On Thu, Nov 12, 1998 at 06:13:06PM -0500, Adrian Wong wrote:
The Dream
A short, WEIRD Ranma-fanfic By Adrian Wong
(and no, it's NOT Shamp-chan biased!)
I'd beg to differ there. Shampoo still seems more intelligent and
mature than she does in the manga.
Not that that's a bad thing, though. It's a nice contrast to all
the 'air-headed Shampoo' fics out there.
"This no drug! See?" Shampoo scoped up a bit of the stuff and put it in
^^^^^^
scooped
Ukyou blinked, them laughed so hard that she surprised even Shampoo. "Are
^^^^
then
"ESCUSE ME!" Ukyou interjected as she stepped up to the frantic pair,
^^^^^^
EXCUSE
"Sick . . . oh . . . how I wish that it was all there is to it. Ever since
he was born, the doctors had told us than even as he grow up, he won't get
past the mental age of a baby due to the defection of his brain structure .
^^^^^^^^^^^^^
defects of
"Well, you who delight in exploring amoral, forbidden techniques in your
quest for power, who have you got to say to that, huh?"
^^^
what
Akane and Ukyou, both having been naked in front of Ranma in the past,
gagged,
OK, I know that Ranma saw Akane in the buff at least twice, but Ukyou?
I'm drawing a blank there.
art. In order to manipulate the dead body, he will need to sleep and eat
five times the amount of a normal man in order to keep up his physical and
mental strength . . . not to mention that he will suffer server hair loss
as a result . . ."
Sleep five times as much as a normal person? There aren't that many hours
in a day. :)
Server hair loss? That's probably what WW was experiencing earlier this week.
:P
I think you meant 'severe hair loss'.
"I've been in love with . . . A ZOMBIE?!?!" Ukyou screamed, faintly
grateful to the fact that she hadn't had breakfast that morning.
Heh.
"Wait!" Soun exclaimed. "All is not lost yet! As long as Saotome-kun can
mind-control Ranma again, the wedding next week can still -OOF!!!"
Slapping her father, Akane ran straight into the house. Sounds of vomiting
could be heard from the kitchen soon afterwards.
BWAH-HAH-HAH!
(Well, OK, it's not funny, but, at the same time, it is.)
Releasing the stunned man, she turned to Nodoka, and handed her own
giant-spatula to the woman.
"Here, use this instead of the katana to execute him: its thick edge can
inflict much more pain that that of a sharp blade. Use this to end his
miserable existence, and I'll gladly forget about the family yatai that
your man has stolen from my family."
As I think someone mentioned before, there is a definite sense of sublime
beauty about this scene.
Amidst the shouts of frantic pleas, the young Kuonji gently kissed the
soulless, but still handsome Ranma on his forehead . . . and started to
walk away into the morning rays of the rising sun with a light smile on her
face. Now that the beautiful, deadly lie was done with, she can finally
let go of the faux dream after all these years of pain. She now has a new
dream to chase . . . a dream that shall regain her family's honor once and
for all . . . a dream that does not involve the mercy of another man.
You switched to the present tense at the end of the paragraph... BAD!
For the old dream, the deceitful, worn out dream truly did not matter . . .
not anymore.
THE END
I have to say, I wasn't quite sure what to think of this at first. But now,
I think I like it. It is strikingly original, when the vast majority of Ranma
fics on the list are nothing but yet another rehash of the same tired old
themes and ideas.
Your grammar, while still not perfect, has improved dramatically since
DnL. The infractions that I noticed were relatively minor.
All in all, an excellent fic.