the sky and told her that she had to be happy and smile for an entire day or she would spend the rest of her existence in the realm of the damned, then damned she would be.  She could go no more than maybe two minutes, at best, without getting angry or having to frown.  Smiling too much made the muscles in her face hurt.

"Hai, hai."  The two younger Tendou girls said as they removed their shoes and stepped into their comfy house slippers.  Granted, seeing Akane, who always acted so tough and demanded to be taken seriously, in fluffy pink bunny slippers was a silly sight indeed, Nabiki had learned to keep her mouth tightly shut about the subject.  It had been right about the time when Saotome-ojisan had commented about them and it had taken Tofu-sensei three days to get him back to normal.  Who would have thought you could stick a rice bowl AND chopsticks up THERE.
And that had been only a week ago.

The two took their seats, Kasumi following behind them.  Tendou Soun was already seated at the table with Ranma, and Saotome Genma sitting on his orthopedic gel o-ring.  
The head of the Saotome family didn�t look at all comfortable.  Especially since Akane had a glint in her eye that said �Say it again, Ojisan, I DARE you.�  

He looked at the utensils spread out on the table.  Big plates, forks, knives, and a salt shaker.  Good Lord!  Was Kasumi trying to kill him?!  She had spread out a whole arsenal for Akane�s use.  And not just any knives.  Big, sharp, steel, serrated to cut through tough meaty muscle, steak knives.  

But that wasn�t Akane�s style.  Akane would go for the forks first, using them to pin him to the floor boards.  She would be sure to aim for skin instead of just clothing.  Then she would find many interesting and painful places to stick the big, round plates, and then she would take the knives and cut. . . and cut and cut and CUT. . . and slice and slice and slicesliceslice.  Not big deep gashes, mind you, but small, thin and precise cuts.  Like millions of paper cuts all over his bare skin.
And if the pain wasn�t enough at that point, that�s where the salt came into play.
Genma gulped loudly and looked frantically about for an escape.  He looked to Kasumi, but she just smiled her usual oblivious smile at him.  He looked to Nabiki, but her eye flashed with the all too familiar look of greed, power and �Oh no, Ojisan, I want to see what Akane will do to you this time.  I�m sure I can get many interesting pictures�.  He looked to his best friend, but Soun was quivering with the fear of what the youngest Tendou girl would do to him if he interfered.  Looking to his son was no help either.  The boy just grinned at him.  

Why that ungrateful whelp!  You make a few mistakes, throw him into a pit of starving cats after covering him with fish paste, sell him to a couple of people for food, and ACCIDENTALLY get him cursed to turn into a girl, and he _still_ had the audacity to hold it against you!  All that happened years ago (most of it)!  Was there no forgiveness in the world?

He looked to Akane.  Whoops.  Forgot that she was the one who wanted to kill him.  When he looked into her eyes, to the very core of her soul, and saw the burning hatred, saw the twisted desire to inflict pain upon him, saw the sparkle of amusement in them at what she wanted to do him, and saw that she would enjoy every minute of it, Saotome Genma knew true fear.

Never in his life had anyone or anything frightened him to the very center of his being like those dark eyes and that crooked grin on the girl, no, the woman sitting before him.  The woman that his son was honor bound to wed.  The woman that was the youngest of his best friend�s three daughters.  The beautiful, PSYCHOTIC woman that was trained in not only the Tendou Ryu, but the Saotome Ryu and many, MANY, other styles, and even more styles that no one knew that she knew.  But Genma knew that she had to know them.  He knew that she was a LOT better than she let on, and a LOT better than any would ever have suspected.  

And then, the devil incarnate that he was sure was right in front of him was replaced by an innocent looking school girl, happily munching away at her steak and rice, while chatting animatedly with Ranma and Nabiki.  And he just stared.

"Are you okay, Ojisan?"  Kasumi�s gentle voice startled him, and he noticed everyone was just finishing their dinner.

"Uh. . .uh. . ."  No words surfaced in his mind.  Battle plans and escape routes were being formulated and rejected faster than the speed of light.  Tendou Dojo was not safe for him anymore.  Not with Satan. . .er, Akane, around.

"Yes, O-ji-san,"  The devil incarnate purred.  Oh Kami, she was in psycho mode again.  Why couldn�t she stay in that cute little school girl mode?  Or uncute school girl mode, whatever!  It was so less violent and scary.  "Is something the matter?  Anything I can help you with?"

Help me with?  Help me with?! he screamed mentally, Yeah!  You can get the HELL away from me, you psychotic b. . .

"Ah, no, Akane-chan.  I�m fine."  He gave her a sickly smile.

"Are you sure?  I do so love to help people." 

Yeah, help bring them closer to death.  Genma looked into her eyes again.  Mistake! MISTAKE!  Those. . . dark. . . eyes.  Why couldn�t anyone but him see it?  They were all living with a psycho!  A deranged, insane, crazed, cracked, mad, demented, sick, sadistic, disturbed, psycho!  And nobody cared but him!  And those eyes. . .  He shivered.

"I�m sure.  I just. . ."  He thought about his answer.  What could he say that would get her to leave him alone?  Ah!  "I�m just a little tired.  I think I�ll just go to bed early tonight."  Yeah, that�s the ticket.  He congratulated himself on such a good excuse.  Besides, he actually _was_ tired.  And his ass hurt like a bitch.  Now, he just had to make sure that the lunatic wouldn�t come for him in the night.  

That was how she was!  She was like the creature of the night, hunting and stalking in the shadows.  Genma had once left a case of beer out by the koi pond, and had gone out to retrieve it.  It was night then, pitch black.  Not even the moon had been out to give any illumination.
Five strides to the pond, and five strides back to the house.  That was all.  But SHE had been out there.  Taunting him from the shadows.  Laughing at his fear.  He couldn�t help it, she was just so scary!  And the laugh, low and haunting, carrying in the still night air.  That was all he could hear, the laugh and his own loud heartbeats.  And when the laugh stopped, it was eerily silent.  When Akane was out, not even the crickets dared make a sound, lest they invoke her wrath.

Well! she would not get him this night.  He would climb out of the window and run and run and run until he was sure that no one, especially Akane, would ever find him.  The Zoo looked promising.  Or maybe a traveling circus!  He could play a trained panda, AND star in the freakshow, AND get paid!

His mind made up, he stood up from the table with the intent of going along with his brilliant plan.  Sharp, stabbing, BURNING pain erupted from places better left unmentioned shot through his nerves as he swayed, then fell unceremoniously to the floor.  He had been so caught up in getting the hell away from Akane that he had forgotten about his injury.

"Ojisan!"  The psychopath burbled.  Genma could have sworn that he heard a hint of delight in the otherwise concerned voice.  "Are you okay?  Do you want me to help you upstairs and put you to sleep?"

Again, Genma thought he detected a hidden undertone in a seemingly innocent question.  Put him to sleep?!  

"NO!"  He nearly shouted, then winced at the pain.  "I mean, no.  I�ll just. . . sleep down here.  On the couch."  Yes, so much closer to front door.  Not that that would help him any.  What could he do?  Crawl to safety?  As if he would even be able to blink, let alone make it off the couch, before Akane was on him.  He had to get her to focus her attention elsewhere.
He saw Ranma grinning at him.

"Akane, dear,"  Genma said, "shouldn't you and Ranma be studying for your finals?"  He watched in feverish delight as his son stopped grinning and assumed a look of pure horror.  Akane seemed to slip back into cute school girl mode.

"Ah!  You�re right!  C�mon Ranma."  She grabbed her fiance by the arm and proceeded to drag him from the room.  All the while, Genma gloated internally at the dirty look Ranma had given him just before disappearing up the stairs.

Settling comfortably, for once in the last week, on the couch, he ignored the grunts of pain and thuds of mallet impacting flesh, and let the soothing veil of sleep fall over him.
--

"Baka!"
 
WHAM.

"Hentai!"

CRACK.

"AquATRAnseXUAL!"

"What was that?"

"Just shut up and keep going."

"Yes, Mistress. . ."

WHIP.

"Ugnnn!"
--

Nabiki snorted at her wall.  Paper thin.  She could hear everything, EVERYTHING, going on in Akane�s room.  

Sick, twisted and sadistic.  That�s what her little sister was.  And Ranma was the same.  And they made so much damn noise!  It was a wonder that no one else knew about their wild sex acts but her.
Oh, but they all hid it well from others.  So very well.

Akane�s temper?  Nope.  She just liked to see how much she could get away with in that state.  She didn�t actually have a temper, she just liked to be mad.  When she was mad, hurting people came easier to her.  She liked to hurt people and break things.  Akane�s �temper� was the perfect way for her to get everyone away from her and Ranma so that they could do what they do.  

Besides, who else would notice?  Kasumi?  Cook, cook, cook, clean, clean, clean, smile, smile, smile.  
Soun?  Too many things to list.
Genma?  He was too afraid of Akane to even approach her alone.  Nabiki chuckled.  Saotome Genma.  Ah, that poor man.  Poor, poor, stupid, idiotic, coward of a man.  He knew how Akane was, through first hand experience, but he never suspected his own son to be just as bad.  If only he knew.

Well, the middle Tendou daughter thought, Ranma and Akane could get their kicks out of beating the snot out of eachother and other people, but they just didn�t see the big picture.  
Money, power, greed, manipulation.  That�s the stuff.  
She liked to see the way her �clients� quivered in fear.  Sweat forming on their brow to roll down the sides of their face ever so slowly.  Trickling along their taught jawlines.  Crawling down their throats, their dry throats, as they involuntarily gulp in fright and anticipation of what she would do to them.
No, she wasn�t the physical type like her little sister and Ranma.  She liked to play with their lives and minds.  There were many, many, things worse than death, and Nabiki had the means to enforce all of them and make a profit to boot.

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Okay, that's all I have so far, but the next chapter will be Nabiki in action, Ryouga reveals a few very INTERESTING secrets, and Ukyou is into what?!?

Should I continue?

I am not subscribed to the list, so please reply privately.

(And the 'aura pocket' . . . I made it up.  This IS fan FICTION.)

-Mojiru

"Since animal don't get married. . . Doesn't that make them all bastards?"



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